Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about this? (Household finances)

134 replies

user1471433387 · 04/03/2022 15:50

To be upset about this?

I know IABU but I’m finding it hard to stop dwelling on it.

I earn OK money and DH earns good money (significantly more than me). We have a comfortable lifestyle, but neither of us are especially materialistic. Recently there have been a couple of changes at my work and I think there’s a chance I could switch to part time hours. I would like to still work every day but leave a couple of hours earlier to pick eldest DC up straight from school so she wouldn’t have to go to after school care. The evenings would be a little less rushed hopefully. I’m currently pretty stressed and not enjoying my life much. I know we could afford this – it would just be a case of saving less money. I broached it with DH and he was completely against it. I know IABU for expecting to work part-time whilst he was full time (and over time) but I can’t help but be upset about it and it is affecting my relationship.

All money is pooled together

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 04/03/2022 15:51

Why is he so against it?

SmellyOldOwls · 04/03/2022 15:52

YANBU. Why does he get to decide everything?

GabriellaMontez · 04/03/2022 15:53

Can you afford it?

rubyslippers · 04/03/2022 15:53

It seems like it works for everyone
You’re still earning, spending less on childcare - I do not see why he’s dead against it

SNUG2022 · 04/03/2022 15:56

I get both sides. I guess you're upset as you're coming at it from a mental health angle and he's not really taking it on board. I'm currently doing what you want to do, but will be looking for full time cos of the cost of living increases. I would have a proper chat about how you feel that you're struggling and see what he says. Make sure he's really understood your concerns.

caprimoon · 04/03/2022 15:56

Can you work out costs i.e childcare, actual take home pay and see what difference it actually makes. He will probably be surprised.

Stuffin · 04/03/2022 15:56

I do sympathise with your DH. Saving less in times like now when expenses will rise across the board is not something I would be keen to do.

He may also be thinking long term like pensions etc.

I could easily work part time but I don't think it is fair on my DH and certainly not something I would do lightly with all the turmoil currently.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/03/2022 15:59

It’s hard to say without knowing his reasons.

I am wondering how much he contributes in the evenings? Is it all left to you to deal with?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/03/2022 15:59

Would he like to do it instead?

He does need to think about your (the family’s) and especially dd’s quality of life as well as just the money angle.

YellowHpok · 04/03/2022 16:00

I don't think it's an unreasonable request, but perhaps he feels that it would put additional pressure on him if he is already working overtime.

How did you broach it with him? Would a discussion about the pressures at home in the context of two FT parents and see what he comes up with as potential solutions? Maybe he doesn't "see" the problem so needs it spelling out a bit more explicitly.

Could he reduce his hours to help for example?

Lucifersleeps · 04/03/2022 16:00

Maybe he would like to go part time and you share the financial burden more equally?

NumberTheory · 04/03/2022 16:02

Is your DH stressed working full time too or do you do all the running around and work longer hours?

I don’t think it’s that reasonable to expect to be able to make your life easier at a cost to the family budget just because the opportunity’s come up if things are currently pretty even between you.

And it isn’t just about your current budget, if you have any sort of career, lowering your hours is likely to have a knock on effect for the rest of your working life.

But if you’re run ragged because you do all the wife work as well as a full-time job and he doesn’t really step up if you’ve ever mentioned this to him then I think it’s more reasonable.

rwalker · 04/03/2022 16:02

DH is having to pick the slack up finically He's working full-time and overtime .
It's alright saying you can afford it but anything could be round the corner and his overtime could disappear overnight

Merryoldgoat · 04/03/2022 16:03

If you can afford it I don’t see why it’s a problem.

I work 26 hours a week and have a whole day to myself plus can pick up 3 days. My boys don’t need additional childcare.

It’s much better for us as a family.

Jamnation · 04/03/2022 16:05

Is your eldest still quite small? PT is really, really helpful in hols too - DC need to spend fewer weeks in holiday club and a tonne of clubs finish at 3/3.30, often the most interesting or skill based ones. PT was the key to making holidays work for us.

It's not just the cost, it sounds like it would be really positive for DC to have more time at home/with you. Are you sure he's not that materialistic?

Barkingmadhouse · 04/03/2022 16:09

I would expect your husband to be able to stop the over time before you go part time

Returnoftheowl · 04/03/2022 16:12

@Barkingmadhouse

I would expect your husband to be able to stop the over time before you go part time
I agree with this. If your husband is having to work overtime then it would seem unfair to put more pressure on him by going PT.
coconuthead · 04/03/2022 16:14

What was his reasoning for being so against it?

Stuffin · 04/03/2022 16:14

Missed the fact that he works overtime as well.

Some people live to work and are happy with their partners at home or PT but it sounds like your DH isn't one of them so it is even more unfair for you to drop hours and put more pressure on them.

Tryingtokeepgoing · 04/03/2022 16:15

@Barkingmadhouse

I would expect your husband to be able to stop the over time before you go part time
Well yes, indeed. I’m sure there was a thread yesterday where the higher earning OP wanted her lower paying husband to earn more…I can imagine the response if he’d wanted to work less ;)
Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 04/03/2022 16:15

How is the housework/childcare/mental load split?

Because if you are doing the majority of that then I would argue there’s a good case for you going part time.

FlowerArranger · 04/03/2022 16:16

What NumberTheory said!! Especially this:

it isn’t just about your current budget, if you have any sort of career, lowering your hours is likely to have a knock on effect for the rest of your working life

You have to consider the entirety of your life, not just the here and now. You are already behind your husband in terms of earnings even though you both work full-time. If you reduce your hours, the gap will widen. There could be resentment on his part. Other things could threaten your marriage at some point in the future.... just read the boards here to get an idea. You simply cannot rely on bring supported/subsidised by a man.

BillMasen · 04/03/2022 16:18

@Barkingmadhouse

I would expect your husband to be able to stop the over time before you go part time
Very much this It feels unfair to let one person keep working overtime and the other go part time.
LampLighter414 · 04/03/2022 16:19

High inflation across the board, notably household bills, fuel etc that you can't really avoid. Interest rates likely to go up. The general sense of increased pressure as the main breadwinner in the household.

I can see why your DP might be against it inherently, especially at the current time. Any chance of sitting down for a more detailed chat about the pros and cons and assessing the impact on household budget and any other future plans you have (e.g. moving, large family holidays in the next couple years)

Chocomelon · 04/03/2022 16:20

What does after school care cost?

Maybe he'd like to do it but doesn't feel he can

You can only afford it because of what he earns I assume