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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you all adore your dh ,or in all honesty are any of us staying for convinience?

126 replies

Splendididity · 03/03/2022 23:38

In late 50s.
Used get on well.
Since he is semi retired( he is older) he is around much more.
He drives me mad.
I have started to try and have time without him.He is lovely.In that he is kind, unassuming, cares about or grown d c, the planet etc.He offers to take me to cafes , the pub. We are increasingly digging at each other. I feel relief when he goes out.
I do.enjoy his company.when we go out but in the house he drives me mad.
If we split up we would both be poor and in a small flat.
Anyone else been here and if it does not change is it doable??

OP posts:

Fallsballs · 04/03/2022 06:05

I have a friend who does this and tolerates her husband, 2nd marriage and determined to keep it going even though he irritates the fuck out of her for same reasons as PPs. She is changing as a person, all the bitterness and effort spent tolerating him has made her quite angry, short tempered and incredibly self protective.
I find her quite hard to deal with now, which is so sad as I love her a lot as a friend. Her other friends have dropped off as have her family ironically leaving her more time to spend with her husband 😬

exLtEveDallas · 04/03/2022 06:25

I don’t adore my DH. I am comfortable with him. Spending too much time with him alone does irritate me, but mainly because he needs noise whereas I need quiet - he has TV on in background, radio in kitchen, talks, comments on internet etc, I happily read, MN, bake etc in silence.

If we are home together (he is retired, I still work) we are fine, but I like it when he goes to the gym or into the garden for a couple of hours. If he didn’t do that I think I would tire of him/become a screaming harridan in short order!

I do wonder what life will be like when I retire (not for 10 years or so) and sometimes it worries me. Hopefully he’ll remain fit and healthy and able to get out from under my feet regularly.

FirmButFairMum · 04/03/2022 06:29

I do.enjoy his company.when we go out but in the house he drives me mad.

I’m not sure I understand why at home he’s annoying but out he’s ok. How long have you felt like this?

But to answer your question maybe you both need some space. Myself and DH weren’t getting along, I asked if he was ok one day and it turns out I was annoying him. So I suggested he moved out for a month and we’d regroup after and see how we felt. It was made clear that we were still married, no dating. After two weeks we’d both had time to think on our own both made some compromises and we’ve been great ever since, that was 7 years ago. Might be worth a try.

bert3400 · 04/03/2022 06:35

I'm 54 and still adore my DH after 24 years together. We also spend most of our time together but he is younger than me and is still the hilarious, vibrant, enthusiastic man I met a long time ago. I could not stay in a unhappy relationship ( did for a while with 1st XH) . Life is too short and you still have many years ahead of you. I would rather be poor and happy

GeneLovesJezebel · 04/03/2022 06:38

I do not love my DH. I stay because it’s easier than going, and it’s better than being alone.
We don’t do anything together, and I feel relief when he goes out.

TenoringBehind · 04/03/2022 06:38

This is quite common in my experience, certainly in my friendship group (50plus women). Exacerbated by too much time together since Covid and WFH.
I’d honestly be thrilled if dh left me for someone else.

TenoringBehind · 04/03/2022 06:39

Fwiw in couples who ‘adore’ each other often one is having an affair with someone else!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/03/2022 06:41

I'd never stay in a relationship for convenience. I am divorced, and yes I am poorer, but I'm happier and feel in control of my life. No point in having more money but a miserable existence.

Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow · 04/03/2022 06:45

I would think it’s very common, op. Has he become a lot more needy? Taking more interest in the running of the house, shopping etc now he has time but he didn’t do it for years and now it’s irritating? I’ve had a few friends negatively comment on their husbands impending retirement. What are they going to do with him? He’s not going to entertain himself, I’ll have to do it etc etc. I think women run out of steam in organising other people once the kids are grown up and we only want to organise ourselves at that point.
The irritation comes if we are expected to fill the gap in our husband’s life, especially if he had historically always prioritised himself.
Encourage him to get a hobby.

GeneLovesJezebel · 04/03/2022 06:46

I believe cycling and golf takes them away for hours, so suggest it !

HardbackWriter · 04/03/2022 06:51

I don't know if this is any comfort - and I know you never really know what's going on from the outside of the marriage - but my parents went through a really hard time after retirement and I thought they would split up. Five years on they seem really happy together again, but they have developed quite rigid routines around their hobbies which mean they rarely have a whole day in the house alone together - and my mum did seem to very firmly nudge my dad towards this! They both worked full-time before retirement so spending all that time together was a huge adjustment and I think it took them a few years to work out rhythms that worked for them.

Polyanthus2 · 04/03/2022 06:55

Well DH retired 6 years ago.
He is quite selfish and also decided to give regular advice ln what is in the fridge/ what to cook for tea/ comments on how clean rooms were - this from someone who doesn't lift a finger in the house.......
Anyway we have got past this, he still won't help in the house but is ace at fixing things. He has several hobbies which takes him out, or into his shed. I have my interests which I follow he has his. I sort of envy couples who share interests (camper van for example) but that's not for us, I would find it too much probably.
I also have a cleaner - no way I'm doing it all. And a gardner. Leaves me time to do what I want and no resentment.
Several neighbours have been widowed in the last year or two - I don't envy them coming home to an empty house.

I'm sure there are loads of groups/ classes in your area you can join and fill your life with. He will then have to sort himself out.

ittakes2 · 04/03/2022 06:58

It sounds to me like its not him its you might have sensory overload and prefer alone time to recharge.

Ttcfinalbub · 04/03/2022 07:01

Maybe it's just a shock to you to find him so... present in your life :L he's probably just smothering you being around always? You've had your own space and routine for x years now all of a sudden he's there ? Of you don't love him let yourself be happy, if you do try throw him on a golf course :p

BlueFlavour · 04/03/2022 07:03

I definitely don’t adore dh . We are mid fifties. I think this is normal. How much does he irritate you on a day to day basis @Splendididity

littlepeas · 04/03/2022 07:07

I wouldn't say I adored him, but we are still happy enough (married 16 years). I know already that he will irritate me when he retires, because I got fed up with him over lockdown . We need time apart to pursue our own interests alongside quality time together (not just pottering alongside each other around the house, with dc about) in order to function at our best.

Relationships change over time - it's deluded to expect to be completely loved up forever (although I guess some lucky people are).

JustJam4Tea · 04/03/2022 07:11

I like mine…fond indeed. But in any long marriage I expect there’s ups and downs and times when if it was easy to leave you would. I’m heartily relieved he’s taken up cycling with a bunch of blokes on a Sunday morning. I love that time to myself.

Menopause made me hate him.

But we’ve started talking about retirement and what we want to do….together and separately.

whyohwhyohwhyohwhywhy · 04/03/2022 07:14

Surely there is a big gulf between adoring someone and wanting to leave. I agree with pp that it sounds a bit fairytale and real life is different.

Your dh sounds perfectly normal and fine in the OP - I'm surprised so many people say they couldn't live like that (although it is typical Mumsnet).

Have you discussed your new lives now he is at home more?
Are you both open and honest and making an effort to keep things going?

Joystir59 · 04/03/2022 07:17

You each need time apart and your own friendships and activities. See how you feel about him when you've both achieved that.

Joystir59 · 04/03/2022 07:18

I read nothing in your posts that would indicate the need to separate.

CBFA · 04/03/2022 07:21

An awareness that I am not always sunshine and light to live with helps with perspective :D I would really try to give each other space and different hobbies and environments

AuntieStella · 04/03/2022 07:22

The start of retirement is one of the really challenging times in a marriage. The external change make a difference to all sorts of things, eg income and, critically, time.

Some marriages don't stand the transition. You need to think carefully about whether you have a settled view that the marriage is over, or if you're still coming to terms with the change.

As posted above, taking up golf is one traditional solution.

I'm not saying stay if you know you're intractably unhappy. But do think how much is down to the change and whether you can reach adjustments that make both of you happy

FlipFlops4Me · 04/03/2022 07:23

I don't adore mine but I love him deeply and profoundly. I can't imagine being without him. For the past year I have been his carer and that has slightly changed the balance of our relationship but he is still my best friend, my true love and the man I vowed to love and care for in sickness and health.

He had years of caring for me while I had a couple of bouts of cancer and now it's my turn to show how much I love him.

I can't imagine being without him and we are together 24/7 - we argue about once a week but they're quickly over, we apologise to each other and move on.

Libertybear80 · 04/03/2022 07:27

I sometimes think it is just convenience but then sometimes we get on exceptionally well. I will want to kill him when he retires though as he will get under my feet. I may go and take up a new hobby!

Zapx · 04/03/2022 07:31

In my limited experience I think one person retiring can definitely put temporary strain on a relationship. It's a huge adjustment obviously! It sounds like you definitely still like him, just that maybe you need more alone time. I fondly remember someone saying to their DH "how can I miss you if you won't GO AWAY!"

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