Ditched from family holiday

[PetrasPurse]

For the last 12ish years (except for 2020), my parents have taken my siblings and I on an annual trip to a lovely villa in Italy. This started in our late teens and we are now all in our mid - late 20s.

We have the best time together, have made precious memories, and look forward to this every year. I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all, as we didn't have many holidays together when we were younger and now they are much more well off we are really making up for it. They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded. It feels like a precious family tradition.

My AIBU is this; this week the people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Why couldn't they have kept the dates and just chosen a different villa this time instead? It makes me feel like staying at this villa is more important than all of us being there as a family. I would have 100% paid my share if it was down to money or not being able to go, but wasn't given an option. I am gutted and don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop going over it in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.

I think some of the replies have been harsh on you, I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I think your anger is in part because of the way they've announced it. I think if they'd called you and said look, this is the alternative date that works best for X, Y, and Z reason and you'd have been able to talk about it, offer to pay the difference for another week or offer to look for alternative accommodation for the original week, you wouldn't feel so cross/excluded. By announcing that they'd booked and changed the flights, you didn't get the chance to offer an opinion or different options.

Something similar happened to me for a big family birthday event - there weren't going to be enough spaces at the event, so my DH would have been excluded, so I can understand your feelings.

I think you need to have a conversation about it when you're feeling a bit calmer. I think there's some clumsiness and misunderstanding going on here and it will better for you all to talk about it rather let it fester.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel hurt. Maybe your mum didnt read your reply properly and thought you could do any dates? I think they should have tried to find a different property with the same dates. Try not to stew on it, I’m sure they wouldn’t purposely exclude you as they sound nice people. I understand your feeling though.

Sorry you're upset, OP. I would be and i would be telling my family that i thought it a bit mean.
And I'd be telling my mum that i thought her being breezy about it was shitty and made me feel left out. Because it is. Rather than saying "sorry, OP, there is no date everyone can make, but you are the only one who can't make this one so it's all about numbers" she just did it and then behaved as though it's no biggie.

But after that, I'd move on. And if it happens again next year? I'd just tell them they're all off my Christmas card list and get on with things keeping my family at a little more distance. Because yes, I'm petty.

Join them when your commitment is over? (or before whatever it is)

How I am understanding it is they suggested a few other dates and it wAs just the one date you couldn't make and they went with that ?
Maybe someone else couldn't do another but them why pick you as the one not to go , surely you have a family discussion about what to do
I would have to let them know that i feel hurt and excluded and regardless if they pay or not its bot the point if you just leave one person out its not fair especially without at least discussing and explaining why that was the only choice they had

I suspect the other dates meant multiple people missing out, so they picked the date that would upset the least amount of people?

Finding an affordable villa to fit a big extended family can't be easy.

If the alternative was for everyone to lose their holiday, as sad as it obviously is for you, YABU.

You haven't said yet if your siblings were all available on the other dates. If there were 3 options and you said no to one, but the others could only make that date then she will have gone with the majority of course.

You could ask her if you can look for an alternative villa on the original dates, but it isn't fair to expect her to do the hunting.

I dont get why you won't just tell your mum that you're hurt and pissed off and ask if they can find another villa for the original dates. Or you could offer to find one.. There's no point moaning about it and fuming in silence when you could tell them how you feel and possibly get a resolution that suits everyone

The fixation on what I am doing with the date I cannot make is weird.

It's really not OP. If you are attending a best friend's wedding, this is not movable. If you have a shopping trip with a mate booked, it completely is and if the latter then you are effectively choosing not to go. I have a friend who throws up all sorts of spurious barriers to group events we're trying to arrange with our group of friends - communicates obliquely and won't be clear about her plans at all with our group of friends. We do not rise to the games. We say we're sorry she can't attend but do join us if her plans change. She is playing a control game and I think on some level wants us all to show that she is the only and most important person (she is very messed up) and that we will all put ourselves out for her e.g. miss a good deal as she's 'not sure' about her availability and then spend much more to get the same thing later (she is wealthy so no bother for her). Obviously this is not you but we can't really judge this situation without understanding the context more. If you can't go because you have a nail appointment, you are choosing not to go which is very different.

That said, I don't know why people accused you of sounding ungrateful for all the holidays provided for you. I don't think you do. I think you recognise your privilege here.

The commitment that can't be moved is most likely either jury service or medical which is why it's not a case of doing the activity (such as being MOH which is another date that couldn't be moved) and then flying out to join the family.

It's the way it's been communicated that's the problem. If the parents had said "there wasn't a date everyone could make so we had to go with the cheapest option but hopefully next year we'll all be able to go", I'm sure this would have been much easier to take. Just being kicked off the trip with no explanation or discussion is the issue.

OP I can understand your hurt feelings but the very fact they don't seem aware of this means they took the decision purely from a practical point of view, so (as always, easier said than done) try not to take it personally!

You mention "They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded" and I wonder if this episode should prompt everyone to start contributing? What started as a "precious family tradition" might gradually be becoming something of a burden to your parents, however much they enjoy having everyone there.

What's just happened has underlined that they are not able to fund the whole dream indefinitely, so it may be time for their children, now adults, to step up and help out with the costs, which are not going to go down in the years to come.

@CoastalWave

I expect the forum will now descend to people insisting I tell them what my other plans were, but believe me they are not that exciting

So, just cancel them then and go on the holiday! Honestly.

Jesus Christ, what is wrong with some people??

Yeah, it's totally reasonable to demand someone cancel [being a bridesmaid for their best friend's wedding/another holiday that's already been booked and paid for/insert whatever else prior plans OP might reasonably have] rather than ask your own mother to check to see if any other villas are available. [/sarcasm]

Why are some people so weird?!!

Sounds really unfortunate OP and very disappointing.

Are your parents generally poor at taking responsibility for their actions (they presumably know you'd be disappointed) or do they usually avoid talking about emotions?

It may be that they feel embarrassed about making an arrangement that suited them but not you and want to avoid the subject or minimise your feelings.

Is it too late now to find another solution? If not I'd ask your parents to consider revisiting their decision and say that the holiday means a lot to you and that you can contribute financially if that would help.

Your title is is misleading.
You havent been ditched, you are invited, you cant make that particular date. 🤷‍♀️

I think if your parents had said from the outset that there was only one other date that they could afford then things would have been different - instead they made it sound like there were lots of options and then chose the one that you couldn't make. They didn't even discuss it with you before making the announcement by the sounds of it.

I think they handled it very badly all round but don't seem to realise how disappointed you would be. I wouldn't be furious but I think you should let them know how upset and disappointed you are and how much you valued having all the family together on previous holidays.

Oh Op, I so feel your pain. This type of thing has happened to me before, and regardless of all the logistics, what you feel is 'I'm being left out and no-one seems to care'. I get it.

Firstly, were there dates that everyone could do?
Second, what is the response from your siblings? Are they outraged that you can't go, or is it just presented as a done deal, and everyone else is happy because the holiday is on?

I know for me, slightly different circumstances, it was everyone's indifference to the fact that my family now couldn't go that hurt the most. For me, people matter more than places, but like you, it felt that the location was the biggest deal and if it meant some of us were left out, so be it.

You have to raise this or it will eat away at you and cause a much bigger issue. They have acted badly and really hurt your feelings and it could be, with so many people to consider, they just hadn't thought of it in that way. Be honest about how upset you are - they just might surprise you.

Sending love OP, I know how shitty this feels.

@HereIfYouNeedMe

I'd be really pissed off that after 12 years of giving business to the villa owner, for such a large group, they decide to cancel the booking after flights have been booked and don't even have the decency to offer the rebooking at the same price!!

Exactly what I was thinking! Surely your family gets first refusal? OP, I do think it’s upsetting but doesn’t sound as though it was meant to be. Not sure what I’d do as I’d be upset too!

It is incredibly difficult to find nice holiday accommodation in Europe at the moment - everywhere has been booked up for months and prices have gone up massively.

Because after 2 years of Covid now freedom is coming back, everyone wants to go away at the same time.

Tricky situation for your parents but I suspect they made the best decision they could in the circumstances.

OP, your parents love this particular villa and want to return to it. They pay for you all to go, which sounds like a considerable commitment. Why should they all have to find somewhere else and break the spell of all these years returning to a favourite place to accommodate your choice?

Which essentially boils down to: the building is more important to them than spending time with their daughter, which is what OP was hurt by in the first place. I'm having a revelation here finding out how many people value the building they holiday in more than the friends and family they holiday with, but hey ho, at least I can be glad my own family seem to value my company...

FWIW OP, I still maintain it was probably just a rash hurried decision made in a moment of stress and then communicated very badly. Definitely talk to them, see if it can be changed and at least explain why you feel hurt, but if it can't be changed then just look forward to 2023.

I suspect there are simply no other villas available in budget in Italy for this summer.

That's been my experience trying to find a villa in Spain. All that's left is either astronomically expensive or very cheap and nasty.

We all have to make compromises now due to the legacy of Covid.

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

The fixation on what I am doing with the date I cannot make is weird.

It's really not OP. If you are attending a best friend's wedding, this is not movable. If you have a shopping trip with a mate booked, it completely is and if the latter then you are effectively choosing not to go. I have a friend who throws up all sorts of spurious barriers to group events we're trying to arrange with our group of friends - communicates obliquely and won't be clear about her plans at all with our group of friends. We do not rise to the games. We say we're sorry she can't attend but do join us if her plans change. She is playing a control game and I think on some level wants us all to show that she is the only and most important person (she is very messed up) and that we will all put ourselves out for her e.g. miss a good deal as she's 'not sure' about her availability and then spend much more to get the same thing later (she is wealthy so no bother for her). Obviously this is not you but we can't really judge this situation without understanding the context more. If you can't go because you have a nail appointment, you are choosing not to go which is very different.

That said, I don't know why people accused you of sounding ungrateful for all the holidays provided for you. I don't think you do. I think you recognise your privilege here.

The OP stated quite clearly that it wasn’t a shopping trip.

Your controlling friend sounds irritating, but that’s nothing like the situation here. The OP’s mum knew about the commitment the OP already had and accepted that it wasn’t something that could be moved, but she arranged the holiday for that date anyway, clearly believing that staying in the same accommodation was more important than having the whole family there as they always have been in previous years.

@Alcemeg

OP I can understand your hurt feelings but the very fact they don't seem aware of this means they took the decision purely from a practical point of view, so (as always, easier said than done) try not to take it personally!

You mention "They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded" and I wonder if this episode should prompt everyone to start contributing? What started as a "precious family tradition" might gradually be becoming something of a burden to your parents, however much they enjoy having everyone there.

What's just happened has underlined that they are not able to fund the whole dream indefinitely, so it may be time for their children, now adults, to step up and help out with the costs, which are not going to go down in the years to come.

Agreed^

Clearly this is a loving family. It is impossible in families to keep everybody happy all of the time. So the person paying, who also has the best interests of everybody, while understandably also wanting to repeat the same location, took the best decision she could in the circumstances. And it would be a shame that one child would let this fester and keep it as an open sore for the rest of their lives over one holiday. Think about all the happy times and say to everybody else that you're happy for them, that it's unfortunate you can't go but you'll all be together next year.

I also suspect it was a very hard decision for the mother, and it was always clear the parents never wanted anyone else to pay. There is a reason for this. It gets messy if you start doing that. Then there will begin arguments about dates, who gets what room etc because they paid more. Wise mother. Also highly probable the event the OP has another commitment was maybe to the mother not a strong enough event, or it would have been inconvenient for more of the group.

Understand that you feel left out and yes the price difference could have been discussed between you - maybe you could have contributed or split between you all. Perhaps they were time restricted.

Accept the situation for what it is, handled clumsy and you have taken the hit. Make your own plans and do something or go somewhere you have always wanted to.