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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about this? (Household finances)

134 replies

user1471433387 · 04/03/2022 15:50

To be upset about this?

I know IABU but I’m finding it hard to stop dwelling on it.

I earn OK money and DH earns good money (significantly more than me). We have a comfortable lifestyle, but neither of us are especially materialistic. Recently there have been a couple of changes at my work and I think there’s a chance I could switch to part time hours. I would like to still work every day but leave a couple of hours earlier to pick eldest DC up straight from school so she wouldn’t have to go to after school care. The evenings would be a little less rushed hopefully. I’m currently pretty stressed and not enjoying my life much. I know we could afford this – it would just be a case of saving less money. I broached it with DH and he was completely against it. I know IABU for expecting to work part-time whilst he was full time (and over time) but I can’t help but be upset about it and it is affecting my relationship.

All money is pooled together

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 04/03/2022 16:23

What’s the actual costs vs savings (drop in salary vs what you currently spend on childcare)?

What are the other tangible benefits (not your mental health, though I’m absolutely not dismissing that) e.g. save money on shopping because less convenience foods, save time at weekends on X because can do it in the week etc?

If he’s a black and white thinker you need a coat-benefit analysis that makes sense to him rather than appealing to his emotional intelligence.

I don’t think he should get to say a unilateral No though, just because he’s the higher earner.

smorgasbords · 04/03/2022 16:23

This is such a bad time to be cutting back your household income, I’m sure you’re DH is looking at things from that angle as well. Cost of living is going to be incomprehensible soon, and by next winter we could all be in a very different financial situation, so what you can afford as a household now is not likely to be the same in a few months time. That’s bleak, but the truth. I’d also echo other posters - your husband should be able to stop his overtime before you go part time. That feels like an unfair burden to place on him.

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 16:26

Why he's against it is clearly relevant here...

Is he worried about his own earnings? Is he resentful of having the 'provider' responsibility? Is he worried about your chances of progression etc changing? Is he thinking about your pension contributions?

Threeboysandadog · 04/03/2022 16:26

I found cutting my hours so that ds3 wasn’t in childcare until 6pm also saved money as I was available to plan and cook a cheaper evening meal instead of using ready made bits or even grabbing a take away. I also had time to do packed lunches for the next day instead of school lunches. I (obviously) paid less tax and all in wasn’t much worse off.

I understand why your dh may not be keen but is he doing his fair share around the house and with the children. If not then he needs to start.

newstart1234 · 04/03/2022 16:32

Need to know how much unpaid work each of you do before knowing which position is unreasonable.

zoemum2006 · 04/03/2022 16:33

I’d be absolutely fine with this as long as DH is picking the kids up from school, cooking the meals, cleaning the house, doing world book day, organising birthday parties, buying school friends presents, prepping school uniform….. 50% of the time.

If not he’s taking the Piss.

ScarlettSunset · 04/03/2022 16:36

It seems unfair for you to reduce your hours and out more pressure on your DH, when he is already working overtime.
People are asking if you do more looking after the children, but I would suspect that is likely anyway if he is working extra hours.

RewildingAmbridge · 04/03/2022 16:40

You're stressed but he already carries the primary financial burden and is working overtime? I see his point. If he was in a high paying role that wasn't stressful and didn't command long hours and he wasn't working the overtime it would be up for discussion, but why should he fund you to have an easier life while he slogs on. Surely if anything reduces it's his overtime.

Original poster

user1471433387 · 04/03/2022 16:41

It isn't his choice to work overtime. He has a demanding job and it is expected of him. He couldn't stop doing this unless he changed careers. He doesn't earn any extra money by doing the overtime, it is already factored into his salary. Of course it is a burden on him being the main breadwinner and it must be stressful. I should probably tell him more often how much I appreciate this.

He has a lot more personal time than I do though with hobbies and socialising.

I do every pick up and drop off. When he is working in the evenings, for the most part I am doing chores (meal prep for nursery and school, for example) so I do the majority of chores but not all. Kids are 3 and 4. I used to do all kids sick days (luckily we haven't had too many) but not anymore.

I don't have a career really - there aren't any opportunities to better myself in what I currently do. I am not asking to be completely supported by him, I want to carry on working! Just leave at 2:45 every day.

I have tried explaining to him how unhappy I am right now but he doesn't think me working part time will help me. I just remember when we were first dating he said he would be happy to have a stay at home wife (he now denies this!).

We can 100% afford this. We have just paid off our mortgage and the mortgage repayments would have been more than my cut in salary. Money is not usually stressful for us, as we have a good income. I know I need to move on and just forget about working PT!

OP posts:

TravellingFrom · 04/03/2022 16:42

Well if you are not enjoying your life much, something has to give.

The question is: what wouod make your life better?
If you are thinking of going part time, I’m assuming it’s the stress of housework/parenting/putting food on the table etc….

Which means that if your DH is against it, then he should support you finding others ways to make your life easier. Taking in more of the o parenting/cooking/cleaning than he does atm.
But would he?

tkwal · 04/03/2022 16:42

Does the reduction in childcare costs come close to balancing out the salary you will lose by working reduced hours ? If it does and you would have the added benefit of spending extra time with your child , I think he has no reason to complain. Quality of life is more important than the amount of savings you have

TravellingFrom · 04/03/2022 16:43

So @@user1471433387 what does he think would make you happier?

And what do you think would make you happier? Is work really the issue there?

girlmom21 · 04/03/2022 16:45

So why doesn't he want you to reduce your hours? Is it just because he doesn't think it'll make you happier?

That's not his choice.

Original poster

user1471433387 · 04/03/2022 16:47

Not paying afterschool care and my potential drop in earnings, would still mean we lose out unfortunately. I don't want to finish work early and just relax, I want to spend time with the kids and get a head start on the chores.

I went back to work FT when DCs were around 6 months, I feel like I have already lost out on so much. I was happier during lockdown (on a completely personal level, of course I wish Covid never happened) as I got to spend more time with the kids.

We are lucky enough to have a cleaner, so that's something.

OP posts:

Jvg33 · 04/03/2022 16:47

You don't need his permission. But it may affect your relationship. If you are willing to take the risk just do it. However can you have a nice lifestyle without his income?

Original poster

user1471433387 · 04/03/2022 16:50

It just feels like at the moment, as soon as we've wrangled the kids to bed I'm then in the kitchen doing chores. I get some time to read my book (not long enough to watch a whole TV show) and then I'm going to bed. We never spend time together during the week.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 04/03/2022 16:51

Why do you need to “move on and forget it”? If all the chores and household stuff falls to you, why can’t you work less to enable more time for this?

When your 3 year old turns 4 they’ll both be school age and you could eliminate childcare expenses pretty much entirely (except school holidays).

It’s not his prerogative to say no. This should be a holistic decision for the good of the whole family.

timeisnotaline · 04/03/2022 16:55

I would insist on a more equal split of tasks and if free time then if you both have to be full time. I am full time and nothing less than 50/50 is acceptable to me, why would it be? I’d start him on one night he has to do pick up and dinner, plus one new hobby/ social time for you, plus sending some evening chores his way.

newstart1234 · 04/03/2022 16:55

I think he’s being unfair because he’s not pulling his weight in the unpaid work part of his life. He is benefitting by a better career from your unpaid labour. I’m not surprised he’s against you going part time as it’s a win win for him atm. You bring in the money and do the house work too. More fair would be either you working part time to compensate for his lack of unpaid work or him changing his job to allow him a bigger role in the house.

bumpytrumpy · 04/03/2022 16:57

You have a decent job & 2 small children. You've paid off a mortgage and live a comfortable life.

There is NO REASON you need to move on from the idea of dropping a few hours. It's not like you're proposing to retire! Life is for living, not working more than necessary for a comfortable life. Your children would benefit hugely when they start school - clubs, brownies etc all become possible.

I actually think this is the ideal way round to do it - work full days when nursery is 7-6pm (and the babies can't tell the time). Then once they start school you can be present on the play ground and help them build their lives - they actually need a lot more in the first few years of primary school than many parents of babies assume.

SkyLarkDescending · 04/03/2022 16:57

Is he a teacher OP? If so, then yes the overtime is expected and a part of the job, but it can't be to the detriment of everything else in family life.

Have you discussed the fact that these early years with your children are over so fast. Are you thinking this would be long term or is it just while the children are young and then you would increase hours or retrain? I think you perhaps need a longer term plan and to communicate it to DH so he can see you're not just wanting to take it easy now the mortgage is paid off while he works lots of hours.

How much does he understand about 'wife work' and what you do to run the household? If you are doing chores when the children are in bed, what is he doing at that time?

sst1234 · 04/03/2022 16:58

OP, it’s still unclear why he is against it? Or maybe he’s not clear with you also. What is the reason? Is he concerned about losing the cushion of that additional income. The stress of being the main earner in a household can be overwhelming sometimes, even if there are no money worries.
To those saying that he’s unreasonable and it’s not his choice, not sure it would be the same sentiment if a man was posting this.

bumpytrumpy · 04/03/2022 16:59

It would be fine if a man were posting it, if he was giving the woman the option.

I'm an ideal world you would be both reducing hours for a better a work life balance now the mortgage is paid and nursery fees are almost done. Just because he won't doesn't mean you shouldn't.

TravellingFrom · 04/03/2022 17:03

He has a lot more personal time than I do though with hobbies and socialising

Start there.
And whilst you are out socialising and having a life, expect your DH to pick up the chores that need doing in the top of looking after the dcs just like you do.

If there is one thing I’ve learnt at my own detriment, it’s that not putting yourself first, at least some o the time, means you are the one paying the price. You’re not a as good as you could mother. And you are missing out of many opportunities just because of burnt out.

amylou8 · 04/03/2022 17:05

Could you offer him a share of the reduced hours? You'll cut 2 hours on X days and do the school run, home work, bedtime, he'll cut 2 hours on Y days and do the same. If he won't/can't and you can afford it then I don't think YBU at all.

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