Ditched from family holiday

[PetrasPurse]

For the last 12ish years (except for 2020), my parents have taken my siblings and I on an annual trip to a lovely villa in Italy. This started in our late teens and we are now all in our mid - late 20s.

We have the best time together, have made precious memories, and look forward to this every year. I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all, as we didn't have many holidays together when we were younger and now they are much more well off we are really making up for it. They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded. It feels like a precious family tradition.

My AIBU is this; this week the people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Why couldn't they have kept the dates and just chosen a different villa this time instead? It makes me feel like staying at this villa is more important than all of us being there as a family. I would have 100% paid my share if it was down to money or not being able to go, but wasn't given an option. I am gutted and don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop going over it in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.

YANBU! Of course it hurts that they didn't come back with more information, try again to find a way for you all to come, or at least discuss it with you privately before making their decision and announcement. Instead, it comes across as though they didn't try very hard to find a way for everyone to be able to come. If they seemed to have tried and been unable to find another solution, and if they seemed more concerned about how you'd feel to be left out, it wouldn't be as bad.

[quote PetrasPurse]@mcmooberry thank you, so many people keep asking why I have decided to prioritize another commitment - but it's not the case at all - the villa changed the dates and they have prioritized the villa over everyone being there.[/quote]
Well it’s both isn’t it? Because you are being so cagey I am assuming your parents felt like you could have changed your commitment if the family trip was so important to you.

My assumption is that the 'other commitment' is most likely being a BM or MoH at a friend's wedding or something similar. A 'social' commitment rather than a work or medical one. So theoretically you could go, but have decided to honour your commitment. And I agree, it is an important commitment, to you. But to your mum and the rest of your family it's not as important as the traditional family holiday at the lowest cost to your parents. They probably feel you made your choice and that they don't need to rearrange things simply because you've decided which is more important to you.

At this point, you just need to accept the situation as it is.

YANBU

It's hurtful and offensive.

It sounds like it may be too late to rearrange (they have changed the flights, that's expensive in itself).

But you could say how much you would love to be there and offer to look for good alternative villas if they would be willing to consider it.

It's a lot of work finding a big place for a family that doesn't cost the earth. (My wonderful in laws also do this every year, there are 14 of us now. It's hard work for them. I normally try and offer to contribute but they say no. But they do sometimes appreciate input on the actual work of finding somewhere to stay).

They might appreciate someone helping out rather than just leaving it all to them.

It's weird that they kicked you off without a discussion though. I think they didn't want to try and fix it but didn't want an argument so they just presented you with a done deal. They may feel it has got bigger and more expensive than they can really afford but that everyone expects it now so they have to cut corners where possible.

I would feel hurt too.

Sorry if this has been suggested already, but why don’t you say “I’d so love to go / be so sad to miss out, as a solution can I suggest I pay the difference in cost and for the flight changes so that we can all attend?”

That makes clear how much it means to you, ensures no one is inconvenienced financially by your unavailability on the revised date, and is pragmatic rather than sulky or huffy.

I'd have a fit - even if they're being generous, this is an awful way to have dealt with you. And your mum publicly noting she has cancelled your flight. Sounds a bit sort of passive aggressive to me. Does your mother take issue somehow with what your restrictive commitment is??

I'd be straight on the phone or round there, incredulous. And would speak to my siblings. This would have to be sorted somehow. I'm sorry, Op. YANBU at all. Xx

id be livid. they didnt even attempt to accommodate you. Sounds like the other dates were free for everyone but they put cost over the price of your presence.

For you it’s the holiday together.

Maybe they don’t to pay vast sums on something unknown?

Maybe for them the holiday is “the Villa” with the family that’s important? Especially as they pay for it all it’s good to know what you are getting. Maybe they don’t want to piss of the Villa owners by going somewhere else or maybe they don’t want the hassle of have to find somewhere

They know you’re an adult and can do your own holiday and that ( without knowing what you’re doing) the other thing is too important to miss for a holiday. That’s adult life.

Can you not make a bit of the holiday before or after your other plans?

OP why don't you book your own flights when you've done what you have to do and join your family

I thread but maybe I missed it; is it possible that regardless of which date they chose someone was going to have to miss the vacation? And on the date that you had to miss you were the only one that was going to miss it? So they close a date that it worked for the most people? I know you wanted to keep the original date, but how easy would it have been to find another villa that would accommodate that many people in such short notice?

@Pookymalooky

Was there actually another date that everyone could do??? Or was it a case of someone will have to miss out?

This is relevant.

I would be hurt too op and I definitely think that you need a discussion or this will eat away at you.

But I suspect that, for such kind and generous people to leave you out, there will be good reasons.

They have been offered three alternative dates. Maybe there was no unanimous choice and every date meant that one family couldn't attend. Maybe the other two dates were so expensive that they couldn't justify or afford it. Maybe they didn't bother looking at other villas because they've done so in the past and already know that this is the only affordable villa in the area that meets needs. Maybe they thought changing the dates of the flights was going to be easier/cheaper than changing the destination airport.

You were originally invited so obviously very much wanted. I expect your mum is disappointed that one of her children won't be there. I would bet anything that this is a financial decision only. I expect your mum is talking about this in a 'business as usual' way because she thinks the reasons are obvious and you can't possibly be upset with her when it is a situation not of her making.

YANBU and I cannot believe some of the replies here saying it’s understandable your parents wanted that villa. What about wanting YOU. As for the idea that everyone else voted to go ahead – that’s worse! What, so the whole family voted on excluding OP?

I think you have to call your mum and ask what on earth happened and how blindsided you are that they’ve prioritised the villa at the expense of the whole family being together, with no communication with you.

FWIW my parents take us on a family holiday each year, which has swelled from us going as little kids to now when we’re all in our 40s and have kids ourselves. The whole point is to have us all together and while there have been years each of us has chosen not to go – giving birth or prioritising something else – there’s never been anything like this. There’s not the same commitment to a single location, of course, but I just cannot see them doing this. I’m so sorry.

They have just done something that is convenient to them., so you just have to put up with that, no use thinking they have left you out on purpose.

It’s hard to comment without knowing what your fixed commitment is OP. On one hand I’d be upset to be left out but I also know how hard it is to arrange a group holiday. It may have been too stressful for your DM to have to consider a new villa and worry the trip may not be a success. With post covid prices the costs may have been excessive. Possibly she just went with the date the majority could make. Possibly she looked at all your commitments and felt yours was the one that could be moved if you’d wanted to go (if for example yours was a theatre trip and another person had a work shift on the other date that they 100 % couldn’t move).I’d speak to her to clear the air. If nothing else you will understand her motivations and get your voice heard.

She asked what dates I was not available, I gave her one out of three options, she asked no follow up questions or asked me to move it, or say it was pretty.

Do you know if the other two dates were suitable for everyone else? Also, have you searched for other villas suitable in size/area/facilities for the original dates or are you just assuming that your parents haven't looked?

I can understand why your parents want this specific villa as opposed to taking a chance with a place that doesn't turn out to be as nice. However, putting myself in your position, I would have found it much easier to accept if they had phoned you first to explain that they were choosing a new date but that they were sorry it didn't work out for me.

"For you it’s the holiday together.

Maybe they don’t to pay vast sums on something unknown?

Maybe for them the holiday is “the Villa” with the family that’s important? Especially as they pay for it all it’s good to know what you are getting. Maybe they don’t want to piss of the Villa owners by going somewhere else or maybe they don’t want the hassle of have to find somewhere."

@lightisnotwhite

All of this. I'm sorry you're missing out though.

@Chloemol

I would have to say something. I would simply text her and say how sad you are they booked the one date you said you couldn’t go, when other options where available, including finding another villa for the original dates , or you paying towards increased costs, and whilst it’s very good of them to pay, the fact she is prepared to leave you at home makes you feel like shit and unwelcome in your own family and defensively bottom of the pile

I think it’s very important to make feelings known, otherwise they just fester and it gets worse.

Especially as, in this case there were other options, including you paying towards it

This

I think it is a really shitty thing to do. Saving money was more important then you being there

It really sucks you have been left out when alternatives such as new villa could have considered. I'm guessing you are on holiday the other date. Maybe they think you won't mind because you are away yourself? You could say something but that will cause bad feeling. Have you spoken to siblings about it?

Op, it sounds like you are avoiding mentioning what the commitment is as we are 9 pages into this thread already. I think they just went ahead and booked what's best for the most people. I'm pretty sure any family would work round big commitments like say having surgery etc but sounds more like yours is actually something smaller that they thought wasn't worth cancelling everyone's plans for.

I can understand why you are upset. However perhaps you need to look at it differently. This is somewhere you went as teenagers and loved. Presumably your parents loved it so much that they carried on going there for holidays even though their children are now adults, and invited you all to join them. And paid for you all.

As adults it's reasonable to expect that eventually someone will have other plans which mean that they can't come along one year. It doesn't mean you're not welcome. You need to start seeing it as your parents holiday in a place they love, which they're very happy to invite their adult children to join them on.

There was always going to be a point when the dynamic would change. Why don't you do whatever it is you need to do and then book some flights and join them for part of the holiday. If you can't make the full time they are there you could always spend another few days exploring somewhere else.

Do you know how other people responded about availability?
If on every possible date there was someone who couldn't make it, I can understand it might seem logical to pick the cheapest as a way of deciding. But if that happened I would have thought the communication could have been better.

Of be really upset too.
Was there a date when everyone could attend?
If so then why on earth didn't they choose that date?
I think the op possibly works in a school in which case she absolutely cannot go in term time.
Whatever her commitment is her parents knew and she has been disregarded and that is upsetting.
However, as time moves on I think this holiday may fizzle out as each family's commitments grow.