To be upset about this? (Household finances)

[user1471433387]

To be upset about this?

I know IABU but I’m finding it hard to stop dwelling on it.

I earn OK money and DH earns good money (significantly more than me). We have a comfortable lifestyle, but neither of us are especially materialistic. Recently there have been a couple of changes at my work and I think there’s a chance I could switch to part time hours. I would like to still work every day but leave a couple of hours earlier to pick eldest DC up straight from school so she wouldn’t have to go to after school care. The evenings would be a little less rushed hopefully. I’m currently pretty stressed and not enjoying my life much. I know we could afford this – it would just be a case of saving less money. I broached it with DH and he was completely against it. I know IABU for expecting to work part-time whilst he was full time (and over time) but I can’t help but be upset about it and it is affecting my relationship.

All money is pooled together

My biggest confusion is how you accepted a no from him. Came on here. But didn't know his reason for the no!

Has he always been the authority in the house? Is it in other areas too? What happens if you can't agree on something? (Or do you always defer to him )

He doesn't want to upset the status quo because both now and long term he comes out on top.
You've been put back in your box and your mind has been trained to accept this!? A lot seems to focus on his wants, needs and goals.
Doesn't bode well.

Ultimately it’s for you and your dh to agree. However I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all if you have shared finances that he is objecting to you going part time when he is working over time. It’s not fair at all.

I wish people would read the thread, or at the very least the OPs posts.
The DH DOES NOT DO OVERTIME. He works more than his standard hours as is entirely normal in many professions - particularly reasonably well paid ones - and does not receive extra money for this.

It seems the reason the DH is in such a pressured job is not for the greater good of the the family - mortgage already paid off - but because he's one of these extreme savers who wants to retire at 50, but doesn't seem to know or care if OP would also like to retire at that age.

OP - your H is being utterly unreasonable here.
I would never put myself in your shoes - working FT for it sounds like - a fraction of his salary,
Doing everything at home and missing out on time with your young DCs.

It sounds as though your H is used to calling the shots and is not seeing what your life actually is compared with his.

You deserve time to yourself. You deserve to have some sort of social life. You deserve to not have to get up at the crack of dawn to exercise before then going on to shoulder all the other family chores and responsibilities.

Echoing what PPs have said about life not just being a route to early retirement and please remember that the only reason your H can do his highly paid long hours job is because you are doing everything at home!
And your reward for this is to also have to work FT!
If you were in a career you loved and were also being well remunerated it would be a different story, but it doesn’t sound like that is your situation…

You need to think how this works fairly for you both. Some options:

You jointly employ a cleaner/housekeeper for 2/4 or 6 hours a week, who may also do other jobs e.g ironing if required. This reduces some of the chores you pick up.

You flex your hours and go straight to work from the gym each morning or 3/5 mornings a week. DH is responsible for getting the children up and to nursery/school. This enables you to complete your hours and be free to pick the children up from nursery/school. The cleaner/housekeeper can be paid out of the money saved on childcare.

You both flex your hours, you work 2 long days where DH does drop off and pick up and then 3 shorter days where you can pick up your DC. He works 3 long days and 2 short days or as his commute is 10 mins he goes back to work once you are home. Still get the cleaner/housekeeper.

You and DH both request compressed hours, either 4 day week or 9 day fortnight. If your NWDs are different you can each do both drop off and pick ups on your respective NWD. You would both have some free personal time on your NWD. Split drop offs and pickups on the 3/7 days you both work, with you doing slightly more as he works OT. Still get the cleaner/housekeeper.

There is at least one thread on here that lists all the household chores (wife work). Use this to draw up your own list which you can use when you talk options with your DH. Also do a list of personal time you each have. Written down he may start to get the idea.

I would also separately start joking that you can’t wait till he’s 50 and retires so he can pick up all the chores whilst you work. 😂

We didn't really have a big discussion about this over the weekend as we were getting on really well and I didn't want to rock the boat.

I believe that the decision for me to go PT would be a decision to make together. That being said it did occur to me that he spent 10% of our savings on cryptocurrency. He did discuss this with me before and I said I was against it but it made no difference. I think because of his job he feels he knows a lot more than I do about finances.

When I am doing chores 60 - 70% of the time DH would be working. If not he would be out at his hobby/exercising/socialising/still in bed/watching football. He is not lazy when he is there it would be very rare for him not to do anything whilst I am doing chores. I don't know if anyone else finds this but when DH does do things I really struggle to bite my tongue not to critcise, which is something I need to improve on. I did post on here in the past about him cutting up grapes the wrong way! Things always seem to get missed, not cleaned properly, the kids would have the same meal multiple times in a row etc. I find it hard to let go.

I don't think he appreciates me enough. We did have a good chat where I asked him if he was stressed by carrying the financially burden. He smiled and so no, there have been a few occasions where he has felt this way but it isn't something he thinks about. He does not find his job stressful. He also pointed out that if he were to lose his job then we could survive on my salary (although kids would not be privately educated).

I've told him I'm going out Saturday evening.

Getting up so early for me to exercise is exhausting. Thanks for the suggestions @GinPalace2

Maybe a big discussion is not the way to go @user1471433387 .
I think you need to establish in your own mind that what you are doing is different, but at least equal to your DHs contribution, before you go to the reduction of hours discussion again.
Asserting your right to equal leisure time is a good way to start, and getting a bit more sleep will help you feel more positive as well, so good start.

"A big discussion"
"Rock the boat"

This is your husband, your life partner... why aren't you able to ask him

"about the part time idea, why are you against it, you never said"?

Is he your boss? Are you afraid? Do you only get on if you're walking around on egg shells? You believe it's a decision to be made together but allowed him to veto it without an explanation.

I think you should examine the dynamic of your relationship.