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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ditched from family holiday

483 replies

PetrasPurse · 03/03/2022 21:26

For the last 12ish years (except for 2020), my parents have taken my siblings and I on an annual trip to a lovely villa in Italy. This started in our late teens and we are now all in our mid - late 20s.

We have the best time together, have made precious memories, and look forward to this every year. I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all, as we didn't have many holidays together when we were younger and now they are much more well off we are really making up for it. They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded. It feels like a precious family tradition.

My AIBU is this; this week the people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Why couldn't they have kept the dates and just chosen a different villa this time instead? It makes me feel like staying at this villa is more important than all of us being there as a family. I would have 100% paid my share if it was down to money or not being able to go, but wasn't given an option. I am gutted and don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop going over it in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 03/03/2022 23:56

@UmbilicusProfundus

Oh wow, sorry, YANBU. I would be very direct about your disappointment on the family WhatsApp or equivalent. I imagine (hope) your siblings will be shocked and supportive.
For heavens sake DON’T have the conversation by WhatsApp.

I can understand that you are upset, but you shouldn’t be very upset or being entitled , which right now you are. this villa seems to be a tradition your parents want to hold to. At some point someone wasn’t going to make it, and you won’t be the last one in this situation.

Ring up your parents. Do not sound ungrateful - remember they do not have to pay for your holiday. Just ask them if they’d consider a different villa if you could find one at the right price (it’s your job to find a replacement, not theirs). If they don’t want to do that, they don’t. There will be next year. You are an adult now, so act like one.

Doodar · 03/03/2022 23:57

I think your parents may not see the importance of your commitment, that's why they wouldn't compromise. Can you fly out for part of the holiday?

Clymene · 03/03/2022 23:58

It's really hard to find a big villa that works for a massive group and has all the amenities, room configuration you need etc So I can understand why they want to stick with 'their' villa.

That said, I'm also guessing that your siblings have children and you don't. Grandparents often start prioritising their grandchildren I've found. And I think they assume that the holidays are less important to the childless children when I think that's very much not the case.

I'm sorry, I can see why you're hurt.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 03/03/2022 23:59

Perhaps the other family members couldn't make the dates that you could OP. Or maybe your DM thinks you could have changed your 'commitment' and since you prioritised it then you're not that fussed about the holiday.

CakeAmbushAlert · 03/03/2022 23:59

YANBU to feel gutted you can't join the holiday this time
YABU to be 'furious'

@PetrasPurse have you got an early waking DC? Maybe the other's fancy a lay in? Or do you have a new or annoying partner?

Your parents are not going to fund your whole families hols forever so this is the start of the change. Look on the bright side, it gives you the opportunity to do something different with your annual leave and experience somewhere new. Maybe your partner will be glad to have a summer holiday without your whole family.

Pookymalooky · 04/03/2022 00:01

Was there actually another date that everyone could do??? Or was it a case of someone will have to miss out?

Flatandhappy · 04/03/2022 00:19

Maybe they did try and find alternative accommodation but couldn’t find anything suitable so they had to make a tough decision. I do understand why you feel hurt but as a parent who organises similar for my family it can be a bit of a nightmare accommodating everyone. I would never deliberately leave anyone out if there was any alternative, partly because quite selfishly I think it is more fun with everyone there, and would definitely have a conversation about it. I would let your parents know quietly that you are hurt but please try not to guilt trip them about it.

Midlifemusings · 04/03/2022 00:22

I am not sure of the size of your family but it sounds like there are multiple siblings and grandkids. As unfair as it is, siblings with kids often seem to take priority in the scheduling because there are a lot of them and more to take into account. It sounds like since this worked for everyone else, they went with it. They are paying for it and all the details worked for everyone but one person - which can be hard to make happen on short notice.

It is odd that your mother didn't get in touch with you to talk it through.

notanothertakeaway · 04/03/2022 00:23

These threads make me realise how calm and pragmatic my family are

My approach would be "So sorry to miss out this year, will see you all another time and look forward to seeing you on next year's holiday"

Pallisers · 04/03/2022 00:44

@notanothertakeaway

These threads make me realise how calm and pragmatic my family are

My approach would be "So sorry to miss out this year, will see you all another time and look forward to seeing you on next year's holiday"

Has that happened to you? Did your family exclude you from a party or a holiday or an event and you said "so sorry to miss out see you next year"

I suspect your calm and pragmatic family have never excluded you so you have no idea how you would you react or feel when that happens.

Holskey · 04/03/2022 00:44

it's like deciding my commitment is silly or being awkward helps people to justify in their head that I must be wrong somehow. Maybe that proves that the way they went about this was really odd

You're sort of right, but you're looking at it wrong. Most people who've asked about your commitment aren't, as a pp said, looking for a stick to beat you with. Like you say, your parents behaviour is odd and people are looking for reasons to explain it. A prior commitment that your parents view as trivial would have changed everything.

HoppingPavlova · 04/03/2022 00:46

YABVU as you are not paying. It’s all well and good to say you will pay the inflated price for dates that suit you for your family, but that expects your parents to pay the inflated price for themselves and everyone else. That’s unreasonable of you and extremely self-centred. Ad is expecting people to go when suits you with the trade off of likely considerably more downmarket accomodation.

You only get to claim it as Unreasonable if you are prepared to pay the inflated price for everyone else also for the dates you can go for the same or exactly equivalent accomodation (in both quality and location).

marble1 · 04/03/2022 00:48

@notanothertakeaway

These threads make me realise how calm and pragmatic my family are

My approach would be "So sorry to miss out this year, will see you all another time and look forward to seeing you on next year's holiday"

Same here. Also, whatever your commitment is, it must be a long one if you cannot possibly even fly out a couple of days late and stay the rest of the week? Your parents have gone about it badly , but as I already said , someone was going to miss out sometime. Next year it may be someone else. And yes, if I was forking out thousands and thousands for a holiday for my family every year - I would not be going and researching alternatives when I was perfectly happy with what I had. Once, one of my adult kids couldn't make an early xmas. He was a bit disappointed, as was I, but and we moved on. It happens. I'm stunned it hasn't happened already with your large family.
BlueSummerBaby · 04/03/2022 00:49

I think it's awful and I'd feel the same as you. I wouldn't want to go with them in future, I wouldn't want the worry of it potentially happening again.

HoppingPavlova · 04/03/2022 00:49

I didn't expect them to pay the inflated price, I wanted them to look at alternatives within budget for the same dates.

But that will likely be lesser accomodation in a lesser location I would think for the same money? You may be happy with that but can’t imagine everyone else would! Imagine, they would all sit there for the vacation looking at a place they don’t like as much and looking at you with resentment, isn’t going to make a great holiday for anyone.

DontBeMean · 04/03/2022 01:02

I think it's a really shitty thing to have done. At the very least they should have discussed it with the OP. Saying nothing and just booking it is really cruel. I can't imagine why no one has said anything.
I'd definitely bring it up with everyone.

I wonder if it's possible that there has been a misunderstanding.

Some of the posts on this thread are very harsh towards the OP. She mentioned very clearly in her OP that she was very grateful and appreciative of the holidays.

Pluvia · 04/03/2022 01:06

I think the fact that the OP has steadfastly refused to give an indication of her prior commitment indicates that it's likely to be something that a reasonable outsider might expect her to change if this holiday was so important. If it was something like surgery or a court case or a career-dependent exam I think we'd all be sympathetic. But the constant fudging of the issue suggests that she doesn't want to say because we might not agree that it's immovable.

A previous poster commented on how much this thread has made her appreciate her pragmatic and low key family and I feel the same way.

OP, your parents love this particular villa and want to return to it. They pay for you all to go, which sounds like a considerable commitment. Why should they all have to find somewhere else and break the spell of all these years returning to a favourite place to accommodate your choice?

expat101 · 04/03/2022 01:09

Did you offer to help your Mum find alternative accommodation or just left it up to her and Dad?

I suspect it's a big deal for them to coordinate everyone so their planets all align at the same time, but perhaps they could have done with your help in this regard?

If you didn't offer any suggestions, but sat back and waited for Mum to sort it out, I think you need to suck it up.

Moving forward it's quite likely it's going to happen again but to another family member. This is the stage in life you are all at.

PlacidPenelope · 04/03/2022 01:18

I'm struggling to think of ANYTHING that can't be changed. Even funerals and weddings can be moved!

Oh do stop being silly, you think you can randomly just move a wedding or funeral, or ask the people whose wedding it is or who are organising the funeral to do so?

How about if the OP's commitment is an operation or medical procedure she has been waiting for? You think she could just move that too?

Whatever the OP's commitment is the OP has been clear that it cannot be moved, it is a prior commitment that her mother was aware of and does not consider petty. It's none of our business what it is.

Friendlyfired · 04/03/2022 01:36

Something similar happened to me years ago op. My sister wanted to book a siblings holiday, my extended family had been on a few holidays previously and we couldn't come due to a medical issue. This particular year was the first year we could... Dates started being discussed and I said I couldn't do a particular time as we were starting child with childminder and would be settling in period.

So it came down to this week, or another week in the summer that we could do . My sister who was organising it refused to go the week that suited us as she would miss a team training session (not a match) and told us all to go without her so. Stupidly I said do it what ye want ..so they did. All went the week that I couldn't.. I cried so much that day, she chose a training session over me. Still hurts now.

Thing is she always organises the holidays for times she knows k can't go so I end up being left out every year.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and anyone who tells u that you are being unreasonable is wrong x

GrumpyPanda · 04/03/2022 01:36

@Sisisimone

It sounds like they had to rearrange for everyone, including rescheduling flights, at quite short notice. I can understand why they would just go ahead and re-book if only 1 person couldn't make the new date as it sounds a bit of a logistical nightmare

Is there no way you could just book your own flights and join them for at least part of the holiday or is you prior commitment for the whole length of the holiday?

Sadly I expect you've hit the nail on the head with the "only one oerson" comment. OP is dispensible because she's single and child-free. What a shifty way for parents to behave, and I would definitely raise it or else risk to see it becoming a pattern.
Hathertonhariden · 04/03/2022 01:45

I think the way they went about changing it and valuing the venue more than you is very hurtful. Are future family gatherings likely to have lots of references to the holiday you missed or will everyone feel they can't talk about it if you're around? That could lead to ongoing hurt.

You need to tell them how hurt you are. Their response will make clarify the situation and how you will move forward from this.

HereIfYouNeedMe · 04/03/2022 02:04

I'd be really pissed off that after 12 years of giving business to the villa owner, for such a large group, they decide to cancel the booking after flights have been booked and don't even have the decency to offer the rebooking at the same price!!

LadyPropane · 04/03/2022 02:12

@HereIfYouNeedMe

I'd be really pissed off that after 12 years of giving business to the villa owner, for such a large group, they decide to cancel the booking after flights have been booked and don't even have the decency to offer the rebooking at the same price!!
I agree with this.

Perhaps it's a 3rd party doing the booing, rather than direct?

PrincessNutella · 04/03/2022 02:12

I am with your parents on this one, because you're an adult. It's a nice family tradition, but adults' lives are complicated. If they really enjoy the villa, it's their vacation that they look forward to, and it is their money. If you weren't willing/able to shift your time around, there's always next year.