To send my eldest to grammar school knowing it’ll be a squeeze?

[Troisfoisfilles]

So my eldest just won a place at a really good grammar school in our area to start year 7 in September which is great.
She did so well in the entrance exam and interview that she was offered a scholarship and we have been awarded a brilliant bursary. Only trouble is, the bursary doesn’t cover everything and even the transport and uniform are a huge expense! It’s going to be a massive squeeze on finances. I also have two younger children who will no doubt miss out on little treats and things that I won’t be able to afford any longer 😞.
She is very intelligent and would do well at any school but I know for a fact that she won’t achieve full potential at a state school.
I originally applied for a place for her at the school I teach at. It’s a great school and she would do ok there but I don’t want just ok for her. For a start, she’s really quite eccentric and mature for her age. Kids similar to this at my school don’t really go down that well and are singled out by the others - kids are horrid!
I really believe she needs the small classes, discipline and pushiness she’d get at a grammar.
So am I being unreasonable in sending her?

I would do it in a heartbeat. You know that your DD will thrive and the 'sacrifices' are ones that your smaller kids won't notice at the moment.

It's that old chestnut of equal not always meaning equitable.

@sweetbellyhigh

It's pretty simple: no because you can't afford it.

All the handwringing in the world won't change that.your child still gets to go to "great" school.

And frankly, you are deluding yourself that this grammar not grammar school will be the answer to her dreams. There are many unwritten extras that accompany private school fees, the expectation to engage in costly out of school activities, join ski trips, city breaks and so on.

If I could advise parents of one thing wrt their children's education it would be to send them to school in the company of children from a similar economic background, kids who have the same expectations around Christmas, clothes and holidays. Else you're setting them up to be a social pariah.

Totally disagree with this. Firstly OPs daughter is clearly very bright and has won an almost full bursary. I’m a teacher and my kids went to our school on half fees and we’re absolutely fine despite money being tight.

@Blossomtoes OP specifically mentioned her DD being eccentric and being concerned about her fitting in.

@Troisfoisfilles you are already scrimping now. That old car will need to be replaced at some point maybe more than once.

@GeorgiaGirl52

Words of wisdom from my grandmother: Always get the best health care you can afford and the best education you can afford because they are yours for a lifetime.

Couldn't have penned a better response OP. Do it!!!

There are many unwritten extras that accompany private school fees, the expectation to engage in costly out of school activities, join ski trips, city breaks and so on

That's what bursaries are for. At one of my relative's independent school, the aim for this year is to raise a million for bursaries. This will not only cover fees, but can be used to fund trips etc for parents who can't afford them.
This is a top, very academic independent school.

I would absolutely send her and try to make ends meet. What a fantastic opportunity for her.

I am one of 3; my younger sibling was the only one to get a private education. No issue at all, my other sibling and I were very happy at our state school.

@Niahm

Really bright kids who get sent to state school are usually just left to rot while the teachers concentrate on the ‘slower’ students. 1,000% go for it! As you said, you’ve got years to figure things out financially before the younger two are secondary age.

Well at my DD's secondary state school everyone is put into sets, so the 'slower' students are all in different classes from the bright students. DD is extremely bright and I think her teachers are amazing.

@Photolass

There are many unwritten extras that accompany private school fees, the expectation to engage in costly out of school activities, join ski trips, city breaks and so on

That's what bursaries are for. At one of my relative's independent school, the aim for this year is to raise a million for bursaries. This will not only cover fees, but can be used to fund trips etc for parents who can't afford them.
This is a top, very academic independent school.

I'm talking birthday parties and weekend breaks with friends not school trips.

@GraciousPiglet

Plenty of grammar schools are fee paying.

@Photolass

There are many unwritten extras that accompany private school fees, the expectation to engage in costly out of school activities, join ski trips, city breaks and so on

That's what bursaries are for. At one of my relative's independent school, the aim for this year is to raise a million for bursaries. This will not only cover fees, but can be used to fund trips etc for parents who can't afford them.
This is a top, very academic independent school.

That may be so at your relative's school, but OP has already said her DD's bursary doesn't cover everything.

@Musmerian

So what? Lots of children are "clearly very bright".

And the school is obviously not very selective if it takes half the applicants. There are schools oversubscribed by thousands.

Firstly congractulations. Sorry but if there is around 150 applications and take 60 children it is not so selective school. My DD had offer from one of the independent school this year, applicants were more then 450 and they took 38 children only.
If it will effect my lifestyle other kids clubs, tutors, holidays I woudnt accept the offer. Buti f she get scholorship and bursary I would send her it means she deserve to be there. But I must say the other children may not be able to get that kind of scholorship or bursary and they may ask to go to independent school in secondary as well. It tricky...
Good luck, wish you all the best.

I don't think you have done anything wrong with letting your DD sit the exam its a good thing so you are both aware of her potential. However she obviously is clever and something will come her way sometimes it's just pure luck.

I personally would not send her though and I know it's a real shame but the reality is OP you are a single parent with 3 kids. It's no life having to penny pinch it's a luxury within itself to be able to just unwind for an hour and have the cake and coffee out to yourself. It's important as a single parent to do these things like this for the sake of your own sanity.

Could you go through CMS to get finical support for your DDs father?

I think I would send her.

Send her, and apply for a job teaching there.
Staff kids usually go free.

As part of your decision making, I think you should bear in mind that bursary funding is linked to household income. So if your income goes up, your bursary will reduce and you'll be no better off.

I was raised by a single parent and my siblings and I all passed the 11+

We didn’t get to go to the grammar school and not only that went to a bit of a sink school
We all feel that was a huge missed opportunity. We also understand that each of us were treated differently depending on the circumstances at the time, we don’t begrudge each other those differences

You’re absolutely not being unreasonable to want to send her to this school, where you believe she will do better both academically and otherwise. The question is whether it’s realistic financially.
If you’re going to spend every minute of her years there having to say “no” to all three children, then it doesn’t sound like it’d be a good choice.
I agree with other poster that you can’t be certain she’ll do better at this school. There are so many variables. As a teacher you’ll know that some years are “nicer/better behaved/etc” than other years. And that can make more difference than even the general ethos of the school. But your gut feeling wants her to go, so why not try.
I think you should look into the various options for either increasing your income or finding a charity that is specifically set up to help children like your daughter. There’s a huge book showing charities and what their specialities are (available in any library, so presumably online too). It’ll take hours, but you can wade through it and make applications to any that look hopeful.

Or maybe it’d be worth doing a couple of hours a week of private tuition for a child who needs help to catch up in your subject?
These measures might help you get in extra funds, or alternative evaluate how worthwhile the exercise is.
I wish you luck, and I hope your daughter will do well and find her niche wherever she goes.

Firstly congractulations, but sorry if there is only 150 applicants and they take 60 it means its not so selective school. My daughter had a offer from few independent schools this year. There were more than 420 applicants and they took only 38. It will be helpful if you give school name because I must say not all independent schools are worth to pay.
If its not going to effect your and your familys lifestyle, holidays, after school clubs, private tutors etc.. I would send her because as you said scholarship and bursary pays the almost all the fees. But prepare yourself you little ones may want to go to independent school even they dont get any scholarship and bursary when they do their 11 plus exams.
its tricky... good luck and wish you all the best.

I’m a single parent.

All I can think of are the logistics of getting three children to school AND the OP to work at a school.

@Niahm

Really bright kids who get sent to state school are usually just left to rot while the teachers concentrate on the ‘slower’ students. 1,000% go for it! As you said, you’ve got years to figure things out financially before the younger two are secondary age.

Or actually, you are just quoting wild sweeping stereotypes?
Even OP (who actually teaches at the school and can therefore be assumed to know a bit more about it than you do) thinks her DD will do ok there.

I'd be concerned that the school only has 60 in a year group. This is very small for a secondary school. Can it offer a full range of GCSEs and other opportunities? Will your "eccentric" DD have a large enough friendship pool (assuming it's co-ed, that's only approximately 30 girls to choose from) to find a kindred spirit?

I wouldn't do it to be honest. It could end up being unfair on your other kids and if they have to go without things cause of their clever older Sister they, could really resent it.

Also, its about having to keep up a lifestyle. Her peers will probably be from families with more money who can afford to go on expensive holidays etc. She could easily feel singled out and inferior and could be bullied as a result.

If she's clever (it sounds as if she is), she will do well in state school and will find her tribe.

I wouldn’t send her private if it is going to be a squeeze financially. Fees increase every year and it is a massive commitment