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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I an controlling wife

133 replies

Mummy3788 · 03/03/2022 19:53

So basically my hubby has been asked to play some golf at the weekend or maybe a drink! I feel like I don’t want him too go! That sounds awful but whenever my hubby use to go out he’d be a complete twat after too much to drink! The last time was probably 2018 Xmas bash so a very long time ago! I actually stayed at my mums and I’m glad I did as when I got home the next morning he’d some how smashed the tv! Because he’s got form I worry! Before that he was drunk before children at a wedding and got very aggressive!
Totally changes!!
Am I being a total selfish controlling moo? Or would u guys feel alittle worried too! If I knew it was just some golf and that’s it then I wouldn’t care but I just worry about him then drinking too much and then acting like that again! I don’t want to tell him how I’m feeling as I don’t want to be that controlling wife I’m sounding like!
Argh any advice or what you would is welcome but please be kind people!! I had 2 young children too

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 03/03/2022 19:57

I think you are being a bit unreasonable if his last 'blow out' was 4 years ago.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 03/03/2022 19:58

Suggest he stays at a mate's house after then you don't have put up with any crap.

cansu · 03/03/2022 19:59

It isn't really sustainable for your husband to never go out without you for the rest of your life. You need to however tell him that you don't want him coming home in such a state that he is out of his head. If he is incapable of this, he should sleep elsewhere.

MintyGreenDream · 03/03/2022 20:00

Yabu for all the exclamation marks

hamstersarse · 03/03/2022 20:00

It sounds like he’s been a nob twice while drunk and hasn’t been out for years…..maybe my standards are low but this doesn’t seem excessive

If you don’t ‘let’ him go, where does that leave an adult to adult relationship? You mentioned the word controlling and it does have a whiff of it

Aimee1987 · 03/03/2022 20:01

Like others said if this is once in 4 years 🤷‍♀️.
But as others said suggest a mates or cheap hotel

Aquamarine1029 · 03/03/2022 20:01

I definitely would tell him how you're feeling and what you're concerned about. It's totally fine for him to go out, it is absolutely not fine for him to get so drunk that he behaves like an idiot. There is no way I would tolerate that. If that's his plan, and that would be pathetic, he can stay somewhere else for the evening.

Jingers5 · 03/03/2022 20:01

I would not be at home for him coming back and potentially acting aggressively- if he cannot handle his drink, then he should not be drinking. I don't think you are being controlling at all. I couldn't live in fear of this either especially with kids- l would be gone..

arethereanyleftatall · 03/03/2022 20:01

Have neither of you been out without the other one since 2018? That's quite unusual I would say.
But there's two separate things here...
Yes, it's controlling of you to say he can't play golf.
But, he needs to control his behaviour when he drinks, or not drink.

CayrolBaaaskin · 03/03/2022 20:02

I think it is unreasonable to object to your dh going out once every 4 years, yes

VioletLemon · 03/03/2022 20:03

I'm getting red flags at the tv being smashed and you mentioning aggression and totally changing with drink.

Has HE told you that it's controlling? It sounds like you've bought into the belief that it is you and you're trying to be lighthearted about it.
IMO you should listen to your instincts. There must be recognition in himself that there's an issue, after all it's 4 years since he repeated it. Maybe he doesn't want to go but thinks hell be OK this time..

Consider the probable reality that he can't tolerate alcohol.

VainAbigail · 03/03/2022 20:04

@MintyGreenDream

Yabu for all the exclamation marks
Yep!
Aquamarine1029 · 03/03/2022 20:04

@CayrolBaaaskin

I think it is unreasonable to object to your dh going out once every 4 years, yes
It's not the going out she objects to, it's the excessive drinking, and she's more than entitled to feel that way.
Mamamia7962 · 03/03/2022 20:05

I would just say that you don't mind him having a drink but you don't like it when he gets drunk as he can be aggressive. Maybe if he realises how it makes you feel then he might control his drinking more especially if you have young children.

betwixtlives · 03/03/2022 20:06

Yes you are being unreasonable! And controlling! He hasn’t been out for 4 years! That’s a long time! It’s not up to you to ‘let’ him go! I assume he is an adult! I couldn’t be married to you! Hope this helps!!!!!!!!!!!!!

20viona · 03/03/2022 20:12

You're being dramatic let him go out without you making him feel bad.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 03/03/2022 20:19

I totally understand the way you feel OP, but can't you talk to him? Tell him that you're glad that he wants to go and play golf, BUT you're really worried about the idea of him going for a drink afterwards, as the last couple of times he did that he came home nasty with it, and quite honestly it frightened you. See what his response is to that, maybe he'll say that he'll make an excuse and come right home after the game, but if he swears he'll only have one and he'll be fine, tell him you're not prepared to risk it, and as he broke the TV last time, if he comes home in that state again, you'll lock him out as you're not prepared for him to scare the kids, or damage the home. Once you've told him how you feel, he then has a choice, act like an adult, accept that he's not good with alcohol, and take suitable actions, whether that be staying in a hotel afterwards so that if he gets drunk, he's not going to frighten you or the kids, or come home and risk being locked out - HIS choice! That way you're not being controlling, you've laid your cards on the table, and it's up to him.

Sazzlepop22 · 03/03/2022 20:22

He's got form for not knowing his limit with alcohol so highly likely to get really drunk especially as he's not been out in years.
As others have said, ask him to crash at a mates place or a cheap hotel and come back home when sober.
You're right to feel anxious but unreasonable to ask him not to go.

Gowithme · 03/03/2022 20:27

I have no interest in being with someone who drinks too much and then behaves like an idiot. I grew out of that by 25. A lot of people seem to think it's fine though maybe because binge drinking is seen as normal here.

Tell him you're happy for him to play golf but you don't want him having more than a couple of drinks (is he capable sticking to reasonable limits?) because then he behaves like a twat.

Original poster
Mummy3788 · 03/03/2022 20:28

Thanks everyone pretty much all being saying what Iv been thinking. I just want to stop feeling like this and be a normal wife. I will talk to him about it but I’d never tell him what to do.
Oh reasons for why it’s also been so long as he hasn’t got a lot of friends- he doesn’t ever really make the effort doesn’t respond to messages or calls ect

OP posts:
BunsOfAnarchy · 03/03/2022 20:29

Yes. You are controlling.
But also he sounds like he has no control over his anger.

I'm divorced now because of this very reason (among others). My exDH could not accept he was a DICK the moment he had his first beer. It was like a switch was flipped. And he always thought I didn't think he could handle his alcohol. And truth is, he couldn't handle his attitude the moment the first drop went inside. But he had 2-3 beers every night and was always unpleasant towards me when like that.
I'd dread going to weddings/parties/events with him because I'd know he would get verbally aggressive the moment he drank and on a few occasions broke glass doors, hotel kettles, threw me on the bed/against a wall but because he 'never actually hit me' it was all my fault for making him angry by trying to control his drinking.

You can't control him. And he can't control his behaviour when like this. It's not a match made in heaven unfortunately. Sorry OP

hauntedbillybass · 03/03/2022 20:29

!!!!!

Original poster
Mummy3788 · 03/03/2022 20:29

@MintyGreenDream

Yabu for all the exclamation marks
I didn’t even realised I put that many till I reread it!!!!!!
OP posts:
Yellowsubhubabubbub · 03/03/2022 20:30

DH is a riot when he drinks. Rule is : he stays at his mates and when he comes home 9am , he’s not allowed to be/act hungover.

devildeepbluesea · 03/03/2022 20:30

You sounds like really hard work, not letting your husband out for over 3 years and using exclamation marks like confetti.

Just give the poor sod a break.

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