To ask WWYD - if your partner came out as bisexual

[NotSureWhatToDoHelp]

Name change for obvious reasons

I just want to know what you would do if..

• you are male
• You had been in a (straight) relationship since you were 17
• you are now 25 and have a home and pets with your girlfriend, and are getting married this year
• your girlfriend told you she loved you and you're her soul mate and wants to be with you and continue in the relationship, but thinks she is bisexual??

Basically doesn't want to end the relationship is super happy and everything but just feels like in the last couple of years have realised they are bisexual - and feels like they have to at least tell their future husband or it's like hiding a part of you???

(Yes suprise suprise I am the girlfriend)

I don't know whether to tell my partner or not basically because it won't actually change anything? I just feel like I'm hiding something but like am I ??? Is it ok to not say anything??

My boyfriend is absolutely not homophobic in any way , we aren't religious or anything etc

Thoughts please

If I were him, I'd wonder why you were telling me now.

I wouldn’t care. I have some attraction to women myself, but I wouldn’t call myself bi because I’m closer to asexual.

Though the phrase “fully committed hetero” made me fucking snort. Clearly it’s a bigger deal to some than it is to others, but hopefully he reacts well.

Regardless of the fact that it shouldn't make any difference to your actual relationship assuming you are intending to be monogamous, I still think it's a fairly big thing to conceal from someone you're going to marry.

@Willyoujustbequiet ''I have to be honest if it was a husband/partner of many years then the relationship would be over for me.''

Why?

I simply don't get it.

If a partner tells you they are bisexual, they are not telling you that they suddenly want to cheat. Bisexual people can be as monogamous as straight people.

Unless you have a fundamental problem with same sex attraction then I really don't see why on earth you would leave someone other this.

having been knowingly in a relationship with someone who was infact bisexual.

Because there are none. The only way you can know if someone's sexual orientation is if they tell you.

I have to be honest if it was a husband/partner of many years then the relationship would be over for me.''

Why? I simply don't get it.

Presumably because they have deliberately not been honest about a fairly major aspect of who they are.

Why would it matter if the person you're with is bi as long as they are in a committed, monogamous relationship with you?

Those who say they wouldn't date someone who is bi, why is that? Because you don't agree with their sexuality? You assume they'll be unfaithful? Their sexuality obviously makes you uncomfortable or 'turns you off' but I don't understand why?

Certain behaviours turn me off, such as liars, cheats, selfishness etc because I don't agree with them. I think what they're doing is wrong so even if someone is very attractive but does these things, it'll damage my feelings towards them. What is it about being Bi that damages your feelings?

to everyone saying it's biphobic.....what if a couple were in a same sex relationship, say, two men. Then one of the men said he was bisexual and his partner finished with him because he wanted to be in a relationship with a gay man only. Is that biophobic too?

"Unless you have a fundamental problem with same sex attraction then I really don't see why on earth you would leave someone other this."

• because everyone has sovereignty over their own feelings and boundaries in a relationship
• because some people believe that sexual preference is an immutable and inherent part of someone's character and some people place great importance on the certainty about that sexual preference in their partner. That is not being biphobic, that is their right to have a preference about who they will or will not remain in a relationship with.
• equally some people believe that sexuality is totally fluid and sexual preference can change day by day or over a longer period of time - there are of course some heterosexual people who would remain married to someone who after many decades suddenly announced they were gay. But equally it is not wrong to decide that such a change spells the end of the relationship (especially if it clearly involved a level of deception or just failure to address it / be honest over the years).

When someone makes such an announcement in a long established relationship how can the spouse possibly know what might happen next? They might say they will [continue to be] monogomous, but the very motivation for disclosing this would suggest there is a good chance they will not then be faithful in the relationship going forward, not because same sex attraction means you are a less faithful type of person but because you are disclosing something very new about yourself which you have previously hidden.

@Comedycook

to everyone saying it's biphobic.....what if a couple were in a same sex relationship, say, two men. Then one of the men said he was bisexual and his partner finished with him because he wanted to be in a relationship with a gay man only. Is that biophobic too?

Yes - it is the same and is also biphobic

Also, it’s not “hiding” to have just figured out something about yourself. And it does often take people a while to figure out. Not everybody “just knows”, and sometimes you have to think for a while if you’ve got a “girlcrush” on a celebrity or an actual girl crush on a celebrity. And if you’re in a relationship already, what, that makes you a liar retroactively?

Make it make sense.

You should tell him. Are you absolutely sure you're bi and not gay? If you're bi then there's no issue.

My ex came out to me as bisexual four years ago, but within 9 months came to the realisation that he was actually gay and our (by the time of separation) 19-year relationship was over.

I've since met a lot of other people who have been through similar. I do think it is more unnerving for the other partner to learn something as important as the sexual orientation of their partner many years down the line than if it's something out in the open from the start.

I did tons of research and reading at the time and I didn't feel threatened by bisexual per se, but did suffer badly from the gnawing anxiety about why it had taken 18 years for him to tell me.

"The only way you can know if someone's sexual orientation is if they tell you."

Nope not even if someone tells you.
I would guess that many many times people have told other people of their sexual orientation and it is not infact true for any number of reasons. Some reasons can be deception, some can simply be naieve, some can be because the person just does not know at the moment they are disclosing what their preferences actually are.

People lie about sexual preferences - maybe because they are in denial, maybe because they are experimenting, but i would sincerely hope that no one lies about their sexual preferences and agrees to do something sexual with someone because they felt (misplaced) shamed by someone who accused them of being biphobic

@bubblesbubbles11

"Unless you have a fundamental problem with same sex attraction then I really don't see why on earth you would leave someone other this."

• because everyone has sovereignty over their own feelings and boundaries in a relationship
• because some people believe that sexual preference is an immutable and inherent part of someone's character and some people place great importance on the certainty about that sexual preference in their partner. That is not being biphobic, that is their right to have a preference about who they will or will not remain in a relationship with.
• equally some people believe that sexuality is totally fluid and sexual preference can change day by day or over a longer period of time - there are of course some heterosexual people who would remain married to someone who after many decades suddenly announced they were gay. But equally it is not wrong to decide that such a change spells the end of the relationship (especially if it clearly involved a level of deception or just failure to address it / be honest over the years).

When someone makes such an announcement in a long established relationship how can the spouse possibly know what might happen next? They might say they will [continue to be] monogomous, but the very motivation for disclosing this would suggest there is a good chance they will not then be faithful in the relationship going forward, not because same sex attraction means you are a less faithful type of person but because you are disclosing something very new about yourself which you have previously hidden.

Think you're overthinking it

I am absolutely no more likely to have bad intentions in my relationship whether bi or straight?

I am the exact same person and feel the exact same way about my partner

I would never cheat on my partner

That holds whether I fancy men and women or just men

To be frank, your opinion is irrelevant. You are not the type of person I surround myself with, and I am confident you do not share the same views as my partner. So your thoughts are not the ones I came to find

Those who say they wouldn't date someone who is bi, why is that? Because you don't agree with their sexuality? You assume they'll be unfaithful? Their sexuality obviously makes you uncomfortable or 'turns you off' but I don't understand why?

Certain behaviours turn me off, such as liars, cheats, selfishness etc because I don't agree with them. I think what they're doing is wrong so even if someone is very attractive but does these things, it'll damage my feelings towards them. What is it about being Bi that damages your feelings?

It’s genuinely concerning to me that there are people out there who seem to want to shame others for their own sexual preferences, to guilt them out of acknowledging their own boundaries.

I can only answer honestly for myself.

I do not find the ‘idea’ of gay sex attractive. I do not want to have sex with a man who has had, or who desires, sex with other men. I would not find him sexually attractive anymore after I’d pictured him having gay sex. It’s ridiculous to say that is ‘phobic’.

No one blinked twice at my nephew describing the idea of heterosexual sex as sickening. No one at college cares that my lesbian classmate openly stated she would only date ‘gold star’ lesbians.

Because I believe the majority feel that anyone has the right to have their own sexual preferences.

@ForgottenWhyImHere

You should tell him. Are you absolutely sure you're bi and not gay? If you're bi then there's no issue.

My ex came out to me as bisexual four years ago, but within 9 months came to the realisation that he was actually gay and our (by the time of separation) 19-year relationship was over.

I've since met a lot of other people who have been through similar. I do think it is more unnerving for the other partner to learn something as important as the sexual orientation of their partner many years down the line than if it's something out in the open from the start.

I did tons of research and reading at the time and I didn't feel threatened by bisexual per se, but did suffer badly from the gnawing anxiety about why it had taken 18 years for him to tell me.

Thanks @ForgottenWhyImHere

I am pretty sure I'm going to tell him whenever the right time comes up that I mention it casually in the next few days/weeks

Good to hear your experience though.

I'm confident I'm not gay as I find my partner (and other men) very sexually attractive :)

I would tell him.

I want to be visible. Whilst in a committed relationship, it matters not whether it is a straight or lesbian relationship but as this thread has shown, there is a lot of rubbish to tackle before bisexuality is fully understood, accepted and not merely tolerated, viewed as a phase or eyed up with suspicion. And for that reason, I need my voice to be heard.

For what it's worth, my ex had found some information and printed it out to give to me. He couldn't actually say the words though.

It can be a shock. I was upset. But, like I say, more because of how long we'd been together and I think I sensed where we were headed before he did. A lot of uncomfortable truths about our relationship that I had been ignoring suddenly made a lot of sense.

This sounds like something you're sharing as you work it out. Not something you're in denial about and repressing. If you love him and he loves you then I'm sure you'll be OK. That doesn't mean he might not struggle to accept it immediately, but I don't know him so what do I know?!

Good luck.

If my partner told me this at the beginning of the relationship I wouldn’t think anything of it but would be concerned why they hadn’t told me sooner.

However honestly if it had been over a year and then they told me I would assume he was more gay than bi and basically he’s saying that he’s increasingly more attracted to men than me - so I would be prepared for him to end the relationship in the next couple of years to be with a man.

@bubblesbubbles11

"You can’t shame someone out of their sexuality. You can’t shriek ‘phobic’ at someone’s personal preferences. What’s the goal? They won’t suddenly stop feeling like that, ever"

The only possible reason I can think of people going around calling people biphobic if they express a preference to only have sex with other heterosexual people and even going so far as to say that refusing to have sex with people who in the past have had bisexual relationships is because.......
they are trying to strong arm people into feeling bad about having a heterosexual only preference in order to maximise the potential number of people of either sex they could in theory have sex with.

In other words it is nothing whatsoever to do with discrimination and everything to do with the speakers own personal desires.

This is probably the most hilarious thing I’ve read today. Trust me, people who have an aversion to bisexual people are literally the last people bisexual people would want to sleep with.

"This is probably the most hilarious thing I’ve read today. Trust me, people who have an aversion to bisexual people are literally the last people bisexual people would want to sleep with."

So what is your goal of going round accusing people of being biphobic then TedMullins?

@NotSureWhatToDoHelp

To be frank, your opinion is irrelevant. You are not the type of person I surround myself with, and I am confident you do not share the same views as my partner. So your thoughts are not the ones I came to find

So then why would you keep this from the man you want spend the rest of your life with? There is literally no benefit to keeping it from him, except as I said earlier, you think he would end things with you if he knew. And I don’t see that as a benefit.

It’s really not fair to either of you.

@bubblesbubbles11

"This is probably the most hilarious thing I’ve read today. Trust me, people who have an aversion to bisexual people are literally the last people bisexual people would want to sleep with."

So what is your goal of going round accusing people of being biphobic then TedMullins?

Calling you out so you can be aware of your own biphobia and hopefully want to do better?????

The same point as calling out racism / homophobia / any thing wrong ever in the world

"do better" at what?

are you saying it is "doing better" to stay in the relationship because to leave is biphobic in the following scenario?

"Comedycook

to everyone saying it's biphobic.....what if a couple were in a same sex relationship, say, two men. Then one of the men said he was bisexual and his partner finished with him because he wanted to be in a relationship with a gay man only. Is that biophobic too?"