To ask if you all adore your dh ,or in all honesty are any of us staying for convinience?

[Splendididity]

In late 50s.
Used get on well.
Since he is semi retired( he is older) he is around much more.
He drives me mad.
I have started to try and have time without him.He is lovely.In that he is kind, unassuming, cares about or grown d c, the planet etc.He offers to take me to cafes , the pub. We are increasingly digging at each other. I feel relief when he goes out.
I do.enjoy his company.when we go out but in the house he drives me mad.
If we split up we would both be poor and in a small flat.
Anyone else been here and if it does not change is it doable??

I read nothing in your posts that would indicate the need to separate.

Neither did I but LTB comments are rife on Mumsnet.

OP, he sounds like a decent bloke but you clearly are spending too much time together. Most couples need time apart from one another and not to be under each other's feet 24/7.

I would find some hobbies that get you out of the house and encourage him to do the same. Join a gym, go to yoga classes, book group, pub quiz team....lots of options. I'd try this first for a while before rushing in to any big decisions.

I used to wonder how it’d be once dh and I retired, especially as he’d always worked long hours and was something of a workaholic, but he’s got two regular classes that take him out of the house, plus he’s mostly in his ‘lair’ (aka study/spare room) upstairs.

Until very recently he was spending ages on family history research - it was evidently all-absorbing. Can you get your dh into something like that?

He’s always been a fantastic dh and father, and I really do love him, but I suspect that having him under my feet all day, or constantly wanting us to do X or Y together, would have driven me bonkers. I need plenty of quiet, alone time.

Have a conversation with him, go to a pub and have 'the talk'!

The one where you say you aren't used to sharing your space all the time, and aren't adjusting very quickly. That you are used to having personal time, as well as family time, and are finding it hard to take him into account all the time. That having made your own decisions about everything for years, having him suggesting things all the time is really disconcerting.

There's room for change on both sides, here.

Suggest having a planning time- that you talk in the evening about what to do tomorrow, or that Wednesdays you do your own thing, Fridays you do something together, other days you play by ear.

Just having the conversation and having a few strategies will defuse a lot of it. It will help you understand the roots of your irritation with him.

It may be partly hormonal, but it's a big adjustment.

Not unlike the lockdowns. Some people were very isolated, but many more were on top of each other all the time and drove each other mad!

I think adore is the wrong word but I am still very much in love with my DH even after 42 years of marriage.

We get on brilliantly and are best friends as well as husband and wife. We both love being with the other.

Up until first lockdown DH was working full time - self employed and doing pretty long hours. Then lockdown and he stopped working and it was bliss. We loved being home together 24/7.

He is working again now but much less. He only works 2 or 3 days a week and much shorter hours. He intends giving up totally by about June/July and I can't wait.

Would also add that my sister and her husband both retired a couple of years ago and are also loving being together. They go out a lot but also do things together in the garden and house. They are only in their late 50's and have been married 40 years

I hear you op. 35 years married. We exist as housemates which is ok but quite lonely.

@GeneLovesJezebel

I do not love my DH. I stay because it’s easier than going, and it’s better than being alone. We don’t do anything together, and I feel relief when he goes out.

See this to me doesn't make sense. You prefer it when he's out, ie when you're alone. And yet you say you don't want to be alone. But you do, you've just written that you prefer it!

@EmbarrassedAllOver
You're saying that after x years, the fun wears off and the monotony takes over. So, why not leave at that stage? Stay whilst it's fun and you're enjoying it, then move in from that relationship once it's not. Relationships have a shelf life imo, and that's fine, doesn't mean they've failed. Just move on. I don't get this incessant need to remain in miserable relationships when logistics don't require it. For what purpose?

When I took earlyish retirement aged 58 I was worried about our relationship suffering through spending more time together. - he is semi retired and works mostly from home now. Married 32 years. But it just hasn’t been an issue, we get on as well as ever if not better. We do things on our own too. We have no children so it has only ever been the two of us, I don’t know if that makes any difference.

Definitely not staying out if convenience.

My husband is older than yours and works from home. It's fine. We've been married 35 plus years and he's still my favourite human.

I think the reality of life on a pension can keep people together - there's not a lot of money for setting up separate homes and if you've retired there's little potential for earning more.
But in this case this is a storm that could be weathered - or maybe not - but seems mad to suggest LTB when it's clear he's not a bastard, they still have good times together, they're going through a change of life akin to having dc, and there could well be menopausal anger thrown in there!

I genuinely adore my DH but your post describes my relationship with my ex. When I got to the point that I wished he would die as my life would be so much easier and more pleasant, I knew I had to act. This was in 2001. He gradually tuned nastier and nastier and then had a full blown mid life crisis. As it goes he died recently and although I haven't seen him since we split, I felt a sense of relief.

I don't think it's a sign of a bad relationship if you need regular time apart. If you schedule regular time when each of you is out of the house with friends or doing hobbies things might improve enormously. I'd try this and revisit if it's not successful.

To be honest I think you are pretty normal. It's nice to "adore" each other but I don't know anyone in their 50s who does. There's always some competitive Facebook posting person who makes a song and dance about how fab their relationship is. IME they are the ones to watch out for breaking up!!

Most people seem to have a deep abiding love for their partners but get annoyed by them. Also maybe take a reality check. How many men in their 50s do you see that you'd want to have a relationship with?

If you enjoy his company and can have good times together that's a real plus. Equally if you know you are getting on each others nerves at home then address it. Try and find ways to be more considerate of each other. And ways to tolerate each other.

Plus plan times apart. A good social life outside your main relationship is healthy.

. People who are younger in a relationship cannot know what it's like to be in your shoes at your age with that long together. People change, hormones change, priorities change etc.

You need more space, time apart and structure. You feel suffocated even if he doesn't. If that doesn't improve things then you need to think again.

You also need to realise you are not perfect either. It's a 2 way street. Im assuming he's not nasty?

I feel like this. Been together 25 years and I can't stand the sight of him. I know I should move on but I earn £1900 pm. 2 bed house around here cost £1300 to rent which wouldn't leave me much for bills. Also, the relationship isn't abusive so I don't want to affect the kids lives for my own selfish reasons. Goes without saying if we didn't have kids I would be off like a shot!

As it is I'm saving as much as I can every month and in about 10 years when the kids are gone I'll go too. Fingers crossed.

As PPs have said, 1 person retiring commonly creates a strain on the relationship. Just look for ways to get more space but in a tactful way, & encourage any hobbies your DH develops!

ittakes2 could you explain more re the sensory overload thoughts please x

Honestly I absolutely adore mine, he's my best friend. We've been together only four and a half years but have a three and a half year old. I got pregnant pretty quickly and we bought a house while I was pregnant so it's all been a bit whirlwind and stressful. I think we have a strong foundation as we've got through so much stress already so early on but I'm aware that feelings do change and one day we may not love each other anymore. He does annoy me (I'm a right grumpy bitch) but we spend a lot of time apart and give each other space.

Could you tactfully talk to him about your feelings?

I adore my DH. He does irritate me at times but I probably annoy him more. He makes me laugh and is affectionate and caring. He also enjoys housework and ironing....

I think it helps that we're both financially and separately financially secure and are together by choice, not convenience.

If the kids are adults, you probably got some spare space in the house? Take one of the kids old rooms as your study. Get in the habit of shutting the door if you go in there, say if the doors shut you're concentrating and would prefer not to be disturbed.

Also late 50s. We both have our own hobbies which take us out of the house with other people for long periods. I think this is vital.

Also it took me a long time to fully work this out but WHY did you marry him, really WHY? I was all set to kick mine out about 10 years ago due to him not pulling his weight financially and the constant financial stress of him keep losing his jobs after a year or so was making me ill. The thought of lurching from one financial crisis to another for the rest of my life was too much to bear. Then I was involved in an incident completely out of character for me which forced me to take a long hard look at myself. When I realised the real (subconscious) reason I'd married him was because he wouldn't hurt me (had had a nasty bastard violent boyfriend immediately before) everything fell into place, I was immediately at peace and we get on much much better now I'm no longer angry with him.

If he hasn't any already, then he needs to find some friends somewhere, it's not fair on you if he follows you around and drives you mad all day.

We've been together 20 years and have an age gap and children still at primary school. It is copping the worse ends of life with a middle-aged man who wants to get in from a long day at work and vegetate along with the demands of children. This is the time of day when I'm still on mum-taxi and doing dinners/ bedtime/ reading. DS1 has high functioning SNs so that's more organising and draining than average, DS2 looks to have dyslexia and also needs organising. I'm not naturally organised myself so organising 3 lives and then having DH loitering in vegetate mode is draining!

Do I love him? Ultimately yes. Life is better with him. When he's in "doing mode" it's good.
When he retires, he will need to be kept busy for both our sakes. I'd happily join a rambling club with him. We also need seperate hobbies and by retirement, family logistics will not be a limitation. Away from home, we're still good company for each other and it's finding the right balance of alone time, couple time and family time and we're in a phase where that balance is incredibly tricky to achieve.

Companionship goes a long way in long-lasting relationships. It's not glamourous but it's more sustainable than romance and physical attraction.

Dh had 8 weeks off when I had a c-section, I was glad when he went back to work. I'm used to him working away for days to months at a time so more than a couple of weeks of him home living in eachothers pockets really grates on me. I don't mind so much if we're doing stuff together but around the house he's not very useful and gets under my feet more than anything.

I definitely get claustrophobic if we are together too much. But then, I am an only child and have always liked my own company. I would be annoyed with ANYONE who I was around me almost constantly - apart from my cat.

There is a difference between being in a relationship and enjoying alone time than actually living and being alone. I'm not saying one is better than the other but they are not the same.