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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About leaving the kids? (I think I probably am)

428 replies

lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 12:21

Last night DH announced that he would like us to get more time as a couple, including 4 weekends away together each year. His parents live quite far away but would be happy to provide childcare.

For some reason the whole thing really stressed me out. The DC are 8, 6 and 3 and I've had 3 nights away from them since the oldest was born, only 1 of which I actually enjoyed. I love going out for the day/evening with DH but for some reason I just don't like the thought of being away from the DC overnight. DH travels a lot for work so he is quite used to being apart from them for extended periods.

I know I should feel grateful that we have the childcare offer, but I don't. Should I give my head a wobble or do other people feel like this too?!

OP posts:
changmynameasoversharing · 03/03/2022 17:46

when you're on next year complaining youre marriage is in bits remember your husband tried !

Original poster
lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 17:46

@SpinsForGin The anxiety comments aren’t about me (the OP), they’re about another poster.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 03/03/2022 17:47

@StrictlySinging

Fwiw I personally love family weekends at home. I’ve never felt the desire to have a weekend away from them.
@StrictlySinging Really? No judgment just genuinely fascinated! Do you not miss things that you can do on adult weekends away like going to pubs and having a long leisurely boozy lunches, going for afternoon drinks with friends and letting your hair down without having to worry about getting home to put kids to bed, spend all day shagging, go to cinema to see a non-pg film, having a day shopping, or going to the gym or a fitness class, spa day or staying in a fancy child free hotel. Do you not miss that kind of thing?
Electriq · 03/03/2022 17:48

We do 1 weekend away a year and a few nights out, 4 weekends I would love, but I would feel like I was putting a burden on those around me and my kids, who are much older than yours.

FinallyHere · 03/03/2022 17:49

Once every three months seems quite a modest ambition to me.

Think

bellabasset · 03/03/2022 17:52

I think the dcs will enjoy spending time with your MIL and then telling you all about their holiday. It's a good idea to have some time away but possibly start with one night.

BuyDirt · 03/03/2022 17:55

Really? No judgment just genuinely fascinated! Do you not miss things that you can do on adult weekends away like going to pubs and having a long leisurely boozy lunches, going for afternoon drinks with friends and letting your hair down without having to worry about getting home to put kids to bed, spend all day shagging, go to cinema to see a non-pg film, having a day shopping, or going to the gym or a fitness class, spa day or staying in a fancy child free hotel. Do you not miss that kind of thing?

You can do most of those things without leaving your kids overnight, just by leaving them for a few hours or a day. Fair enough you can’t both get really pissed but you can have a few drinks, go out and get pissed with friends without rushing home cos you’re partner is capable of looking after the kids, a full day shagging, cinema, gym, fitness as, spa day. Friends/grandparents can have kids for a day or when they’re at school. 🤷🏻‍♀️

LadyWhistledownsPen · 03/03/2022 17:56

I'd jump at the chance to have 1 weekend away with my husband. My kids are 4 and 1 and we've not had a night away since October 2019

Original poster
lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 17:56

Do you not miss things that you can do on adult weekends away like going to pubs and having a long leisurely boozy lunches, going for afternoon drinks with friends and letting your hair down without having to worry about getting home to put kids to bed, spend all day shagging, go to cinema to see a non-pg film, having a day shopping, or going to the gym or a fitness class, spa day or staying in a fancy child free hotel. Do you not miss that kind of thing?

I know you were asking someone else but for me, no! I don’t miss any of those things one bit whatsoever. (I didn’t like some of them before I had kids either which probably helps Smile)

OP posts:
SpinsForGin · 03/03/2022 18:02

[quote lifeuphigh]@SpinsForGin The anxiety comments aren’t about me (the OP), they’re about another poster.[/quote]
I know.

SpinsForGin · 03/03/2022 18:04

I think my comment ended up under different post than I intended.

Original poster
lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 18:05

@SpinsForGin

I think my comment ended up under different post than I intended.
I think it did Smile
OP posts:
DoorWasAJar · 03/03/2022 18:07

@LuckySantangelo35 Why do you feel the need to be hostile to me? I just said I was sexually abused in foster care and that informs my perception. Sorry you don’t like how I see the world, I guess Hmm

BuyDirt · 03/03/2022 18:14

Why do you feel the need to be hostile to me? I just said I was sexually abused in foster care and that informs my perception. Sorry you don’t like how I see the world, I guess

Don’t let it bother you. Some people are getting very defensive of their take on this, questioning anyone who isn’t desperate to get away from their children. If there’re so happy with their relationships and weekends away, I wonder why they’re so bothered what others are doing. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry to hear what you’ve been through, it’s completely understandable that you would want your children close. I hope you’re ok.

BuyDirt · 03/03/2022 18:15

they’re

Original poster
lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 18:19

@DoorWasAJar I’m sorry you had such a difficult childhood Flowers Mine wasn’t anywhere near as tough as yours but my Mum died when I was little, maybe that’s partly informing how I feel. That plus I just really, really enjoy my kids’ company.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 18:19

@BuyDirt You’ve had a bit of a hard time on here too… your marriage and family sound wonderful.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 03/03/2022 18:24

@BuyDirt Tbf there's a fair amount of "why do you need to leave your kids? I don't understand why you don't love them enough to never want a second away from them" too. It's always going to make people feel defensive of their choices. Agree each has to find what works for them.

BoredZelda · 03/03/2022 18:25

Lol you can prioritise your kids and still have a life you know! Investing some time in your relationship does not mean that you don’t love and care for your kids

"Lol" you can still invest in your relationship without taking 4 weekends a year away from them, on top of already being away from them for work.

I wonder how people who can't afford 4 weekends away a year manage to raise their kids and keep their relationship going. This insistence that a relationship can only survive if the adults spend large amounts of time away from their children is a modern phenomenon.

LavenderBlue95 · 03/03/2022 18:27

I think it's personal preference. If you're not comfortable doing it that doesn't make you unreasonable at all. My parents never left us and none of my siblings or I feel comfortable leaving our children either. It's what we're used to and what we're comfortable with.

BoredZelda · 03/03/2022 18:27

Oddly enough I dislike being away from him more now he's older, I think because I enjoy his company more now than I did during the relentless toddler years!

Same. My daughter is an absolutely joy to spend time with. Why would I want to do less of that?

SpinsForGin · 03/03/2022 18:29

That plus I just really, really enjoy my kids’ company.

So do I!

Wanting a weekend away doesn't mean I don't enjoy being with DS!

MajorCarolDanvers · 03/03/2022 18:31

how people who can't afford 4 weekends away a year manage

Staycations

BuyDirt · 03/03/2022 18:38

You’ve had a bit of a hard time on here too… your marriage and family sound wonderful.

Thank you. Neither me of my partner felt very valued as children by our parents and like you say, experiences in our childhoods do have an impact on the decisions we make as parents.

I’m sorry you lost your mum when you were a child and I’m sure that absolutely plays a part in you wanting to not be apart from your own children too much. I hope your husband is understanding of that. Flowers Hopefully you can come to a compromise with your husband.

Geranium1984 · 03/03/2022 18:56

I'd be worried but my boy is quite young and MIL not very capable 🤣
Do you think the grandparents could come to yours to look after them for a night while you went somewhere not too far away? Then they'd be in their own home instead of somewhere strange.
I feel like the 8 and the 6yo would be fine and the 3yo would be comforted massively by siblings if they got a bit worried or things weren't done as usual.