Ditched from family holiday

[PetrasPurse]

For the last 12ish years (except for 2020), my parents have taken my siblings and I on an annual trip to a lovely villa in Italy. This started in our late teens and we are now all in our mid - late 20s.

We have the best time together, have made precious memories, and look forward to this every year. I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all, as we didn't have many holidays together when we were younger and now they are much more well off we are really making up for it. They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded. It feels like a precious family tradition.

My AIBU is this; this week the people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Why couldn't they have kept the dates and just chosen a different villa this time instead? It makes me feel like staying at this villa is more important than all of us being there as a family. I would have 100% paid my share if it was down to money or not being able to go, but wasn't given an option. I am gutted and don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop going over it in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.

I would have changed my plans to make the date everyone else could do if the holiday is that important to you, but I can’t see my family doing this they would just find a date that suited everyone, so I can see why you’re upset. Just talk to them tell them how you feel, don’t be dramatic like you’re being on this thread just have a calm conversation.

I can understand why you are devastated no ifs or buts. It must have come as a real shock to you especially as I imagine your siblings will find it strange to.I can't agree with the poster that said you can look forward to next year as you will probably never want to hold again.for you

I think to your parents it’s not “we all go on holiday together.”

I think it’s “our week at Villa xxx.”

My parents were the same - had a place they went every year. Some years we all went, some years one of the siblings had commitments so the rest went without them.

If after 12 years this is the first time with a diary clash you’ve had a good innings. You haven’t mentioned whether the other 2 dates worked for the rest of the family - if there was a clash, I guess they went with the majority or what was affordable.

YANBU to be hurt, YABU to be furious.

I think YANBU to be upset. It doesn't sound as if there was any malice on your parents' part, but they could have handled it better. Your mum could have spoken to you privately before confirming the arrangement. Also am wondering if your parents could have tried to negotiate a better price for the villa, given that THEY had changed the dates. (Perhaps the inflated prices were for flights though - ?)
I think your question - why not keep the original dates and find alternative accommodation? - is perfectly valid, and is one to ask your mum.

You need to tell them how you feel. Tell them you feel excluded. They've created a lovely tradition lasted a long time, made an effort to accommodate partners and kids and now just dropped you as it was inconvenient with no discussion. It is not just a free holiday. It is a gesture that shows you are not important.

You have a free holiday. If you can't go when the payers can then you really don't have a right to be upset about it. Change your plans or don't go.

@expat101

Did you offer to help your Mum find alternative accommodation or just left it up to her and Dad?

I suspect it's a big deal for them to coordinate everyone so their planets all align at the same time, but perhaps they could have done with your help in this regard?

If you didn't offer any suggestions, but sat back and waited for Mum to sort it out, I think you need to suck it up.

Moving forward it's quite likely it's going to happen again but to another family member. This is the stage in life you are all at.

I would agree with this. I'm not sure what other commitments/pressures your parents have on her time and attention, but she has been through the sane pandemic as you, and maybe she doesn't have the bandwidth to be trying to look at alternative villas in the price range that suit everyone. She just wants to go somewhere she likes, with as many of her family who are available, and to relax.

She didn't ask, but it doesn't sound like you offered. I can totally understand the hurt, but it does seem like you have fallen back into teenager mode and just expected your Mum to run round sorting everything out.

If it’s a lot of money then I can understand why she did it. Yes it’s upsetting for you OP but I’m sure over the years things like this will happen. You have a right to be upset, but furious because your usual free holiday isn’t happening this year as the people saying don’t want to pay potentially thousands more (and likely it is) then no you’re being OTT and selfish.

@Gardeningcreature

Of be really upset too. Was there a date when everyone could attend? If so then why on earth didn't they choose that date? I think the op possibly works in a school in which case she absolutely cannot go in term time. Whatever her commitment is her parents knew and she has been disregarded and that is upsetting. However, as time moves on I think this holiday may fizzle out as each family's commitments grow.

Because it was a lot more expensive - and given they are paying for multiple family members to go I think that’s quite reasonable.

I’m sorry OP, that sucks. They haven’t handled it well but are probably fed up of organising it and now they’re getting older they’re perhaps less imaginative with this type of thing.

What really stands out to me though is the lack of communication between you and your parents. For them to just send a message saying date has been changed, without talking to you about it first, is proof that this is not a close relationship. If they had talked to you, then the conversation would have clarified everyone’s feelings including yours, and explored other options like eg you could have offered to pay the price difference to move it to a date you can do. But that conversation never took place - they didn’t call you, but also you didn’t call them. All I can suggest is that you work on talking to them more often and making the relationship closer and less transactional.

In your case OP, id go back to your mum and say "I'm really sad I can't make the holiday. Was there another date everyone could go? If so, could I cover the difference in price?"

You might find that whenever they put the holiday, someone couldn't go, so logically they went for the cheapest option with the most people. But ask. Make it clear youd like to go.

I do think it's rough that you have been excluded like this, and that there was no attempt by your parents to compromise further - just "what dates can you do" to "OK @PetrasPurse can't do X but we'll book it then anyway cos it's cheaper."

I would have expected a bit more effort on their part to include you, by, as you say, potentially looking at a different villa, for example.

Also, it's very shit of the villa to have done this to all of you - they should have offered you alternative dates at the same price, since they fucked up the booking. But that's by the by.

YANBU to be upset and some people on MN should just accept that your prior commitment is unmovable - but of course they don't because this is AIBU and if you don't spill your entire life history the vultures will have at you until you do, or until you abandon the thread.

I hope you do tell your parents that you are upset though because they should acknowledge that they have hurt your feelings through picking dates you can't do - it's really a bit shit of them.

Sorry OP

YABU - As PP said if you can't go when the payers go then it is what it is. They have the prerogative to choose where and when.

Besides, it's a big family holiday, getting bigger every year and not everyone will be able to make it everytime.

That's life. Don't take it personally its not worth the fallout.

I can understand feeling sad but when the original conversation of increased prices for date changes and peoples availability came about, did you or your siblings offer to pay the extra? Did you offer to look for another villa? You and your siblings should have been the ones to offer to look around for another villa in the budget, not your parents.

At which point maybe you could have offered to pay the difference?

It's rather sad that you're close enough to your family to go away every year as an adult, but not close enough to just have an honest discussion about how they have made you feel. If you speak to your parents you may feel better. It sounds like a logistical nightmare for them booking all the flights, sorting dates, the message from the villa people may have thrown them for a loop and they got flustered and just booked the date that worked for the majority. Perhaps they thought you'd be okay with it as they knew you couldn't move your other commitment but you won't get closure unless you speak with them.

Seems an odd thing to do but this is one of those threads where I wonder why you don’t just ask her instead of the internet.

@daretodenim

I get it OP.

My MIL organised a massive family party with all extended family present. Meant to be a kind of reunion thing. She sent a few dates to her three kids to check they and their families could all come on one those options. There was one we couldn't because it wasn't during our school holidays (and distance would have meant a Fri and Mon off school - not possible
.). All dates were fine for everyone apart from that one for us. And she chose that one. DH was gutted. Literally couldn't get his head around her choosing the one he and his kids couldn't attend.

We said nothing, other than explain to people who asked that we couldn't come. It was awful. She's never done anything like that since, not had she before (with any of her kids). But to be honest it's altered a trust in the relationship. DH won't do anything to make her uncomfortable, but now any time there's a plan made "for family" he's not sure whether she will actually mind if he's missing.

The reason, there was a cheaper price for the location rental (not massive..) that weekend plus she'd got herself into a tizz with the organisation.

Sounds like it might be similar reasons.

But you could have gone, and the children missed school. With big gatherings you can never please everyone.

Talk to them!

And everyone could have offered to contribute.

Yabu sorry. Whoever is paying calls the shots. You’ve had 12 years of free holidays you should be jolly grateful. Organising large group trips is tough often one family can’t come that’s life. You could change your other commitment if you were that bothered.

@Tothemoonandbackx

Sorry that you feel let down, but.....it's all well and good to say you'd pay for your share of the difference in cost, but how many people are your mum and dad paying for??? You said prices were inflated ALOT, alot for one person to pay for is obviously going to be to much, so why would you expect them to pay alot for every other person in the extended family to go to??? I suppose if you're willing to pay the extra cost for everyone, then they could change the dates and you could go, but is it something you can afford to do???

Well there’s some truth in this, but what’s ignored is the way it’s been done. If op’s mother has baked with “ I’m really sorry, we’re going to have to go ahead with the week you can’t do” . But to just do it and not even acknowledge the fact she’s been left out is tough.

@stuntbubbles

YANBU and I cannot believe some of the replies here saying it’s understandable your parents wanted that villa. What about wanting YOU. As for the idea that everyone else voted to go ahead – that’s worse! What, so the whole family voted on excluding OP?

I think you have to call your mum and ask what on earth happened and how blindsided you are that they’ve prioritised the villa at the expense of the whole family being together, with no communication with you.

FWIW my parents take us on a family holiday each year, which has swelled from us going as little kids to now when we’re all in our 40s and have kids ourselves. The whole point is to have us all together and while there have been years each of us has chosen not to go – giving birth or prioritising something else – there’s never been anything like this. There’s not the same commitment to a single location, of course, but I just cannot see them doing this. I’m so sorry.

But very clearly the Villa IS the important bit to her parents.

This is flights to Italy and a Villa that has shot up in price even the week they have chosen. Her parents are clearly loaded if they can afford to pay for this for themselves, at least 3 children, partners and kids. Finding a different place wouldn’t be difficult with their budget so that says that they value their holidays there.

So why does the parents tradition of wanting to go to the Villa every year, count for less than the Op’s? The “kids’ are adults now.Some years they’ll be able to all go and some not.

Surely if you're all as close a family as your OP suggests, your siblings and their families won't allow this and go without you.
Or will they?
True colours about to be shown.
People like a freebie.

I'd feel sad too, but, honestly- you're a grown up now. Talk to your mum about this!!
This. It feels really personal but I bet it's probably not. People often have strange ideas of how to resolve problems. Your idea of looking for a cheaper place might seem overwhelmingly difficult to your mum - maybe you could suggest that you search for something but that you keep the original dates. There are loads of accommodation options in Italy so it shouldn't be too hard - or you could all chip in the difference.

I think you should attend your commitment and then fly out and join them. But yes I would be really upset and would Talk to them about why