Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no fucking way.

529 replies

Rosebel · 04/03/2022 18:07

My DD is 15 and she has a boyfriend who is 16. He used to live near but moved to London with his dad.
His dad has kicked him out and he's asked to come and stay with us. Initially I thought this was a one night thing but after talking to him it sounds like he wants to stay until he sorts something out.
In reality I don't want him staying for one night let alone temporarily. However I feel bad leaving a 16 year old alone without his parents.
I'm surely not unreasonable to say no am I?

OP posts:
HootOwl · 07/03/2022 20:23

@uggmum

My ds's girlfriend started staying at ours for around 3 nights a week when she was 15. She moved in permanently when she was 16. They were both school age and doing their gcse exams. They are now both 19 and at university (living together). But their home is here and they stay here during the uni holidays. We have always treated her as a Daughter. She is our 3rd child. She wants to be known as that and I expect family members to respect that. She does have a parent and a very large family. A min of 11siblings. But she also has had a life of many challenges. Her life story would upset you. I have a good relationship with her Mum and siblings. It hasn't been without issues over the years but I wouldn't change it
That is so kind and you are wonderful for giving that to her. I do think this type of kindness can literally change the course of someone's entire life.
HootOwl · 07/03/2022 20:27
  • uggmum My ds's girlfriend started staying at ours for around 3 nights a week when she was 15. She moved in permanently when she was 16. They were both school age and doing their gcse exams. They are now both 19 and at university (living together). But their home is here and they stay here during the uni holidays. We have always treated her as a Daughter. She is our 3rd child. She wants to be known as that and I expect family members to respect that. She does have a parent and a very large family. A min of 11siblings. But she also has had a life of many challenges. Her life story would upset you. I have a good relationship with her Mum and siblings. It hasn't been without issues over the years but I wouldn't change it  Thats lovely, but it's completely nothing like ops scenario.

Would you move a random man into your home where your daughters live? Would you allow him to stay if he started acting like he owned the place?

He may technically still be a kid, but At 16, if he isn't already bigger and stronger than op, he will be soon.

And having had an abusive relationship at 17 with a 16 year old, I can assure you they are more than capable of being abusive little bastards.

Wow. So the issue for you is that he is male? Young girls deserve kindness but boys do not and should all be viewed as predators?

WhatNoRaisins · 07/03/2022 20:28

I'm pretty sure if there was a man in the house he wouldn't have pulled that turning up stunt. Very convenient for him.

HootOwl · 07/03/2022 20:33

ha, how misguided as someone emancipated at 16 do they fuck care... bar the 2 weeks I spent in a halfway house (which was hell on earth) I was homeless for 3 years.

After 16 the council doesn't give 2 fucks if you're on the street, as for young homeless charities they LITERALLY told me they would only help if I got pregnant (I was a virgin at the time).

They were very quick to force me into cheap labor though, the ONLY help offered was a scheme through the job center (basically JSA) of £50 a week and I had to 'volunteer' for the council to get it.

If I didn't show up (which I often couldn't because it was usually the middle of nowhere and I had no money or transport) then I didn't get that week's pay.

You cant claim benefits until 18 either.

People who think 16/17-year-olds get automatic help are sorely naive.

So sorry to hear of your experience and much of it is very familiar to me. It's appalling how vulnerable children are treated by the authorities in this country.

HootOwl · 07/03/2022 20:37

@WhatNoRaisins

I'm pretty sure if there was a man in the house he wouldn't have pulled that turning up stunt. Very convenient for him.
Also a massively sexist comment.
WhatNoRaisins · 07/03/2022 20:38

Right because let's all pretend people treat men and women equally all the time.

AlternativePerspective · 07/03/2022 21:04

A desperate kid who has been abused seeking shelter indicates that they're likely to be a rapist? Really?! I didn’t say he was a rapist. But we all know that he gets what he wants by simply wading in and demanding it. It’s pretty obvious at this point he has the OP’s dd under his control and has convinced her that he needs somewhere to stay. And when the OP said no he simply turned up on her doorstep.

As he and the OP’s dd are in a relationship, do you really think that he’s going to pay any attention to the fact that she’s under age when he wants sex with her? Get real.

You’re clearly projecting your own past on to this situation, but there is absolutely no evidence to suggest this boy has been abused, the only thing that is obvious is that he’s a manipulative twat.

WhatNoRaisins · 07/03/2022 21:08

He could well be both an abused child and someone taking advantage of a single mother and her teenage daughter, these things aren't mutually exclusive. It's not that he doesn't deserve sympathy for his situation it just doesn't make his behaviour ok

Pinkbonbon · 07/03/2022 21:12

@HootOwl

* uggmum My ds's girlfriend started staying at ours for around 3 nights a week when she was 15. She moved in permanently when she was 16. They were both school age and doing their gcse exams. They are now both 19 and at university (living together). But their home is here and they stay here during the uni holidays. We have always treated her as a Daughter. She is our 3rd child. She wants to be known as that and I expect family members to respect that. She does have a parent and a very large family. A min of 11siblings. But she also has had a life of many challenges. Her life story would upset you. I have a good relationship with her Mum and siblings. It hasn't been without issues over the years but I wouldn't change it  Thats lovely, but it's completely nothing like ops scenario.

Would you move a random man into your home where your daughters live? Would you allow him to stay if he started acting like he owned the place?

He may technically still be a kid, but At 16, if he isn't already bigger and stronger than op, he will be soon.

And having had an abusive relationship at 17 with a 16 year old, I can assure you they are more than capable of being abusive little bastards.

Wow. So the issue for you is that he is male? Young girls deserve kindness but boys do not and should all be viewed as predators?

Where did I say that?

I said he is some random man she doesn't know. So why the hell would she risk letting him stay in her house with her young daughters? That doesn't mean he IS a predator. But it does mean that its not a risk you should not EVER take. ALSO he is already being an entitled and manipulative troublemaker in ops home.

There's a difference between showing kindness and being a fool who is potentially putting their family in danger.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/03/2022 21:40

He is entitled to support from SS.

He is entitled to claim UC as a 16 year old.

He is not entitled to force the mother of his underage girlfriend to become his parent, to feed, clothe and house him.

Moreover, council housing is a tricky thing. If he is living there, that lovely new home they've just been offered is no longer suitable for their needs and if the council were to learn of the existence of a male 16 year old 'living' with the family, the offer would be withdrawn because they would not be allowed to make a fifteen year girl share with an 'adult' male, whether a sibling or, as in this case, a random boyfriend. And no, saying he would sleep on the couch would not be sufficient to prevent this insistence upon the offer being withdrawn and being placed back on the list for a property with another bedroom. It's a material fact - one that they would have no choice but to act upon, same way if a child were to leave the home in between offer and start of tenancy, any offer of a larger property would be withdrawn and they would be placed back on the list for a smaller one at any point up to the day of signing the tenancy agreement.

And there's that little thing of teenage hormones. He's her boyfriend. He's going to want to fuck his girlfriend - it's a natural urge. And her hormones are likely telling her the same - have sex. Have them under the same roof and they will find a way - having been a teenager, they'll find a way even if they don't have the ease of access of the house they both share, but it'll be all the quicker with the two of them living in the same place.

Having him removed enables him to get support, means the OP's housing issues are not worsened, keeps that appropriate distance for a bit longer - and reduces the chances of the DD being pregnant before she takes her GCSEs.

Original poster
Rosebel · 07/03/2022 22:11

@NeverDropYourMooncup

He is entitled to support from SS.

He is entitled to claim UC as a 16 year old.

He is not entitled to force the mother of his underage girlfriend to become his parent, to feed, clothe and house him.

Moreover, council housing is a tricky thing. If he is living there, that lovely new home they've just been offered is no longer suitable for their needs and if the council were to learn of the existence of a male 16 year old 'living' with the family, the offer would be withdrawn because they would not be allowed to make a fifteen year girl share with an 'adult' male, whether a sibling or, as in this case, a random boyfriend. And no, saying he would sleep on the couch would not be sufficient to prevent this insistence upon the offer being withdrawn and being placed back on the list for a property with another bedroom. It's a material fact - one that they would have no choice but to act upon, same way if a child were to leave the home in between offer and start of tenancy, any offer of a larger property would be withdrawn and they would be placed back on the list for a smaller one at any point up to the day of signing the tenancy agreement.

And there's that little thing of teenage hormones. He's her boyfriend. He's going to want to fuck his girlfriend - it's a natural urge. And her hormones are likely telling her the same - have sex. Have them under the same roof and they will find a way - having been a teenager, they'll find a way even if they don't have the ease of access of the house they both share, but it'll be all the quicker with the two of them living in the same place.

Having him removed enables him to get support, means the OP's housing issues are not worsened, keeps that appropriate distance for a bit longer - and reduces the chances of the DD being pregnant before she takes her GCSEs.

Although I don't think they are sleeping together yet it's a big fear of mine. Not so much the sex but the risk of pregnancy. Your right they will find a way but yeah I'd like to delay it as long as possible. That's the main reason Id like him out. The house is the second reason. We've waited 2 years for this and I'm not going to let it slip through my fingers.
OP posts:
TheSmallestGiraffe · 08/03/2022 03:43

@HoneyItIsntGoodLuck

Where are all the posters now who said he can’t just force his way and in stay without the OP’s consent?

As predicted, that’s exactly what’s happened.

As I recall, those posters said it was ‘the wrong side of crazy’ to insinuate this could happen.

Really not that crazy, after all.

He hasn't "force his way in" though, has he? He is a scared kid! He is 16! Stop being so unkind.
TheSmallestGiraffe · 08/03/2022 03:47

This happened to a family member of mine. The kid moved in and soon his local friends were coming round too. And they were a varied bunch. If you're going to let him stay, that's your choice, just own it. Lock your valuables away OP

Do you realise what appallinf stereotyping this is? "I knew a homeless person once and they were a thief, so all of them probably are, even your daughter's boyfriend". Hmm

Substitute "black" or 'disabled" for your hatred for this boy, and then see how your sentence reads.

Lock your valuables away?!

TheSmallestGiraffe · 08/03/2022 03:52

@RockinHorseShit

So what he wants, you ring SS & now. This is not your responsibility & he sounds very manipulative

We had a similar issue with a 15yo "friend" of DDs, feigned abuse, ran away from home frequently. We only had her a few days, but my gawd it was enough to see why her DM might lose it with her, she was a rude entitled, thriving & manipulative nightmare.

3 years later, DD wonders why she was ever friends with her

Girl was given accommodation by SS, but sort of a supported lodger set up, until they could get her into a supported housing complex

It's extremely rare for people to feign abuse. Or do you actually mean there wasn't enough evidence to prosecute the perpretator? That's what happens in most cases of violence against women and girls, still. Sad That doesn't mean the abuse didn't happen.
girlmom21 · 08/03/2022 06:15

@TheSmallestGiraffe

This happened to a family member of mine. The kid moved in and soon his local friends were coming round too. And they were a varied bunch. If you're going to let him stay, that's your choice, just own it. Lock your valuables away OP

Do you realise what appallinf stereotyping this is? "I knew a homeless person once and they were a thief, so all of them probably are, even your daughter's boyfriend". Hmm

Substitute "black" or 'disabled" for your hatred for this boy, and then see how your sentence reads.

Lock your valuables away?!

You can't replace 'homeless' with 'black' or 'disabled' ffs. That's not how it works. Don't be so absurd.
Arabellla · 08/03/2022 06:57

@TheSmallestGiraffe

This happened to a family member of mine. The kid moved in and soon his local friends were coming round too. And they were a varied bunch. If you're going to let him stay, that's your choice, just own it. Lock your valuables away OP

Do you realise what appallinf stereotyping this is? "I knew a homeless person once and they were a thief, so all of them probably are, even your daughter's boyfriend". Hmm

Substitute "black" or 'disabled" for your hatred for this boy, and then see how your sentence reads.

Lock your valuables away?!

That poster never the kid was homeless, you made that up. As with OP’s uninvited ‘guest’, he’s not homeless and his dad is not abusive.

And please stop using black people as an example, that’s a really weird analogy and pretty racist.

QuillBill · 08/03/2022 07:37

Substitute "black" or 'disabled" for your hatred for this boy, and then see how your sentence reads.

@TheSmallestGiraffe What the hell! What exactly do you mean by this?

RockinHorseShit · 08/03/2022 07:52

No @TheSmallestGiraffe I mean she was messed up & feigned all sorts. DD hit a point with her where she'd show & tell me stuff. This girl used to text her mum abuse & then post her mums replies all over SM to prove abuse... I saw a desperately hurting & worried mum in those replies I saw. Girl also tried hard to split up her parents too & refused to see her DM at all & DF wasn't allowed to mention her. We turned out to have mutual friends & girl had physically attacked her mum a few times.

She also once threatened suicide & feigned slashing herself all over her semi naked body & posted it on SM because she didn't want to be alone & non of her friends wanted to go stay with her at her demand. Cue lots of very panicked teens trying to get help to her & sending an ambulance to her... her gashes, bar one real one that she'd done accidentally, turned out to be a red face oil.

& unfounded accusations of abuse are not rare according to my counsellor, it's just not talked about as we feel guilty by accusation. The counsellor I went to when I suffered this myself too as it broke me when I've only ever put her first & everything I said was twisted. Thankfully she came through it. I did speak out & realised that 3 of my friends had been through it with their teen girls too.

Landedonfeet · 08/03/2022 07:59

How many bedrooms?
If the girls sharing, space at real premium
And how a teen boy… sleeping in your lounge?
Even if your 13 year old didn’t have autism, I still would not want to subject my teenage girl to a random teen boy in her space.
Let alone fact she doesn’t even like him

pinkyredrose · 08/03/2022 09:08

He hasn't "force his way in" though, has he? He is a scared kid! He is 16! Stop being so unkind.

Scared kid? He's 16 ffs not 10. He had a place to stay with a colleague and was on a training course, he was sorted and ran away to turn up on the OPs doorstep, that's not 'scared' that's manipulative.

AlternativePerspective · 08/03/2022 09:14

He hasn't "force his way in" though, has he? He is a scared kid! He is 16! Stop being so unkind. bollocks. He’s 16. He’s perfectly aware of what he’s doing. He asked to stay and was told no. He was furious. HAd a place to stay and a job, which he then quit and turned up on the OP’s doorstep late on a Sunday night, knowing full well that she wouldn’t turn him away. I wonder whether he would have done the same if there had been a man living in the OP’s house.

Honestly some people will go to any lengths to defend such manipulative behaviour.

DariaMorgendorffer · 08/03/2022 10:17

This is absolutely insane. He cannot stay. I know of two women in my life who were in extremely abusive relationships in their teens, in plain sight, families around them having no idea. Both absolutely terrified of their teenage boyfriends.

This girl is too young for this amount of intensity. Maybe the boyfriend is not abusive, but his behaviour thus far is covered in red flags.

Op, please be strong, and ignore the people giving you a hard time, who are not in your life. Your dc come first.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/03/2022 11:21

Please correct me if I' m wrong, but on the pregnancy thing I thought you said DD was on the pill?
Unless I suppose their silly dreams of domesticity caused her to come off it again ...

Arabellla · 08/03/2022 11:24

I'm guessing 15yo girls may not the most reliable about taking the pill...

ChimneyPot · 08/03/2022 11:39

So we quit his job and turned up to stay after he was told “no”.
You can’t contact his father and he doesn’t want your to contact SS.

Do you have an verification of any of his claims other than what he has told your 15 year old.