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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I an controlling wife

133 replies

Mummy3788 · 03/03/2022 19:53

So basically my hubby has been asked to play some golf at the weekend or maybe a drink! I feel like I don’t want him too go! That sounds awful but whenever my hubby use to go out he’d be a complete twat after too much to drink! The last time was probably 2018 Xmas bash so a very long time ago! I actually stayed at my mums and I’m glad I did as when I got home the next morning he’d some how smashed the tv! Because he’s got form I worry! Before that he was drunk before children at a wedding and got very aggressive!
Totally changes!!
Am I being a total selfish controlling moo? Or would u guys feel alittle worried too! If I knew it was just some golf and that’s it then I wouldn’t care but I just worry about him then drinking too much and then acting like that again! I don’t want to tell him how I’m feeling as I don’t want to be that controlling wife I’m sounding like!
Argh any advice or what you would is welcome but please be kind people!! I had 2 young children too

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 03/03/2022 22:40

People do need to socialise. This guy seems very conscious of your feelings given he has not been out for four years.

People do grow and learn from their mistakes.

Mischance · 03/03/2022 22:44

"Smashed the TV" - for goodness sake - this is not just going out for some fun; this is pathological. You say you want to be a "normal wife" - might be a good plan for him to be a normal man.

TokyoTen · 03/03/2022 22:46

Go to your mum's and leave him to it!

Hellolittlestar · 03/03/2022 22:46

Well, I understand you not liking him getting drunk, but I do think it‘s unreasonable to forbid something like that. He‘s not a wild teenager. He‘s an adult that should know his responsibilities. Have a conversation about what your expectations are (stay with friends or a hotel).

Technosaurus · 03/03/2022 22:46

With that amount of exclamation marks, you are definitely fucking nuts. Calm down and let him have a drink

Jaggerdagger · 03/03/2022 22:47

YABU for saying "hubby"... EURGH!

Crookedman · 03/03/2022 22:48

Just tell him he’s staying in an hotel if you are worried.

AWavyLine · 03/03/2022 22:48

OP, did you talk about his behaviour last time? Does he know you’re concerned?

Yanbu to worry about this. It’s not normal to get so drunk you smash your own telly or become aggressive. Is he aware he does this and do you think he would be able to control himself or drink less if you asked him to?

You’re not being controlling. You’ve received some really odd and childish responses on here. Relationships might be a better board.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 03/03/2022 22:51

It doesn't sound like OP has stopped him from going out in the past considering she hasn't even mentioned her worries about this weekend to him yet.

She is concerned about seeming controlling for feeling the way she does or even bringing it up.

He needs to reassure her. Especially as they have children now.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 03/03/2022 22:59

I don’t think you can tell him what to do tbh

But if he’s an aggressive drunk then I wouldn’t want to be around that either

If he doesn’t want to quit drinking forever then this is gonna keep coming up again and again though

Jewel52 · 03/03/2022 23:05

@GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou

Complaining about exclamation marks is not as witty as some posters seem to think.
Not remotely witty, particularly when it’s just jumping on the band wagon
Blueink · 03/03/2022 23:09

Surprised how many are saying you are being controlling, maybe they are lucky to not have witnessed the type of behaviour you describe. Smashing a TV is not normal. Your concern to protect yourself and your young children from extreme aggression after drinking is.
He hasn’t been out for a while, we have Covid and it’s been by his own choice. You are not being controlling. I would say if he’s going to have alcohol, PP stay at one of the guys places as I’m sure he wouldn’t want you or his children to experience his reaction to alcohol.

Sswhinesthebest · 03/03/2022 23:12

I’d ask him to sleep at a mates or you take the kids to your parents or somewhere.

Girlmumdogmumboymum · 03/03/2022 23:17

Explain your concerns, tell him you're worried because he has form of aggression and things getting broken when he's drunk.

Also explain that you don't like feeling like you're getting in the way of him having a nice time, so you'd like him to meet you halfway by not coming home absolutely steaming, no aggression for you or the kids either.
And go out when he's out.

I'd also suggest having a plan for if he does come home in a state. Maybe mum's for the night with the kids?

newbiename · 03/03/2022 23:23

All those exclamation marks made my eyes hurt !!!!!!!

WomanStanleyWoman · 03/03/2022 23:31

This is no way to live, OP. He hasn’t done anything like this in four years, yet you’re still panicking about it happening again. This suggests you (as a couple) haven’t dealt with these issues properly.

I don’t want to tell him how I’m feeling as I don’t want to be that controlling wife I’m sounding like!

I think you have to accept that he might say or at least hint that you’re being controlling. I don’t think there’s a magic scenario where you can get him not to go without telling him you have concerns.

It doesn’t have to be as rigid as ‘I don’t want you to go’. You could approach it from the angle of ‘I want some reassurance that you’re going to be careful about what you drink tonight. I want to make sure you’re safe - and us too. I don’t want to be woken up by you smashing something.’

WomanStanleyWoman · 03/03/2022 23:33

I cba with being a cool wife who accepts shitty behaviour.

The irony of women using the term ‘cool wife’ to put down other women is that they’re the ones acting superior.

ImAvingOops · 03/03/2022 23:45

I don't feel obliged to defend other women's behaviour, no matter how dire it is. Telling a woman that she's being controlling because she is worried about her husband coming home drunk and smashing up the furniture, is shitty. Pretending that it's no big deal and minimising her legitimate fears is also shitty.

Topseyt · 04/03/2022 00:46

You are not a controlling wife. Your concerns regarding your DH's reaction to alcohol and aggressive behaviour when drunk are perfectly valid.

I can only assume that those telling you that you are being controlling and should simply let him get on with it have never had to deal with an aggressive drunk who smashes things up. I have. My BIL is one. We have no contact now. It is terrifying, and definitely a case of once bitten, twice shy.

Your concerns are valid. He is abusive when drunk. Tell him that bluntly, and with examples. He has to stay at a friend's house or hotel if he is going to drink and if you hear that he has behaved in this way again then you will reconsider whether or not you can continue in a relationship with him.

You can't live like that, always waiting for the next time.

Adeleskirts · 04/03/2022 06:06

@Topseyt

You are not a controlling wife. Your concerns regarding your DH's reaction to alcohol and aggressive behaviour when drunk are perfectly valid.

I can only assume that those telling you that you are being controlling and should simply let him get on with it have never had to deal with an aggressive drunk who smashes things up. I have. My BIL is one. We have no contact now. It is terrifying, and definitely a case of once bitten, twice shy.

Your concerns are valid. He is abusive when drunk. Tell him that bluntly, and with examples. He has to stay at a friend's house or hotel if he is going to drink and if you hear that he has behaved in this way again then you will reconsider whether or not you can continue in a relationship with him.

You can't live like that, always waiting for the next time.

The guys going for a game of golf and possibly a drink after.

How is two events, where he once got aggressive at a wedding and he once smashed the tv, which no one knows if it was on purpose or accidental, means he’s never allowed out again?

What a miserable life.

ImAvingOops · 04/03/2022 06:10

Miserable life for his wife, who can't rely on him to behave like a grown up at social events

TracyMosby · 04/03/2022 06:18

I dont get all the comments here saying op is unreasonable. He is an angry aggressive drunk who loses control. He shouldn't be drinking alcohol at all.

JemimaPiddleDick · 04/03/2022 06:49

It’s a cycle. He doesn’t go out very much so he has a low tolerance for alcohol and limited experience of being drunk. Because of this when he DOES go out he gets utterly shitfaced, because he gets in such a state he seldom goes out.

ImAvingOops · 04/03/2022 07:23

It's not the law though that going out = drink loads. If you know that alcohol makes you a belligerent arsehole, then normal people would not drink, or just have one ir two.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/03/2022 09:48

Laptopsandmouses

No, I’ve never done it drunk, but I’ve done it totally sober, whilst cleaning and standing up too quickly and knocking it.

Is that ok then or shall I call someone for help?“

Completely irrelevant. OP’s husband was drunk.