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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about this? (Household finances)

134 replies

user1471433387 · 04/03/2022 15:50

To be upset about this?

I know IABU but I’m finding it hard to stop dwelling on it.

I earn OK money and DH earns good money (significantly more than me). We have a comfortable lifestyle, but neither of us are especially materialistic. Recently there have been a couple of changes at my work and I think there’s a chance I could switch to part time hours. I would like to still work every day but leave a couple of hours earlier to pick eldest DC up straight from school so she wouldn’t have to go to after school care. The evenings would be a little less rushed hopefully. I’m currently pretty stressed and not enjoying my life much. I know we could afford this – it would just be a case of saving less money. I broached it with DH and he was completely against it. I know IABU for expecting to work part-time whilst he was full time (and over time) but I can’t help but be upset about it and it is affecting my relationship.

All money is pooled together

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471433387 · 04/03/2022 19:58

@Crikeyalmighty I guess, now that I am writing about, the more to the situation is that I am feeling down in the dumps at the moment, I approached DH with what I thought could be a solution and he shot me down. I didn't get a caring and loving response. OK, maybe he thinks it isn't going to work at the moment but there are other things he could do to help. We have spoken countless times before about how I would like him to be more affectionate and caring and, I know I am responsible for my own happiness, but I don't think he helps me with my feelings. Again, I know I need to help myself and not rely on him to pick me up but he is my husband.

Youngest won't start school until Sep 2023. I will bring up the discussion once more so that we are clear on each other's position and then revisit it again next year summer before DC starts school. I will try not to be too emotional but I think I am interpreting the situation that he favours money over my happiness and that is why I get upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471433387 · 04/03/2022 19:59

@RandomMess He definitely gets more leisure/hobby time than me. He admits that.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/03/2022 20:01

So ask him how he is going to make it fair so you get equal leisure time or does he think as the lower earner you don't deserve it?

sst1234 · 04/03/2022 20:02

OP, the compromise may be to get more paid help around the house. He can find it so you can have a more balance between work, chores and leisure.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/03/2022 20:03

OP
I think you need a different conversation with your DH. He may just see the part time work as you having a bad day / part of the general fedupness.

If he did his fair share around the house would you still want to work part time?
If you had equal leisure time and an equal social life would you still want to go part time?
If he shared the school run would you still want to go part time?

What problem are you really trying to solve by going part time because I don't just think its about working hours?

rookiemere · 04/03/2022 20:06

I think part of the issue @user1471433387 is that you're positioning this as being about your happiness.

But it's not just that is it, it's about being able to spend time with your DCs, having a bit more time to do things so it's not so rushed, and generally being able to get something from life today, rather than leading a hectic existence today so that your DH can retire at least 10 years earlier than most people do and well do what exactly?

I'd suggest getting a bit angry, rather than upset. Don't automatically let him have the night out if you've both got something on. Tell him when he gets up at 7 he can empty the dishwasher himself rather than going back to bed.

TravellingFrom · 04/03/2022 20:10

DH does encourage me to go out more with my friends. I find it hard because it means I have less time in which to do the same amount of chores. The last two times I attempted to go out (work drinks and Mum meet up where I could not change the date) it clashed with his activities and caused a rift.

Here is the core of your issue.
You don’t want to go out socialising because you see the HW as YOUR responsibility, not his. Even though you both work full time etc… so you are foregoing your life/socialising to avoid asking your DH to pull his weight up (better).
You are also convinced that things can’t be equal so you can have to live with it.
And despite the fact on paper your DH is supportive, when it comes to it he isn’t. If your activity clashes with his, his should take precedence. If he wants to retire at 50yo and you don’t, all the financial planning should be so that you retire at 50yo. If you want to go PT because you are struggling but he doesn’t want you to, then it’s ok for him to veto it. At best you can try and understand his pov.

I’m sorry but your DH sounds like a bully under a coating of respectability.

TravellingFrom · 04/03/2022 20:12

Btw I don’t believe he is doing his fair share of the housework etc…
Not when you aslo say that you see HW as being your responsibility, that you dont want to ask more form your DH and will cancel/feel uncomfortable about going out because then you are getting behind on the HW.

You going out isn’t just about him doing some childcare. It’s also about him picking the slack and doing the hw you wouod have done. Because you should be a team.

I agree with a previous poster. You need to get angry at the way things are.

Original poster
user1471433387 · 04/03/2022 20:19

These points are giving me a LOT to think about. This is definitely about more than just PT of FT hours. I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to reply. Thanks Wine

OP posts:
newstart1234 · 04/03/2022 20:26

My kids are older now and I still work part time because my dh works long hours. He enjoys his job and I don’t mind mine. He pays into my pension and I do the bulk of the housework. It works for us. I always give myself as much free time as he gets and I don’t feel guilty about it. It has taken a while to get here but finally I can see that me and my life is worth as much as his. I simply don’t understand why his ambitions and time is worth more than yours. It’s not. Young kids are hard hard work and a lot of sacrifices are made to care for them. But they shouldn’t be only your sacrifices. For example, he may have to sacrifice his ambition if retiring at 50.

You need an calm discussion and find a change that can accommodate you both equally (cleaner/career change/don’t plan to retire at 50/start pt) whatever it may be.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/03/2022 20:28

Do you think he appreciates you and what you do?

Do you think he values your contribution to the family or is his focus on himself as the big earner?
Is he trying to create a particular lifestyle possibly to match his colleagues or what he thinks success looks like?

Having worked for a very long time in the City I've seen how easy it is to get sucked into the lifestyle aspirations - a lot of it is superficial bullshit but it's still beguiling.

You may not share his vision of what a successful family looks like. When does your voice get heard?

Mistressiggi · 04/03/2022 20:40

@Chocomelon

What does after school care cost?

Maybe he'd like to do it but doesn't feel he can

You can only afford it because of what he earns I assume

I would also assume he can only work overtime because of his wife being available to look after their children
Mistressiggi · 04/03/2022 20:46

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude

Crikeyalmighty "If I had no mortgage , nice home and quite young kids I would thoroughly expect to only work part time"

Even if that meant your partner had to work for several years longer than he wanted to? Surely it has to be a mutual decision weighing up the impact on both people.

The thing with this is it's not just the impact on both people, it's the impact on the parent and on the children - and if financial needs are met, children will have a better/easier/less rushed time with a parent home more often.
carmenitapink · 04/03/2022 20:48

@Jvg33

You don't need his permission. But it may affect your relationship. If you are willing to take the risk just do it. However can you have a nice lifestyle without his income?

Answers like this are crazy.

She doesn't need his permission but would probably be furious if he came home & said he was working PT.

He may not have communicated it but perhaps he doesn't feel his job is as secure as it was, or wants to scale back himself in the near future!

More2this · 04/03/2022 20:58

I’m with @TravellingFrom on this OP. You say:

It just feels like at the moment, as soon as we've wrangled the kids to bed I'm then in the kitchen doing chores. I get some time to read my book (not long enough to watch a whole TV show) and then I'm going to bed. We never spend time together during the week.

A tv show is an hour I guess? What’s your DH doing while you’re still doing the grunt work in the kitchen? I’m really struck by the language you are using, it’s almost subservient - “I should be grateful” “I should tell him more how wonderful he is” (okay, I paraphrase). I feel sad for you OP. Your DH thinks his wants and future plans are more important than yours because he’s the big man bringing home the big money.

I think I would take myself off for a few days and leave him with the DC’s, see how he copes with that (easy for me to say I know). I do hope you’re able to sort this out one way or another Flowers

MoiraNotRuby · 04/03/2022 21:04

Sorry OP I don't think your husband sounds like a very nice or respectful person. Being the higher earner doesn't make him the boss of the family.

CatFacedGirl · 04/03/2022 21:28

Stop pussyfooting around your husband. Who died and made him leader?

You sound so passive and you're trying to sell him this idea. Just tell him you're doing it. And mean it

Soontobe60 · 04/03/2022 21:37

@Jvg33

You don't need his permission. But it may affect your relationship. If you are willing to take the risk just do it. However can you have a nice lifestyle without his income?
Don’t be ridiculous. Her choice to reduce her working hours and therefore reduce her income is a joint decision because it has an impact on both of them. It’s not about permission as such, it’s about agreeing.
Rewritethestars1 · 04/03/2022 22:09

I hear people talking about pensions and the future and retiring early etc and I'm all for planning for the future but not at the detriment of the present and definitely not at the detriment of the children. So op is supposed to live stressed and rushed and miss out on a life now, miss out on her children and they miss out on her time just so her dh has a slightly better pension pot and retirement a few years early. Life is now, the kids are now, why struggle your whole life working all your young life so when your older and its too late, you get a marginally better time.

Rewritethestars1 · 04/03/2022 22:14

And yes I work part time. I will never work full time in my life because it gives you very little work life balance and you spend the majority of your young life at work. No thank you. I appreciate what I have, yes it meant we got a slightly cheaper house and less extravagant luxuries but we are comfortable and I get to see my children grow up. I posted recently about struggling on the hours I do as my dc are disabled I cannot imagine that struggle while undertaking a full time job. Its just not worth it to me.

MichelleScarn · 04/03/2022 22:50

@rewritethestars1 why are they both working just for 'his pension pot'?

ScarlettSunset · 04/03/2022 22:52

@Crikeyalmighty

Some very strange attitudes on here— lots of comments about OP not being fair to be part time if he’s full time— May I ask people saying this what their attitude is to SAHMs then,? because purely in a financial sense SAHM mums are contributing zilch— I have always worked full time since my son was 12 weeks (he’s 23 now) but I can see how offensive people’s comments might look to mums that only do 12 hours a week at something or many no paid work at all. The overtime is a red herring , it’s not paid, it’s just a job where extra hours are part of the deal. OP I think you are 100% reasonable, I think your H is being totally unreasonable, it’s clear money isn’t the issue, I think there is more to this situation than you are saying and it’s not just about you cutting hours! If I had no mortgage , nice home and quite young kids I would thoroughly expect to only work part time
If the SAHM decision was agreed by both partners, then that's fair enough. It should not however, be one person's decision to just not work (or work less hours) and expect the other person to take on more of the financial burden if they don't agree to that.
newstart1234 · 05/03/2022 06:01

He has decided to ‘just not work’. The status quo is him having a job which requires him to work overtime (for no extra pay) and spend most his spare time doing hobbies. She works full time paid and does all the shit work with almost no personal time. She probably works longer hours than him if you include the woman’s work. The status quo favors him, and he’s decided on it unilaterally. Sorry if he can’t see this op 💐

Iwab82 · 05/03/2022 07:49

I think he's being unfair. He's happy with the way things are because he gets everything he wants - big career, housework and cooking done, kids sorted. If money is not an issue, I think he's been selfish. Kids are only young once. Life is now. He wants you run ragged so he can retire at 50 when your children will be adults , no doubt you will be expected to carry on working?

ScarlettSunset · 05/03/2022 07:52

@newstart1234

He has decided to ‘just not work’. The status quo is him having a job which requires him to work overtime (for no extra pay) and spend most his spare time doing hobbies. She works full time paid and does all the shit work with almost no personal time. She probably works longer hours than him if you include the woman’s work. The status quo favors him, and he’s decided on it unilaterally. Sorry if he can’t see this op 💐
The discussion should be about him stepping up to take on more of the household responsibilities, given that is the real issue. Deciding to work less and take a financial hit without the agreement of the other person who will be impacted is not the solution.