About leaving the kids? (I think I probably am)

[lifeuphigh]

Last night DH announced that he would like us to get more time as a couple, including 4 weekends away together each year. His parents live quite far away but would be happy to provide childcare.

For some reason the whole thing really stressed me out. The DC are 8, 6 and 3 and I've had 3 nights away from them since the oldest was born, only 1 of which I actually enjoyed. I love going out for the day/evening with DH but for some reason I just don't like the thought of being away from the DC overnight. DH travels a lot for work so he is quite used to being apart from them for extended periods.

I know I should feel grateful that we have the childcare offer, but I don't. Should I give my head a wobble or do other people feel like this too?!

but what about when your kids fly the nest? They may move away from you even emigrate. How would you and your DH cope if your whole relationship has centred around them. Couples do need alone time, kids change the dynamic. You need time together to rediscover each other and reconnect (and not just the odd meal out here and there when you’re still in mummy and daddy role)

We’ll cope fine. We have a really good relationship and I love spending time with him.

At the moment both kids still live with us, but our oldest now spends summers with friends at our other house. He goes to festivals, has been abroad with his friends for the first time recently, he often stays out all night so we’re used to him not being around. We just didn’t enjoy leaving them when they were younger and like it when we’re all at home now.
When the kids were little we didn’t leave them other than for a few hours or a occasionally all day, we’d have days together when they were at school, evenings after they went to bed so plenty of alone time. We’ve never disconnected so don’t need to reconnect. He’s my best friend as well as my partner. Not all couples are the same, you may have needed weekends alone when the kids were little, we didn’t. People are different.

@SleepingStandingUp

Tbf *@YisforWanky, Cookie* said themselves

even when we have been out for the odd meal here and there I'm always worried so always checking on my phone or I'm sending messages to make sure they are OK

Its totally fine if she never wants to go out, but being constantly worried, given their with someone she trusts and this isn't the first time, no history of things going wrong etc, does suggest a level of anxiety (little a)

Ok, that's fair enough, and I'd agree about anxiety with a little a (not least as it's one of my many flaws - but I just get grumpy about people now using Anxiety as a diagnosis, rather than one of someone's (my!) particular quirks...

I must be weird but I love a childfree weekend either with DH or my friends.

@lifeuphigh

maybe instead suggest that you practice by having a weekend away knowing that they are safe and loved with their father first He is constantly encouraging me to book a weekend away with friends. I always decline. Yes he travels a lot, but he's very hands on at home - e.g. will leave the office to be at home for DC's bedtime, then WFH late into the night.

He sounds awesome. He's pulling his weight and trying to encourage the OP to have a life away from her kids.

OP - there is more to you than "mummy". There is nothing wrong with being Susan or Kate for a bit, rather than Ben's mum or Anna's mum. You have childcare you trust - either DH if you go alone, or his parents if you go together.

There is nothing wrong with having time to yourself, or time away as a couple. It's healthy and important for you as an individual, or you as as a couple.

I really don't get the mummy-martyr stuff about not being able to bear being away from your children, ever.

Aw you’re lovely x I keep wondering whether most parents actually resent their children but people like you make it obvious that’s not the case.

My mother had to put me in foster care after my father left us and it messed me up (SA). I think a few weekends would be ok for your children, maybe a compromise would be to do it only once or twice a month... but I always tell people to go with their gut feelings, if you think they won’t be safe without you, I wouldn’t do it. But that’s probably my paranoia about care takers who are secretly abusive. Sorry, OP, for my pointless advice ☹️

Well I guess you are used to being the one who is responsible for the kids care and decisions about it. You are the ‘backstop’.

Whether you need weekends away for yourself or not will you relationship with DH improve? Will you have more to talk about / look forward too?

Will the kids be happy with staying with GP’s?

Well I guess you could try it and see.

Wonder who will pack up all the kids stuff and do all the washing after. Maybe even DH’s stuff. The planning, booking and organising. Wonder if it will feel fun for you or be more exhausting than the status quo.

Fwiw I personally love family weekends at home. I’ve never felt the desire to have a weekend away from them.

I agree with his principle but what he wants in practice sounds too much. I'd start with one night and see how that feels after you've done that a couple of times.

@tootiredtospeak

Just compromise 2 weekends away maybe one in each half of the year. I think as they get older you will really appreciate it and they will get used to being away from you which is good for their development when it comes to school trips away ect

This! Sorry OP, don’t know where I got 1 weekend a month from, if you think that’s too often, do this. You do what you want to do though! I think it’s lovely to see mothers who love their children this much, and want to not miss a moment.

Many parents do the opposite and when they get older they regret it and act like entitled children sometimes, forgetting that they trained you to be ‘independent’ (too much, too soon)

It’s the cat in the cradle situation and it’s heartbreaking to go through.

@LuckySantangelo35 I'm not really sure what comment of mine you're replying too. I haven't said people shouldn't leave their kids

I was like you OP. My marriage went to shit and now I'm away from my kids for half the week.

U need to ask why he feels you both need this time away?
I don't think he is being unreasonable at all.
If anything compromising and going away for a weekend twice is year is hardly anything, your kids are at grandparents, what is that actual problem? Sound more like your insecurities than an actual concern that your kids wont be safe. Let them have fun. Give your dh a break away with u, it's not asking for much, an average 3 year old can cope quite happily with granny for a night especially with FaceTime etc these days.
As someone else says, you may find yourself in a worse case scenario when uz doing contacts at the weekend instead.

Each to their own but I have always enjoyed breaks away from my children with my husband.

I love family holidays but I also enjoy adult time. It's very possible to do both.

And the kids will love spending time being spoiled by grandparents.

I'm exactly the same as you! I hate being away from my DS.

I wish we'd been able to do this.

It can't just be about what you want for your family or relationship; it has to be about what he wants and needs, too.

Needs.

You have a sensible, reliable childcare offer. You should take advantage of it and ensure your marriage stays strong. It's important to do this for your children and to model it as well.

Have a head wobble,marriages need time too!
Especially as your dh is away a lot,a chance to keep connected,be yourselves,is fantastic
Probably you spend so much time with your dc you are more connected to them ?
Go,have fun and thoroughly enjoy every minute.💐🌈

Sorry NRTFT so apologies if I’m repeating.

Do you not like leaving them because you miss them, are worried they’re in danger (even if it’s just anxiety) or because of mum guilt?

Are you a SAHP?

I absolutely think if people get the chance they should have nights away - not just so you have some time for yourself but I think it’s healthy for kids to have a break too.
And there’s nothing more fun than having a sleepover at grandma and grandpa’s.

@PinkSyCo

It is all very suffocating. Let your children develop a little bit of independence. Let them breathe. They will cope just fine without you for 8 nights out if 365. Or is that the fear. Do you not want them to be just fine without you because you must be the very centre of their world.

Why is OP not spending nights away from her kids suffocating then and impacting on their independence? Don’t be so dramatic. The kids go to school/nursery presumably. OP goes for evenings out without them. It’s not like the kids are tied to her apron strings 24/7. Implying that OP is a bad mother for not wanting to spend weekends apart from the DCs is ridiculous and unfair.

While it might be might be normal for some parents not to want to leave young children I don't think it's particularly normal to constantly worry that they're not okay when you've left them with people you trust. I think that's where the anxiety comments are coming from.

@DoorWasAJar

Aw you’re lovely x I keep wondering whether most parents actually resent their children but people like you make it obvious that’s not the case.

My mother had to put me in foster care after my father left us and it messed me up (SA). I think a few weekends would be ok for your children, maybe a compromise would be to do it only once or twice a month... but I always tell people to go with their gut feelings, if you think they won’t be safe without you, I wouldn’t do it. But that’s probably my paranoia about care takers who are secretly abusive. Sorry, OP, for my pointless advice ☹️

@DoorWasAJar you can want time alone with your DH, weekends away leaving the kids with the loving grandparents and not resent your kids, ffs.

Sorry @SleepingStandingUp, my comment was in response to @ChoiceMummy

I'm not really sure what comment of mine you're replying too. I haven't said people shouldn't leave their kids

The thread seems to be full of people saying the opposite. People desperate to tell others that they have to leave their kids or their relationship is doomed and their kids won’t be independent when they’re older. It’s possible to have a good relationship with your partner without leaving your kids. I don’t know why there had to be such a divide over this, just do whatever works for you, as long as kids are safe and parents are happy.

I keep wondering whether most parents actually resent their children but people like you make it obvious that’s not the case.

Wanting (and enjoying) a weekend away with your husband or partner doesn't mean you resent your kids!!
What an insulting thing to say!

My son usually spends one night a month at his Grandmas, its brilliant, he has a great time, she enjoys having him and I escape hearing “but daddy” every second. Shes staying with us once a month instead at the moment, so we get a full night sleep, bliss.

Sheesh I must be an awful mother! Have read the first page and everyone seems to be saying they wouldn’t like to leave their kids but I’d love it. You’re so lucky to have that option. I’d bite the grandparents arms off to be able to spend overnight fun time with my DH. We used to have such a carefree life, chatting, bar hopping etc. we still do that but it’s very, very rare.

My parents went away every year overnight for their anniversary. My Grans looked after us & we absolutely loved it. We got spoiled rotten by the grannies 😂

My brother & SIL have had overnight trips since my nieces were babies & have enjoyed the time away & my parents loved babysitting

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Go for an overnight & see how you all get on. It'll probably do you all good