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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you all adore your dh ,or in all honesty are any of us staying for convinience?

126 replies

Splendididity · 03/03/2022 23:38

In late 50s.
Used get on well.
Since he is semi retired( he is older) he is around much more.
He drives me mad.
I have started to try and have time without him.He is lovely.In that he is kind, unassuming, cares about or grown d c, the planet etc.He offers to take me to cafes , the pub. We are increasingly digging at each other. I feel relief when he goes out.
I do.enjoy his company.when we go out but in the house he drives me mad.
If we split up we would both be poor and in a small flat.
Anyone else been here and if it does not change is it doable??

OP posts:
BoodleBug51 · 04/03/2022 09:31

I'm also struggling, OP.

Our situation is horrendously complicated though - I work in his business as well as living together and I feel that I've put a huge level of work in to get us where we are today; neither of us have any extended family relationships and we have a lovely home/lifestyle that will all just be lost. I got very stupidly into debt in my younger years so nearly everything is in his name although my credit score has fully recovered. I've made a huge effort this year to open a savings account, stop spending frivolous money and make myself an escape fund.

It's not easy, OP, is it.

Outhouse71421 · 04/03/2022 09:39

I don't hate mine but after menopause I became far less patient with his occasional bullshit, and I see him a bit differently these days. More clearly, unfortunately!

Snog · 04/03/2022 09:43

Do you have separate bedrooms?
I really like this arrangement.

godmum56 · 04/03/2022 09:47

@EmbarrassedAllOver

I think it's VERY common despite what many mumsnetters would have you believe.

I've yet to meet a long term couple who still "adore" eachother in real life tbh

Then you never met us. I met my husband to be when I was aged 14 and he died 10 years ago when I was 58. It was love at first sight and we were happy together every day of our relationship. Yes we argued, yes we had some separate hobbies but I miss him every day. I have no idea how common "tolerated" relationships are but I guess its self selecting...if you are happy together you don't talk about it because there is nothing to say!
godmum56 · 04/03/2022 09:50

@stripeyflowers

I definitely get claustrophobic if we are together too much. But then, I am an only child and have always liked my own company. I would be annoyed with ANYONE who I was around me almost constantly - apart from my cat.

There is a difference between being in a relationship and enjoying alone time than actually living and being alone. I'm not saying one is better than the other but they are not the same.

very true. All my life I have valued my alone time. I used to say that the only person whose company I preferred to my own was my late husband's. I don't suffer with loneliness now but I am alone and would give anything to have him back again.
stripeyflowers · 04/03/2022 09:53

godmum Flowers

As much as he drives me up the wall sometimes, yes, I know I would feel like this.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/03/2022 09:57

Dh works from home
I’m retired
Ds works from home.

I want to live on a deserted island.

neverbeenskiing · 04/03/2022 10:01

I think you can adore someone, but still want to kill them very occasionally. I do get irritated with my DH sometimes (usually when I'm tired or premenstrual) but I wouldn't be without him. I have always been someone who craves time alone every so often, but I enjoy my DH's company more than anyone else's. We've been together for 17 years so definitely past the honeymoon period and not blind to each others faults, but we love each other very much. We do have separate hobbies and interests, which helps I think, but we spend the vast majority of our time together and that's how we like it.

CounsellorTroi · 04/03/2022 10:03

@EmbarrassedAllOver

I think it's VERY common despite what many mumsnetters would have you believe.

I've yet to meet a long term couple who still "adore" eachother in real life tbh

I know plenty. Including one couple who, when they are not looking after grandchildren, spend a lot of time caravanning. That wouldn’t be much fun if they didn’t still adore each other would it?
GeneLovesJezebel · 04/03/2022 10:09

@Outhouse71421

I don't hate mine but after menopause I became far less patient with his occasional bullshit, and I see him a bit differently these days. More clearly, unfortunately!
Menopause certainly removes the rose tinted glasses.
dottydodah · 04/03/2022 10:10

I think what you describe is fairly normal really.It is very difficult to "adore" each other after a long marriage. I would look at the positives .liking to go out still to cafes and pubs ,being kind and caring.We have been married a while and we still love one another .However need some space! Maybe a hobby or volunteer work may appeal?

NebbiaZanzare · 04/03/2022 10:15

There have been periods over the length of the marriage when I know I was here solely because the alternative was less appealing. Having been through my parents divorce I’m well aware the greener grass can look worse than your original lawn when you are actually having to mow it. So that coloured my view of what the alternative could potentially look like for DS in particular, but also DH & I as individuals.

I’m sure DH has had the same. Luckily usually never at the same time. Although there were a few times during lock down when we were united in feeling we would have rather peeled off our own faces rather than spend another minute in each other’s company.

Back to adoring now.

Bortles · 04/03/2022 10:16

Yes, early 40s. We really only keep it going as we have young children and neither of us wants to deal with the other introducing a new partner onto the scene. It's friendly, convenient, sometimes irritating, but it's not adoring at all. Expect it will end at some point but Im not really optimistic about love anymore so not really bothered. Wasted all my youth chasing that around.

Pyewhacket · 04/03/2022 10:18

Gladly I don't have that problem : he's an easy man to love , we've been around the world, worked in several countries and had many adventures. He's spent a lot more time bringing up three kids than I have, he's an aerospace engineer plus he has a commercial pilots licence, he's an impressive guy. I'm at work, 60 hours a week.

stripeyflowers · 04/03/2022 10:19

I don't know who it was but someone once said a marriage is like a piano - it goes in and out of tune all the time. This is my experience.

Notjustanymum · 04/03/2022 10:19

You could try to work on your relationship in a different way than you have been doing?
Relationships change over time. When my DC were around 5 & 10, our marriage had become distant, so my DH arranged for my IL’s to take the DC for a long weekend and we went abroad for a short City break.
He talked to me about how he felt we were drifting apart, and said he’d arranged the break away because he wanted us to get back to the way we had been before children.
Long story short, we reconnected and we both made some changes which saved our marriage.
Now we are reaching the next stage of marriage, with DC leaving home Etc. It’s time for another adjustment as DH is retired. This time I’m going to instigate it: we’ve been successful before so I’ve no doubt that with discussion and compromise on both sides, we will work it out.
Remember, by doing the same thing over again and expecting things to change is madness, so try something different. Whether that means you stay or not, at least you will have tried…

CounsellorTroi · 04/03/2022 10:25

I do still adore my DH after 32 years We laugh together every day. Not saying he doesn’t irritate me occasionally, he is a human being. I irritate him too. We’ve survived infertility, depression (his and mine) caring for frail and needy elderly parents. We both have separate interests and hobbies. And I would feel like godmum too if I lost him.

beattieedny · 04/03/2022 10:26

Maybe you just need more of your own space than him? Both me and my dh like our own space, which works out well, but it does need talking about if you are annoying each other. I still adore mine (over 20 yrs marriage) and he is very loving and sweet to me, but there have been harder times we have had to work through. Long term relationships require work sometimes. Hang in with each other, even seek relationship counselling together. Trust me, it's not something to be thrown away!

tiredanddangerous · 04/03/2022 10:35

Mine is irritating the hell out of me lately. I'm putting it down to seeing much more of him due to the pandemic and peri menopause. My plan is wait and hope it passes!

thebabessavedme · 04/03/2022 10:35

I think the thing to remember is that most of us are just not very adorable all the time Smile I have no doubt that my dh loves me very deeply and I know I can count on him to always be there for me. We had a discussion the other day about whether we 'took each other for granted' and decided we did, its not a bad thing, we just know that we are happy together, we are happy with the way we manage our lives, neither of us feel put upon, we are an equal team and more importantly we are very good friends, the passion is still there, we fancy each other.
I was worried at the start of lockdown about how we would put up with each other 24/7 but we rubbed along ok which I think is great after nearly 30 years together. Of course the days on which we are not very adorable people happen, I am more than happy to tell him when he is being a twat and he likes to reciprecate Grin, other than that we like each other!

sunshinesupermum · 04/03/2022 10:41

I love DP but have become his carer now that he has Long Covid. Only time we are apart is when I go out to meet a girlfriend for coffee once a week. Lucky to have a roof over our heads and food on the table but in all honesty life is a grind but I can't leave him.

Obira · 04/03/2022 10:46

I just avoid him. I stay in bed until he goes out to work. I go to bed early while he’s watching tv downstairs. I took up a hobby and encouraged him to take up a different hobby; the more he goes out the better. If we split I couldn’t afford to buy another house or pay the bills on my own. I need to prioritise keeping a roof over my head and over our children’s’ heads, and having enough money to give them a decent lifestyle. My own needs come second to making sure he continues providing for our children. I intend to leave him when the youngest child is 18 and goes to university.

toconclude · 04/03/2022 10:50

@LimeSegment

It's tough OP. I don't adore my DH. Despite all the posts on this thread I think this is surely a more common situation than not. I mean "adoring" someone, really? After multiple decades? It sounds like a fairy tale. Real life is a lot more complicated and real humans are more difficult to love.

Of course you can leave if you want and there are pros to being single. There are also pros to being in a relationship. It's easy to say go out and find your perfect man that adores you but is that going to happen in your late 50s? Or at any age over about 25-30?

Well, quite. All this 'you must be passionately in love or it doesn't count' is responsible for more discontent and unhappiness than steady regard and commitment. We are not talking infidelity and drink, just human nature which rarely sustains that level of enthusiasm about anything for decades.
MyCatEatsPrawnCrackers · 04/03/2022 10:52

To be honest, I don't 'adore' anyone. I do love my DH but like any personal relationship, it fluctuates. There are times when I love him to bits and also times when he really gets on my wick. However, he is a kind, decent, honest man and my life is a lot better for having him in it.

CounsellorTroi · 04/03/2022 11:01

All this 'you must be passionately in love or it doesn't count' is responsible for more discontent and unhappiness than steady regard and commitment.

That’s not really what people are saying though. They are countering the idea that long term relationships must be more about mutual convenience than still loving each other and wanting to be with each other regardless of convenience.