To be upset about this? (Household finances)

[user1471433387]

To be upset about this?

I know IABU but I’m finding it hard to stop dwelling on it.

I earn OK money and DH earns good money (significantly more than me). We have a comfortable lifestyle, but neither of us are especially materialistic. Recently there have been a couple of changes at my work and I think there’s a chance I could switch to part time hours. I would like to still work every day but leave a couple of hours earlier to pick eldest DC up straight from school so she wouldn’t have to go to after school care. The evenings would be a little less rushed hopefully. I’m currently pretty stressed and not enjoying my life much. I know we could afford this – it would just be a case of saving less money. I broached it with DH and he was completely against it. I know IABU for expecting to work part-time whilst he was full time (and over time) but I can’t help but be upset about it and it is affecting my relationship.

All money is pooled together

We can 100% afford this. We have just paid off our mortgage and the mortgage repayments would have been more than my cut in salary. Money is not usually stressful for us, as we have a good income. I know I need to move on and just forget about working PT!

The thing as a high earner,your DH might have been planning how you could enjoy life more with that money - he might be thinking of a few fancy holidays, the type of nicer car his colleagues probably drive, other perks of being a high earner. In which case it would be frustrating to feel you are working very hard to bring in the extra money for that lifestyle only to not be able to afford it because your partner wants to work less.

If he wants the fancy holidays he needs to pull his weight at home then 🤷‍♀️

Op I’m sorry but the reality is with this request you’re effectively asking him for more financial support. He’s already covering the majority of the family expenses. There seems to be a thing on here about a myth called “family money” and that any woman is fully entitled to all her husbands earnings should she wish it. But if the genders are reversed the man is entitled to fuck all and is a cock lodger and there is no such thing as “family money” .

He doesn’t wish to financially support this and I think you need to accept that, I’m sorry. Neither of you have the option to slow down.

@OfstedOffred you could argue the other way round though. Do fancy cars and holidays trump OPs desire to spend a bit more time with her DCs? Or her DCs not to go to afterschool five days a week.

I don't know what the actual percentage split is but I know when DS was at primary, it was very unusual for any DC to be in after school every day. Most were in 2-3 days per week max either through one DP finishing early, or not working that day.

He had two choices, you go part time or he starts doing childcare pick ups and chores. Put your foot down, it’s either or.

@Botherfreedays

He had two choices, you go part time or he starts doing childcare pick ups and chores. Put your foot down, it’s either or.

That’s not really true. Because his hours don’t permit it and they need his money to keep their current lifestyle. Pretending it’s that simple helps no one.

Ah yes, rubs chin, the old trope of the busy important DF who couldn't possibly do a single drop off and pick up.

Usually these super hard working specimens earn enough to have a DW who works pt so their DCs actually get to see one of their DPs during daytime. Thus is not to denigrate anyone who has to have their DCs in full time wraparound care, but if the mortgage is paid off then it's can't be a monetary issue.

@PyongyangKipperbang

Sounds like this more about envy than money. He is probably resentful that you could go part time when he cant and thats why he is vetoing this.

Is schooling non negotiable? Perhaps he would be more amenable to change if he didnt feel under pressure to provide for their school fees on top on everything else.

This is what I think and it’s pretty unpleasant.

I can definitely see it from both sides.

To be fair to DH he does do chores around the house, but I do the majority. He is an extremely loving and patient dad. I don't want him doing more chores on top of his job with extended hours. His commute is probably less than 10 minutes, logistically it would make no sense for him to do the pick up and drop off. I want us both to have more time. I want more family time.

I will have one more final discussion with DH to be clear on his reasoning and then I will just live with it and focus on trying to be happy with our comfortable lifestyle.

He has mentioned that he wants to retire at 50.

DH does encourage me to go out more with my friends. I find it hard because it means I have less time in which to do the same amount of chores. The last two times I attempted to go out (work drinks and Mum meet up where I could not change the date) it clashed with his activities and caused a rift. I exercise so much it is more of an hobby - so I do have personal time. I get up early enough so I am out of the door at 6am and back in time and showered before the kids get up. By the time DH gets up showered and changed kids are ready. It did irk me the other day when (shockingly) he was up before 7. He filled up his water cup then went back to bed - I was unloading the dishwasher at this time!

You are never going to get things to be completely fair and equal. I am happy to do more chores but right now I do feel like I am in a bit of a rut. It also can be a bit lonely as we don't get much time together.

I am sorry OP your latest post actually makes him sound worse, not better!

So you can go out as long as he doesnt want to, you can exercise as long as you are back before the kids are up as he wont do anything to get them up or ready, you work and do the majority of the chores but when you want to get a better work/life balance he shits all over it?!

Oh wow so because he wants to retire at 50, you don't get to spend time with your DCs as they grow up. Will you be allowed to retire at 50 as well ?

@AskingforaBaskin it's not up to him what will make her happy. That's what I said.

OP if he's been working 20/30 years to a certain level so he can retire at 50 you need to discuss that.

currently i'm working PT , last week DP asked me to look at increasing my hours as kids are getting older , and more independent , bills are rising , etc. He currently works FT and more than pulls his weight at home. If i said he should do overtime so i can stay PT i think some serious words would be said.

But @goingback you have been working pt, OP has never been able to do that and the DH is not working paid overtime, he is in a job where he is working extra hours as that's expected ( or he may just be avoiding household chorea and/or really slow at his job).

I'm in the camp of the children and children need their Mummy as much as possible at their age. You can never get those early years back! I think your H is being selfish and not thinking of his children. He's thinking of his pension pot. Never do things that make you unhappy, life is too short. Try and reduce your hours, spend precious time with your littles, just until they go to ft school, then maybe pick your career up, if you want to.
I'll probably be knocked for this, but I can never understand people having children and then leaving them. If you cannot afford to bring a child into this world, then don't! When mine were little, I worked around them. When they were at school, I restarted a new career and am still going strong, nearly 30 years later. Don't worry about money if you are in a comfortable position at present. The kids should come first. You can catch up at a later stage in life.

I think you should make a chart of leisure time and ask him why he thinks he is entitled to more leisure time than you.

That said, I am the main earner by a long way in our family and it is a burden. I work in the City and I don't really want to be working at this level until I am 65 - I am in my 50s now. DH does do the bulk of the housework because he works for himself and his work tends to be lumpy. I do the household admin / school admin. At one point that wasn't the case and I had to draw up a schedule and say to DH why is it that I am doing 20 hours more than you a week (work and chores). He did get the message.

School fees are a heck of a commitment and once you start on the road it's quite hard to stop. Our eldest is now in Uni and the younger one is in Yr10.

I think psychologically he may see you as getting more freedom and choice for yourself at his expense i.e. you earning less will mean he will have to work longer. I've had that conversation with DH before now. He has to factor in the implications for me of choices he makes just as I have to do the same. He can't just assume that I will keep earning and paying the bills for a longer period because it allows him to make choices he wants.

If he was in anyway reasonable and you can afford it and it helps out the family in reducing stress and you are probably taking home the same money as not paying for after school care then you should be able to do it. I think you need to sit down and talk to him when you are both relaxed and have your points ready to discuss and give each other time to talk. Does he do half household chores, help with children, food shopping etc. If he is insistent that you cannot go part time then all has to be 50/50 but honestly if this was my situation and was feeling very stressed then I would just go part time as why should he be the one forcing you. Why are there so many marriages where there is no compassion or understanding. Hope you come to a compromise and you gets something sorted.

I should probably tell him more often how much I appreciate this.

Instead you told him you wanted to do less work and expect him to pick up even more of the financial slack.

No wonder she's annoyed

Thanks for explaining @rookiemere

@COPPER3 that's all very nice if you and your DH are on the same page.

It is really interesting reading the different opinions.

I can't help but feel that DH and I may value different things. For me more family time and more relaxed way of living is preferential. As I have stated I would be more than happy if he cut his hours and salary. For him, he has got the whiff of money, likes it and wants more/dreams of retiring at 50 to have time to himself. He was NOT like this when we met.

I do not want to retire at 50.

Government schools are pretty bad where we are. I would much prefer a state education for the kids but that's not a good option right now.

Will your 3yo be 4 before September so they start reception this year? Will the opportunity to go part-time still be there then? What if you let the cleaner go and/or cut back on something else? I don't think YABU but I can definitely see both sides, think you need to find a way to make it not affect your take-home pay too much.

I agree with Copper3. They grow up so fast and you will regret not having this little bit of extra time with your children. I used to nanny for my brother and wife's 2 children and honestly they never saw their children except few minutes in the morning and sometimes evening for a bit and used to think why did they even bother having children as barely saw them. Why has this woman also got to organize her life around her husband and his needs come first, as she mentioned when she was meant to have a night out but his needs came first and she has to exercise at a crazy early morning time. He could take the children to school but she has to do it. Does not seem fair at all and would be discussing all of these issues..

Here's another idea OP. You could suggest that you change your working pattern and start earlier a couple of days a week so you can finish in time for school pick up, and DH can do drop off those days.

I find it quite startling that you are doing every single drop off and pick up, these days in our organisation it's quite a badge of honour for the DFs to do at least one drop off a week.

It's also quite sad that he doesn't. As the DCs get older it's one of the best times to talk to them and find out about their day.

Is he planning on waiting until he retires to spend proper time with his DCs ?

Some very strange attitudes on here— lots of comments about OP not being fair to be part time if he’s full time— May I ask people saying this what their attitude is to SAHMs then,? because purely in a financial sense SAHM mums are contributing zilch— I have always worked full time since my son was 12 weeks (he’s 23 now) but I can see how offensive people’s comments might look to mums that only do 12 hours a week at something or many no paid work at all. The overtime is a red herring , it’s not paid, it’s just a job where extra hours are part of the deal. OP I think you are 100% reasonable, I think your H is being totally unreasonable, it’s clear money isn’t the issue, I think there is more to this situation than you are saying and it’s not just about you cutting hours! If I had no mortgage , nice home and quite young kids I would thoroughly expect to only work part time

Have you written down what leisure/hobby time you each have? I wouldn't be surprised if he actually gets more than you!

That may be a way to show him that you want equal leisure time as well as seeing more for the DC.

Crikeyalmighty
"If I had no mortgage , nice home and quite young kids I would thoroughly expect to only work part time"

Even if that meant your partner had to work for several years longer than he wanted to? Surely it has to be a mutual decision weighing up the impact on both people.