Ditched from family holiday

[PetrasPurse]

For the last 12ish years (except for 2020), my parents have taken my siblings and I on an annual trip to a lovely villa in Italy. This started in our late teens and we are now all in our mid - late 20s.

We have the best time together, have made precious memories, and look forward to this every year. I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all, as we didn't have many holidays together when we were younger and now they are much more well off we are really making up for it. They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded. It feels like a precious family tradition.

My AIBU is this; this week the people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Why couldn't they have kept the dates and just chosen a different villa this time instead? It makes me feel like staying at this villa is more important than all of us being there as a family. I would have 100% paid my share if it was down to money or not being able to go, but wasn't given an option. I am gutted and don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop going over it in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.

If it’s that special and important to you. You have to change your previous commitment. End of.

You haven’t said to us what it is. ?? If we knew what it was that would help us understand more

Stop blaming it on the Villa who changed things. These things happen. And it sounds bloody stressful for your Mum to be honest. Booking a holdings for all of you. Sounds like she just been stressed out by it all and just wants it sorted. Tick. Done.

But. If you could tell us your ‘previous commitment’. That would help us understand

Just being kicked off the trip with no explanation or discussion is the issue
But she hasn't been 'kicked igmff a trip with no explanation' though.
She can go if she is available, unfortunately this year she unavailable.

Which essentially boils down to: the building is more important to them than spending time with their daughter, which is what OP was hurt by in the first place. I'm having a revelation here finding out how many people value the building they holiday in more than the friends and family they holiday with, but hey ho, at least I can be glad my own family seem to value my company.
What emotive poppycock.
The parents like a particularly villa and why shouldn't they go back. Having the family around at their expense is a nice thing but surely it's not the only time In the year they see the family. There's plenty of time for the family to be together such as birthdays, mothering Sunday, fathers day, Christmas day, other random days to spend time together.

You dont need a fancy villa at parents expense to enjoy each others company.
How do you ' pay back' your parents kindness OP? Do you arrange family days together for 'precious memories' and make sure everyone can attend?

I'm not talking about holidays or anything expensive but if spending time is so important what do you do to facilitate this throughout the rest of the year?

igmff = random letters!🤷‍♀️

I wish people would stop asking about the previous commitment. OP wasn’t even asked if she could change it - her parents cancelled her flights without warning. So it’s irrelevant.

I would be hurt too, OP. I think your family should have considered other villas. I would have to say something, as I wouldn’t be able to keep quiet forever.

@PetrasPurse

That's really hurtful. I'm sorry this has happened, there are somethings in life, which will forever more change relationships and this, I fear, is one of them.

How many siblings do you have? I wonder if it was a case of more people being able to make that date than others.

Years ago my Mum would have just booked a different Villa for the original week, these days I think she'd want the same Villa, but she'd twist herself in knots until she worked out dates everyone could make BUT Golden Boy would definitely be considered first & foremost. I would be pressured to change anything I had that clashed. (No matter how important/unchangable it was).

I think people just want to know what your 'thing' is because we're a nosey bunch!! I'm assuming it's a court case type thing where it's definitely not fun but also not changeable.

Oh & you don't sound ungrateful for the holidays at all!!

You sound hurt & it's understandable xx

Your mum is also being unkind, she could have asked you if you still wanted the booked flights (at her expense or yours) before cancelling them.

🌷

I think you should have got another villa because it sounds like the villa owners are just moving dates to make you pay more. I bet they have resold your original dates for more. Prices have gone up and they don’t want you paying the old prices. You could try asking them if that’s the case and ask if the original dates are available for more money?

I can understand why your upset but holiday prices have soared. On another thread someone has written how the exact holiday they had a couple of years ago has doubled in price.

You are at the start of life with multiple options as you age you still have options but radical changes are harder. DH and I are looking at a different retirement to what we thought as his pension provision has changed after almost 30 years of payments the payout terms have changed. You have no real idea what is happening with your parents finances.

Plus your refusal to say what they commitment is means people really can’t judge the situation.

I'd be hurt by this too.

My parents used to take us on a big family holiday from time to time. The venue wasn't at all to my taste but I prioritised it because I valued time with extended family. Then I became unwell, developed a disability and could no longer manage the journey.

I felt very disappointed to be excluded, thought people might have considered a place closer that I could manage to get to, so that we could all spend time together as before.

But I found out that they had different priorities - they prioritised the venue, for me the priority was being together.

Like I said, it did hurt but I came to realise that we just valued different things, and that they are not responsible for my happiness. I spend time with them at other times and enjoy holidays without them.

I agree with you OP that they should have kept the dates that everyone could do and book a different villa or location.

I can imagine doing this to one of my children. She hasn’t really “launched” and still acts like the baby of the family and it’s very frustrating.

Eg In this sort of instance she might say she cannot come in X date because it’s the anniversary of family dog dying. Everyone else would have commitments like work etc but she would want us to respect her “commitment” equally.

Not saying this is you, OP, but sometimes making concessions for people is just enabling behaviour that they need to grow out of. It’s not always being a bad parent.

So you couldn't do the dates that were convenient for everyone else, and had a free holiday cancelled? Boo hoo. Get a grip.

Try arranging a holiday that suits everyone and paying for everyone yourself. Your parents are probably upset that you can't make it too but they are trying to do a nice thing for everyone.

I think you're getting a really hard time on here OP. People calling you "ungrateful" and fixating on whatever commitment you had... Totally unfair and irrelevant. The point is that your mum chose location over a family member! It's completely understandabke that you're very hurt.

I think sometimes people on here can't accept that people can be really shitty, so they make up reasons why their actions were actually totally fine, when they're clearly not.

I hear you OP. It's not the holiday or the money, it's the fact that it had made you feel that you matter least. Totally understandable. Speak to your parents though, say how you feel otherwise it will just fester and you will be resentful forever more.

@Cattenberg

I wish people would stop asking about the previous commitment. OP wasn’t even asked if she could change it - her parents cancelled her flights without warning. So it’s irrelevant.

I would be hurt too, OP. I think your family should have considered other villas. I would have to say something, as I wouldn’t be able to keep quiet forever.

No, we don't know that. This commitment may be something she's talked about with the family. Apparently it's a very close family, so I'm guessing there's more going on here than OP has disclosed.

Putting myself in the position of her parents, I imagine that either they know what the commitment is and feel that if OP really wanted to come on holiday with them she could change it. Or they have been told that she has a rock-solid commitment but she won't say what it is, and so they have taken her at her word and decided, for reasons that suit them (because this is their holiday, in their villa that they pay for) to go without her.

I'm increasingly of the opinion that the OP is being what in my family wold be called 'a bit of a madam.' It's time to grow up, OP, and accept that you can't always get what you want. Feel a bit hurt, by all means, but don't make a big thing of it. Otherwise they may start a new tradition of holidaying without you every year.

You need to say something OP - this is horrible. I don't think a lot of comments on here are valid. It doesn't matter what the commitment is, even if it were petty, it also doesn't matter that no one's missed out before and that's a shock.

What matters is the lack of thought for your feelings, at least you deserved a phone call before the decision was made.

@ThoseFestiveLights

I can imagine doing this to one of my children. She hasn’t really “launched” and still acts like the baby of the family and it’s very frustrating.

Eg In this sort of instance she might say she cannot come in X date because it’s the anniversary of family dog dying. Everyone else would have commitments like work etc but she would want us to respect her “commitment” equally.

Not saying this is you, OP, but sometimes making concessions for people is just enabling behaviour that they need to grow out of. It’s not always being a bad parent.

I wish there was a like button. Yes, this is the impression I'm getting. Youngest child having a tantrum when she discovers it's not all about her.

I think to your Mum the where the holiday is, the Villa is the holiday.
She will know people there and wants to go to somewhere she feels happy and safe.
Going somewhere else is not the point of her get away.
I bet she is sad you won't be there, but your asking her to change her special place to make YOU happy.

You have to think of it as an invite to her 2nd home, not a holiday.

@Pluvia you are wrong and haven't RTFT. OP's parents know the commitment and that it's important. They also didn't ask her to change it or consult her before deciding and cancelling her flight. @Cattenberg was completely correct.

The OP could be a barrister doing a trial; she could have non moveable professional exams; she could be starting a new job; performing surgery, or be in HM Forces and unable to get leave. Sometimes one does have commitments that cannot be moved, and it is none of our business what that is. This place is so damned nosy sometimes.

I can totally understand why you are upset.

From an objective view point, I can sort of see how this has happened and I would urge you to move on and not take it personally.

They book the same place every year - it has sentimental value. As people get older they tend to resist change. Travelling in these times is more stressful, the thought of having to find a new villa may have been overwhelming at short notice. It would not feel like the same holiday. They may have felt a cheaper villa would disappoint people. The charm and nostalgia surrounding this tradition would be diminished. Sort of like if they can't have this Villa then they would prefer not to go at all.

Everyone else could make the dates except you. I see it as simply keeping the majority happy and not a personal slight against you. They thought it better to disappoint one person than disappoint the majority of the family. I totally understand why it hurts.

I would urge you to be gracious about it so the tradition can continue without raking up bad feelings in the future.

I agree with you OP that they should have kept the dates that everyone could do and book a different villa or location
They shouldn't have to do anything.
It's their holiday and it's a free invite to those that can make it.
Unfortunately this year op.
So sad, too bad

I'd be really pissed if I was putting a free holiday out there and saying look I've only got a few options with dates because things have gone really expensive and its getting a dear do and one person cant make a date and strops over it because they are doing something else.
If one of my kids came whining to me that it wasnt fair after they've had 12 years of free holidays and they cant make one I'd be reconsidering the whole deal to be honest and wondering why I bother.

It's the same when I book a cottage in the Cairngorms in December or January. I book the accommodation and if the " kids" and their girlfriends can make it great, if they cant, never mind.

So say 12 people are normally on this holiday, all 12 love the holiday home , BUT due to dates 1 person wants everything to change , different venue, uncertain amenities possible bad neighbours to make them happy. Oh and to top it all this person isn't paying a penny towards it....yeah that.

@notacooldad

I agree with you OP that they should have kept the dates that everyone could do and book a different villa or location They shouldn't have to do anything. It's their holiday and it's a free invite to those that can make it. Unfortunately this year op. So sad, too bad I'd be really pissed if I was putting a free holiday out there and saying look I've only got a few options with dates because things have gone really expensive and its getting a dear do and one person cant make a date and strops over it because they are doing something else. If one of my kids came whining to me that it wasnt fair after they've had 12 years of free holidays and they cant make one I'd be reconsidering the whole deal to be honest and wondering why I bother.

It's the same when I book a cottage in the Cairngorms in December or January. I book the accommodation and if the " kids" and their girlfriends can make it great, if they cant, never mind.

This is quite robust way of putting it, but completely true.

On the one hand you sound ungrateful for the thousands upon thousands they have spent on taking you away on a fabulous holiday.
OK, either this is just wilfully spiteful or you are seriously hard of comprehension.
Just about the first thing in the OP is 'I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all'.

OP, I get it. The weirdest thing for me is the abruptness of the movement from 'My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one' to 'The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do… She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine'.
Surely you'd have some discussion about trying to find another date you all could do, or finding another villa?
Being charitable, maybe she just thought that getting into more alternative dates to accommodate everyone, trying to find a new villa etc, would just get complicated and long-winded.
But she could at least have spoken to you separately about all that.
YANBU.

You are making massive leaps pluvia and festivelights

You have no evidence that op had "failed to launch" or is a "madam".

When my parents were alive they paid for certain family events every time. Their choice, they wanted to and enjoyed being able to do so. They would ask for dates that everyone could do and as a family we discussed and only finalised when there was a mutually agreed date. If something subsequently occurred that meant changing the date that process would start again. I can assure you that we are all fully functioning independently adults.

It's fundamentally rude to make an invitation (as the OP's parents did and she accepted) then ask for availability because circumstances have changed but simply ignore one person's response.

And to do this without acknowledging that they have effectively withdrawn their invitation to that one person. No discussion, no understanding and no apology. That's rude in my book. The parents are the ones choosing to make this annual offer, not the OP demanding it.