Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no fucking way.

529 replies

Rosebel · 04/03/2022 18:07

My DD is 15 and she has a boyfriend who is 16. He used to live near but moved to London with his dad.
His dad has kicked him out and he's asked to come and stay with us. Initially I thought this was a one night thing but after talking to him it sounds like he wants to stay until he sorts something out.
In reality I don't want him staying for one night let alone temporarily. However I feel bad leaving a 16 year old alone without his parents.
I'm surely not unreasonable to say no am I?

OP posts:
georgarina · 04/03/2022 19:12

You need to talk to his dad and get to the bottom of what's actually going on.

Don't let this boy move in with no warning, no communication, no understanding of what's going on and why his dad actually told him to leave...

Landedonfeet · 04/03/2022 19:12

Who is paying for the hotel?

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 04/03/2022 19:13

Why has his Dad kicked him out?

And why are they furious with you and not Dad?

Thinkbiglittleone · 04/03/2022 19:14

Of course they are angry with you, they are 16 and in "love" I remember that feeling.

But if his own flesh and blood can't live with him, I'm sure it will be a strain at the very least for you. I would steer clear for now and see how it pans out when he genuinely is homeless.

BoredZelda · 04/03/2022 19:14

I said to DD I will ring SS but he doesn't want to go in to a home /hostel so I wonder how "homeless" he really is.

Really? You can’t work out why he doesn’t want to do that?

If it were me I’d let him stay. Sounds like he’s had a really shit time of it. But, you clearly don’t want to so just tell him no and deal with the fallout from your daughter.

Doggydoodah123 · 04/03/2022 19:15

When I was 16 I convinced my parents to let my then boyfriend live with us while he attended college in our area. It turned out to be a nightmare for everyone. Don't do it OP!

Howshouldibehave · 04/03/2022 19:15

I probably should clarify that my DD said her boyfriend was furious

The clarification doesn’t matter. He doesn’t get to be ‘furious’ about who you allow to live in your house! I wouldn’t touch any of this with a barge pole.

How long have they been together? What’s he like? I don’t know of any 16 year olds earning enough to be staying in a hotel-what does he do/earn?

BoredZelda · 04/03/2022 19:15

But if his own flesh and blood can't live with him, I'm sure it will be a strain at the very least for you.

His own flesh and blood like his mother who abused him and his father who presumably did nothing to protect him from it, that flesh and blood you mean?

Tdcp · 04/03/2022 19:15

I had a boyfriend that stayed with us for the same reason at the same age, don't do it. Your dd will hate you probably for a while but it'll be a mistake and it won't end well and if she wants to end the relationship, she can't easily.

Also had a friend stay with us from age 14 for a while, same answer as above honestly.

Theyulelog · 04/03/2022 19:16

What the heck are people on about saying you should let him stay!

  1. It encroaches on your privacy, having a teenage boy you hardly know roaming about the house, sleeping on the couch etc! It’s your home!
  1. You have no idea why he was kicked out, you don’t know his parents or his upbringing
  1. You have no idea how long he would be staying! Which would mean you would basically have to be his guardian until he stands on his own two feet. He is not your responsibility.
  1. Your dd is 15 and is too young for a live in boyfriend. She won’t understand how you feel or what is right because she’s all loved up and just wants to be with him all the time. It’s not right. At all.

The responsible thing to do would be to get in contact with the boys parents and explain he can’t stay with you for all the reasons above and give them the option to take him back and make nice again.
Apart from that I would be contacting social services for advice.

Just for info when I was 15 I had a 16 year old long distance boyfriend. When he came to visit we couldn’t get rid of him. He wanted to extend his stay all the time and my parents let him but weren’t happy. We slept in the same room on different beds but we were up to all sorts. And when the house was empty we would also be at it.
Obviously I’m no longer that Randy teenager but honestly the last thing you want is that going on in your home, your daughter will be in the throws of love and romance and won’t make rational choices.

AlternativePerspective · 04/03/2022 19:17

You have no idea if the father even has thrown him out. For all you know he might have stormed out and be lying about being thrown out.

The fact that he is furious wit you rings alarm bells for me wrt whether he’s genuine.

Also you need to bear in mind that your daughter is under age. If he moves in they will certainly be wanting to share a bedroom and even if not he will be in a position to take advantage of a young girl who is not yet old enough to consent.

I suspect his motives aren’t as pure as they’re making them out to be. Wonder what the father’s side to this story is.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/03/2022 19:17

Who is paying for the hotel?

I was about to ask the same thing; frankly his story sounds full of holes

WaterTheBasil · 04/03/2022 19:17

None of it matters, other than 'I can't cope with it'.

DogsAndGin · 04/03/2022 19:18

Notify his school and social services of the situation - you are not responsible for housing him

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 04/03/2022 19:19

@BoredZelda

I said to DD I will ring SS but he doesn't want to go in to a home /hostel so I wonder how "homeless" he really is.

Really? You can’t work out why he doesn’t want to do that?

If it were me I’d let him stay. Sounds like he’s had a really shit time of it. But, you clearly don’t want to so just tell him no and deal with the fallout from your daughter.

You think a 15YO girl living with her boyfriend is a functional choice?

You think prioritising someone else’s child over your own daughter is a functional choice?

The OP is in a horrible situation here - because she ends up being the bad guy.

But she has to be the bad guy, because her priority is - and should be - her own 15YO daughter.

ScribblingPixie · 04/03/2022 19:20

I probably should clarify that my DD said her boyfriend was furious

Well there's a red flag. Stand your ground, OP, while offering to ring SS. Don't be manoeuvred.

EmmaH2022 · 04/03/2022 19:21

OP "I said to DD I will ring SS but he doesn't want to go in to a home /hostel so I wonder how "homeless" he really is."

Have you spoken to his dad? Has he really thrown him out?

Anjo2011 · 04/03/2022 19:21

If you really don’t want him there then say no from the very beginning and stick by it. Once you’ve said yes it will be much harder to ask him to leave.

Itsmeandhim · 04/03/2022 19:23

OP I can understand that you are worried about him staying. At least contact social services.
He might be 16 but he is still a child.
Do you know why his dad chucked him out. Where is mum does he have other family.

We took in DS girlfriend after her foster family decided that there was no more money being paid for her.
She is now his wife and mother of our grandchildren. She is our extra daughter.
Her father had died and her mum had a mental breakdown. No other family.
When she came to live with us we had rules. Plus it helped that we had a spare bedroom.
It was agreed that if they didn't want to carry on going out with each other then she could stay until she was able to find somewhere else to live.
This was over 20 years ago. As she was in the foster system SS were obliged to put her back in a children's home. Not if I could help her.
When she came she had no qualifications, no job and no idea of how to get one.
Fast forward to now and she is a GP.

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 19:27

I would've said let him stay for the weekend until I saw you say he was furious... how entitled is he?! He can stay in his hotel.

FurbleSocks · 04/03/2022 19:28

@Rosebel

At the moment he's in a hotel so he's not on the streets. We are due to move in 8 days and am feeling stressed and pressured. His mum is abusive and he's NC with her. I probably should clarify that my DD said her boyfriend was furious, I haven't spoken to him. The nice part of me says let him stay until Monday but the other part of me thinks what then? The house we're moving to is a council house and he won't be able to stay then as it's a 5 person house. I said to DD I will ring SS but he doesn't want to go in to a home /hostel so I wonder how "homeless" he really is.
I mean this kindly but I'm assuming you've never visited a home or hostel if you'd be happy to allow a 16 year old to call one 'home'. Many 16/17 year olds would rather sofa surf because the hostels are scary places. As are the homes. SS solution is usually foster care which rarely works introducing a 16/17 year old into a family environment when they're ready to be more independent. And the hostel or a B&B is independence but scary with the other occupants.

My parents took in my friend at this age for a couple of weeks till he found an aunty to live with. You could help him with breathing space then a more permanent planned solution nearer London.

me4real · 04/03/2022 19:28

No and I don't like the idea of this relationship anyway.

As he actually lives in London, it's the London area that'll probably have any duty to house him, even temporarily, if they decide that.

It's intriguing that he's not got on with those who've lived with him, either his mum or dad, and I would wonder what the reasons were for that- there might be even more reasons why you shouldn't let him stay.

I said to DD I will ring SS but he doesn't want to go in to a home /hostel so I wonder how "homeless" he really is.

Really? You can’t work out why he doesn’t want to do that?

@Rosebel @BoredZelda I've been homeless and the best way to get housing is to be in a council B&B etc while they arrange it. It's mildly unpleasant but worth doing to get a place. Even if they decide they don't have a duty to house him for some reason, they'll help him find somewhere (or he'll have to try this in the London area if that's what the council say.)

TheRealKaren · 04/03/2022 19:29

Contact Social Services. because he's under 18 they will have to find him somewhere to go. Although This could be anywhere in the country regaress of where he currently is based.
Would you consider letting him say for a little bit, Even if it’s just for a couple of nights whilst SS works out the best way of going forward. YANBU however to not allow this, and the end of the day it’s your house and he is and should not become your responsibility.

I’m also worried we could get in trouble with the police for letting him stay, although maybe not as he's 16.
This would be highly unlikely. you are actually legally allowed to move out at 16, so I don’t know why you think you would be in trouble for letting him stay for a bit. Unless there is one hell of a dip feed coming that you haven’t told us

Doodar · 04/03/2022 19:29

But where does he go after a couple of days with you? Don’t let him stay, he’ll never leave.

billy1966 · 04/03/2022 19:30

@ScribblingPixie

I probably should clarify that my DD said her boyfriend was furious

Well there's a red flag. Stand your ground, OP, while offering to ring SS. Don't be manoeuvred.

Absolutely this.

He's furious is he?

Entitled and very presumptuous I think.

Absolutely no way would I be having this.

Contact SS for definite.

He is still a child.

Do you want the responsibility of another child?
If not don't do this.