Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about this? (Household finances)

134 replies

user1471433387 · 04/03/2022 15:50

To be upset about this?

I know IABU but I’m finding it hard to stop dwelling on it.

I earn OK money and DH earns good money (significantly more than me). We have a comfortable lifestyle, but neither of us are especially materialistic. Recently there have been a couple of changes at my work and I think there’s a chance I could switch to part time hours. I would like to still work every day but leave a couple of hours earlier to pick eldest DC up straight from school so she wouldn’t have to go to after school care. The evenings would be a little less rushed hopefully. I’m currently pretty stressed and not enjoying my life much. I know we could afford this – it would just be a case of saving less money. I broached it with DH and he was completely against it. I know IABU for expecting to work part-time whilst he was full time (and over time) but I can’t help but be upset about it and it is affecting my relationship.

All money is pooled together

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 04/03/2022 17:06

Kids aren’t small for long, I’d do it.

newstart1234 · 04/03/2022 17:09

Yes it’s stressful to be the main earner, especially when money’s tight , but so is being the only one doing chores and being tied down with childcare responsibilities. Value the work you do op, as he clearly values his (unpaid overtime etc.). FWIW when my dc were very small I worked part time for the very same reason, in similar circumstances, and my dh actually was very grateful for the freedom he had to work extra and with flexibility when needed.

Original poster
user1471433387 · 04/03/2022 17:09

This is giving me lots of food for thought - thanks.

I'm not entirely sure why he is completely against it. We should probably discuss it more but it gets emotional for me.

I would be happy for him to reduce his hours, although this is irrelevant as it is not an option. He is not a teacher. It is very common for people in well paid professional jobs to work more than 9 - 5 I've found.

Eldest is in private school and youngest will go to when she is old enough. School fees are more expensive than nursery fees. I can't pay less in nursery fees if I pick up the 3 year old earlier but when she starts school then we could avoid paying 2 x after school care fees if I finish early.

OP posts:
Outhouse71421 · 04/03/2022 17:14

I think it's a problem if he has a veto on anything he doesn't agree with. He has to discuss it with you, not just be the judge and jury.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 04/03/2022 17:19

Mmm it needs to be a calm
Sit down together type of conversation not you putting it to him and him saying no and end of.

Compromise by getting rid of the cleaner as Youl be home earlier it would be easier to do a bit each day to keep on top of it so you save there as well as the after school care

Or you could suggest you out source other things to give you more free time if you can't drop your hours.

Ask him if there's more he would like to choose to do to divvy up the load abit more.

Stuffin · 04/03/2022 17:22

Yes OP could cut their hours and thus pay without his permission but then why should the joint funds just be cut. If OP wants to unilaterally cut the household income then they must take the financial cut themselves.

Income, working hours etc should be a joint decision as marriage is about being a team. OP you said you get emotional but that isn't helpful for discussions so you need to try and have a calm discussion and look at all the pros and cons as a couple.

But do be aware this really isn't the best time to reduce income particularly as you mentioned your future outgoings like private education.

sweetbellyhigh · 04/03/2022 17:23

This set up is working nicely for him, isn't it?

He gets to further his career and enjoy being lord of the house while neither appreciating nor contributing to the huge amount of work involved in raising small children.

He gets to swan off to his personal interest and social activities knowing the children and house will be taken care of while he's out, at no charge.

This is not a good arrangement for a happy marriage or family.

You are already unhappy, unsurprisingly.

Working ft and caring for small children is hard, it's relentless and exhausting and thankless.

What you are asking is in everyone's interests because it'll make the family stronger. If the mother is unhappy, the whole family starts to fall apart.

I think he is being an absolute arse and I hope you can get through to him. What good is money if the pursuit of it makes you unhappy?

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/03/2022 17:23

Sounds like this more about envy than money. He is probably resentful that you could go part time when he cant and thats why he is vetoing this.

Is schooling non negotiable? Perhaps he would be more amenable to change if he didnt feel under pressure to provide for their school fees on top on everything else.

Blossomtoes · 04/03/2022 17:25

Objectively reducing household income at the start of a cost of living crisis doesn’t seem particularly sensible.

Clymene · 04/03/2022 17:27

So you already do all the shit work, all the childcare and he gets all the free time?

What do you get?

It's really sad that you're trying to sell him the part time job as an opportunity to be able to start cleaning the house earlier Sad

Simonjt · 04/03/2022 17:28

I wouldn’t be happy with it at all, our agreement is part time is only an option if we’re both part time, so thats what we’ve gone with.

If I was fulltime and he went part time and negatively impacted finances, I’d expect him to pay to same amount into the household pot and reduce his personal spends allowance.

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 17:28

Is it really affordable? Two children in a private school on a teachers salary and the salary of a job with no progression/career options?
I'm assuming he's not a history teacher in a state school?

OP please don't take this the wrong way but do you have a clear view of all of your finances?

sweetbellyhigh · 04/03/2022 17:31

@girlmom21

Is it really affordable? Two children in a private school on a teachers salary and the salary of a job with no progression/career options? I'm assuming he's not a history teacher in a state school?

OP please don't take this the wrong way but do you have a clear view of all of your finances?

Why do you say he's a teacher? OP has said he is not a teacher.

She has also said they are mortgage free 🤔

grapewines · 04/03/2022 17:32

@Barkingmadhouse

I would expect your husband to be able to stop the over time before you go part time
Yes, agree. If you rely on overtime then in my opinion you can't afford to be part-time.
girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 17:33

@sweetbellyhigh ha because I'm a dick and misread. Sorry OP.

grapewines · 04/03/2022 17:35

And I've just read further and doesn't seem you rely on it as such. So you should talk some more.

newstart1234 · 04/03/2022 17:36

Working and leisure hours should be fairly split in a good relationship imo. ‘Work’ being both paid and unpaid hours.

The cost of living doesn’t come in to it imo as the op has said their financially fine.

I suspect he doesn’t understand that childcare and house work are work so doesn’t count them in your overall contribution.

rookiemere · 04/03/2022 17:39

Have you worked out what the salary drop would be ?

Also have you tried approaching it from the DCs being tired after 5 full days angle, rather than the wanting to read a book and enjoy life more?

It's quite unusual to have paid off your mortgage with young DCs - is he one of these extreme savers who wants to retire at 40 or something?

When is he getting more relaxation and social time than you ? If it's the weekend, then you need to start going out even if it's just to your local cafe for a couple of hours.

AskingforaBaskin · 04/03/2022 17:42

@girlmom21

So why doesn't he want you to reduce your hours? Is it just because he doesn't think it'll make you happier?

That's not his choice.

Of course he has a say! The Op does not get to decide to burden him in this way.
Rewritethestars1 · 04/03/2022 17:45

There is nothing wrong with mums working full time if that's what is needed financially or if that's what they are happy to do. However that is not the case here. Clearly with 2 children in private school its not a financial issue and op your unhappy which is not surprising seen as you do all the household work and childcare. This set up is not working and not fair. It is awful of your dh to be a high earner, get loads of downtime and hobbies and watch his wife go under trying to work full time and di everything. He is not a good man op.
If he so against you going part time he needs to pull his weight 50/50 with childcare and household work.
The benefits if you going part time will out way the drop in income which you can clearly afford. The dc will benefit and so will you. Dh will also benefit as you will be less stressed and happy but he can't see that because he's selfish.

AprilShowers82 · 04/03/2022 17:46

The overtime is the game changer for me. No way is it fair for you to go part time while he works more than full time.

rookiemere · 04/03/2022 17:51

I don't think it's paid overtime though, I think it's simply that his job - as is the case for many jobs - isn't strictly 9-5.
In many ways to me that's more of a case for OP going part time, because he can't really give much input during the week.

OfstedOffred · 04/03/2022 17:51

it isn’t just about your current budget, if you have any sort of career, lowering your hours is likely to have a knock on effect for the rest of your working life

This.you are slightly "opting out" long term with this sort of decision. It hugely adds pressure to your DH as you have less of the financial back up of a full time 2nd earner.

OfstedOffred · 04/03/2022 17:52

If he so against you going part time he needs to pull his weight 50/50 with childcare and household work

This too though.

underneaththeash · 04/03/2022 17:54

How much does after school care cost and how much will you lose in salary? There may not be a huge difference.

Swipe left for the next trending thread