About leaving the kids? (I think I probably am)

[lifeuphigh]

Last night DH announced that he would like us to get more time as a couple, including 4 weekends away together each year. His parents live quite far away but would be happy to provide childcare.

For some reason the whole thing really stressed me out. The DC are 8, 6 and 3 and I've had 3 nights away from them since the oldest was born, only 1 of which I actually enjoyed. I love going out for the day/evening with DH but for some reason I just don't like the thought of being away from the DC overnight. DH travels a lot for work so he is quite used to being apart from them for extended periods.

I know I should feel grateful that we have the childcare offer, but I don't. Should I give my head a wobble or do other people feel like this too?!

I don’t know how people can live never being relaxed if their children aren’t with them. No judgement at all but it must be horrible to go away for a lovely weekend or event and spend the whole time worrying. Is it because you don’t trust who you leave them with? Or they get upset whenever you leave them for any reason? My kids run back without a look so I never worry.

It wasn’t horrible because we chose not to do it knowing we wouldn’t like it. 😂 We just preferred us all to be together, still do now and kids are older. People are different.

@Hobbitfeet32

Enjoying time away from you children does not make you a bad parent. Try thinking of it from the point of view of the children, they may love a weekend with grandparents. When I was growing I really enjoyed going to stay with mine. It also helped me grow up to realise that my parents also have a life and a relationship that needs to be looked after. Me and my brothers often stayed wigg the relatives or did trips separately with a parent. Life doesn’t have to be so prescriptive, you are still entitled to have a life despite having children.

My 2 brothers and I stayed with our grandparents every school holiday from when my youngest brother was 3. They are some if the happiest times of my life. My parents were very busy with life. My grandparents had endless time and patience for the 3 of us. It takes many, many people to raise a fully rounded child. Everyone in the family has different skills and interests and knowledge. Let them share it with your children. You never know what it will spark. You are not just a mum. You are a woman with a husband. Allow yourselves time as a couple. It's massively important. It also means that when they leave for Uni you and your husband have had practise at being a couple for years and years. Just being parents and excluding every other part of your life doesn't make you a better parent. Allowing your children to experience things without you does.

@lifeuphigh

Last night DH announced that he would like us to get more time as a couple, including 4 weekends away together each year. His parents live quite far away but would be happy to provide childcare.

For some reason the whole thing really stressed me out. The DC are 8, 6 and 3 and I've had 3 nights away from them since the oldest was born, only 1 of which I actually enjoyed. I love going out for the day/evening with DH but for some reason I just don't like the thought of being away from the DC overnight. DH travels a lot for work so he is quite used to being apart from them for extended periods.

I know I should feel grateful that we have the childcare offer, but I don't. Should I give my head a wobble or do other people feel like this too?!

I think this is really wonderfull. It amounts to your dh expressing that he wants to spend time with you, alone. As a man and woman rather than a dad and mum.

Not only, but he has tried to work out how to achieve that in a way that could put your mind at ease - the children staying with his parents.

I would grab that with both hands.

You can start small - one night here and there and work up to a weekend.

You have a good'un!!

I agree with @thisplaceisweird that it's lovely that he wants and appreciates time with you as a couple.

I can see that moving to four weeks a year seems alot when you haven't done it before, but perhaps start with two a year and see how it goes?

My DH and I are on the opposite end of the spectrum in that our families have never offered to look after our DC overnight, so we've only had one night away as a couple (paid our long-term babysitter to stay the night) since our eldest was born....and she's nearly 17!

We still laugh about it as it was a complete disaster. We'd booked dinner and tickets to a wonderful show, but our train was massively delayed so we had to run from the station to catch the beginning of the performance. Missed dinner and nowhere was open afterwards to eat. Next morning it rained. Then the train was delayed on the way home, and we had to ask friends to collect our DC from school and look after the DC until we arrived!

That's every 12 weeks not being around for the weekend and dumping the children hours away. otherwise known 8 out of 365 days. Not quite so dramatic written like that. Also, do you really consider their grandparents caring for them as them being "dumped" somewhere? I'm sorry your relationship with your extended family is so poor.

But I want family time, otherwise why have children? well I also send them to school, lots of people have a job, I go out for coffee without them and to the cinema alone. Geez, I guess I just love mine less than you do @ChoiceMummy 🙄

I would enjoy one night away with DP, but two would be too many.

In fact tonight is my first ever night away from my baby (16 months) and it was necessary for work. I'm fine today, will probably be tonight and enjoy the uninterrupted sleep, but tomorrow I'll really miss him and be desperate to get home.

[quote Cookiecrumble22]**@Cookiecrumble22 I’m sorry you had this experience . How did you cope with no time at all just as a couple or just time for you?
What do you mean about messages

@luckySantangelo35 it's just never crossed my mind to go away for a night or 2. But even when we have been out for the odd meal here and there I'm always worried so always checking on my phone or I'm sending messages to make sure they are OK.[/quote]
@Cookiecrumble22 did you seek help for your anxiety?

@SpinsForGin

But even when we have been out for the odd meal here and there I'm always worried so always checking on my phone or I'm sending messages to make sure they are OK.

Why wouldn't they be okay?

There is no logic reason they would not be. Its just a me thing .

@lifeuphigh is there an issue with not wanting alone time with DH? If your relationship isn't great or there's a lack of intimacy and then he's excepting you to spend the weekend naked I can see why it might feel a bit artificial.

If it's genuinely just about the kids, I'd try and find a compromise. Use one night you're at his parents or extend by a night a d pick somewhere nearby. One night, be there for dinner and then brunch. Then slowly extend it each time by an hour or so

I’d take it as him saying he wants regular adult time with you. That’s a good thing. I’d do adult things so you aren’t thinking the kids would have loved this. There’s nice options not just fancy hotels. Book a cottage with a hot tub or a gastro pub with rooms. What did you enjoy when you were dating, I’d do that eg going to see a band.

It is all very suffocating. Let your children develop a little bit of independence. Let them breathe. They will cope just fine without you for 8 nights out if 365. Or is that the fear. Do you not want them to be just fine without you because you must be the very centre of their world.

We used to leave ours from baby stage. The DC enjoyed being away and having something new to tell us.
One set of GPs lived in a city so they went on a bus into town for shops or to that library which was so much bigger than in our village.
It was the start of growing up and seeing how other people lived.
You should give them those little adventures.
If you can organise it for the eldest to be away without the little ones, that is another big adventure.

@daisyjgrey

But now I can't imagine going away without them and just with DH. It would feel really really odd.

Bodes well for when your children leave home.

Also a bit sad that you can't imagine just hanging out with DH and doing you and DH stuff. In this fantasy land where we have overnight childcare (we have two hours in the day soon for our anniversary and that's AMAZING!) we'd eat a nice meal slowly, go to the cinema TOGETHER instead of consecutively, have a drink, go for a walk. No one trying to eat my meal. No one talking through the movie or needing a wee. Not having to worry if one of us is sober. No one asking when we're going home. I love my kids but I actually like DH too

Do you currently go out for meals and events as a couple, OP? If you're not comfortable leaving them overnight, perhaps finding a babysitter so you can go out locally for a couple of hours every month might be a good compromise.

DH and I did this when ours were younger. Now they're teens and we don't need a babysitter, it's even easier! It really doesn't affect having time as a family as well.

@Cookiecrumble22 why wouldn’t they be ok? Have you ever sought help for your anxiety?

It is all very suffocating. Let your children develop a little bit of independence. Let them breathe. They will cope just fine without you for 8 nights out if 365. Or is that the fear. Do you not want them to be just fine without you because you must be the very centre of their world.

🙄 Have your actually read OPs posts?

@BuyDirt

I don’t know how people can live never being relaxed if their children aren’t with them. No judgement at all but it must be horrible to go away for a lovely weekend or event and spend the whole time worrying. Is it because you don’t trust who you leave them with? Or they get upset whenever you leave them for any reason? My kids run back without a look so I never worry.

It wasn’t horrible because we chose not to do it knowing we wouldn’t like it. 😂 We just preferred us all to be together, still do now and kids are older. People are different.

@BuyDirt but what about when your kids fly the nest? They may move away from you even emigrate. How would you and your DH cope if your whole relationship has centred around them. Couples do need alone time, kids change the dynamic. You need time together to rediscover each other and reconnect (and not just the odd meal out here and there when you’re still in mummy and daddy role)

@AngelinaFibres

It is all very suffocating. Let your children develop a little bit of independence. Let them breathe. They will cope just fine without you for 8 nights out if 365. Or is that the fear. Do you not want them to be just fine without you because you must be the very centre of their world.

It's suffocating to not leave an 8, 6 and 3 year old over night?? You realise lots of families never even have the option at these ages?

OP, you sound very nice and very sensible. I think you're right to consider this from your DH's point of view (though I didn't leave mine overnight at those ages, and nothing would have persuaded me to do so - though I didn't have any desire to be alone with XH either, so that might have played a role).

Would you be able to enjoy it (or fake enjoyment of it) if you went ahead?

Also wonder why everyone is diagnosing @Cookiecrumble22 as "having anxiety". It's perfectly normal not to want to leave young children overnight. It's also perfectly normal to want a break from them if you have someone you trust to look after them. Not wanting to do this isn't a medical syndrome.

It is all very suffocating. Let your children develop a little bit of independence. Let them breathe. They will cope just fine without you for 8 nights out if 365. Or is that the fear. Do you not want them to be just fine without you because you must be the very centre of their world.

Why is OP not spending nights away from her kids suffocating then and impacting on their independence? Don’t be so dramatic. The kids go to school/nursery presumably. OP goes for evenings out without them. It’s not like the kids are tied to her apron strings 24/7. Implying that OP is a bad mother for not wanting to spend weekends apart from the DCs is ridiculous and unfair.

I would want to know what has pre emted him to feel this way? He spends a fair but if time away from your children already. Has there been a disconnect between you both recently, any issues?

I've spent one night away from mine aged 4 and 3 at the time and I didn't sleep a wink whereas my dh snored away. I'd gone to my aunts funeral. They are nearly 6, 4 and I have a 6 month old now. I'm uncomfortable spending the night away from them, daytime is fine, I love a facial or afternoon tea, trip to the cinema but I prefer to have my kids close. I'd prefer family holidays where we can all go away but I don't feel the need to have a break from them and enjoy the mess, bickering, softplay, kids activities, noise etc. We don't have any family support in taking care of the kids and now I have 3 I think it is too much to ask of my mil so the kids just come with us. You could always try it and you might find you enjoy it. Yours are that bit older too so it might be nice to consider it a treat and at least if they are with your mil they will presumably be safe and well looked after.

Parents that work away are used to being away from their kids for stretches at a time and are used to handing over sole care of them to their partner. Perhaps they don't really appreciate that one of the side effects of this is that the parent who is at home all the time gets used to being with their kids 24/7, meeting their every need largely by themselves and not really ever handing over the reins to someone else, so it is a lot more of a break from the norm from them to then leave them to it for a night/weekend which can feel weird.

Tbf @YisforWanky, Cookie said themselves

even when we have been out for the odd meal here and there I'm always worried so always checking on my phone or I'm sending messages to make sure they are OK

Its totally fine if she never wants to go out, but being constantly worried, given their with someone she trusts and this isn't the first time, no history of things going wrong etc, does suggest a level of anxiety (little a)

@SleepingStandingUp not having the option to do it is completely different to OPs situation. A few PPs have said they don’t have the opportunity to leave their children overnight with grandparents but would have no hesitation in doing so and would love the break!
Honestly people need to let their hair down and let their keeps develop some independence from them. What if the child grows up and emigrates for example, don’t know how some on here would ever cope!