Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ditched from family holiday

483 replies

PetrasPurse · 03/03/2022 21:26

For the last 12ish years (except for 2020), my parents have taken my siblings and I on an annual trip to a lovely villa in Italy. This started in our late teens and we are now all in our mid - late 20s.

We have the best time together, have made precious memories, and look forward to this every year. I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all, as we didn't have many holidays together when we were younger and now they are much more well off we are really making up for it. They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded. It feels like a precious family tradition.

My AIBU is this; this week the people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Why couldn't they have kept the dates and just chosen a different villa this time instead? It makes me feel like staying at this villa is more important than all of us being there as a family. I would have 100% paid my share if it was down to money or not being able to go, but wasn't given an option. I am gutted and don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop going over it in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Catsstillrock · 03/03/2022 23:22

OP i think you need to talk to your parents and tell them how you feel.

Tell them you’re really sad you’re missing out, and them moving to a decision that does this, and changing all the bookings so it’s done, without letting you know they thought that was the best option and talking it over with you before going ahead, feels awful.

It might not change anything this time but if you don’t say anything you’re going to continue to feel hurt and it’ll fester.

And it will come out later and they’ll say (rightly!) ‘well why didn’t you say so at the time?’

It also might happen again, if you leave them with the sense that it’s ok to close a decision that leaves a family member out.

Talk to them.

Original poster
PetrasPurse · 03/03/2022 23:23

@2018SoFarSoGreat

I'd be so upset, OP, so your feelings are valid.

I think your reluctance to say here what it is that is preventing you from going on the new week that is booked says something. You don't have to tell us, but the fact that you won't makes me think you are a bit embarrassed that it might seem a petty reason. Your parents may well have considered the reasons other gave as to why a particular date would not work, and judged that yours seem the easiest to change. Just guessing here, but that would make sense.

If I'm wrong, I apologize. I don't mean to add to your pain here. It sounds like a wonderful family time, and I'm sorry you will miss it.

@2018SoFarSoGreat I think people are fixating on my other commitment, which I was not asked to move by my mother before she cancelled my flight because she knows it's not a petty reason like a concert. I don't want to share it on here, else I will be outed, that information is private. I will say my mum has no issue with this and she knows I can't get out of it. She asked what dates I was not available, I gave her one out of three options, she asked no follow up questions or asked me to move it, or say it was pretty.

My AIBU was all about whether that exact villa was more important than having us all there when we were available on the initial dates, and the other date options that were later deemed too expensive (reasonably, I expect, with Covid prices).

The fixation on what I am doing with the date I cannot make is weird. If I had said my mum had asked me to move it and I had refused then it would be relevant. We did not discuss it. She accepted this, changed the date of the villa to that date making it the first time one of us can't make the trip, and then cancelled my flight.

I gave a lot of information up front about the situation and it's like deciding my commitment is silly or being awkward helps people to justify in their head that I must be wrong somehow. Maybe that proves that the way they went about this was really odd. Who knows.

Thanks for your discussion, opinions , and advice. I appreciate the time and thinking points, and that opinion is divided so I'll try work out a way to speak to them about it in a positive way, but I'll give it a few days first. I expect the forum will now descend to people insisting I tell them what my other plans were, but believe me they are not that exciting!

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 03/03/2022 23:23

If there are two siblings and an inheritance of £3.5m and one (the OP) gets £3m and the other £500K

That should have been the other way around....

Sswhinesthebest · 03/03/2022 23:24

Can you offer to patty the difference in price?

I’d be hurt too. Are there any siblings you are particularly close who can speak to your parents?

CoastalWave · 03/03/2022 23:26

I expect the forum will now descend to people insisting I tell them what my other plans were, but believe me they are not that exciting

So, just cancel them then and go on the holiday! Honestly.

ChoiceMummy · 03/03/2022 23:26

@WeDontTalkAboutBrunoNoNoNo

Why is the tradition of the villa more important than the tradition of a family members presence?
Is it the villa or the facilities it affords them and the standard?

Regardless, its the parents holiday that they pay for so it could be a cardboard box and still be acceptable.

ThanksItHasPockets · 03/03/2022 23:27

Is the commitment on a single day? Can you arrange your own flights to go out and join them for part of the holiday?

Sswhinesthebest · 03/03/2022 23:27

Surely time is of the essence if they are changing flight tickets?

dancingdaisies · 03/03/2022 23:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 03/03/2022 23:29

So, just cancel them then and go on the holiday! Honestly.

Just because the other plans aren't exciting, that doesn't mean they aren't crucially important. It would be a really lovely life for all of us if only the fun commitments were fixed and anything dull could just be cancelled!

BeaLola · 03/03/2022 23:29

Can I ask the family make up eg are there 3 siblings + you and Iof "parents" 4 children how many are taking partners and which ones have kids etc? Are you the oldest with children perhaps ?

Also if there are kids involved I assume not school age as that in itself would make it more exientice going in school holidays to accommodate them

How different were the dates offered to make such a difference?

I get t and it super lovely and generous of your folks however if my lovely Dad asked me (married with teenager) and my DB (single but long-standing girlfriend) what dates I could go for a holiday away and of 4 suggestions DB could do all and I could do 3 of them I would be quite hurt if he then booked the only date I couldn't manage.

I get your hurt - I would have to mention it , perhaps they were put on the spot and made a quick decision without thinking it through properly ?

User838960 · 03/03/2022 23:29

OP I think you have very right to be hurt. I would be very hurt by this too and cannot imagine how they couldn't see this would be hurtful if I'm honest?!

By the way I don't think you have come across at all ungrateful contrary to a couple comments on here.

I assume this is a week long holiday? Are your commitments just for a day or two? Could you still join for part of the holiday?

I really think there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling your parents how upset you feel to be misssing out. Sorry you're feeling this way x

saraclara · 03/03/2022 23:30

@Sswhinesthebest

Can you offer to patty the difference in price?

I’d be hurt too. Are there any siblings you are particularly close who can speak to your parents?

Since the parents, without any further discussion, have already cancelled OP's flights and rebooked the villa, I'd say that OP doesn't have the option to offer to pay the extra now.
spotcheck · 03/03/2022 23:31

I'd feel sad too, but, honestly- you're a grown up now. Talk to your mum about this!!

Ellie56 · 03/03/2022 23:35

@PetrasPurse

So sorry this has happened to you. That's really shitty of your parents to do that and especially presenting it as a done deal, without any consultation. They should have cancelled the holiday rather than leave one sibling out. I can't imagine my parents ever doing that. I'd feel hurt and betrayed too.

But as others have said, you do need to let your parents know how upset you are, otherwise this will just fester and ruin your relationship going forward. And It won't matter how many more lovely holidays your parents take you on, none of them will ever feel the same again. They will all be tainted by what's happened this year.

What do your siblings think?

Isaidnomorecrisps · 03/03/2022 23:37

I’d go nuts if my mum did that!

And cancel the flight? That’s ridiculous - yes okay it’s a nice villa but the holiday together is the point. Or at least it ought to be?

I’d tell my siblings first and have a good old moan then one of them would tell my dad and then it would get sorted (I’d hope because I think we all like each other enough to not give a sht if one year we can’t go to the 7 accommodation)

OttilieKnackered · 03/03/2022 23:39

I doubt your commitments are as outing as your parents taking you to an amazing villa every year for years and years. What type of commitment is it?

OttilieKnackered · 03/03/2022 23:45

Not in terms of your mum’s opinion or reaction but in terms of whether you can change plans and go it’s very relevant.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 03/03/2022 23:46

I think going ahead and cancelling the flight without even just confirming first: "I'm really sorry, it looks like there's no alternative but for me to cancel your flight - are you absolutely certain you can't make it, before I do?" is possibly even more concerning than choosing the (for OP) impossible dates in the first place.

Theblacksheepandme · 03/03/2022 23:47

I completely understand where your parents are coming from in not wanting to go to another villa. It is their choice as they pay for it. I do think they were wrong in not contacting you before any decisions were made. You need to let them know how hurt you feel.

trussedchicken · 03/03/2022 23:50

YANBU. In your shoes I would feel very upset. I would have to let them know (in a nice way) I was upset. The lack of communication/consultation about rearranging to the only date you can't do seems very strange. No option given for you to pay a share for a date you could do, just going straight to rearranging for the only date you can't do. I would be very hurt as well, like it didn't matter if I was there or not. I think you should let them know you feel this way though. Not in a confrontational way, just be tactfully honest. If not, it will just fester and affect your feelings towards them more than it possibly should.

LadyPropane · 03/03/2022 23:50

As much as I understand your disappointment, I think it's understandable that they've made this choice.

However I think they was they went about was quite mean. It wouldn't have been difficult to pick up the phone and talk to you first. I think part of the reason you're upset is because they just announced you weren't coming without even consulting you, and that's fair enough.

LadyPropane · 03/03/2022 23:51

*way they went about it

BikiniB0tt0m · 03/03/2022 23:52

If you feel they should be looking for a new place within budget, why don't you do it, it takes a lot of effort to organise such a big party with different accommodation and the logistics of the area and the right facilities. Why don't you look around and send suitable suggestions?

BikiniB0tt0m · 03/03/2022 23:54

I do think it's unfair they have just dropped by changing everyone's tickets without properly discussing it with you first to see how you feel