To think smacking was 'acceptable' in the 90s?

[Grapeflavour]

My parents smacked me as a child, usually if I did something they deemed as 'very naughty' or sometimes if I just didn't stop doing something quite trivial, they would threaten me with smacking.

I just assumed this was normal (albeit bad) attitudes back then, but talking to a couple of friends around the same age (30s) recently, it seems like that's not the case? They seemed pretty horrified that my dad used to occasionally hit me well into my teens if I pissed him off. As a teen he would often square up to me and threaten to 'knock me out' if I challenged him or talked back. I was 16 the last time he hit me. (I know this behaviour is totally unacceptable, and bearing in mind he is a huge 6"2 man and I was a 5"5 teenage girl). I think this has had an impact on me and trying to work through it.

Would you say it was fairly typical and normalised for parents to smack kids as punishment in the 90s? Or not at all?

@HardbackWriter

Even now I suspect it goes on now than is generally acknowledged.

I think smacking is now like smoking - either no one you know does it (or at least admits to it) or almost everyone does.

I used to live somewhere that you'd very often see toddlers being smacked (and screamed at) in public - this was 5 years ago. Shockingly this did not seem to produce the perfectly behaved teenagers that apparently could be expected according to this thread...

From memory, the worst behaved teenagers back in my adolescence were most definitely getting bashed around a lot and had been for a long time.

I remember my father smacking me in the "acceptable" way as a child, and if I hadn't experienced it myself, I would never have imagined that such a young child could feel such passionate hate for anyone, let alone a caregiver.

I was well behaved at school, but at home I was not. Smashing a kid around does not endear you to them or make them want or care about your love or approval.

The ridiculous small mindedness of the hitters and their apologists, their inability to think and analyse even when plain evidence stares them in the face, their scurrying to defend the hitters rather than condemn the shit parenting and learn from it, is absolute proof of what kind of mindset approves of this.

I was aged 5-15 during the 90s, and smacking was a common part of life within my friendship circle. I quite often saw friends or cousins get a smack from their parents, all for pretty minor misdemeanors. It wasn't seen as a big deal.

I wouldn't say I got smacked regularly at home, but it was certainly common enough to not be unusual. Maybe every 3 months?

Speaking as a primary school teacher, who has worked in some really deprived areas, and some quite affluent ones, I would say most under-10s have been smacked by parents at some point. About 5 years ago, my then head teacher surveyed my class of 8-9 year olds about it. 16 kids, and only one of them had never had a smack.

In my fairly wide experience, it's still a common part of growing up, and something "most" children experience at some point. The Mumsnet bubble isn't a representative sample.

Yes smacking was commonly seen as acceptable in the 90s, it was becoming less acceptable but still the majority of parents were doing it. It was somewhere between 2000 and 2010 that smacking went from "best not do it" to "it's abuse".

It was very common when I was growing up in the 90s and no one batted at eyelid at a child being slapped or hit in public. It lead me to think my physical and emotional abuse was normal and when I grew up and saw normal healthy relationships between my friends and their parents I realised it wasn’t okay.

@SirSamVimesCityWatch

I was smacked as a primary aged child in the 80s, back of leg or bum with an open hand I think. More by my mum than my dad. But not squared up to and threatened with being knocked out. Those are very different things.

Ditto

Children, yes, teenagers, no.

@Shebacatofnewcastle

It was very common when I was growing up in the 90s and no one batted at eyelid at a child being slapped or hit in public. It lead me to think my physical and emotional abuse was normal and when I grew up and saw normal healthy relationships between my friends and their parents I realised it wasn’t okay.

Yeah I started having this realisation too when I was about 12/13, when I started going to sleepovers and really seeing my friends' much more relaxed, healthy and and loving family dynamics. None had perfect families, but none of them were abusive either.

@DrSbaitso

Tbh I get a bit sad when I see people like them denigrated and I wonder what future generations of parents will judge us for.

If it turns out to be something as damaging and stupid as hitting them, I'll take the criticism as well deserved and won't try to stop them from saying so. I'll just be glad that they know better so they don't fuck up their parenting too.

Did your mother ever slap anyone else in the face? Her boss? A parking warden? A tailgater?

Good grief no.

And your response does suggest to me that you won't take the criticism that well.

Good grief no.

Of course she didn't. It's only with children that people "just snap" or whatever, and it's considered acceptable.

And your response does suggest to me that you won't take the criticism that well.

I'm a product of smacking, love. What, you don't like it?

But fear not. Unlike those whose feelings on this are driven by a desire to justify parenting fails, I'm driven by a desire not to damage children. I'll live with your personal disapproval, but if I am told - hell, if it's been bloody proven- in years to come that my parenting did this kind of harm, I can assure you I'll be humble about it.

And it has nothing to do with telling you what you want to hear about hitting children.

I was smacked loads as a kid, mainly by my dad. Mum was a leg slapper, Dad would leave welts on me which would last for days. I have smacked my ds twice in his life, and he's 11. I hate smacking. Me and my dad were never close because I couldn't get over how he treated me when I was young.

Speaking as a primary school teacher, who has worked in some really deprived areas, and some quite affluent ones, I would say most under-10s have been smacked by parents at some point. About 5 years ago, my then head teacher surveyed my class of 8-9 year olds about it. 16 kids, and only one of them had never had a smack.

Interesting you say this. I was thinking I’d bet it’s way more common than parents care to admit, and I’m sure many more parents have smacked when they’ve completely lost control than would admit it. Most parents of the 80/90s I know will admit it wasn’t their finest parenting moment and it was when they’d lost control. At least they can admit it I suppose. I have a friend who admitted to smacking a couple of years ago, though I’ve never seen her do it. I was in a large park a few months ago and a grandfather (I assume) smacked his grandson in the middle of the park several times. No one said a word but there were certainly a few looks shot his way.

@DrSbaitso

Good grief no.

Of course she didn't. It's only with children that people "just snap" or whatever, and it's considered acceptable.

And your response does suggest to me that you won't take the criticism that well.

I'm a product of smacking, love. What, you don't like it?

But fear not. Unlike those whose feelings on this are driven by a desire to justify parenting fails, I'm driven by a desire not to damage children. I'll live with your personal disapproval, but if I am told - hell, if it's been bloody proven- in years to come that my parenting did this kind of harm, I can assure you I'll be humble about it.

And it has nothing to do with telling you what you want to hear about hitting children.

I hope so too, but I don't believe you. You are very aggressive in your replies, and you insinuate too. I believe you think your targets deserve this, but you should be mindful that people who smack children will justify their lack of empathy the same way.

I hope so too, but I don't believe you. You are very aggressive in your replies, and you insinuate too. I believe you think your targets deserve this, but you should be mindful that people who smack children will justify their lack of empathy the same way.

Disagreeing with someone on an online forum isn’t really comparable to hitting children in your care as a parenting method. Being passionate about your disagreement of adults who like to hurt children in their temper isn’t really indicative of an aggressive personality.

I hope so too, but I don't believe you.

Why would I care about that? Why would I imagine that you know my mind, and indeed my future, better than I do, oh internet smacking apologist?

You are very aggressive in your replies

I'm pissing myself at the fact that you see aggression in robust internet discussion more than you do in adults slapping kids across the face.

and you insinuate too.

Hey, you noticed.

I believe you think your targets deserve this

Ya think?

but you should be mindful that people who smack children will justify their lack of empathy the same way.

No, they justify it the way you did!

I know you think this is some amazingly devastating "you have become what you despise" put down that will utterly destroy me. But it's actually just as arse about face as your idea that an internet argument against smacking is somehow more deserving of condescension than bashing around a child. If anyone's failing to see what they're becoming...

You're angry because people are rightly criticising your parents' failings and mistakes. That's ego. I'm angry because people are minimising, justifying and downplaying a parenting technique, if you could call it that, that is known to damage children, stunt parents and frequently leads to escalations. In short, you're here to talk about yourself, and I'm here to talk about not harming kids. They are not comparable, and no pseudo-Yoda cobblers will change that.

@DrSbaitso

I hope so too, but I don't believe you.

Why would I care about that? Why would I imagine that you know my mind, and indeed my future, better than I do, oh internet smacking apologist?

You are very aggressive in your replies

I'm pissing myself at the fact that you see aggression in robust internet discussion more than you do in adults slapping kids across the face.

and you insinuate too.

Hey, you noticed.

I believe you think your targets deserve this

Ya think?

but you should be mindful that people who smack children will justify their lack of empathy the same way.

No, they justify it the way you did!

I know you think this is some amazingly devastating "you have become what you despise" put down that will utterly destroy me. But it's actually just as arse about face as your idea that an internet argument against smacking is somehow more deserving of condescension than bashing around a child. If anyone's failing to see what they're becoming...

You're angry because people are rightly criticising your parents' failings and mistakes. That's ego. I'm angry because people are minimising, justifying and downplaying a parenting technique, if you could call it that, that is known to damage children, stunt parents and frequently leads to escalations. In short, you're here to talk about yourself, and I'm here to talk about not harming kids. They are not comparable, and no pseudo-Yoda cobblers will change that.

Good grief.

Good grief.

Good, solid answer. You have convinced us all!

Definitely not acceptable in the '90's or any other time. It was frowned upon as far as I remember. As to if it happened not with anyone I knew thankfully.

I can count on one hand how many times I got smacked as a child, just by mum, in very extreme circumstance (once told my stepdad to fuck off and my mum gave me a right whack across the back of the legs). I’m definitely not in the ‘never did me any harm’ camp but I don’t think less of mum for this. Parenting is hard, she had 3 under 4 and honestly we weren’t the best behaved of children. She coped far better with her 3 kids than I do with my 2 (though I don’t smack them but I shout more than I want to )

@Nelliephant1

Definitely not acceptable in the '90's or any other time. It was frowned upon as far as I remember. As to if it happened not with anyone I knew thankfully.

Of course smacking was acceptable, until not that long ago!

Caning was still a form of punishment in the school in the late 80’s

Parenting is hard, she had 3 under 4

I really hate these excuses for crap parenting! Parenting is bloody hard so many people manage to do it without resorting to abuse. Having 3 under 4 is not the children’s fault.

Meant to add, I teach a class of 31 and a lot of them are very challenging. They are 7/8 so in the age range a lot of people have said they’d think smacking is acceptable. I manage to keep them all safe and on task without ever resorting to violence.

Lots of things are hard, but there seems to be only one time when it's acceptable and sympathetic to resort to hitting, and that's the one time when the victims can't defend themselves.

Smacking is always a failure of parenting. We might look at why that failure happened but it's not a reason to make out that it isn't a failure and doesn't require further thought.

Many families in the 79s and 80s refused to send their children to schools that had corporal punishment and caning. My father and father-in-law refused to allow their children to attend catholic schools because the nuns were known to be spiteful and the priests abusive.

Smacking a younger child across the legs etc was normal. Hitting a teenager was absolutely not normal and didn’t happen in any house I know of

@PurpleHollyhocks

Smacking a younger child across the legs etc was normal. Hitting a teenager was absolutely not normal and didn’t happen in any house I know of

Why not? Because they could hit back?