Page 12 | About leaving the kids? (I think I probably am)

lifeuphigh · 2022-03-03T12:21:04+00:00

Last night DH announced that he would like us to get more time as a couple, including 4 weekends away together each year. His parents live quite far away but would be happy to provide childcare. For some reason the whole thing really stressed me out. The DC are 8, 6 and 3 and I've had 3 nights away from them since the oldest was born, only 1 of which I actually enjoyed. I love going out for the day/evening with DH but for some reason I just don't like the thought of being away from the DC overnight. DH travels a lot for work so he is quite used to being apart from them for extended periods. I know I should feel grateful that we have the childcare offer, but I don't. Should I give my head a wobble or do other people feel like this too?!

YisforWanky · 03/03/2022 21:28

@SpinsForGin

You do nothing very much with your early 20s, become a SAHM for 25 years, then feel too old to do anything!

I think this kind of relates to the other point you made about knowing how you want to organise your life. I knew that being a SAHM was not a choice I was going to make. I also knew that I wanted my children to spend time with grandparents in the same way I did.
I was only ever going to have children with someone who felt the same way.

I know it's not always that simple as life doesn't always go to plan but regular adult time and weekends away feature highly on our list of priorities. That's not to say we don't prioritise DS - believe me, he's a lucky boy!

Yes - maybe forethought is the key to this. I just drifted into a career in academia, then drifted out of it to become a SAHM (which I loved). And am now drifting into wondering why I gave up my career and life, despite being not sorry that I gave up either!

SpinsForGin · 03/03/2022 21:33

Yes - maybe forethought is the key to this. I just drifted into a career in academia, then drifted out of it to become a SAHM (which I loved). And am now drifting into wondering why I gave up my career and life, despite being not sorry that I gave up either!

I'm an academic.... it is tough to manage with a young family!! Homeschooling while trying teach was interesting 😂😂 I'm still not sure I've recovered!

There's always time to find a new passion. I'm a qualified careers adviser so I'm a huge advocate of finding something you love doing whatever your age or circumstances ❤️

BuyDirt · 03/03/2022 21:34

Everyday is a step closer to becoming independent for children so if there are opportunities where they can be cared for by other trustworthy adults we have a responsibility to allow them those opportunities to develop themselves and not to restrict this based on parental needs.

My children didn’t want to stay at anyone’s house til they were 5 and 6. And that was at different times so we never had a night without both kids til they were much older. We offered them the opportunity to do it before, but they didn’t want to.

I don’t believe children have to learn overnight independence that young. As long as they can cope with school, everything else away from us was optional other than if we had medical appointments or something like that.

It didn’t stop my kids from becoming independent, one went on a weeks residential at 10 with school, they have both been to sleepovers, our oldest had weeks away without us from 16. Our youngest has been away without us, with friends.

I didn’t base it on my needs at all. I prefer not to leave my children, but they have taken up any opportunity they’ve wanted in terms of time away from us. Not leaving them when they’re young really isn’t an issue.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/03/2022 21:36

You are absolutely not a shit mum - but I am reeling at the idea of you having 2 yr old children at the age of 49. I am 50 and my children are grown up
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I'M 40 NOW

I HAD MY TWINS AT 38.

@YisforWanky

BuyDirt · 03/03/2022 21:43

SleepingStandingUp

I’m so relieved for you that you’re 40 not 50 with 2 year old twins. 🤣

SleepingStandingUp · 03/03/2022 21:45

@BuyDirt

SleepingStandingUp

I’m so relieved for you that you’re 40 not 50 with 2 year old twins. 🤣

When a pp said about having them over 40 I was like OK, didn't read my post. Then someone was like how at 50??? and I realise I can't type 😂

1Wanda1 · 03/03/2022 21:49

DW and I recently had our first night away alone since DD was born (she's 3) and it was just what we needed. Wouldn't have wanted to be away for longer than one night, but that bit of time just for us was really, really nice and made me feel like the person I was (interesting, not just "mum/domestic person") when we first got together.

It's very personal though and if you don't want to do it, maybe you would just feel so stressed while away that it wouldn't be worth it. You know what works for you as a couple.

Original poster

lifeuphigh · 03/03/2022 22:26

How do you spend your weekends then out of curiosity, like what would be the best weekend for you? Does your DH miss any of the things on my list?

We do a lot of outdoorsy stuff. We hike, mountain bike, rock climb, kayak… we can do all that with the DC and we both love sharing our passions with them. But yes he probably does miss some of the things on your list - long meals, fancy hotels, and the like.

Someone mentioned that they didn’t have much time with their DH before kids came along. DH and I had almost a decade together before we had DC, maybe that also impacts my feelings…

OP posts:

YisforWanky · 03/03/2022 22:31

@SpinsForGin

Yes - maybe forethought is the key to this. I just drifted into a career in academia, then drifted out of it to become a SAHM (which I loved). And am now drifting into wondering why I gave up my career and life, despite being not sorry that I gave up either!

I'm an academic.... it is tough to manage with a young family!! Homeschooling while trying teach was interesting 😂😂 I'm still not sure I've recovered!

There's always time to find a new passion. I'm a qualified careers adviser so I'm a huge advocate of finding something you love doing whatever your age or circumstances ❤️

That's a lovely post, @SpinsForGin

YisforWanky · 03/03/2022 22:34

When a pp said about having them over 40 I was like OK, didn't read my post. Then someone was like how at 50??? and I realise I can't type

Thank God for that, @SleepingStandingUp !!!

I was starting to think I might need to reconsider my no-contraception decisions...

Midlifemusings · 03/03/2022 22:37

It is important to be able to separate yourself as a person and your identity from your children and being a mother. That is not the entirety of who you are. Enmeshed relationships are not healthy. Children are each their own separate and unique people, they are not an extension of you and it is healthy for them to develop relationships with extended family too. Keeping your children so tight under your wing that it is only you and them and they are never out from under your wing gets suffocating as kids get older. They need experiences without parents present and to develop and grow. Not being able to be away from anyone isn't healthy. Just like if you didn't let your husband work a job with travel because you need him to be with you every single day. It just isn't healthy.

mycatisannoying · 03/03/2022 22:39

Do it. I can't understand women who feel they need to be joined to their children's hip. Don't you enjoy a little freedom occasionally? It's healthy for a relationship too.

Dixiechickonhols · 03/03/2022 22:56

There’s outdoorsy stuff you can’t do with a 3 yr old though, maybe suggest he arranges something that you couldn’t do with the children but is more up your street than wining and dining. Doing something new together can be really beneficial.

nokidshere · 03/03/2022 23:01

We have two boys. No family support at all so we rarely spent any time without them. In 13yrs we went away for two special occasion weekends when some very lovely friends offered to have them for us. We had evenings out of course and the odd weekend/week by ourselves while the other stayed home with the boys.

Guess what? My now 20 & 23 yr olds are fully independent, confident, and capable human beings and we get lots of time to ourselves.

There's no right or wrong in leaving your children or not but Maybe if your DH is telling you he would like some alone time with you you could compromise on a night here and there without committing to more in advance.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/03/2022 23:15

@YisforWanky

When a pp said about having them over 40 I was like OK, didn't read my post. Then someone was like how at 50??? and I realise I can't type

Thank God for that, @SleepingStandingUp !!!

I was starting to think I might need to reconsider my no-contraception decisions...

Haha sorry to panic you 😂😂

2022HereWeCome · 04/03/2022 08:54

Hi OP late to this thread but I don't want to spend weekends away from my DS. We go away as a family and that's what we all want. I love the occasional lunch, cinema trip or afternoon alone with DH when DS is elsewhere - at friends for example, but I have no desire to go to a posh hotel for a weekend.

Maybe it's because I've had lots of these type of experiences with DH prior to having children, maybe it's because we spent our time and money making sure our home is comfortable (I much prefer my own bed to any hotel bed and never sleep well when I am away), maybe it's because I'm well aware DS won't want to spend much time with us when he's a teen. Whatever.

I think the issue you have is your DH wants something different to you - so the only reasonable thing is to talk about why it matters so much to him, what he feels he is missing and how weekends away will help. If you are miserable or worried all the time you are away it could make things worse. And I certainly think I would start small - dinner out and an overnight stay. As others have said your DH will have to compromise too.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/03/2022 09:20

@Dixiechickonhols

There’s outdoorsy stuff you can’t do with a 3 yr old though, maybe suggest he arranges something that you couldn’t do with the children but is more up your street than wining and dining. Doing something new together can be really beneficial.

Maybe that’s a good first step? Your DH is communicating that he needs something different to you. That’s fine. So in response to that maybe you could do something outdoorsy but something you couldn’t do with the kids and then maybe follow that up with drinks in a pub/bar or a nice dinner out or something if your DH is missing thank kind of stuff. And then the hotel you sleep at night doesn’t nescessarily need to be super fancy like a Pp suggested you could do a cool air b n b somewhere

BoredZelda · 04/03/2022 09:56

So many women think this way and so many of them end up divorced. You see it on MN all the time.

Yawn.

You don’t see it on MN all the time.

Use of the term “so many” is hyperbole and only serves to try and bolster your point with no actual fact to back it up.

If people end up divorced when kids leave home, it isn’t because they didn’t spend 4 weekends a year away from their children.

BoredZelda · 04/03/2022 09:59

Do it. I can't understand women who feel they need to be joined to their children's hip. Don't you enjoy a little freedom occasionally? It's healthy for a relationship too.

You can’t understand other people might not want the same thugs as you do?

BoredZelda · 04/03/2022 09:59

*things

SpinsForGin · 04/03/2022 10:19

I think if both parents are happy to never have time away from their children then that's fine. However, if one of you would like to some time together as a couple then this should be discussed and a compromise reached.

Sometimes your relationship with your partner needs to be prioritised for the benefit of the whole family.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/03/2022 10:47

@BigSandyBalls2015

When my DD moved away to uni a friend said she was so pleased her DS was living at home and commuting to uni. She said she’d have moved to be near him if he’d gone further afield

I'm sure he'd be thrilled to have his mother follow him around

AryaStarkWolf · 04/03/2022 10:53

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@DoorWasAJar I apologise if my comment appeared hostile as that wasn’t intended and of course very sorry for what you suffered in your own childhood.
But I do maintain that parents can want/need time away from their children and not resent them.[/quote]
Of course they can, we're not talking about hating time with your kids and not wanting to be around them ever, people are really going one extreme to another on this thread. I understand from reading @DoorWasAJar posts that she had a tough childhood and maybe that's where her views on this come from but to suggest that parents who go on the odd night or two's mini break with their OH resent their kids is really unfair and untrue (certainly was in my case anyway) I adore my kids and loved spending time with them when they were young (and now of course but they're older now) that doesn't mean I can't enjoy a night alone with my husband too every so often!

Blossomtoes · 04/03/2022 12:13

This insistence that a relationship can only survive if the adults spend large amounts of time away from their children is a modern phenomenon.

It’s not. I was born in 1953 and my parents used to go away by themselves. I was perfectly happy with my granny.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/03/2022 12:25

@BoredZelda

Do it. I can't understand women who feel they need to be joined to their children's hip. Don't you enjoy a little freedom occasionally? It's healthy for a relationship too.

You can’t understand other people might not want the same thugs as you do?

@BoredZelda you’re right everyone is different. OP is different to her husband in the sense that she isn’t bothered about having weekends away just as a couple but he is. So she has to respond to that the same way as he should to her if it was the other way round. He is asking for four weekends away per year that leaves loads and loads of other weekends in the year when Op can have her preferred kind of weekend.