Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you all adore your dh ,or in all honesty are any of us staying for convinience?

126 replies

Splendididity · 03/03/2022 23:38

In late 50s.
Used get on well.
Since he is semi retired( he is older) he is around much more.
He drives me mad.
I have started to try and have time without him.He is lovely.In that he is kind, unassuming, cares about or grown d c, the planet etc.He offers to take me to cafes , the pub. We are increasingly digging at each other. I feel relief when he goes out.
I do.enjoy his company.when we go out but in the house he drives me mad.
If we split up we would both be poor and in a small flat.
Anyone else been here and if it does not change is it doable??

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 03/03/2022 23:40

I think my ex, her relationship from what I know is starting to be one of convenience due to them having 2 dc. Not sure how long the relationship will last.

Whadda · 03/03/2022 23:42

I utterly adore mine, but that has no bearing on your situation.

If you’re unhappy, you need to act on how your feel. It doesn’t matter what other people’s relationships are like. You can only focus on your own.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/03/2022 23:44

I'd rather be poor and in a small flat than in a relationship like that. Speaking from experience.

Original poster
Splendididity · 03/03/2022 23:44

Whadda
I was wondering ,if in all honesty ,if anyone else waa in similar situation, and if so, how they handle it.

OP posts:
romany4 · 03/03/2022 23:44

It's menopause.
I go through phases of wanting to kill my DH regularly.
I also love him to bits!

ComeOnSpringtime · 03/03/2022 23:45

Judging by the number of people who seem to hate their partners, I think a lot of these people are staying for convenience or because they've gotten to used to things or too comfortable and cba to start all over (Still convenience or comfort).

Why else would you remain in a relationship where you can't stand your partner (and you're not afraid for your life/safety if you leave)?

Original poster
Splendididity · 03/03/2022 23:49

romany4 i dont really understand that v well! .
When I feel I want to kill him as you say I just feel.angry and he irritates me ! Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Splendididity · 03/03/2022 23:51

I mean how can you love someone when they irritate you to death.!

OP posts:
bellsbuss · 03/03/2022 23:52

I go through phases , sometimes I absolutely adore him and can't bear to be away from him and other times normally linked to pmt I want to take the bread knife to him Grin

Original poster
Splendididity · 03/03/2022 23:52

Honestly tho, I would like to hear if anyone else is in the same boat and what you do.

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 03/03/2022 23:54

@Splendididity, sounds like you need a better home layout and make sure both have hobbies outside interests.
i've been married 42 years and we get along well. but now that we are retired yes i try to usher him out the door or take myself out for "girl time" regularly.
february is a bad month....canadian winter are bad but by february we're probably ready to poison each other.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 03/03/2022 23:56

Sounds like you need to structure your week so you're not spending so much time together. You need regular time apart.

Effic · 03/03/2022 23:57

A little younger than you but I left which also involved leaving a gorgeous 1m house, super financially comfortable easy life for a 2 bed flat and a distraught, bewildered and then angry exhusband.
Stuck out the rough bits and now 6 years later have met and married the man of my dreams (I know - vomit inducing but true) and couldn’t be happier.

floridapalmtree · 04/03/2022 00:04

I adore mine and spend most of my time with him, I am very lucky.

I think you need your own hobbies and your own time to have some distance from him.

In your situation I would try my hardest to make those changes and if they didn't work then consider the alternatives.

regjamesanddemons · 04/03/2022 00:05

I'm happily, very happily single. Most of my friends seem to be in marriages out of convenience. They accept cheating, their men going out drinking several times a week whilst they look after the kids, the house, do all the cooking and work full time, they have trust issues, they are always arguing and generally miserable but if they left they would be poor because their men are the higher earners/or they are too afraid of being alone now that they will stay to be with someone, even if that person makes them miserable.

I personally don't understand it myself, yet they don't understand me either. Constantly nagging at me to meet a man, go on dates. For what? To end up as miserable as them? No thanks, give me my daughter, cats, lovely cosy home and the ability and pride and sense of security making my own money brings any day and I'm good. I've done the miserable relationships and it's awful.

JaceLancs · 04/03/2022 01:20

I couldn’t live with anyone I didn’t adore
That’s why I share my home with DS and Dcats

Frannibananni · 04/03/2022 01:57

I think it’s very hard no matter how much you love someone to go from working apart full time to constantly having them there. I NEED time alone in my house or I just get too overwhelmed with people.

ApplesinmyPocket · 04/03/2022 02:04

He needs to find a hobby (mine, whom I do definitely adore) found a sport he could play from age 60-90 and which takes a lot of his time.

Then, you need to establish some time and a place of your own - different rooms to do your things in - eg I have a computer room and so does he.

We come together at various times of the day - for a TV prog we both like, or a dvd - from 7-9 ish. This is quite important to us as we like to spend SOME time together and knowing when it is scheduled for is good. We go out together in the daytime or garden when we need to, because we do actually like doing things together - it''s just that you do both need a place where you can do your OWN things, apart, for a good part of the day..

EmbarrassedAllOver · 04/03/2022 02:05

I think it's VERY common despite what many mumsnetters would have you believe.

I've yet to meet a long term couple who still "adore" eachother in real life tbh

EmbarrassedAllOver · 04/03/2022 02:12

@Effic

A little younger than you but I left which also involved leaving a gorgeous 1m house, super financially comfortable easy life for a 2 bed flat and a distraught, bewildered and then angry exhusband. Stuck out the rough bits and now 6 years later have met and married the man of my dreams (I know - vomit inducing but true) and couldn’t be happier.
But with all due respect, your relationship is only a few years old. Most new relationships like yours are very happy. The monotony and taking for grantedness etc usually starts at a later stage. And may still happen for you (I hope not).
LimeSegment · 04/03/2022 02:21

It's tough OP. I don't adore my DH. Despite all the posts on this thread I think this is surely a more common situation than not. I mean "adoring" someone, really? After multiple decades? It sounds like a fairy tale. Real life is a lot more complicated and real humans are more difficult to love.

Of course you can leave if you want and there are pros to being single. There are also pros to being in a relationship. It's easy to say go out and find your perfect man that adores you but is that going to happen in your late 50s? Or at any age over about 25-30?

LimeSegment · 04/03/2022 02:25

Most long term older couples I know spend lots of time apart, whether that be travelling separately, second home (seperate mansions like the Queen and PP), or in my PILs case, a caravan in the back yard.

Aria999 · 04/03/2022 02:35

We have been together for 24 years. I still think he's wonderful but I know I am lucky. We like spending time together and we have shared hobbies we enjoy.

However we are both feeling cooped up due to COVID and not having any friends here. (We moved city just before covid - we know basically nobody). We used to go out more. It feels claustrophobic. I know it's affecting DH mood and probably mine too. It's not good for people to be too on top of each other.

I agree with pp try making sure you each have time and space for yourselves and that it's agreed in advance so you can make plans. We have 2 nights a week where we go and do our own thing (mostly so that DH can do his hobby). Additionally he feeds and puts the kids to bed 2 other nights a week so I can go to my Kung fu class.

I still wish we could get out more and see people who aren't each other and I know he does too.

MangyInseam · 04/03/2022 02:40

I don't really have this problem, but I think it is really common when a couple are suddenly thrown together in the house a lot after retirement. It can take some time to make adjustments.

My grandmother thought she was going to go nuts when my grandfather retired. It helped a lot when he found a volunteer position that took up a lot of his time and attention so it wasn't quite so claustrophobic. Later, when she was unwell, and he took care of her, she was happy he was there.

Maybe you just need to find a new balance.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2022 02:52

Yes, a former coworker. I didn't know her DH but I was told that he was feckless and dumped everything on her. He lost his business and just stopped working. Then he became clingy and his constant emotional 'needs' were aggravating to her. But she didn't believe in divorce. So she basically hung in there waiting for him to die. She channelled all her energy into her teenage son's education and kept herself as busy as possible with working overtime and school and church commitments.

It definitely affected her. She became easily irritated and very protective of herself and her time. She aged physically from the strain of sticking to her resolve and 'putting up' (her words) with her DH. Honestly, she was a pretty unhappy woman. But then her DH died and it was as if she'd had a personality transplant. She was happy, outgoing, and fun. She retired and began 'living' again. She never realized that if she'd left him years before, she would have had that happiness so much earlier.