He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

[RuRue]

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

He needs to let her know ASAP about his back so that she can change her plans.

What's the likelihood of her going anyway and either just dropping the kids and yours on the way or taking them anyway? Does he usually collect from school? I'm just wondering what her "not my problem" response would be?

So I spoke to him today, I asked what he had said to her about this coming Friday.

He said he text her the other day after we had the big argument and he told her he couldn't have them. He said she said there's nothing she can do now because he already said yes and she bought her tickets. None of this was relayed to me.

His back injury changes nothing apparently, he's still expected to have them and is prepared to despite not being fit enough to work and having had the last few days off because he can't bend or lift.

He was clearly going to wait until Friday and then spring it on me that they're still coming.

I got pissed off and said "why is telling her you're not having them and that's it" not an option?

He said "well i did ask..."

Fucking ask.

I said no, you're supposed to tell her it's not happening and that's the end of it.

Cue him getting all agitated and saying "well fuck knows what I'm going to do, pick them up and walk around the streets all night then"

I said it's his problem and his problem to sort. He blathered on about how he just didn't think, and how he overlooked other things he wanted to do for me on Friday for my birthday, so he's annoyed with himself for getting himself into the situation in the first place.

Not annoyed enough to put his foot down though clearly.

Argument descended into how I'm sick of the little ones getting hurt and how that is a huge part of why it's an issue. His response was that he just won't bring them here anymore then. I said well clearly you don't mean that because you're still planning to bring them here Friday.

I told him I strongly suspect his eldest has ADHD aswell. He said he hasn't, he's just immature and "doesn't want to grow up, he wants to stay a kid" and how he does always tell him to stop doing certain things and addresses the dangerous behaviour. I said well it clearly doesn't work does it so you need to change tact.

Followed by a rant from me about how it's his responsibility to ensure the kids safety.

Just one big shitty argument to be honest.

He is going to have them regardless because he has commited to it and is saying she won't reschedule her trip so he "has no choice"

The icing on the cake is that me and my 3 now have a nasty cold so the balance in the house is upset as it is, with two miserable toddlers and me feeling a bit crappy. The last thing I need is to be shipped off to a hotel but it's the only option I have if I want to avoid the bullshit.

I'm so sorry, he didn't make you a priority

@forrestgreen

I'm so sorry, he didn't make you a priority

Yup, it stinks and I'm so upset.

It's quite telling that he'd rather have a full on row with me and a bad atmosphere in our home than a few shitty texts from her.

Oh and another thing!

He said she didn't ask him to have them, he didn't give her chance, as soon as she said she was going there he said "well you're not taking them, I'll have them"

I said so she didn't even expect you to have them then and this was all your idea.. He said yes she would have asked him to have them.

He couldn't lie straight in bed.

She bloody did ask him to have them, of course she did, he just wants to play the high and mighty by telling me he said "you're NOT taking my kids there"

He changes the story depending on the angle I come at it from.

OP,

Neither you nor your children are important here.

His Ex rules him and your house.

I feel sorry for you, but I feel really sorry for the three children you have brought into this mess that are being hurt by his children every time they are in your home.

Unfortunately you have made really poor decisions and it is your children that will be living with the consequences.

Your children and their safety are not his priority.

His ex and his first family are his priority.

You are the poor mug who has got caught up in this mess, with your children getting hurt on a regular basis.

I feel sorry for you, but definitely more sorry for your children, who have no choice in all of this.

Have a long hard think about the childhood you want for your children, because it is really hard to believe that any good mother would choose this.

What are your options?
Start looking at them.

Do you work?
Have you family support?

Can you make a plan that gets you out of the situation and can give your children a safe environment?

He doesn't care about your kids, they are not his priority.

Your children have to be your priority.

There is nothing worse for a child than being constantly hurt within their home by a sibling and nobody protecting them.

Just awful.
Start protecting your children before their childhood is irreparably ruined.

@RuRue Take the baby and go to a NICE hotel on HIM! Leave him to suffer with his back and 5 DC all night and the next day!

Babies are easy anyway at least you don't have to listen to "Mum I'm hungry" for 24 hours

Tell him if anything like this happens in the future he will have 2 ex's.

To be a tiny bit fair to him, I think he probably believes that if he doesn't take the kids this weekend, she will still go down to her mother's and the paedophile, and take them with her. She's clearly adamant she's going, and having her kids isn't going to stop her.

That doesn't make any of what he's doing right - of course it's not! - but I don't think he has that much control over her actions.

Of course there is no reason that you should put up with this situation, especially not since you all have colds now - so why doesn't he take them somewhere else for Friday evening, maybe they could all go to a hotel/Premier inn instead, while you at least have all the stuff you need at home? I know it's not ideal, it's just a patch, and it doesn't solve the basics of the problem, which is that he should have said No in the first place - but at least it will keep your tinies safe.

And then you can have a further discussion about boundaries and him learning to enforce them.

TBH how you aren't filing for divorce I'm not sure

Apparently I hold little details against him, such as how he changes his story. I'm in the wrong for that, he says.

He gets so pissed off with me for holding him to account but never showed a fraction of that anger towards his ex who has actually done wrong. See taking their kids around a paedophile.

The atmosphere is so horrible. I've just told him to get out and give me some space.

I have a job yes but I'm on maternity leave at the minute

so why doesn't he take them somewhere else for Friday evening, maybe they could all go to a hotel/Premier inn instead

That's a good idea. I'll say this later on. There's no point engaging with him now as communication has completely broken down and he's resorting to petulance and trying to make me look bad.

If I understand this correctly, at no point did you want to go to a bleeding travel lodge. On your own or with youngest. You were going to have wine and a bubble bath at home. He's fucked it up.

Now he's offered you a plan B and a shitty plan B at that.

I'm so sorry that he's spoiled your day for you. I don't have any solutions but I really feel for you.

YANBU, he's acting like a bag of dicks.

Apparently I hold little details against him, such as how he changes his story. I'm in the wrong for that, he says.

So the fact you notice he's lying to you means you're in the wrong here? He comes out with some shite doesn't he. I hope you get a break OP, and maybe take some time to think about where you go from here, would he consider family counselling? I think in your position I would be checking out my finances to be ready to go it alone if he refused to tackle the situation with his ex and won't seek help for his oldest.

I would let him take them somewhere else for the night. I would also start rethinking this relationship tbh. He hasn't shown a good side to himself over this.

So the fact you notice he's lying to you means you're in the wrong here?

Yep. I told him I always remember exactly what he says because he always changes his story and I don't want to be gaslighted. His response was that I "always do this" aka pull him up on his changing stories.

Financially I'm just ok, not fantastic and don't have savings but not entirely dependent on him. I could afford to keep this place.

I feel like a total fool for sticking by him, so many people have told me to just LTB but it's alot harder to put into practice, especially when he goes out of his way to convince me that it's me with the problem and me who causes the arguments.

Just before I posted I said to him right well i don't have a choice then it looks like I'm going to a hotel, his mood immediately perked up as he felt I'd been silenced and he got his own way.

Ten minutes or so later I thought fuck this and told him he was out of line and why, then he blew up. Not shouting but definitely raising his voice, which I had to match to be heard.

It's just toxic.

Honestly OP, life is too short to have it dictated by his ex.

His story doesn’t even stand up. Because if she told him she was taking the kids with her and he piped up with ‘no you’re not, I’ll have them’, then that means she was about to breach the SS agreement wasn’t she? So why hasn’t he reported her to SS?

If I were you I’d honestly be looking at leaving. The fact that he was all happy when you said you’d go to a hotel just says a lot about how he views this as a battle to be ‘won’ from you.

@ChameFangeNail

Honestly OP, life is too short to have it dictated by his ex.

His story doesn’t even stand up. Because if she told him she was taking the kids with her and he piped up with ‘no you’re not, I’ll have them’, then that means she was about to breach the SS agreement wasn’t she? So why hasn’t he reported her to SS?

If I were you I’d honestly be looking at leaving. The fact that he was all happy when you said you’d go to a hotel just says a lot about how he views this as a battle to be ‘won’ from you.

You're absolutely right.

I said as much to him, at which point he changed the story back again and said she did expect him to have them.

WRT leaving, it would be much better all round if he was the one to leave. My eldest has just got a place at the school I was desperate to get him into. I don't want to uproot their lives because of him, they've sacrificed enough already.

I told him to just move in with his ex because I don't want any of this shit in my life anymore, that was the last thing I said to him. Obviously she isn't just going to let him move in with her but he now knows how I feel about the trouble he brings into our lives.

Agree with @ChameFangeNail

Don't go to a hotel. There aren't any winners here, but don't for a second let him feel like he's won.

Don't think of this as the birthday he ruined... think of it as the last birthday you ever let anyone dictate.

I don't know you, OP, but you have my full love and support. ❤️ Give him hell. Don't stay with a liar. Don't let him keep chipping away at you. (And FWIW, I never tell anyone in this website to LTB. You're my first)

OP,

Your children are not safe in their home because of his children.

He needs to move out.

That needs to be your position.

I think you should ring Women's aid for advice.

He's a liar who gaslights you.
That is abusive.

You need protection as do your children.

I think you should see what Women's aid say and contact SS for advice regarding the protection of your children from his.

You are too nice, too accommodating.

This is not a nice man.

Oh no, OP. I was hoping for a better outcome for you.

In the short term, can he be with his older children at his ex’s house while she is away? I know that leave you with the little ones and a spoilt birthday but it would be better than having them all there with you.

Longer term, I think he needs to be way, way more worried about you and your little ones - would a discussion about him moving out for a while focus his mind?

Thank you for the kindness and support, it's invaluable and helps to reaffirm that I'm not in the wrong here.

Before I discovered MN we would have these rows and me being the communicator, would always try to resolve them and apologise for anything I've said that upset him. He can fuck right off with this one, I haven't said or done anything wrong at all.

My only crime is holding him to account but of course he won't like that because it forces him to look at his wrongdoing.

Its strange that women's aid has been mentioned here as I was thinking to myself earlier on that It might benefit me to look online and see if there's any support they can give me. He might not be physically abusive but he is a gaslighting arse who brings so much trouble into my life and creates an environment where I can't question it because then I get stonewalled or the silent treatment and I have to tread on egg shells.

It's miserable.

He'll come back later on once he thinks it's blown over and one of two things will happen, he'll either stone wall me for days or he'll act as though the argument never happened, be all light and breezy whilst avoiding the topic completely and he'll get the kids as planned and expect me to just lump it.

Sorry to hear its blown up op-he simply doesnt prioritise you at all does he and it sounds like its not the firs time either

You have to seriously think if you want to continue with this relationship do you both own or rent

Yep emotionally abusive through and through.

@whynotwhatknot

Sorry to hear its blown up op-he simply doesnt prioritise you at all does he and it sounds like its not the firs time either

You have to seriously think if you want to continue with this relationship do you both own or rent

Not the first time at all no, I've had so many problems with him / due to him and his kids.

Unfortunately for my poor fucking kids who I'm clearly failing I have stayed because my self esteem is shot to shit and I believed I needed him.

Will women's aid even see me as somebody they can help? I've found the number I'm just nervous about calling because I feel as though I'm taking resources away from women who need it more.

I've been a battered woman in the past which probably goes some way to explaining why I put up with everything I have, and I know that this isn't that.

I do need some support though. I really do. It isn't working.