Ditched from family holiday

[PetrasPurse]

For the last 12ish years (except for 2020), my parents have taken my siblings and I on an annual trip to a lovely villa in Italy. This started in our late teens and we are now all in our mid - late 20s.

We have the best time together, have made precious memories, and look forward to this every year. I appreciate how privileged I am, and how generous it is of them to treat us all, as we didn't have many holidays together when we were younger and now they are much more well off we are really making up for it. They have even paid for our partners and kids to join as the family has expanded. It feels like a precious family tradition.

My AIBU is this; this week the people at the villa contacted to say they couldn't accommodate our original dates this year, and offered us several alternative dates instead. My mum asked us all for our availability and I replied saying I could do any date except one. The next day she confirmed to the family to say that she had booked for the date I said I couldn't do, as it was the cheapest option (the prices were inflated a lot compared to what they usually pay). She then confirmed she was changing everyone's flights to the new date except mine as I couldn't make it this time. AIBU to feel completely cut out from the family and furious about this. I don't really know how to respond - it feels like I have just been removed from the holiday.

Why couldn't they have kept the dates and just chosen a different villa this time instead? It makes me feel like staying at this villa is more important than all of us being there as a family. I would have 100% paid my share if it was down to money or not being able to go, but wasn't given an option. I am gutted and don't know how to respond to this. I can't stop going over it in my head. Any advice would be appreciated.

Maybe the parents are realising that going forward it is going to be less likely that everyone is going to be able to come on the holiday, as the children get older and need more space, partners may want a holiday that doesn’t involve the in-laws etc. Although the way you were just cancelled out of the holiday without a conversation wasn’t very nice

Well for the parents the villa is the priority in this instance. It’s quite teenage extrapolating from that they don’t want the op. The op could change her commitment if she really wanted to go. We don’t know the background they might see the op a lot and think oh well she can come next year etc not realising op is catastrophising that she has been rejected from the family over one date clash!

I think you have overreacted and perhaps you may feel a little less aggrieved after I hope a good nights sleep.

Can you really not change the reason why you cannot make the dates concerned?

Are you only closebecause of this annual luxury holiday? I am not close enough to my family to consider spending MY downtime with them in this way, like a lot of people. If you're close enough to take holidays living in each others pockets surely you are close enough to not feel 'completely cut out of the family' as you put it in your post.

If your WHOLE sense of family is based on this holiday then maybe taking time to reflect on your priorities would help you put this in perspective.

Perhaps they thought that you not being available for every date was your tactful way of saying you are growing out of these trips. They probably aren't aware how upset you are.

As a parent of young (and not so young) adults I was very aware that the days of big family holidays are necessarily numbered, that eventually my children would have other commitments and preferences that meant we couldn't all go away together and I see it happening now. This year my eldest has booked a long haul trip with his GF that will eat up a lot of his holiday allowance and a lot of money so he won't be going on our annual visit to my country of origin. It's a bit sad but he can't be expected to spend holidays with us forever. He will want to spend them with his girlfriend who probably wouldn't enjoy a massive family gathering in a very non-touristy, rainy part of the world. And equally, as he grows up, it isn't reasonable that we should fund his holidays forever.

I am sure when we go away without him and he sees the photos and updates on SM he will feel a bit of a pang that's he is missing out (and we will miss him) but it's all part of the leaving the nest process.

The unreasonable part is how the parents have handled it. It's unrealistic to expect a large extended family to be able to get together every single year for a week, so you do have to accept that there will be years when not everyone will be there. Especially if this particular villa and location are integral to the holiday. But they could have handled this so much better by talking to the OP- "look darling, I'm afraid this year it just isn't going to work, but we'll prioritise your schedule next year". Cancelling everything without telling her is odd and mean, whatever the reason that she can't go.

My mumdar is telling me there's more to this and your mums booked the date you can't go on to make a point. 😬

For the people saying “just change your commitment”, they didn’t give the OP that chance. Even if she does, and her mum rebooks her cancelled flight, the damage is done: the villa means more to them then going on holiday with the whole family, and they’re all happy to go without her. Of course that’s hurtful. The fact it’s a privileged situation doesn’t undo the hurt.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in being upset about this, I would be too.

If your parents had decided to go alone this year than I would think fair enough that’s perfectly reasonable, but the rest of the family going without you doesn’t seem very fair.

You need to tell them how you feel. They probably don't realise how much it's hurt you, and this will give you both an opportunity to explain. I understand why you're upset but people aren't mindreaders. Give your mum a call and have a chat about it.

Your parents want to go to that villa in that place, and it's their call as they finance and arrange this holiday every year. Eventually someone was going to be the person who simply can't make it, and it happens to be you. It's hurtful, I get that, but I don't think you should have expected your parents to change the venue in order to accommodate you.

OP - can you look for other villas, find three that are suitable for the dates everyone can make, then text the details to everyone?

Finding nice villas is a MASSIVE pain in the arse. Until you have done it, it’s not clear. Have a go, then talk to your family.

What is the commitment that you cant move?

I know you don't want to say what it is, but unless we know, we've no idea if you were being an awkward bugger or not.

What is the commitment you have? Is that the reason your mum has chosen that date-ie she disapproves?

It's really sad. You need to speak to them asap and see if they can change the dates or you need to change whatever your plans are.

I underhand why you're upset. My parents would never have done this.

@stuntbubbles

For the people saying “just change your commitment”, they didn’t give the OP that chance. Even if she does, and her mum rebooks her cancelled flight, the damage is done: the villa means more to them then going on holiday with the whole family, and they’re all happy to go without her. Of course that’s hurtful. The fact it’s a privileged situation doesn’t undo the hurt.

Exactly! There was no discussion with the OP, just a "oh well, she can't come, we'll just book it then anyway" - no further options discussed or offered.

And for all those saying "can't you just change your commitment" - OP hasn't specified what it is, and nor should she have to, but it is beyond your imagination that it might be something like a friend's wedding, the timing of which OP has no control over?

They have not excluded you

You have made a choice to do something else

That’s your right, as an adult. But you can’t blame the rest of the group for not moving THEIR schedules around you

You made a choice

If the commitment is something unmovable like a trial, or jury service, or being bridesmaid at a wedding I am obviously wrong, ….but I think the reason you don’t want to say what it is , means it is something you have a choice in attending

So it’s up to you really

I think you're massively overreacting. It's one holiday.

I'm with the parents on this one.
They clearly prefer that particular villa and dont want to change the location and why should they. You said so yourself that the villa is amazing. Maybe the villa is more important to them on this occasion as it is the place they choose for their holiday.and why not? It's their holiday that they are paying for

It's the Op that cant make it. Not everything is about '' the children" , even if the ' child' in this case is an adult.
It looks like the majority could make that date, someone was going to lose out.
If I was the parents I would be pissed off with the OP s attitude to be honest. She's had 12 years of holidays and now can't make one and moaning about how unfair it is. As for being ' bloody furious', that is ridiculous.
Any advice would be appreciated yes
Bloody grow up, your in your late twenties not early teens! Stop moping and being 'woe is me' You have not been excluded or removed. If your event or what ever is so important you cant change it wasnt happening you would be going. They havent removed you.
I think that you've done well to get 12 years as a family as the size of families are never static for long. As you said grand children are now part of the family so it sounds like there is going to be a shift in who goes to the villa in the coming years.anyway.
Nothing stays the same forever.

My family do stuff like this. I often find out after the event that they've been out with my other siblings and I wasn't invited. They assume oh Jules will think it's too far or whatever but they don't ask me and I feel excluded and that they don't like me and it's a horrible feeling.

The lack of communication and the way that it has made you feel is what is important here. You didn't snub them by not making yourself available for the key date. You were asked which options you could do and then they went ahead without discussing the implications.

I have a long history of this sort of thing and so would know that saying something would make the situation worse but hopefully in your case, if there is no history of similar, then you can be honest about how disappointed and left out you feel and they can reassure you that you're still important but this felt like the least worst option for them. The other dates were probably so expensive that it risked no-one being able to go. She should have discussed it with you though.

Ouch, that would really hurt. I absolutely cannot imagine my family doing something like that! How odd. You have to talk to your mum. I can only assume she thought you wouldn't be that fussed, for some reason, but in your shoes i certainly would be.

Agree with every word notacooldad

Also having arranged large group holidays my sympathy with the organisers!

I totally understand your upset. But you keep saying that your mother should have just booked somewhere else, as if that is an easy thing to do! Booking a holiday for a large group of people is a bloody mission! Finding somewhere big enough, in budget, the right location, with availability is hard enough but then with the added responsibility of hoping that it will meet everyone’s standards and expects us a lot of stress. I can totally understand why they wish to stick with the villa that they have already booked and been to countless times before.

I think that your parents are unreasonable is not predicting that you would be sad about this. But otherwise I think you just have to accept that you can’t make it this time. It’s not a once in a lifetime trip. You’ll have a lovely time next year.

On the fence.

There's too much we (or possibly OP) don't know:

Was there a date that everyone could make? It may be that the other dates more couldn't make.

What was the increased charge for other dates ? Even a small amount per person for that number adds up quickly. It quite likely was flights were more expensive etc too.

Has Op form for trying to manipulate everyone into doing what she wants? I know a family where one of them always makes a huge fuss about it being the most convenient for them. It means the others are much less likely to put themselves out.

What is this prior commitment? If it's something the family feel she can move/not attend then they may be feeling put out that she thinks that's more important then them too.

And also what's the dynamics on this holiday? Presumably the parents are getting older. Maybe they would like to start scaling it down and have a more relaxed holiday but don't know how to say this. Maybe Ops children fight cat and dog the whole time with the cousins (not necessarily blaming either side there) in which case it might be a relief if one of the families can't come because it reduces the friction.