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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About leaving the kids? (I think I probably am)

428 replies

lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 12:21

Last night DH announced that he would like us to get more time as a couple, including 4 weekends away together each year. His parents live quite far away but would be happy to provide childcare.

For some reason the whole thing really stressed me out. The DC are 8, 6 and 3 and I've had 3 nights away from them since the oldest was born, only 1 of which I actually enjoyed. I love going out for the day/evening with DH but for some reason I just don't like the thought of being away from the DC overnight. DH travels a lot for work so he is quite used to being apart from them for extended periods.

I know I should feel grateful that we have the childcare offer, but I don't. Should I give my head a wobble or do other people feel like this too?!

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 03/03/2022 15:18

YABU. It’s important to have time as a couple, but just as parents. Your DH is asking for that. I really do think you need to give your head a wobble, as you say, and go. It gets easier the more you do it, and will be good for your DCs too.

MammaMacgill87 · 03/03/2022 15:22

I know it sounds precious but my kids are 12/10/5&4 I have not ever spent a more than a night away and the nights I have I've been a few doors down. That's just the way I am, and personally I'd feel very pressured by the offer or childcare and hubby saying 'we are going away'. I wouldn't relax I wouldn't enjoy it and I definitely wouldn't feel romantic or happy. Again that's just me and everyone is different. I understand why people do it, I understand for some families that works out very well for everyone, and in reality I bet my kids wouldn't bat an eye at me being away for a weekend either. But I'm afraid I'm on your side here and I just wouldn't enjoy it at all.
Having said all that, you do really never know? Maybe you could go away a few time and absolutely love it! Maybe it would be great to reconnect with hubby and the kids probably would have a great time too. You never know, so maybe give it a couple shots and see how it works out, I'd be honest with hubby tho, about how you feel. He needs to know it's not that you don't want to spend time with him just that you don't enjoy leaving the kids, alot of men misread that as you don't want them rather than I don't want to leave the kids

1forAll74 · 03/03/2022 15:26

When I had younger children many years ago, myself and late Husband never had the need to have any weekends away from the children at all,, and to just have other people to look after them. It usually would have meant looking after a dog and cats too, But we never talked about needing a break from the children.

daisyjgrey · 03/03/2022 15:30

But now I can't imagine going away without them and just with DH. It would feel really really odd.

Bodes well for when your children leave home.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/03/2022 15:31

@MammaMacgill87

I know it sounds precious but my kids are 12/10/5&4 I have not ever spent a more than a night away and the nights I have I've been a few doors down. That's just the way I am, and personally I'd feel very pressured by the offer or childcare and hubby saying 'we are going away'. I wouldn't relax I wouldn't enjoy it and I definitely wouldn't feel romantic or happy. Again that's just me and everyone is different. I understand why people do it, I understand for some families that works out very well for everyone, and in reality I bet my kids wouldn't bat an eye at me being away for a weekend either. But I'm afraid I'm on your side here and I just wouldn't enjoy it at all. Having said all that, you do really never know? Maybe you could go away a few time and absolutely love it! Maybe it would be great to reconnect with hubby and the kids probably would have a great time too. You never know, so maybe give it a couple shots and see how it works out, I'd be honest with hubby tho, about how you feel. He needs to know it's not that you don't want to spend time with him just that you don't enjoy leaving the kids, alot of men misread that as you don't want them rather than I don't want to leave the kids
@MammaMacgill87 why wouldn’t you enjoy it do you think? Presumably you enjoyed time with your partner and weekends away etc pre-kids? So why not post-kids?
TobyMory · 03/03/2022 15:32

I would love this. Have always left mine when they were young. Much harder to get a break now they are teens. Can’t see why you wouldn’t go personally .

Katela18 · 03/03/2022 15:39

I'd say you are both reasonable tbh. Noone here is being unreasonable.

Its valid that you want to be around your children, and want to include them in time away etc. That's the point in having them to enjoy being a family.

But your husband is also valid to want more time as a couple rather than as mum and dad. And its important for the relationship to do that.

Personally I don't think 4 times per year is a lot if it's only 1 night, different if it was 3-4 nights each time. Our DD2 goes to Grandmas for a sleepover roughly every other month. She loves it and is thoroughly spoilt and we get time to reconnect. We do have a very strong relationship and I think this helps in our case.

But perhaps it's about compromise, you of course need to feel comfortable so maybe just build up to it. But its also important that your hubby feels heard and like his needs are important too..

PliqueAjour · 03/03/2022 15:39

I think it's a shame that you don't want time alone with your husband. Our DC are adults now and we're grandparents, and when they were young we always made an effort to have some time away every year just the 2 of us. My inlaws were great with the kids - taking them away for little trips in their caravan - and the DC loved it.

I have to say, in our circle of friends, who we've known 25+ years, it's becoming obvious now all of our DC have flown which couples still have a connection, and it's generally those who maintained that one on one connection. I've noticed the couples who avoided alone time when their DC were young now only want to go on holiday with other couples. It's like they can't see the point of being away just the 2 of them, or they're scared to be alone with their partner because the only thing they had in common was the kids.

Susu49 · 03/03/2022 15:43

I think your husband is trying to make an effort with positive suggestions and actually sounds really lovely. Of course you don't have to agree to it but as you've acknowledged some compromise would be good. I think you can use it to open up a conversation about spending more adult time together and the various ways you might do this.

rosesarenaff · 03/03/2022 15:43

I would feel the same as you.

I have no problem leaving the kids, I do it often for work, nights out here and there etc. I nearly always leave them with DP. I do have family that can look after them but I find it stressful as I have to tidy all the house, pack everything up, and I always feel on call and not able to fully relax whilst they are away. I prefer and find it less stressful to take them with me

Bornsloppy · 03/03/2022 15:48

I'd be biting his hand off. We have a couple of nights away from our (younger) children each year and it makes such a difference. Kids enjoying being with their GPs and we get to enjoy more, ahem, adult pursuits. Wink

We often go to a hotel about an hour's drive away with a swimming pool, nice but not mega swanky rooms, lovely pub down the road for a meal and drinks without clock watching to make sure we're back to relieve whoever is baby sitting.

BuyDirt · 03/03/2022 15:50

I think it's a shame that you don't want time alone with your husband.

It’s not necessarily that. Just that you don’t want to leave your kids. It’s a shame that so many people feel disconnected from their partners when they have children. Having children made us so much closer and we still spent lots of time together with and without the kids. Our relationship has never required much effort, it just works but maybe that’s weird. Maybe I’ve got it all wrong and he’ll just announce he’s leaving one day over his cornflakes. 😬

OVienna · 03/03/2022 15:52

Four weekends or long weekends which include a day off? I think it's reasonable to do four weekends, as in Friday to Sunday. I probably be wary of using four holiday days for that but once you get started you may find you really enjoy it.

I have always worked full time and I see what you mean about being a bit Hmm on your husband suggesting having more time away voluntarily from the children when he already travels a lot.

I'd want to know a little more about what sparked the suggestion as well.

Also, I know you say your parents would be happy to watch three kids, and maybe they would be. But I wonder if there could be a diminishing level of enthusiasm once you were on trip three in the same year, for example. What then?

Cissyandflora · 03/03/2022 15:52

It might be exciting and fun for the children to go to their grandparents. I’d have taken up any offer like that personally. We haven’t had grandparents around. But equally lovely that you don’t desperately want to get away from them!

billy1966 · 03/03/2022 15:58

Compromise is what is needed here.

Would you go away overnight, close by his parents house, when the children have been dropped there as part of a visit to them?

Leaving around dinner time and returning at lunch time?

A mini break.

I must admit while I had the odd one night away, we never both went away until the children were all well into their teens.

Loved it then!

PinkSyCo · 03/03/2022 15:58

You can’t be expected to agree to go away, without your kids, 4 weekends per year when you’ve never been apart from them since they were born. That’s a crazy amount of pressure your DH is putting on you! I do think you should give it a try though when you feel ready. Start slowly by maybe staying over somewhere just the one night. You never know you might just enjoy it and hopefully your kids will enjoy running rings around their grandparents too. Smile

Cookiecrumble22 · 03/03/2022 15:59

@Cookiecrumble22 I’m sorry you had this experience . How did you cope with no time at all just as a couple or just time for you?
What do you mean about messages

@luckySantangelo35 it's just never crossed my mind to go away for a night or 2. But even when we have been out for the odd meal here and there I'm always worried so always checking on my phone or I'm sending messages to make sure they are OK.

Original poster
lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 16:00

Is it not wanting to be away from the kids or not wanting to be alone with your DH? Or both?

It’s not wanting to be away from the kids. As I said, I really enjoy going out with DH for a day or an evening when we have childcare. I’m very happy to be alone with him! I just really don’t like sleeping somewhere different to the DC. Our oldest goes for sleepovers at friends’ houses which I of course totally support but I still feel like there’s a big absence in the house when she’s not there. I like it when we are all under one roof at night time, I think that’s what it comes down to. But I do respect that he feels differently.

OP posts:
rwalker · 03/03/2022 16:07

I think this is why so many couples run into trouble they lose each other and just become mum and dad .
To be blunt it's not all about you GP have a ball kids have a ball DH has a ball . Instead you want them with you doing same old same old

SpinsForGin · 03/03/2022 16:13

But even when we have been out for the odd meal here and there I'm always worried so always checking on my phone or I'm sending messages to make sure they are OK.

Why wouldn't they be okay?

Arabellla · 03/03/2022 16:13

Maybe you are stressed because you have to plan and pack for the kids?

MattHancocksPrivateNurse · 03/03/2022 16:15

I don’t know how people can live never being relaxed if their children aren’t with them. No judgement at all but it must be horrible to go away for a lovely weekend or event and spend the whole time worrying. Is it because you don’t trust who you leave them with? Or they get upset whenever you leave them for any reason? My kids run back without a look so I never worry.

AiryFairy1 · 03/03/2022 16:15

I feel the same @lifeuphigh, although I have recently booked them on a 3 night residential camp in the summer - will be the longest we’ve ever been apart 🥺 but I think it’ll be really great for them and us (I keep telling myself 😱😅)

SpinsForGin · 03/03/2022 16:18

@BuyDirt

I think it's a shame that you don't want time alone with your husband.

It’s not necessarily that. Just that you don’t want to leave your kids. It’s a shame that so many people feel disconnected from their partners when they have children. Having children made us so much closer and we still spent lots of time together with and without the kids. Our relationship has never required much effort, it just works but maybe that’s weird. Maybe I’ve got it all wrong and he’ll just announce he’s leaving one day over his cornflakes. 😬

I don't think it's about feeling disconnected when you have children. It's a different dynamic when you have some adult only time. It doesn't mean one is better than the other but variety is the spice of life as they say!

We do very different things when we go away on our own, things we wouldn't/couldn't do with DS in tow.

thisplaceisweird · 03/03/2022 16:21

@WouldBeGood

YABU. It’s important to have time as a couple, but just as parents. Your DH is asking for that. I really do think you need to give your head a wobble, as you say, and go. It gets easier the more you do it, and will be good for your DCs too.
What I came to say.

It's lovely that he wants time just with you - cherish that and honour it!