He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

[RuRue]

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

I don't think any amount of explaining or reasoning with him will ever change anything, he's as thick as two short planks and only sees as far as his own concerns go and anything beyond that is just met with petulance and deflecting.

Yes Womens Aid will be able to help you OP please contact them

I'm going to call them now before he decides to waltz back in. Thank you all.

It shouldn't take a bunch of strangers to give me the kick up the arse I clearly need. My whole sense of self has been eroded by him for the past 6 years and I'm always doubting myself. I've even questioned whether I'm abusive myself because I demand to be heard and listened to and he comes back with things like "You always nit pick on every little thing" and "you never see the good in me, I'm always in the wrong"

What a bloody mess. Thank you.

OP,

You are the very definition of an abused woman from what you have written.

Many women say that being physically abused was not as bad as the emotional abusive of being gaslit, walking on egg shells, being ignored etc.

Don't apologise for calling Women's aid.
You need support.
He is a bully.
Your children are not safe around his children.

Tell family and friends that you need support.

I have on occasion told him that he's emotionally abusive, he refutes it completely and said I call everything "gaslighting" and "stonewalling"

He hates those words because I've made it clear that those things are abusive, so when he does it and I call him out on it he gets childish and says things like "Oh here we go again with the gaslighting and stonewalling"

He thinks I'm inclined to call him abusive because of my last partner who was physically abusive.

You know how the old saying goes about there being two sides to every story, well I bet he would tell you that I'm emotionally abusive because I'm always "bringing things up" and "taking issue with everything"

I don't actually know if he realises what he does is abusive, or whether he's just a very stupid man with low emotional intelligence.

He knows well that it is abusive and wrong, that is why he dislikes you calling it what it is.

Two things are important for you to know about, if you didn't already.

1. Just because you were with a level 9 bastard before, doesn't mean you have to put up with a level 6 bastard now. He might seem better in comparison, but he's still a bastard.

2. DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender - this is what he's doing when he's making you wonder if you are the abusive one, and it's a classic emotional abusive tactic (along with the gaslighting). He seems to be very guilty of this, in trying to stop you from telling him exactly how he's behaving!

This seems to have escalated pretty quickly but it seems like maybe it's just come to a head after a long time bubbling away - so yeah, sounds like a good time to call Women's Aid and see what they can do for you.

You can do this - keep posting for more advice and support, we'll do the best we can for you.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Two things are important for you to know about, if you didn't already. 1) Just because you were with a level 9 bastard before, doesn't mean you have to put up with a level 6 bastard now. He might seem better in comparison, but he's still a bastard.

2. DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender - this is what he's doing when he's making you wonder if you are the abusive one, and it's a classic emotional abusive tactic (along with the gaslighting). He seems to be very guilty of this, in trying to stop you from telling him exactly how he's behaving!

This seems to have escalated pretty quickly but it seems like maybe it's just come to a head after a long time bubbling away - so yeah, sounds like a good time to call Women's Aid and see what they can do for you.

You can do this - keep posting for more advice and support, we'll do the best we can for you.

DARVO, wow. That is him all over down to a tee. I'd never heard of that before but that is exactly what the fucker does.

He knocks me off kilter by reversing it all around onto me, deflecting by making me sound like the bad one so I stop trying to get my point across.

He came back before I had chance to get 10 minutes away from the kids to ring women's aid but I've just spent half an hour writing out a long email to them which I've now sent.

There's been alot of shitty behaviour throughout the years, this isn't an isolated thing. I don't really want to go into everything here because I don't think I have a thick enough skin for the onslaught I'll get from people telling me I'm stupid for not leaving, but yeah he is a level 6 bastard, at best.

Focus on now.

You know now what he is doing, you know it won't change as he's just a bully.

Focus on ducks in a row and leaving

I don't actually know if he realises what he does is abusive, or whether he's just a very stupid man with low emotional intelligence

Its also possible its both.

I'm not going to tell you that you are stupid for not leaving. But you and your children deserve a hell of a lot better than this man. His ex sounds an utter nightmare and although I'm not sure I agree she is his priority she is clearly massively struggling and is not your responsibility. The kids are his responsibility, however which makes it grey and messy and that won't get better.

I'm glad you've contacted women's aid and hope they can help.

" The worst kind of abuse doesn't leave bruises."
It changes you...psychological, emotionally, spiritually...physically.

He said "well i did ask..."
Fucking ask.

OMG that would piss me off so much.....errrrrrrrrrrrrgh what an asshole.

@RandomMess

Focus on now.

You know now what he is doing, you know it won't change as he's just a bully.

Focus on ducks in a row and leaving

This.

The most important thing to focus on is that NOW YOU KNOW THE TRUTH.

Knowledge is power OP.

By the penny dropping and the scales finally falling from your eyes, YOU now have power.

You can't unsee.
You can't unknow.

He is not a good man.

He is absolutely highly abusive.

So tell family and friends.
Let them support you.

Seek advice.

Get your money organised.

Contact Women's aid and let them know that you are being abused by him and his children are hurting your children and you want to get away so your children are safe.
Tell SS the same thing.

You owe him nothing.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

I don't think I have a thick enough skin for the onslaught I'll get from people telling me I'm stupid for not leaving

You're not stupid. You had a bad relationship last time, and because this one wasn't as bad you didn't see what it really was. But better than bloody awful doesn't have to equate to good. Please don't start calling yourself stupid, or anything else derogatory. What you need to know and believe now is that you are strong, stronger than you ever thought you were. You've realised that he too is a piece of shit who doesn't think you matter. Don't let that make you think you don't matter.

Good luck, and kick his sorry arse out. And MN will support you if you waver. Well most of us will, the odd one who doesn't can be ignored. They've probably never been in abusive relationship to know how it eats away it your confidence and decision making ability.

Thank you all ❤

Contact Women's aid and let them know that you are being abused by him and his children are hurting your children and you want to get away so your children are safe.
Tell SS the same thing.

I sent a really long email detailing everything he's done / I've had to put up with over the last 6 years, including all of the stuff about his kids hurting mine and how whenever I pull him up on it he tries to deflect it back onto me and makes me feel like I'm in the wrong. I went into some other stuff that I haven't mentioned on the thread, alot of stuff really, too much to list.

I'll have to do something about it now as women's aid will likely refer me on to social services if I don't. They've got all my details and there's a disclaimer on the website about safeguarding and how they're duty bound to share information if children are at risk.. which mine obviously are at the hands of his other ones

Maybe it'll take social services getting involved with this side of the fence for him to admit there's a problem with his kids.

The website says they will respond to emails within 5 days. And now we wait.

@billy1966

Absolutely THIS times a million!
OP... the birthday issue was the straw that broke the camel's back.
It is years of piling on the straws by him.

Now you see clearly...so many wise women on here! I stayyyyyyed with my abuser waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to long. Many of us are attempting to guide you to the exit..
Good Luck! You got this with an army behind you

@RuRue

I have been following your thread but haven’t commented until now. I wondered if you had posted about him before?

Firstly, as @billy1966 has said tell your friends and family as abuse thrives on secrecy.

When he has your DSC, then l would stay with your family to keep your DC safe

Whose name is on your lease?

OP, this 'man' is a maggot. He really is. He is vile, manipulative, and he doesn't give a flying shit about you.

What I would do is give him an ultimatum so he knows just how serious this is. Firstly, I would order him to get out and go to his mothers (or his ex). Secondly, are you married? You don't say if you are or not. If you are, I would tell him that you will be filing for divorce if he has those children on your birthday, and you are truly and deadly serious (even if you aren't planning to divorce, I'd use that to threaten him and scare him). If not, I would tell him that if he has those children on your birthday, he is never to return home, and you truly mean it.

Good luck op. It sounds like you have found your angry and you’re no longer going to put up with his shit.

The thing that stuck out to me is when he said he couldn’t tell her he couldn’t have them because he had now committed to her he would.

Yet he had committed to you first - for your birthday.

Yes In isolation the birthday thing sounds like a small thing to leave over, but that’s always the way. It’s alll the small things that just add up and add up and then there’s one thing that tips it over the edge. This was yours.

You also mentioned all this with the ex was communicated by text. I suggest you demand to read that exchange and see exactly what was said. If he refuses to let you read it, then you know he either hasn’t told her he can’t have them at all or even that he may have said he would and your birthday not important. Plus if she had threatened to take them to that house. You can screenshot that part (if it’s true) and send that off to SS because end of the day they need to know if those dc are being put at risk too.

Stay strong. Protect your little ones. You haven’t failed them and you are not stupid for putting up with it all. Like I said earlier, those little things just add up over time, it’s so so common. And he’s made you feel like you are also to blame so you’ve doubted yourself.

Don’t doubt yourself again. And no, don’t put up with any level of arsehole. Get ready to be happy. It will no doubt be hard at first, but nothing good comes easy, you’ll get there. And your dc will no longer be being hurt in their own home.

”It shouldn't take a bunch of strangers to give me the kick up the arse I clearly need.”

Don’t be hard on yourself. I guarantee you that everyone has blind spots. I consider myself to be fairly logical and bright and have 20/20 vision on friends’ problems. But I’ve definitely had times when I’ve done the same thing over and over expecting a different result, which of course is the definition of insanity.

It often takes someone completely unconnected to the history and individuals to shine a light on the real problem.

I think you’re doing brilliantly. ⭐️

I have spoken about him on here before yes, I'm a regular poster. I had alot of great advice and support from MNers when navigating the child protection proceedings (their children, not mine) and other matters such as the dangerous behaviour of the kids (which I think his ex saw actually)

Thank you for the kind comments and the push to contact women's aid. I'm glad I did it and could definitely benefit from the support if they can offer any.

I can relate to having total clarity and 20/20 vision when it comes to other peoples problems, it's just so much harder to see things clearly when it's my own.

It's like this whole stupid thing about my birthday, I know he's out of line but there have been moments over the past few days where I've felt that I'm the one being cruel.

He ran me a bath with candles, so he's going for the "pretend it never happened" approach today. I blew them out and put the kids in it instead.

@RuRue

I have spoken about him on here before yes, I'm a regular poster. I had alot of great advice and support from MNers when navigating the child protection proceedings (their children, not mine) and other matters such as the dangerous behaviour of the kids (which I think his ex saw actually)

Thank you for the kind comments and the push to contact women's aid. I'm glad I did it and could definitely benefit from the support if they can offer any.

I can relate to having total clarity and 20/20 vision when it comes to other peoples problems, it's just so much harder to see things clearly when it's my own.

It's like this whole stupid thing about my birthday, I know he's out of line but there have been moments over the past few days where I've felt that I'm the one being cruel.

He ran me a bath with candles, so he's going for the "pretend it never happened" approach today. I blew them out and put the kids in it instead.

He'll be kissing your ass for awhile...we all know the "Honeymoon Period." Stick to your guns. Stay strong!

Good for you OP.

Genuinely ltb