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Original poster

To think smacking was 'acceptable' in the 90s?

308 replies

Grapeflavour · 03/03/2022 21:34

My parents smacked me as a child, usually if I did something they deemed as 'very naughty' or sometimes if I just didn't stop doing something quite trivial, they would threaten me with smacking.

I just assumed this was normal (albeit bad) attitudes back then, but talking to a couple of friends around the same age (30s) recently, it seems like that's not the case? They seemed pretty horrified that my dad used to occasionally hit me well into my teens if I pissed him off. As a teen he would often square up to me and threaten to 'knock me out' if I challenged him or talked back. I was 16 the last time he hit me. (I know this behaviour is totally unacceptable, and bearing in mind he is a huge 6"2 man and I was a 5"5 teenage girl). I think this has had an impact on me and trying to work through it.

Would you say it was fairly typical and normalised for parents to smack kids as punishment in the 90s? Or not at all?

OP posts:
zlister · 04/03/2022 13:51

Same here! 16 she had a door open In her fa e. Threats continued but of course, they know not to try it again.

The thing I hate most is nobody takes this kind of abuse seriously. All you hear is ' your mum still loves you' (absolute bullshit nonsense, we've never been close), 'it's your mum', 'she's nice', or that you're deserving (also bullshit, they'll pick on anyone weaker. Doesn't matter how well you behave, they'll get pissed over something).

I was born 2000.

MoniJitchell · 04/03/2022 13:52

I was a child of the 90's (born in 88) and smacking and threats of "a leathering" were a common part of my childhood. Most people I know my age also got a smack as a child.

I know it was normalish then, but I really resent my parents and have few happy memories of my childhood.

TurquoiseDress · 04/03/2022 13:55

And to answer the question partly, me & my siblings were smacked by our parents

I remember being told off & smacked & being told how naughty I was

No actual conversation about what I'd done being wrong or whatever

My mum last hit me when I was around 14 or 15- full smack across the face. She speaks with an accent, English is not her first language and I think I was not being understanding of what she was trying to say. Also I'm sure there was tension as I wanted to go out and meet friend which included boys shock horror

My dad last hit me when I was around 21 and had already left university- hit me across the lower legs because he was angry I wanted to go & work abroad instead of getting a sensible job in London

Also probably because I wasn't really listening to what he was saying/giving him the answers he wanted, giving him "smart" answers as he put it

...yep I'm not close to either of my parents today. Just superficial contact/for them to see my DC

There be been occasions when they have smacked DC on the bottom- for entirely minor misdemeanours eg not putting shoes on quickly enough because they're running out too much instead

All in front of me, I've asked why they don't just use to words with DC. They told me that's my problem, I'm too soft with my DC. Hmm thanks

FalloutShelter · 04/03/2022 14:07

My dad used to absolutely wallop us for the smallest things. He punched me in the face before I was two and damaged my baby teeth because I was trying to climb on his lap when he was watching a cowboy film. I don't remember, I saw it when I was a teen in a social services file. He thought an appropriate response to my 6yo sister leaving her muddy shoes in the hallway was to storm into the bathroom when she was in the bath, grab her head and bang it hard on the bottom of the bath, forcing her underwater to do so. He also used to do this psychological torture technique when we were teens, where he would drag us all into a room and tell us he knew something and we weren't leaving until he had a confession. 9/10 times he knew absolutely nothing. He could keep this going for days.

I remember my friends being shocked when I absolutely went into blind panic when I realised the clocks had gone forward and I was 20 minutes late home from playing out. I was so scared I was almost sick. They kept saying "It's an easy mistake to make" and "we'll tell him what happened, nobody's dad would go mental for that."

alloalloallo · 04/03/2022 14:07

I was born in 1976 and my parents have always been anti-smacking. Neither me or my brother, who was born in 1981, were ever smacked.

My grandmother was pretty cruel to my Mum growing up so she was adamant she would never smack her own children and my Dad was in agreement. Smacking was certainly commonplace, even when my brother was born.

DH was hit and smacked a lot, locked out of the house from about 3 years old, etc and MiL was very vocally against us not smacking when our first child was born in 2001 - hence why she wasn’t allowed to look after our children alone as DH never trusted her not to smack them.

BusySittingDown · 04/03/2022 14:15

I was born in the 80s and definitely late 80s/early 90s I was regularly threatened with a "good hiding". My backside was red numerous times! I also witnessed a fair few of my friends being smacked by the parents.

My sister gave birth to my nephew in 1999 and she would never have smacked him though. The thought was absolutely shocking to her.

blubberball · 04/03/2022 14:23

I was born in 1985, and it was seen as normal when I was growing up in Kent. My bf is a couple of years younger than me, and he was never smacked as a child. He's from the Midlands. Not sure if attitudes were different in different places.

Original poster
Grapeflavour · 04/03/2022 14:28

@oopsichangeditagain That's the concern I have. I'm not 100% sure I'd trust my parents to take care of my kids.

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 04/03/2022 14:29

@TurquoiseDress

And to answer the question partly, me & my siblings were smacked by our parents

I remember being told off & smacked & being told how naughty I was

No actual conversation about what I'd done being wrong or whatever

My mum last hit me when I was around 14 or 15- full smack across the face. She speaks with an accent, English is not her first language and I think I was not being understanding of what she was trying to say. Also I'm sure there was tension as I wanted to go out and meet friend which included boys shock horror

My dad last hit me when I was around 21 and had already left university- hit me across the lower legs because he was angry I wanted to go & work abroad instead of getting a sensible job in London

Also probably because I wasn't really listening to what he was saying/giving him the answers he wanted, giving him "smart" answers as he put it

...yep I'm not close to either of my parents today. Just superficial contact/for them to see my DC

There be been occasions when they have smacked DC on the bottom- for entirely minor misdemeanours eg not putting shoes on quickly enough because they're running out too much instead

All in front of me, I've asked why they don't just use to words with DC. They told me that's my problem, I'm too soft with my DC. Hmm thanks

If my parents or DH’s parents ever hit my DDs, they would never see them again. Ever. There would be opportunity for it to happen again.

DH used to be hit as a child and I told him it would not be acceptable with our children. He agreed completely.

Original poster
Grapeflavour · 04/03/2022 14:38

@FalloutShelter

My dad used to absolutely wallop us for the smallest things. He punched me in the face before I was two and damaged my baby teeth because I was trying to climb on his lap when he was watching a cowboy film. I don't remember, I saw it when I was a teen in a social services file. He thought an appropriate response to my 6yo sister leaving her muddy shoes in the hallway was to storm into the bathroom when she was in the bath, grab her head and bang it hard on the bottom of the bath, forcing her underwater to do so. He also used to do this psychological torture technique when we were teens, where he would drag us all into a room and tell us he knew something and we weren't leaving until he had a confession. 9/10 times he knew absolutely nothing. He could keep this going for days.

I remember my friends being shocked when I absolutely went into blind panic when I realised the clocks had gone forward and I was 20 minutes late home from playing out. I was so scared I was almost sick. They kept saying "It's an easy mistake to make" and "we'll tell him what happened, nobody's dad would go mental for that."

So sorry to hear this, that's sent a shiver down my spine. I remember always being really worried about being home on time too, and my friends parents used to brush it off and say it would be fine, which was really confusing, because it wasn't fine. I knew Id get a load of shit and my dad would be moody with me for days. It wasn't about how late I was home, or that they were worried, it was that I'd disobeyed their controlling rules and offered them an excuse to take their unhappiness out on me.
OP posts:
theruffles · 04/03/2022 14:45

I grew up in the 90s and in my house it was normal. I was smacked if I was doing something I shouldn't or I guess if I was just being irritating/squabbling with my brother. I understand now my dad had a short fuse and tolerance but there were times when I was a teenager I would outrun him up the stairs and lock myself in my bedroom if I knew a smack was coming. Speaking to friends who grew up at the same time I had always thought it was a product of its time and was accepted as normal.

That said, I don't agree with it and don't feel like it fixes the issue of misbehaviour. I don't, and never would, smack my own DC. I would never accept them being smacked by my parents and I don't believe they would smack them now. My parents seem to have more patience for their grandchildren than they did with me and my brother.

Original poster
Grapeflavour · 04/03/2022 14:48

I'm finding all the comments here really interesting, thank you. Really glad attitudes have so dramatically changed in the past 20-30 years.

OP posts:
ddl1 · 04/03/2022 15:22

@Kanaloa

I actually remember, that in those days. I don't ever remember seeing any small children who had melt downs, and tantrums all the time, and throwing things around the house, or kicking out at parents and other siblings etc.

I’m sure there was plenty of naughtiness amongst children in those days. Otherwise surely every parent or teacher would simply strike the child once and never again, if it was such a fantastic cure-all?

Small children have been tantrumming since the beginning of time. Classic children’s novels like A Little Princess etc feature young kids having tantrums treated as annoying but normal. Implying that children didn’t misbehave back in the ‘good old days’ because their sensible parents would immediately whack them is both untrue and daft.

Anyone else remember the Just William books, with the group of naughty boys and the spoilt little girl, who gets her own way by threatening to ' thcream and thcream until I'm thick' if she doesn't? That would have been before WW2. Personally, I remember this neighbour kid in the 70s, who came to our house and (1) asked for a glass of orange juice, was invited to use the carton in the fridge made herself one glass and then another, and then poured the rest of the carton down the sink; (2) went to the bathroom and squeezed out an entire tube of toothpaste onto a towel and threw the towel on the floor. She was 10 not 2, and had no known disabilities, though I suppose some problems were less recognized then. There was never an age of perfect children, though I sithat at a time when children spent more time playing outside, their bad behaviours were less 'in the face' of their parents.
ChocolateMassacre · 04/03/2022 15:29

@TurquoiseDress

And to answer the question partly, me & my siblings were smacked by our parents

I remember being told off & smacked & being told how naughty I was

No actual conversation about what I'd done being wrong or whatever

My mum last hit me when I was around 14 or 15- full smack across the face. She speaks with an accent, English is not her first language and I think I was not being understanding of what she was trying to say. Also I'm sure there was tension as I wanted to go out and meet friend which included boys shock horror

My dad last hit me when I was around 21 and had already left university- hit me across the lower legs because he was angry I wanted to go & work abroad instead of getting a sensible job in London

Also probably because I wasn't really listening to what he was saying/giving him the answers he wanted, giving him "smart" answers as he put it

...yep I'm not close to either of my parents today. Just superficial contact/for them to see my DC

There be been occasions when they have smacked DC on the bottom- for entirely minor misdemeanours eg not putting shoes on quickly enough because they're running out too much instead

All in front of me, I've asked why they don't just use to words with DC. They told me that's my problem, I'm too soft with my DC. Hmm thanks

Why do you let them see your DC?

What can your DC possibly get out of having a relationship with them that makes up for the threat of physical violence against him for the smallest misbehaviour?

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 04/03/2022 15:51

I was born in 1966 and my brother in 1970. We were both smacked by our parents and I was smacked by primary teachers.

I mostly remember being very, very angry about being smacked and attribute my aversion to being touched by anyone I don't know (and most people I do know) to this. I don't remember actually being hurt, just outraged.

My DS was born in 1991 and was never smacked by me. ExDH smacked him once (in frustration - he is actually a kind and gentle person) and I told him if there was a repeat we'd be gone within the hour, and I absolutely meant it. I don't think any of my friends smacked their children either - it was certainly not the norm in my circles.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 04/03/2022 15:53

Oh, and contrary to a previous poster's suggestion, my DS is polite, thoughtful and kind. Sparing the rod has not turned him into an entitled badly behaved monster. Hmm

Kanaloa · 04/03/2022 16:55

@HoppingPavlova

No. Plenty of people manage not to hit their children while moulding them into good, respectful people.

That’s likely a tad delusional. Parents are really blind and off base these days as to what a ‘good, respectful person’ is. Essentially for a few generations that bar has just been pushed lower and lower to enable the kids to fit the criteria. Now there’s actually limited bad behaviour, instead parents beam at it disguised as ‘high spirited, not afraid to speak their mind, knows their own mind and what they want’ among a plethora of other terms that now mean parents don’t have to deal with bad behaviour. That’s lazy parenting.

You’re simply wrong. The opposite to hitting children isn’t permissive parenting. Teaching children with patience is actually much much harder than just slapping them.
Kanaloa · 04/03/2022 16:56

And a good and respectful person simply isn’t built by making a child live in fear that they’ll be hit if they don’t do as they should. That doesn’t build an understanding of why one should be respectful.

DrSbaitso · 04/03/2022 17:08

Pissing myself at the idea that there was some sort of golden age when toddlers never tantrummed in public.

DoorWasAJar · 04/03/2022 17:08

@zlister

Same here! 16 she had a door open In her fa e. Threats continued but of course, they know not to try it again.

The thing I hate most is nobody takes this kind of abuse seriously. All you hear is ' your mum still loves you' (absolute bullshit nonsense, we've never been close), 'it's your mum', 'she's nice', or that you're deserving (also bullshit, they'll pick on anyone weaker. Doesn't matter how well you behave, they'll get pissed over something).

I was born 2000.

Check out Gabor Mate on familial trauma on YouTube, you might find his work interesting. Gaslighting seems to be the fuel that keeps society going as it is ☹️
Kanaloa · 04/03/2022 17:14

@DrSbaitso

I don’t think that poster has ever responded to my query about why classic children’s novels featured sympathetic views of tantrumming kids when according to her it only started in the 90s. Most odd.

I think the one in A Little Princess actually also features the school teacher threatening to smack the tantrumming child, which doesn’t stop her screaming. She stops when - shock horror gasp - someone listens to her and talks her out of it.

Moomieboo · 04/03/2022 17:21

I was born in 1976 and have never been smacked

DrSbaitso · 04/03/2022 17:22

I don’t think that poster has ever responded to my query about why classic children’s novels featured sympathetic views of tantrumming kids when according to her it only started in the 90s. Most odd.

What a mystery!

HoppingPavlova · 04/03/2022 20:30

DrSbaitso - And that's not what the "big feelings" method is for, but I don't expect a hitter to have any emotional intelligence.

I’ve never hit my kids so no idea about your name calling. Do I think my kids, along with all other kids would have been better off with this, yes, but I never hit my kids so watch your accusations. It’s extremely clear that, as a group, the generations where this didn’t occur are wanting every which way. So, yes, nothing to do with parenting, must be the foodConfused.

DrSbaitso · 04/03/2022 20:31

@HoppingPavlova

DrSbaitso - And that's not what the "big feelings" method is for, but I don't expect a hitter to have any emotional intelligence.

I’ve never hit my kids so no idea about your name calling. Do I think my kids, along with all other kids would have been better off with this, yes, but I never hit my kids so watch your accusations. It’s extremely clear that, as a group, the generations where this didn’t occur are wanting every which way. So, yes, nothing to do with parenting, must be the foodConfused.

I'm supposed to praise you for merely wishing you had hit your kids and encouraging hitting kids?

And you think the comment about having no emotional intelligence was off the mark?