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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no fucking way.

529 replies

Rosebel · 04/03/2022 18:07

My DD is 15 and she has a boyfriend who is 16. He used to live near but moved to London with his dad.
His dad has kicked him out and he's asked to come and stay with us. Initially I thought this was a one night thing but after talking to him it sounds like he wants to stay until he sorts something out.
In reality I don't want him staying for one night let alone temporarily. However I feel bad leaving a 16 year old alone without his parents.
I'm surely not unreasonable to say no am I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosebel · 08/03/2022 11:50

No and today I said we're going to the council and he claimed to be unwell which I know is bullshit.
So I now suspect his whole story is bullshit (although I thought this was the case anyway). I said fine but on Friday you will be homeless so go to the council now or then.
Tbh I'm sick to death of it. And sick of my DDs attitude which has been fucking disgusting since he arrived. So rude to all of us.
I do have a DH but he's away at the moment and can't get back until at least the weekend.
My DD then started with the exact shit I knew she would. Why can't he move to the new house? We don't need to tell anyone etc
I said to her I'm not risking loosing the house the answer is no. She said I was mean because I'm prepared to see him on the street. I briefly explained the options, council, shelter, talk to his dad and that was the end of it.
He knows the score and so does she. If he won't access help it's up to him. He won't be living with me and my family.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 08/03/2022 12:05

Your DD rules the roost OP. She is walking all over you. She is the problem here, not the boy. In fact, YOU are the problem here for not being the adult and taking control of this mess. Everything you say to them, they just say no and do what they like. And you let them!

Dontbeme · 08/03/2022 12:09

Get him out today, not Friday, not the weekend, not when your DH comes home, today. You need to show your DD that you mean business here and will not take any of her BS. You know she cooked up this plan with him to just land on your doorstep after being told no. So ring the police, tell them what's going on and have them remove him, they can put him in contact with any authority that can help him, as the dad has reported him missing the police can contact him too. Put your foot down OP, you know they are going to try to move him into your new home too.

AlternativePerspective · 08/03/2022 12:15

Op you know full well he’ll be moving with you at the weekend.

Seriously you need to grow a backbone and be an adult and throw this little fucker out.

The longer you carry on like this the more he is going to get away with.

You need to start parenting your child, and you need to get rid of this boy, today

Obviously I realise it was hard in the beginning when your dd was spinning some kind of sob story. But at this point the onlh reason why he is still there is because you’re allowing it.

And you’re setting a terrible example to your other kids who know they can get away with anything because you don’t say no.

Original poster
Rosebel · 08/03/2022 12:16

Any idea how to force a 16 year old who's bigger than me out of the house.
You can slag me off all you want but unless you've actually tried to force a large 16 year old out of the door you've no idea how hard it is.
And yes I know perfectly well who cooked this plan up. I also know until she met him she never behaved this way. So I already know they are bad for each other

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 08/03/2022 12:18

I didn’t realise your DH was on the scene. What’s his relationship with your DD like-can he ring her?

Dontbeme · 08/03/2022 12:22

@Rosebel

Any idea how to force a 16 year old who's bigger than me out of the house. You can slag me off all you want but unless you've actually tried to force a large 16 year old out of the door you've no idea how hard it is. And yes I know perfectly well who cooked this plan up. I also know until she met him she never behaved this way. So I already know they are bad for each other
Phone the police. Tell them that a person is refusing to leave your home. Tell them you want him gone.

But you won't as you seem afraid to stand up to your DD. Enjoy being a grandmother in nine months, supporting your DD, her DC and the refusing to leave your house DF.

WallaceinAnderland · 08/03/2022 12:23

Any idea how to force a 16 year old who's bigger than me out of the house

You call the police on the non emergency number and tell them that the boy is refusing to leave your premises.

Honestly, you are making so many excuses. Just tell him to pack his stuff up NOW and leave and if he doesn't you will call the police. And do it. They will come and speak with him. They will also know which services may be able to help him.

notthatonethisone · 08/03/2022 12:24

Police I'm afraid. Sorry you're dealing with this

If it helps I've read all your posts and you come across as a loving and head screwed on mother. I'm just sorry they've conspired against you.

You need to protect your family. You know he's bullshitting you. Get the police involved

Arabellla · 08/03/2022 12:24

@Rosebel

Any idea how to force a 16 year old who's bigger than me out of the house. You can slag me off all you want but unless you've actually tried to force a large 16 year old out of the door you've no idea how hard it is. And yes I know perfectly well who cooked this plan up. I also know until she met him she never behaved this way. So I already know they are bad for each other
This is getting worrying OP.

It's very convenient that dd and he have pulled this shit when DH is away.

Are you a bit afraid of him, OP? I would be given his size.

Original poster
Rosebel · 08/03/2022 12:25

He's spoken to her and her boyfriend. He was furious that he turned up after being told n9.
He's desperately trying to get home because he is sure her boyfriend will actually do as he's told when he's here.
I literally can't drag him from the house but I have just told him that he has until 3 to go to the council and if he doesn't go I'll get the police involved.
Spoke to SS last night and they were useless just saying they'd investigate. They hinted that until he's homeless they won't help.

OP posts:
Arabellla · 08/03/2022 12:27

I literally can't drag him from the house but I have just told him that he has until 3 to go to the council and if he doesn't go I'll get the police involved.

Well done! What was his response?

Is there anyone else you could call to help, a friend, a brother etc?

WallaceinAnderland · 08/03/2022 12:28

They hinted that until he's homeless they won't help.

This is true. He needs to be homeless to access help. At the moment he isn't homeless because you are housing him.

Why give him til 3? You want them to have more time to come with the next plan of action. You want the council to have less time to sort accommodation for him?

Give him 30 minutes to get his stuff and present himself as homeless at the council office.

MrsCBY · 08/03/2022 12:28

@Dontbeme

Get him out today, not Friday, not the weekend, not when your DH comes home, today. You need to show your DD that you mean business here and will not take any of her BS. You know she cooked up this plan with him to just land on your doorstep after being told no. So ring the police, tell them what's going on and have them remove him, they can put him in contact with any authority that can help him, as the dad has reported him missing the police can contact him too. Put your foot down OP, you know they are going to try to move him into your new home too.
This. You have to act now.

Yes, of course your DD is coming out with the “exact shit” you knew she would: she’s 15! She hasn’t got a fucking clue about life but she thinks she knows it all, which is entirely normal for her age. Your job is not to get sucked into arguing with her but to lay down the rules, and mean it.

Im very much for teenagers having autonomy where appropriate, but this is one situation where it’s absolutely not appropriate at all. It doesn’t matter how much she kicks off, you are her parent and you understand things that she doesn’t, and this is 100% your decision, not even a little bit hers. And you have to make her understand/accept that, one way or another, nothing else.

Call the police and SS, you absolutely have to get external agencies involved now. What is stopping you from doing that?

(And apart from anything else, as long as he’s staying with you he won’t be deemed to be homeless, so no chance of emergency council accommodation. You have to kick him out for them to recognise him as being in need.)

MrsCBY · 08/03/2022 12:30

I literally can't drag him from the house but I have just told him that he has until 3 to go to the council and if he doesn't go I'll get the police involved.

Cross posted with you on this OP, glad to hear this and I hope you follow through.

StaplesCorner · 08/03/2022 13:51

I posted yesterday asking if you'd contacted a youth homeless charity to help - I'm not sure if you feel that you shouldn't have to do anything, or that you feel this lad is beneath contempt or whatever, but I'll ask again - this information is freely available with a 30 second google - have you contacted a youth homeless charity who will then support him? You see the LA do have legal responsibility to house him (not have him on the street first and then have a think) and to get social services do a child in need assessment, but both may try to wriggle out of this unless, and will succeed he has an adult to advocate -clearly that's not going to be you.

Here's the link to the Shelter page (again only read your posts so not sure if anyone has provided this, but if they have you haven't responded):

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/help_if_youre_homeless_16_and_17_year_olds

This also links to Depaul Trust who provide an emergency shelter scheme. If there isn't one in your area just ring anyway and they'll give advice:

www.depaul.org.uk/find-a-nightstop/

Am I the only one who finds all the salivating on this thread upsetting? The boy is in a crap situation, OP seems to have enjoyed the pile on with posters saying get the police to remove him etc. as if its really important that he's the villain of the piece.

StaplesCorner · 08/03/2022 13:53

Sorry garbled sentence: "but both may try to wriggle out of this - and may succeed - unless he has an adult to advocate"

Anyway I don't think anyone will be bothered but just to make it read more clearly.

VimFuego101 · 08/03/2022 13:54

Give him a letter stating he cannot stay with you to take to the council office - if they can shift the responsibility to you to take care of him, they will.

billy1966 · 08/03/2022 14:01

Your daughter is some piece of work OP, I really hope the penny has dropped there about her.

Such disrespect for you and her home.

I would be calling the police.

I would want him out of my home.

You are being bullied, manipulated and intimidated by the two of them.

Not something I would tolerate OR forget.

You need to show them BOTH who is boss.

Ring the police.

gamerchick · 08/03/2022 14:04

Just be ready for your daughter saying if he goes then she's going with him.

girlmom21 · 08/03/2022 14:07

@gamerchick

Just be ready for your daughter saying if he goes then she's going with him.
She's 15. The police will just bring her home again when she's reported missing.
gamerchick · 08/03/2022 14:18

Doesn't mean she won't use it for blackmail.

girlmom21 · 08/03/2022 14:19

Oh of course she will. I just want OP to be sure she doesn't have to give into it

SpaceshiptoMars · 08/03/2022 14:23

Hmmm. I don't think she'll be able to twist Daddy around her little finger on this one! They tend to have VIEWS about unsuitable boyfriends for 15yr olds.

OP, I'm glad you won't be alone with this for much longer. Kind of hoping your DH is military at this point.....

Original poster
Rosebel · 08/03/2022 14:31

@StaplesCorner

I posted yesterday asking if you'd contacted a youth homeless charity to help - I'm not sure if you feel that you shouldn't have to do anything, or that you feel this lad is beneath contempt or whatever, but I'll ask again - this information is freely available with a 30 second google - have you contacted a youth homeless charity who will then support him? You see the LA do have legal responsibility to house him (not have him on the street first and then have a think) and to get social services do a child in need assessment, but both may try to wriggle out of this unless, and will succeed he has an adult to advocate -clearly that's not going to be you.

Here's the link to the Shelter page (again only read your posts so not sure if anyone has provided this, but if they have you haven't responded):

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/help_if_youre_homeless_16_and_17_year_olds

This also links to Depaul Trust who provide an emergency shelter scheme. If there isn't one in your area just ring anyway and they'll give advice:

www.depaul.org.uk/find-a-nightstop/

Am I the only one who finds all the salivating on this thread upsetting? The boy is in a crap situation, OP seems to have enjoyed the pile on with posters saying get the police to remove him etc. as if its really important that he's the villain of the piece.

Oh yeah I'm fucking loving being accused of being a shit parent, being weak and all the other shit that's been thrown at me. I'm not enjoying the situation but he won't leave what do I do except call the police
OP posts: