To ask if you all adore your dh ,or in all honesty are any of us staying for convinience?

[Splendididity]

In late 50s.
Used get on well.
Since he is semi retired( he is older) he is around much more.
He drives me mad.
I have started to try and have time without him.He is lovely.In that he is kind, unassuming, cares about or grown d c, the planet etc.He offers to take me to cafes , the pub. We are increasingly digging at each other. I feel relief when he goes out.
I do.enjoy his company.when we go out but in the house he drives me mad.
If we split up we would both be poor and in a small flat.
Anyone else been here and if it does not change is it doable??

I think I've only ever adored small children and chocolate.
Is this the new thing now, love is not enough, we need adoration?
It's a bit too close to worship for me.

I adore my DH but we're in our mid-30's and have only been together for 6 years. He does things that annoy me. I do things that annoy him. We've only ever had one argument though. It's not full-on honking eachother's brains out and writing poetry but is cosy, loving and rather nice.

@EmbarrassedAllOver

I think it's VERY common despite what many mumsnetters would have you believe.

I've yet to meet a long term couple who still "adore" eachother in real life tbh

We love each other more than ever after 61 years of marriage. HOWEVER there were times when I certainly wasn’t happy and could easily have chucked it all in. Life has its ups and downs and now neither of us can bear the thought that one of us will be left behind when the other dies.

There's times I want to absolutely kill him and he irritates me sometimes just for the way he breathes 😂 but ultimately, I adore him.

My DH nursed me through pancreatic cancer when I was 28 whilst we had two babies - one aged 1 and a bit and one aged 3 months. I've never known such an unselfish kind of love before apart from my mum.

I feel completely secure, I never question him or his commitment to me and our family, we laugh daily and we respect each other immensely. And yes, we have a good sex life.

We have our moments and arguments but ultimately, the love is there.

I often wonder if we would have felt this way had I not had cancer, and as crazy as it is to say, cancer made us closer. He's my world to be honest and I know I'm his 🥰

Pass me the sick bucket 😂😂

I was used to having loads of time to myself as dh had the big career and I was a trailing spouse. We moved back to the UK in October 2019, when dh took early retirement, and then lock down hit, which was OK. We have solved the issue by me going back to work f/t!!

I think it is hard to suddenly stop a large part of what your life was built around, and it takes time to adjust. You will get there.

@Mistressiggi

I think I've only ever adored small children and chocolate. Is this the new thing now, love is not enough, we need adoration? It's a bit too close to worship for me.

Small children and chocolate, yes - but you forgot about cats.

@Splendididity

Whadda I was wondering ,if in all honesty ,if anyone else waa in similar situation, and if so, how they handle it.

But if you still enjoy going out with him you obviously still like him somehow. How long has it been since he semi retired ?

Lots and lots of couple struggle when one retires and the other is still living their old life. Your husband's life has changed and it is affecting your life and I assume you don't want it to ? You need to ask yourself what exactly it is about home being home more that annoys you so much . It is a transition and you need to talk to each other about it

@arethereanyleftatall

I'd rather be poor and in a small flat than in a relationship like that. Speaking from experience.

Totally agree with this.

We are retired, I am 60 and DH 69. We have been married for almost 40yrs.

Apart from holidays and weekends we have spent our working lives apart from 7am-6pm and sleeping from 11pm-6am. So that's a total of approx 6hrs a day awake and together for nearly 40yrs. That is a massive difference to the 14+hrs a day we spend awake together now.

We are very different people but we have a happy, calm life. One of our boys is home now (at work) after graduating and one is still at uni. DH is kind, considerate, chilled, interactive, helpful, decent and honest. BUT he cannot sit still for a minute! He drives me nuts. He's always fiddling around with something, or making tea, or putting rubbish out, or wandering about looking for something.

I always love him, sometimes adore him, sometimes want to throttle him. Thank goodness for both of us that his hobbies (birdwatching and photography) take him outdoors 2-3 times a week for whole days. Thank goodness we have the space to remove ourselves for a bit of peace if needed.

We have learned a lot more about each other in the past 3yrs that's for sure. Learning to be retired together and acknowledging each other's needs has been a learning curve for both of us. And yes, we bicker a bit more than we did when we were both busy and at work, but we also enjoy the slower pace of life and the freedom.

I think the secret to retirement is to keep up with friends, find hobbies, and make time for ourselves, together and separately. On weeks where we are home a lot, or he can't get out because of the weather we are definitely snippier over the small irritations.

I’ll probably need to name change after this!
I love my husband. But at this stage I only just about tolerate him. He annoys me. We are like flatmates at best.
But I’m also aware that he puts up with me and I’m hard to live with.
I also don’t want to grow old alone.

I’m happy enough however; I cope with it on a day to day by spending a lot of time with my friends (various groups). I have lots of hobbies which I do weekly and also take up my time. I’ve moved into the spare room so have my own space.
My husband is a high earner as am I but I don’t love my job and knowing I can quit anytime keeps me going. (He loves how and would be supportive of I quit) If I left my husband I’d feel completely trapped in a job I don’t love. I wouldn’t have the 5 family hols a year and the many weekends away with friends. I’d be infinitely poorer. (Mentioning this purely to emphasise how much I would stand to lose if I left him)
So I choose to stay. My lifestyle massively outweighs the lack of a proper happy marriage. Faraway hills aren’t always greener.

OP
I hear you
DH and I are younger than you but we have been together for 20 odd years.
I do love him and I'm sure he loves me. Until a couple of years ago I'd have said I was very happy
Now I find I'm constantly annoyed with him
(Tbf hes the same with me to a degree but denies it )
He is very different from me and I dont know whether he got worse or I'm less tolerant but sometimes I can hardly look at him.
We both work and my work pattern differs so I'm out various times and days. He gets lots of times to himself (dc are still there obviously). Where as he is Monday to fri 9 to 5. So when I'm home hes always there glued to the telly.
Sometimes it's all good and I feel bad to feel this. Hes a good man too.
I cant decide if I'm a moody bitch with no patience or whether he is the one at fault for not trying to make me feel better and it repeatedly doing stuff that he knows damn well that annoys me.

Erm.... I wouldn't say I adore him all of the time. I love him and I like spending time with him but I also enjoy my independence and having time away from him.

I have friends who never do anything without their husbands, can't spend a night away from them and so on and quite honestly it does make me internally eye roll.

I’m going to sound sooo old fashioned... but. I think that you kind of need to work at marriage, and work at solutions. Obviously if someone is abusive or you genuinely cannot stand each other that’s different.

I see people split up and get with someone else. Sure, the initial rush of a new relationship is amazing... but a few years down the line then the “buzz” has kinda gone. Not to mention all the havoc all this relationship stuff causes the children.

I'd rather be poor and in a small flat than in a relationship like that.

Yes but it’s not always about you. My kids deserve to live in a nice house with a garden and have swimming lessons and dance classes. It would be super selfish if I moved them to a small flat where they had nothing, just because I don’t love their dad.

Thank you all for your responses. Will take some time and read them all.
For those in a similar boat.. hope it helped you to share and thanks.

I can honestly say that I really, really love my husband (I don't adore anyone, that would just be odd). Sometimes he annoys the shit out of me - as I'm sure I do him - and we've had huge rows in the past before we learnt to communicate better but we've been together over 25 years now and I always feel happy when I hear his key in the lock and I don't like being away from him for long. I dread the day he's not here and hope I will be alive for a long time but that I go before him. We've had some difficult times caused mainly by external stresses but now we are both self-employed and work from home so we spend a lot of time together now and we love it - he used to work long hours out of the house. Although I am a good mixer I can be quite a solitary person in general and need my own space but somehow I don't need it from DH. It works because we've always been best friends underneath it all, we both had quite difficult childhoods so we've built a happy, stable life together we both appreciate. We don't have any children either and went through the stress of infertility but we're very happy just being the two of us now.

I am a practical person and can see why people might stay with someone tolerable for material benefits but I don't really think I could manage it long-term. It would drain the joy from my life.

@Obira

I'd rather be poor and in a small flat than in a relationship like that.

Yes but it’s not always about you. My kids deserve to live in a nice house with a garden and have swimming lessons and dance classes. It would be super selfish if I moved them to a small flat where they had nothing, just because I don’t love their dad.

Ok , I'll expand.

My kids and I would rather be in a small flat in a happy environment surrounded by positivity and love than in a large house and garden in an unhappy environment surrounded by bitterness..

I adore mine but it's a second marriage. I learned some lessons first time around!

My kids and I would rather be in a small flat in a happy environment surrounded by positivity and love than in a large house and garden in an unhappy environment surrounded by bitterness

I can only speak for my own circumstances but there is no bitterness in my home. Its a lovely life, I just don't love my husband anymore and that's my problem, no body else's. Although I suppose once I leave you could say its my husband problem too but I can live with that.

@CounsellorTroi

When I took earlyish retirement aged 58 I was worried about our relationship suffering through spending more time together. - he is semi retired and works mostly from home now. Married 32 years. But it just hasn’t been an issue, we get on as well as ever if not better. We do things on our own too. We have no children so it has only ever been the two of us, I don’t know if that makes any difference.

We also have no children so it has always been just the 2 of us (plus our dogs). I do think it makes a difference as children place such a strain on relationships

Nope, love mine to bits, warts and all. I have been in a bad relationship so advice you leave. You will never be truly happy if you are like this only a few years in.

I found last lockdown and perimenpause hitting hard - and I usually like a house full - DH had worked from home for 18 months.

Started taking star flower suppliments - that helped.

Our weekends are still more in house than we used to do. However house layout helps - 3 downstairs rooms - and every child having own bedroom. Mean we can get away from each other also DH has indoor hobbies.

Looking at our retried parents I do think you need ouside activties, structure other people and time apart - they do pick at each other more than they did when working.

when you say "he is older" what is the age gap (apologies if you have already mentioned it)

Dh and I have been together 22 years and married for 19 of those. We spend a LOT of time together due to the nature of our work, although we don't formally work together.
We bicker from time to time and we definitely know how to push each other's buttons and annoy each other but on the whole we get on incredibly well and we are each other's favourite person.

We 100% have each other's backs and we just love each other. I cant (don't want to) imagine life without him.

OP do you think the love is just gone or could you work at getting your realtionship into a better place?

I don't think life is about adoration between partners. I adore my children, that's probably about it. I love my husband and care for him emotionally and practically as he has significant medical issues. I fully expect I will be widowed one day and that's very sad. But I guess knowing it in advance means inside me I have a internal core that is protected from needing him "too much" because I know he may go. He is the person I have chosen to raise a family with but perhaps there will be others for a later stage of life (just as there were others before!)