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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ditched from family holiday

483 replies

PetrasPurse · 03/03/2022 21:26

For the last 12ish years (except for 2020), my parents have taken my siblings and I on an annual trip to a lovely villa in Italy. This started in our late teens and we are now all in our mid - late 20s.

We have the best time together, have made precious memories, and look forward to this every year. I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all, as we didn't have many holidays together when we were younger and now they are much more well off we are really making up for it. They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded. It feels like a precious family tradition.

My AIBU is this; this week the people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Why couldn't they have kept the dates and just chosen a different villa this time instead? It makes me feel like staying at this villa is more important than all of us being there as a family. I would have 100% paid my share if it was down to money or not being able to go, but wasn't given an option. I am gutted and don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop going over it in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
DedalusBloom · 04/03/2022 10:06

I think what is abundantly clear here is that the OPs family aren't as close as she thought they were.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 04/03/2022 10:15

If the OP’s mum was aware of the ‘important fixed commitment’ (eg she’s a bridesmaid at her best friend’s wedding) it seems odd that she, the mum, offered up that date as a potential alternative.

notthatonethisone · 04/03/2022 10:20

@notacooldad

I agree with you OP that they should have kept the dates that everyone could do and book a different villa or location They shouldn't have to do anything. It's their holiday and it's a free invite to those that can make it. Unfortunately this year op. So sad, too bad I'd be really pissed if I was putting a free holiday out there and saying look I've only got a few options with dates because things have gone really expensive and its getting a dear do and one person cant make a date and strops over it because they are doing something else. If one of my kids came whining to me that it wasnt fair after they've had 12 years of free holidays and they cant make one I'd be reconsidering the whole deal to be honest and wondering why I bother.

It's the same when I book a cottage in the Cairngorms in December or January. I book the accommodation and if the " kids" and their girlfriends can make it great, if they cant, never mind.

To be honest it's more the lack of any communication that I think is the most upsetting.

Just cancelling the ops flight. Job done.

At the very least I'd expect a call - sorry op looks like this is the only week that works. Hope to see you next year.

That's why it feels so brutal.

It just gives the impression they don't give a shit whether she comes or not.

cantbecoping · 04/03/2022 10:22

Free holidays for 12 years for your whole family. You cannot or will not do the date that everyone else can make it to the villa you have always gone to paid for by your parents and you feel hard done by? They didn't do that to spite you, they did it because it is considerably cheaper and since the money is not coming out of your pocket, you have not got a leg to stand on. It's not your call. The majority rules.

AllOfUsAreDead · 04/03/2022 10:28

You could suggest that you'll pay the difference if they can change it to the date you can do?

I don't know why they've continued paying for this all themselves when all of their kids are now adults in paying jobs. You all should have been paying for your share, and will have to once your kids start growing up and need space themselves.

Just suggest that starts now, everyone pays a share. It's only fair.

LillianGish · 04/03/2022 10:31

@PetrasPurse it is all about the villa! Otherwise when the villa cancelled instead of changing the flights they would have looked for somewhere else. That’s what I would have done, but then I’m someone who doesn’t like to go to the same place twice. Going back year after year smacks of pretending it’s your own villa (and why not?- much cheaper than actually having your own villa that you only use for a few weeks of the year) - so the holiday in the villa is the thing they don’t want to miss out on. I’d just take it on the chin and console myself with the fact that there will be other years. That said, I’m surprised your mum didn’t discuss it with you first and couch it in those terms. You can choose whether or not to make a big deal of it - personally I’d just demand they keep me posted with lots of pix on WhatsAp so you can be with them in spirit even if you are not actually there.

notacooldad · 04/03/2022 10:36

To be honest it's more the lack of any communication that I think is the most upsetting

Just cancelling the ops flight. Job done.

At the very least I'd expect a call - sorry op looks like this is the only week that works. Hope to see you next year

That's why it feels so brutal.

It just gives the impression they don't give a shit whether she comes or not

Actually we don’t know how all the phone call went. The op has said mum called to let them know a date had been changed and it was the cheapest option. She hasn’t said anything about how long the conversation lasted, the tone of mums voice, how things were worded etc. The op has posted from her perspective which is heightened as she was furious when she posted. She is not going to make anything about the call to put her mum in a good light.

Op has said she couldn’t go on a certain date, unfortunately for her it was the cheapest option. Nothing can change that.
Even if op paid for herself for a different date the parents are not only paying however much the original holiday was plus the extra increase for all the remaining people invited, which added up is owing to be a serious amount of money I would have thought.

Instead of being s grateful as she claims about the previous 12 holidays she is sour because she can’t make one.

As I’ve asked before what does OP do to create ‘precious memories’ with the rest of the family during the rest of the year if time together is so important, or is it just the freebie in a nice villa in Italy where family time can be enjoyed.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/03/2022 10:46

Yes, and like you say the family is expanding and they pay for the grandchildren too who are little - soon they will need their own rooms and we will outgrow the villa and what will happen then?

Out of interest OP, have you ever organised a foreign holiday for this many people and their conflicting calendars whilst dealing with a provider who rather late on swaps dates on you?

Assuming you are going this calendar year, prices have rocketed and availability is tight.

stuntbubbles · 04/03/2022 10:54

I think what’s hurtful is that they were all asked what dates they can do, which is usually for the purpose of making sure no one is excluded. But OP’s commitment has been ignored in favour of the villa: changing the people going on the holiday rather than changing the holiday (to another villa). It’s so, so weird to me, because we do a similar holiday and the whole entire point of it is to gather the family. And I think OP thought that was the point of this holiday. Now she’s learning the point was the villa, and she was just a “nice to have” added extra, no harm no foul if the holiday doesn’t include her. It’s just bizarre.

ThanksItHasPockets · 04/03/2022 10:56

@PetrasPurse if you’re concerned about privacy then tbh I’d request that this is taken down. It has Daily Mail written all over it.

notthatonethisone · 04/03/2022 10:57

@notacooldad

To be honest it's more the lack of any communication that I think is the most upsetting

Just cancelling the ops flight. Job done.

At the very least I'd expect a call - sorry op looks like this is the only week that works. Hope to see you next year

That's why it feels so brutal.

It just gives the impression they don't give a shit whether she comes or not

Actually we don’t know how all the phone call went. The op has said mum called to let them know a date had been changed and it was the cheapest option. She hasn’t said anything about how long the conversation lasted, the tone of mums voice, how things were worded etc. The op has posted from her perspective which is heightened as she was furious when she posted. She is not going to make anything about the call to put her mum in a good light.

Op has said she couldn’t go on a certain date, unfortunately for her it was the cheapest option. Nothing can change that.
Even if op paid for herself for a different date the parents are not only paying however much the original holiday was plus the extra increase for all the remaining people invited, which added up is owing to be a serious amount of money I would have thought.

Instead of being s grateful as she claims about the previous 12 holidays she is sour because she can’t make one.

As I’ve asked before what does OP do to create ‘precious memories’ with the rest of the family during the rest of the year if time together is so important, or is it just the freebie in a nice villa in Italy where family time can be enjoyed.

Well there wasn't a phone call! The op says the mum asked for dates. Then the next day announced to the family what they'd done and cancelled her flights. So the op wasn't even given a heads up.

She's also said they've not talked about it. They haven't acknowledged she might be upset.

ScribblingPixie · 04/03/2022 11:09

I can see it must be really upsetting from your point of view. It just seems reading it that your parents love this holiday villa, they love the time they spend there, it's their holiday and they're generous enough to want to share it with whoever among their children is available within their budget. They'll try to accommodate their adult kids but not above their own enjoyment of their holiday. They're prioritising themselves rather than you (or your other siblings). I think that's all ok, it's just that you're seeing it as a precious family tradition - for them the family add-on is optional and they weren't prepared to go back and forth on dates and centre you but went with what suited them. It could just as easily have been one of your siblings who missed out. If it's just one date you can't make it for, why not pay yourself to fly out and join them for a few days?

notacooldad · 04/03/2022 11:12

Well there wasn't a phone call! The op says the mum asked for dates. Then the next day announced to the family what they'd done and cancelled her flights. So the op wasn't even given a heads up.
Ok, my mistake. I thought it was a phone call and didnt read back to check although to be fair it doesnt say it wasnt. I guess I assumed that as op has said there is only one sibling living at home.

She's also said they've not talked about it. They haven't acknowledged she might be upset
It wouldn't occur to me either about someone being upset. From a mum point of view who also offers and pays for cottages, gigs , restaurants etc to my kids if I'm told they csnt make a certain date I take them at their word. Even if it is something we do annually.
Either they can make or something or they cant.
It works the other way as well when I've not been able to go to their things.
I think the only thing that we would plan something that everyone could go to is an immediate family wedding. The only thing we would all cancel a prior arrangement is an immediate or slightly extended family funeral.
Everything else , holidays included, are events that if you miss you can catch up with every one before or after they go.

Asiama · 04/03/2022 11:14

I'm really sad for you OP and understand how hurt you must be.

On a practical level, would it be possible for you to offer to cover the additional cost of the whole holiday for everyone, if they stick to dates you can do? You may need to speak to them quickly before availability reduces.

DameHelena · 04/03/2022 11:15

I don't know why they've continued paying for this all themselves when all of their kids are now adults in paying jobs.
We don't need to know why Hmm It's been the parents' decision.

You all should have been paying for your share, and will have to once your kids start growing up and need space themselves.
Again, I don't understand. Why 'should'? You make it sound like the OP and her siblings have been forcing their parents to pay.

Just suggest that starts now, everyone pays a share. It's only fair.
Again , it's not for the OP to 'suggest' things. It's been her parents' tradition and choice.

Once more I have to wonder if people are genuinely this hard of thinking/comprehension, or just fabricating opportunities to have a pop for their own little kicks.

notacooldad · 04/03/2022 11:15

From OpBut also we have all prioritised this trip as we love it and it means a lot to spend time together
Do you honestly think the OP would be so keen to prioritize the holiday if it was a camping holiday with all the family in Skegness! Think of all the precious memories and happy times together.

I think quite a few family members would have ducked out and this 12 year tradition wouldnt still be going.
However an amazing villa in Italy paid for including flights does help a family stay close I guess!🤣

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/03/2022 11:16

he people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time.

This is the part of the OP's post that people need to read again.

The villa people cancelled the original booking and offered several alternative dates when the villa would be available.
The OP could do ANY of them EXCEPT one.
That was the one the OP's mother picked, and within a day had booked it, and was cancelling the original flights and rebooking new ones. No conversation - just an announcement.
No obvious "we're sorry that you won't be able to make this one", or acknowledgement of how that might make the OP feel.

DameHelena · 04/03/2022 11:17

@notacooldad

From OpBut also we have all prioritised this trip as we love it and it means a lot to spend time together Do you honestly think the OP would be so keen to prioritize the holiday if it was a camping holiday with all the family in Skegness! Think of all the precious memories and happy times together.

I think quite a few family members would have ducked out and this 12 year tradition wouldnt still be going.
However an amazing villa in Italy paid for including flights does help a family stay close I guess!🤣

That's just bitchy.
DasAlteLeid · 04/03/2022 11:17

@PetrasPurse can you fly out before/after your prior commitment and enjoy at least a few days of the holiday? I think it’s pretty thoughtless of your parents really and they probably just got caught up in the panic of re-booking. I would be upset too though, YANBU x

notacooldad · 04/03/2022 11:18

That's just bitchy
I'm i wrong though?

Bellringer · 04/03/2022 11:23

Outrageous. Was there another date everyone could do or was it a choice of going without you or someone else? If there is another date I would say you are upset. Can you offer to pay the shortfall or have a whip round. If someone had to be left out it's tough but it could have been discussed and handled better. Leaves a nasty taste.

BlondeWidow · 04/03/2022 11:29

@PetrasPurse YADNBU! I'd be HOPPING MAD!!!! I'm gobsmacked you haven't said anything, why on earth not!?!? I'm sure your Mum would want to know how upset you are?

lockdownalli · 04/03/2022 11:32

YABU. If the holiday was that important to you you would change the other plans.

You say the other plans are more important - so that is your choice.

wordler · 04/03/2022 11:32

Are you sure you were the only one with any conflicts on the choice of dates?

Maybe this was also the date that the fewest people had a problem with?

It could be a pros and con thing - no one could do every date available and then there was one date which was significantly cheaper.

BlondeWidow · 04/03/2022 11:33

@PetrasPurse Oh and please ignore all the virtue signallers, falling over each other to find you at fault. It seems to be a new trend on online forums - to be the first to find the OP at fault no matter what they've posted

Swipe left for the next trending thread