He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

[RuRue]

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

@nancynoname

Anyone who needs to sign a piece of paper to say/agree s/he won't take their children near a pedo is a disgrace of an excuse of a human being, and 100% unfit to be a parent.

I'd personally be re-informing SS pretty damn quick that she's blackmailing her ex into having the children otherwise she'll be handing them over to a pedo. She and her mother are sick in the head to even be around this person in the first place, and have no right being in the lives of innocent children.

But then the dad might have 6 kids living with him.

Seems the better option is just to take time off as & when & too bad if it inconveniences anyone else...

OP you need to have a very open conversation about what happens if/when the kids are removed from his ex if the abuser is still on the scene, because if you end up with all 6 I have a feeling he won't worry about whether you're going to be able to keep everyone safe when he's at football or whatever.

Can you imagine a woman having 6 children she's not able to look after all at the same time?

How did this man end up with 6 children he can't bloody lol after!

*look

OH OP... sigh...
I totally understand your predicament. And I'm sorry your husband didn't put you first.
( My husband's EX called him one time for him to go over and put up the Xmas tree for her.) EEEEEEEEErgh... I was so angry at him for running over there like a puppy making her happy!
Have a "Come to Jesus" meeting with him and he has to demand the change PERIOD. NOT ask his EX.
OK the reality of the situation is yes, he had 6 kids. According to the behavior of at least 2 I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him alone with a 4 month old and 2 toddlers.
Kids rough house and sometimes it takes 2 to manage them.
I understand. As a grandmother I had a slumber party with my 6 and I went to the kitchen to make them food and all hell broke out in my living room...4 were acting like " Teenage Nija Warriors!"
I ended up taking them home to their parents at midnight...It was crazy. I knew if I went to bed and left them they would sneak out of their beds and start all over again.
So wait until she responds back before you decide what to do. I got your back honey...I would be beyond pissed.
YOU PUT the fear of God in him and tell him to never make plans without consulting your first.

PS...the pedofile thing is another kettle of fish altogether. What a HOT MESS

Just take one thing at a time...right now it's about YOUR BIRTHDAY!

Thanks for all the input and advice this past day ladies. I appreciate it.

OH is at the hospital as I write this, he's done his back in at work.

I can't see him wanting to have them all if he hadn't made a full recovery by next week. No way is he chasing any kids about in that state, he couldn't even drive himself to A&E.

Every cloud has a silver lining joking

@RuRue

Thanks for all the input and advice this past day ladies. I appreciate it.

OH is at the hospital as I write this, he's done his back in at work.

I can't see him wanting to have them all if he hadn't made a full recovery by next week. No way is he chasing any kids about in that state, he couldn't even drive himself to A&E.

Every cloud has a silver lining joking

But where does that leave you for your birthday? He might now be spiteful and say he can't even look after your 3 with him.

But where does that leave you for your birthday? He might now be spiteful and say he can't even look after your 3 with him

Oh he wouldn't say that, he's not spiteful.

If he's in no fit state then I'll have to rearrange after all but I won't be lumbered with all 6.

We'll see what the hospital says is the matter and go from there. Hopefully its nothing too bad. He does a physical job and has been complaining of back ache for a while but it's just given up on him today and the poor sod can barely walk for tearing up.

@RuRue

But where does that leave you for your birthday? He might now be spiteful and say he can't even look after your 3 with him

Oh he wouldn't say that, he's not spiteful.

If he's in no fit state then I'll have to rearrange after all but I won't be lumbered with all 6.

We'll see what the hospital says is the matter and go from there. Hopefully its nothing too bad. He does a physical job and has been complaining of back ache for a while but it's just given up on him today and the poor sod can barely walk for tearing up.

I'm so sorry to hear that... I"m sure right now your birthday is the least of your worries. You sound like a lovey wife. Hope he feels better soon.

In short:
The ex is manipulative
Your dh is useless
And you are a pushover

And now you have a lifetime of this madness head of you. But that's not all on the ex and dh. You made your bed...lets be honest here

Thank you Piper you're v kind

Marvellousmadness

Oh give over. As I said about 5 posts in I made it clear that I expect him to tell her it's not happening. I haven't budged. He has a week to action it, that's on him.

He now has a back injury which might end up changing things anyway, but even if he's not 100 percent by next weekend I'm sure he's going to tell me to go ahead with my plans and he'll just soldier on.. which I will gladly do because he'll have 6 not 3.

If he's incapable of actually having ours though due to not being able to lift the baby or whatever, ill postpone my plans.

He'll have 3 not 6, I should say.

I hope he recovers soon, bad backs are the pits.

I'm sorry to hear he's done his back in but I really hope this means he can tell his ex that he can't actually have the older 3 for that extra time, because he's not able to help take care of them appropriately.

He might have a slipped disc, which could be problematic at any time - so even if he feels better by next week, it won't necessarily mean he's "fixed". And getting by on painkillers is not a good idea! Anyway, wait and see that they say the problem is.

It might also, sadly, put the mockers on your birthday celebrations even if he doesn't have the older 3 - depending on how able he is to lift the smaller kids.

Hope it works out for you all!

What a selfish twat

It's a slipped disc as suggested. Oh bugger.

@RuRue

I think if you feel that she is controlling you by saying any time she is going to that house you simply HAVE to have the children at yours, then self referral to SS is an option.

I spoke to social services a few months ago because she had taken them there against SS instruction. The case was reopened and she was made to sign an agreement that she would never have them under the same roof again.

Then a few weeks ago OH told me that she told him the unsafe person was no longer at the address, so as far as I was aware the risk was no longer there.

Then yesterday he says he's having them because she's going there to that house.

So I don't believe the person has left the house to be honest, if they had then taking the kids there wouldn't be a problem as it was that person alone who was the issue.

If he'd moved out there would be no reason not to take them, as she likes taking them there to see her mum.

Somebody is clearly lying aren't they?

She either didn't tell OH the bloke had left and he is lying, or she's lying to OH by saying he's left.

Do you know what? Irrespective of whether he rearranged or not I would report again. Tell SS that she has asked OH to have the kids because she is going there, that this must mean that the person is still there unless she is using the threat of a paedophile to get childcare which is itself a concern in terms of her judgement, and that your OH cannot care for the kids that weekend so just to flag possible risk. She then will have no choice but to not go there or go there with the person gone. Surely SS should be concerned she is even taking them around her mum if her mum has continued to be happy to house a paedophile? And her happy to be involved with family member who is one even when her kids arent there? Doesnt that show really poor judgement?

@RuRue

It's a slipped disc as suggested. Oh bugger.

Ouch-that’s nasty. Hope he’s ok.

I hope that doesn’t mean that your birthday plans are scuppered AND you’ll be looking after 6 kids on your own?!

The last time I reported the contact with the paedophile to social services was at Christmas time.

They reopened the case and did another assessment (this was after they spent about 16 months on child protection before the case being downgraded and closed because they felt the risk was gone with mum not going down there anymore)

The outcome of The second assessment was that there would be a iron glad agreement signed that she wouldn't take them around him again. OH is also expected to oversee this and take the same position as SS. The social worker said it's up to her if she wants to see her mum but the kids must not be anywhere near that man under any circumstances.

I hope that doesn’t mean that your birthday plans are scuppered AND you’ll be looking after 6 kids on your own?!

No chance, I wouldn't do it if they paid me to. I might have to postpone my plans but I'll only have my 3 to contend with.

As an aside, I never ever understand why people stay with paedophiles, especially if it means their contact with their own children/grandchildren is limited/stopped.

Just makes zero sense to me.

Sorry it's a slipped disc but your DH now absolutely has to cancel having the older 3 - he can't manage it.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

As an aside, I never ever understand why people stay with paedophiles, especially if it means their contact with their own children/grandchildren is limited/stopped.

Just makes zero sense to me.

Sorry it's a slipped disc but your DH now absolutely has to cancel having the older 3 - he can't manage it.

Nor do I.

People say paedophiles groom the whole family which I can see could be the case but once you're told by the authorities you have to wake the fuck up he's a risk, you just don't continue any sort of relationship.

I’ve just finished reading the full thread @RuRue and there’s been some great advice - along with some absolute batshit comments! 😂
It sounds like the issue has been resolved already by your hubby’s back pain which I have every sympathy for x
It does sound like the ex has the perfect stick to use when she wants him to have the kids by simply inferring she is going to her mums - she knows he won’t allow her to take the kids and you’re right, if the paedo has moved out it wouldn’t have even been an issue for her so she knew exactly what she was doing when asking him!
Sometimes these things have a way of working themselves out and it sure sounds like some divine intervention has zapped into play here and given your hubby an excruciating pain in the back - maybe some karma for being a pain in the arse over this and your birthday 😂
Seriously though, this is an issue that needs addressing as there are serious safeguarding issues at play with the threat of the kids coming into contact with such a dangerous individual so maybe you and hubby can have a proper chat about moving forward once everything has settled down and while he’s laid up with his back etc x
Good luck and reschedule your birthday treat for a couple weeks time when you can relax and enjoy it properly. In an ideal world you shouldn’t have to, but that’s life and especially when you’re a parent xx

@AiryFairyLights

I’ve just finished reading the full thread *@RuRue* and there’s been some great advice - along with some absolute batshit comments! 😂 It sounds like the issue has been resolved already by your hubby’s back pain which I have every sympathy for x It does sound like the ex has the perfect stick to use when she wants him to have the kids by simply inferring she is going to her mums - she knows he won’t allow her to take the kids and you’re right, if the paedo has moved out it wouldn’t have even been an issue for her so she knew exactly what she was doing when asking him! Sometimes these things have a way of working themselves out and it sure sounds like some divine intervention has zapped into play here and given your hubby an excruciating pain in the back - maybe some karma for being a pain in the arse over this and your birthday 😂 Seriously though, this is an issue that needs addressing as there are serious safeguarding issues at play with the threat of the kids coming into contact with such a dangerous individual so maybe you and hubby can have a proper chat about moving forward once everything has settled down and while he’s laid up with his back etc x Good luck and reschedule your birthday treat for a couple weeks time when you can relax and enjoy it properly. In an ideal world you shouldn’t have to, but that’s life and especially when you’re a parent xx

Thanks Airy, I agree there has been some batshit replies such is the nature of AIBU I think

His back is feeling a bit better today, still painful but he's moving around a bit more with the help of dihydrocodiene and naproxen.

Not sure where I am with my bday plans yet, will play it by ear and see how he is on Friday.

No mention from him about DSC but I haven't once back tracked from my original stance of "no way" so we'll see what he says tomorrow when I ask if he's spoken to his ex about cancelling her trip.