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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He has spoiled my birthday to accommodate his ex

618 replies

RuRue · 04/03/2022 11:05

It's my birthday next weekend, for the first time in years I made plans. I haven't really bothered with my last few birthdays, a few reasons for that really, depression, finances etc. I don't usually drink but planned to have a few glasses of wine at home on Friday when the kids go to bed, bit of a pamper, long bubble bath then spend the day on Saturday with my DM. Bit of shopping, she was going to treat me to lunch etc. Child free.

The above was encouraged OH who said he wanted me to have some "me" time and time off mum duties (3 young DC who I care for almost single handedly due to his work). He booked the Friday and Saturday off work well in advance to accommodate.

Yesterday on the way home from taking DSC home he rings me and says his ex asked him if he will have the kids overnight next Friday as an extra contact, so she can go and spend the night at her mum's for a break.

He didn't bother to consult me, just told her yes and told me after the fact.

FWIW she gets plenty of breaks, her kids are in school FT and she gets help from family. I get none.

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own. I'm always expected to be present when his kids come.. which I'm fine with during the scheduled days but I don't want to sacrifice my birthday.

After discussing it at length he thinks the best compromise is that I go and stay at a premier inn with the youngest for my "break" and he'll juggle the rest on his own, like that's doing me a favour.

So just another night of night feeds and broken sleep, just in a shitty hotel and not my own surroundings. That's not a treat for me.

Please, no comments about the amount of children or the trademark "why did you have kids with this man" it's not helpful and just sticks the boot in.

I love the kids, I just want one thing for myself after making sacrifices for years to accommodate his ex on her jollies, concerts, impromptu visits to friends and family etc.

He has been an arse hasn't he? AIBU?

OP posts:
Migrainesbythedozen · 05/03/2022 09:35

@RuRue

He still hasn't had any conversation with her about her cancelling, at least not that he has told me.

What he has done is cancelled his place at Sunday football tomorrow, no idea what that has got to do with the issue at hand. What's that supposed to be, some sort of consolation?

I briefly mentioned football when I went batshit the other night about him spoiling my plans, along the lines of "im a slave to your work, football and your ex and her changing schedules. I WANT some time to myself"

Strange what bits they focus on whilst ignoring the main issue isn't it.

I think he's going to purposefully avoid the conversation of next weekend, until next weekend, then just get them anyway because he'll hope he's done a good enough job of emotionally blackmailing me by saying how he just wants to make sure she doesn't take them around the paedo.

Then you need to push the issue, you need to ask him has he cancelled, or does he want you to her personally. I'd use that threat. Tell him you want it sorted now or he can go to his mothers for the next few days, that you want it sorted because he is having all 3 of your kids and that's that and he needs to know that's how it's going to be and he's not getting out of it. And in future you want him to pull his weight more as a partner.
Migrainesbythedozen · 05/03/2022 09:36
  • or does he want you to call her personally , that should say.
TacoCats · 05/03/2022 09:36

Book a hotel and leave ALL kids with him. Maybe he'll think twice next time!

BowerOfBramble · 05/03/2022 09:36

But OP you don’t believe she will really “take them round the paedo” and she has sworn to SS she won’t, does he think she will? If she does that it’ll be on her head won’t it.

Migrainesbythedozen · 05/03/2022 09:39

@peboh

I completely understand where you're coming from. However given that he has genuinely has no idea wether or not his ex would take his DC around a child abuser is a big issue. He should take his kids that weekend, and whilst he has them he should contact social services as it sounds like neither of you trust the ex to safeguard her children.

Whilst yes, she should rearrange her weekend... she clearly isn't going to and even if dh said no, you've no way of knowing she had. So he's being a good parent and not risking putting his children in that situation.

@peboh Bad advice, he should absolutely NOT take the kids. His ex has the choice not to go anywhere with them. He cannot keep pre-empting his ex and putting his child with OP and OP's life on hold for the choices of his ex. That isn't fair. It's not fair on anyone and it is encouraging his ex to be manipulative to destroy his relationship with OP.

He just has to say NO he is not taking them. It's as simple as that. And, it's the only way.

CoffeeAndCaramel · 05/03/2022 09:40

Agree with other posters. He knew it was your rare weekend alone and still agreed to it. If there was a very good reason why the ex needed him to have the kids I would say it's just one of those things and he's doing the right thing but not in this case! Don't take the baby, he made the choice let him deal with it x

Original poster
RuRue · 05/03/2022 09:45

@BowerOfBramble

But OP you don’t believe she will really “take them round the paedo” and she has sworn to SS she won’t, does he think she will? If she does that it’ll be on her head won’t it.
I think he trusts that she won't take them around that person because there is a written agreement with social services so she would be stupid to because she knows it'll get reported.

Personally I think he might just be using the 'what if' to sway me into rolling over and saying ok have them.

The reason I think that is a possibility is because after SS drew up the agreement and backed off again I asked him if he's sufficiently reassured that will be the end of it WRT her taking them to be around him and he said yes there's no way she would risk it now.

OP posts:
SartresSoul · 05/03/2022 09:50

He will have to cope with the six of them on his own because that is what he’s agreed to do, end of story.

BowerOfBramble · 05/03/2022 10:13

Sounds entirely likely then. So why let it sway you? I mean obviously god knows no one wants children around a sex offender but short of having full custody all you can do is trust her.

tantrumsandnappies · 05/03/2022 10:32

But Op aren't you also using the 'What if' to sway him into not having his children?

tantrumsandnappies · 05/03/2022 10:34

If your partner has genuine concerns for his children why is he not doing more about it?
Like going for full custody to ensure they are never going to be around a known paedophile.

Original poster
RuRue · 05/03/2022 10:42

I'm not convinced that he is genuinely concerned though because he believes there won't be any contact. A no nonsense rule drawn up by the social which in his mind is iron clad.

I'm sure if he was worried about her taking them then as you say he wouldn't want her having custody at all.

OP posts:
CoffeeAndCaramel · 05/03/2022 10:47

So sorry op I have just read the thread. Completely understand why you wouldn't leave your baby. It's an impossible Situation isn't it!

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 05/03/2022 10:53

If he's generally a good husband and dad then i think he's between a rock and a hard place. Even if he isn't convinced she would take them around a paedophile i doubt many decent parents are likely to take even a tiny chance of that. He is safe guarding his kids the way you are with your 4 month old and he hasn't said he's unwilling to have all 6. His ex is possibly manipulating the situation and if this is the case she will probably be delighted if she is causing tension between you and DH.

I don't think either of you are unreasonable and i can totally understand why your are pissed. If you don't get your planned pamper on your actual birthday make sure it's on the next available weekend!

tantrumsandnappies · 05/03/2022 10:57

Then if you don't genuinely believe he thinks she will take them there why do you think she's trying to use that against you? That alone would spur me into action and contact a solicitor.

I'm not trying to stick up for because the fact she is even associating herself with a paedophile, is quite frankly deplorable.
I have stopped my children going somewhere for a hell of a lot less.

Nanny0gg · 05/03/2022 11:00

@VelvetChairGirl

*She's not assuming anything.

He's even admitted he can't guarantee the baby (who is 4 months old) won't get hurt because of the older kids.

I wouldn't leave my baby, either.*

you can never guarantee safety of anyone full stop and the op already said the kids get hurt when they are round which shows her being their makes no difference anyway.

It makes it less likely with two adults around, does it not?
Nanny0gg · 05/03/2022 11:01

@TacoCats

Book a hotel and leave ALL kids with him. Maybe he'll think twice next time!
It's really easy to read the OP's posts now...
TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 05/03/2022 11:02

What an awful mum she sounds "take them for the weekend or
I am taking them to visit a paedophile" Shock

If he/you dont do something drastic to stop this sick threat , she will use it for years

Aubree17 · 05/03/2022 11:02

He's accommodating his children not his ex.

Go ahead with your plans and tell him he'll cope. He will.

gingerbiscuits · 05/03/2022 11:12

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

Yes he has. Go off on your own, whether it's to a Premier inn or to your mum's. He will cope with them all on his own because he'll have to. What would happen if you were ill and admitted to hospital or similar? Tell him now you're going to keep to your original plan.
100% this! ⬆️

He's been a selfish prick who has prioritised his ex over you - bad enough on a 'regular' day but 10 times worse when it's your birthday & you very clearly had plans!

Tell him he's an arsehole & you're sticking to your plans & he can cope with all of the kids for the weekend - he's the one who created that situation.

Don't give in & don't feel in the least bit guilty!

nancynoname · 05/03/2022 11:16

Anyone who needs to sign a piece of paper to say/agree s/he won't take their children near a pedo is a disgrace of an excuse of a human being, and 100% unfit to be a parent.

I'd personally be re-informing SS pretty damn quick that she's blackmailing her ex into having the children otherwise she'll be handing them over to a pedo. She and her mother are sick in the head to even be around this person in the first place, and have no right being in the lives of innocent children.

LottyD32 · 05/03/2022 11:22

This now means my plans are down the drain because there's no way he'll cope with all 6 on his own.

Thats his tough shit isn't it, he agreed to it knowing you've got plans.

I'd leave him to it.

strawberryapricotpie · 05/03/2022 11:42

Leave him to look after the kids or he will never learn the consequences of actions.

But in this scenario it'd most likely be the kids who'd suffer the consequences!

Original poster
RuRue · 05/03/2022 11:47

@nancynoname

Anyone who needs to sign a piece of paper to say/agree s/he won't take their children near a pedo is a disgrace of an excuse of a human being, and 100% unfit to be a parent.

I'd personally be re-informing SS pretty damn quick that she's blackmailing her ex into having the children otherwise she'll be handing them over to a pedo. She and her mother are sick in the head to even be around this person in the first place, and have no right being in the lives of innocent children.

My thoughts exactly.

Most people tend to agree but a few have defended her and said it's nobody's place to judge her for wanting a relationship with the S.O and her sympathizer mother because family dynamics can be 'complicated'

They make me sick.

OP posts:
KazenoTaninoNaushika · 05/03/2022 12:04

@mrsm43s

OP, I think this update changes things:

*I wish it was that simple.

The reason she wants him to have the kids is because there's a member of her family down there that isn't allowed contact with children. Big messy backstory.

Essentially if I say no way, and she takes them and they're around that person.. I'll be made to feel responsible as it was avoidable.

Even though she claims that person is no longer on the scene, I don't quite believe it.*

In a nutshell, he has no choice but to look after his eldest children, because he cannot otherwise be sure that they will not be put into a position which is unsafe for them. A good father would absolutely step up and look after his children, no question, faced with this situation, regardless of what other things had been planned. Keeping his eldest three children away from someone who may potentially cause them harm absolutely trumps your birthday, sorry.

I can understand your frustration, and you absolutely need to have some time off at another time, as you need it. It's not fair to you that you miss out. But on this particular weekend, keeping his children safe needs to be a priority.

On a longer term basis, I would suggest that you may need to prepare for him to apply for custody of his eldest 3 if their mother cannot be trusted to keep them away from people who are known to be a risk to them.

Errr what in God's name are you talking about?! The ex is choosing to go to her mum's for a break!! The OP said so! It's not that the ex has to go there to take care of a sick mother or relative, thereby being in a situation where it is unavoidable to be within shitting distance of the child-abuser! Why the fuck should the ex's need "for a break" on that particular weekend trump the OP's right to her pre-arranged birthday plans?? Laying a pile of guilt on the OP by stating she is preventing the father from being a protective force for his kids is just utter fucking nonsense!