About leaving the kids? (I think I probably am)

[lifeuphigh]

Last night DH announced that he would like us to get more time as a couple, including 4 weekends away together each year. His parents live quite far away but would be happy to provide childcare.

For some reason the whole thing really stressed me out. The DC are 8, 6 and 3 and I've had 3 nights away from them since the oldest was born, only 1 of which I actually enjoyed. I love going out for the day/evening with DH but for some reason I just don't like the thought of being away from the DC overnight. DH travels a lot for work so he is quite used to being apart from them for extended periods.

I know I should feel grateful that we have the childcare offer, but I don't. Should I give my head a wobble or do other people feel like this too?!

Hmm well I looked through your list and can honestly say no not at all :/ I’m an older
Mum I guess I had plenty of freedom prior.

We have dogs, live at the seaside, like to have friends round, watch films.

I’ll head out for coffee or to the theatre with a friend sometimes. Go for lunch with DH sometimes during school hours. Maybe I sound / am really boring.

Basically no FOMO here.

DH and l have one trip away child free every year - we make sure we do something that DD wouldn't enjoy and we always have a great time but once a year for a few nights is enough for me. Dd stays at home and her auntie comes to look matter her so she is very well looked after and at school all day anyway.

When my DD moved away to uni a friend said she was so pleased her DS was living at home and commuting to uni. She said she’d have moved to be near him if he’d gone further afield

@DoorWasAJar I apologise if my comment appeared hostile as that wasn’t intended and of course very sorry for what you suffered in your own childhood.
But I do maintain that parents can want/need time away from their children and not resent them.

@lifeuphigh

Do you not miss things that you can do on adult weekends away like going to pubs and having a long leisurely boozy lunches, going for afternoon drinks with friends and letting your hair down without having to worry about getting home to put kids to bed, spend all day shagging, go to cinema to see a non-pg film, having a day shopping, or going to the gym or a fitness class, spa day or staying in a fancy child free hotel. Do you not miss that kind of thing?

I know you were asking someone else but for me, no! I don’t miss any of those things one bit whatsoever. (I didn’t like some of them before I had kids either which probably helps )

@lifeuphigh I mean I’m not saying that’s an exhaustive list just a few things that people tend to do on child free weekends away that would be harder to do if you had the kids with you. How do you spend your weekends then out of curiosity, like what would be the best weekend for you? Does your DH miss any of the things on my list? Just find it so interesting because like a previous poster said we’re all so different!

I guess would be an interesting question and could that be why he’s more inclined for a weekend away child free

@lifeuphigh sorry that has message has got jumbled but you get the gist

Do you not miss things that you can do on adult weekends away like going to pubs and having a long leisurely boozy lunches, going for afternoon drinks with friends and letting your hair down without having to worry about getting home to put kids to bed, spend all day shagging, go to cinema to see a non-pg film, having a day shopping, or going to the gym or a fitness class, spa day or staying in a fancy child free hotel. Do you not miss that kind of thing?

I think I'm just a crap Mom
I'm an older Mom, I'm 49 and the boys are 6, 2, 2. I'm a SAHM so not even got work stress. I love a weekend away with my friends (once or twice a year) to just SLEEP ALL NIGHT, not have to worry about whether everyone round the table has eaten enough dinner before they want pudding, know I won't have to get up at 2 am after a bottle of red and deal with a nightmare. DH and I haven't been to the cinema TOGETHER since... I was pregnant with the twins?? He goes in the am and me in the PM and then we talk about it on the night because no one will babysit three for that long. We don't stop in hotels even with the kids cos eldest is on o2 and it's complicated. No booking a day off work for sex because the twins aren't in nursery yet.

Maybe I AM a shit Mom for wanting a break from that esp given that we only get a break from that one at a time. We're years from a weekend away together which is fine. But I do wish it was easier.

@SleepingStandingUp
You’re not a shit mum at all 💐
If you are so am I and lots and lots of other women out there

@SleepingStandingUp

Do you not miss things that you can do on adult weekends away like going to pubs and having a long leisurely boozy lunches, going for afternoon drinks with friends and letting your hair down without having to worry about getting home to put kids to bed, spend all day shagging, go to cinema to see a non-pg film, having a day shopping, or going to the gym or a fitness class, spa day or staying in a fancy child free hotel. Do you not miss that kind of thing?

I think I'm just a crap Mom
I'm an older Mom, I'm 49 and the boys are 6, 2, 2. I'm a SAHM so not even got work stress. I love a weekend away with my friends (once or twice a year) to just SLEEP ALL NIGHT, not have to worry about whether everyone round the table has eaten enough dinner before they want pudding, know I won't have to get up at 2 am after a bottle of red and deal with a nightmare. DH and I haven't been to the cinema TOGETHER since... I was pregnant with the twins?? He goes in the am and me in the PM and then we talk about it on the night because no one will babysit three for that long. We don't stop in hotels even with the kids cos eldest is on o2 and it's complicated. No booking a day off work for sex because the twins aren't in nursery yet.

Maybe I AM a shit Mom for wanting a break from that esp given that we only get a break from that one at a time. We're years from a weekend away together which is fine. But I do wish it was easier.

You are NOT a shit mum. Wanting a break is NOTHING to be ashamed of ❤️

@affairsofdragons

I wish we'd been able to do this.

It can't just be about what you want for your family or relationship; it has to be about what he wants and needs, too.

Needs.

You have a sensible, reliable childcare offer. You should take advantage of it and ensure your marriage stays strong. It's important to do this for your children and to model it as well.

What are these important needs of an adult man that he cannot fulfil at home?

Small children have more needs, they’re only small once and I would prefer being with them until they were old enough to properly express themselves, before leaving them overnight.

Just because many people feel the need to be away from their children often, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with people who are different.

The whole undercurrent of on thus thread of ‘threats’ or ‘warnings’ to OP that her DH would leave her unless she goes away with him isn’t particularly romantic or convincing, it just makes me feel very uncomfortable. I don’t see how it would help OP to choose going away when she’s being pressured into it. Does nobody understand consent these days? Or are people just happy to do romantic getaways under duress of losing the relationship? It’s baffling to me...

@SleepingStandingUp That sounds difficult, you’re brave having your children over 40, I’m 39 but have Tokophobia, maybe there’s hope for me yet? I don’t understand why babysitters won’t sit for 3 children for a cinema trip? It’s only a few hours, or do you live rural and not many options? Or a whole day so you can see a film with your DH if that’s what you both like. That’s not too much to ask for and you’re not a shit mom at all.

I grew up sleeping at my grandparents on a regular basis. Nobody was traumatised.

@SleepingStandingUp

Do you not miss things that you can do on adult weekends away like going to pubs and having a long leisurely boozy lunches, going for afternoon drinks with friends and letting your hair down without having to worry about getting home to put kids to bed, spend all day shagging, go to cinema to see a non-pg film, having a day shopping, or going to the gym or a fitness class, spa day or staying in a fancy child free hotel. Do you not miss that kind of thing?

I think I'm just a crap Mom
I'm an older Mom, I'm 49 and the boys are 6, 2, 2. I'm a SAHM so not even got work stress. I love a weekend away with my friends (once or twice a year) to just SLEEP ALL NIGHT, not have to worry about whether everyone round the table has eaten enough dinner before they want pudding, know I won't have to get up at 2 am after a bottle of red and deal with a nightmare. DH and I haven't been to the cinema TOGETHER since... I was pregnant with the twins?? He goes in the am and me in the PM and then we talk about it on the night because no one will babysit three for that long. We don't stop in hotels even with the kids cos eldest is on o2 and it's complicated. No booking a day off work for sex because the twins aren't in nursery yet.

Maybe I AM a shit Mom for wanting a break from that esp given that we only get a break from that one at a time. We're years from a weekend away together which is fine. But I do wish it was easier.

You are absolutely not a shit mum - but I am reeling at the idea of you having 2 yr old children at the age of 49. I am 50 and my children are grown up. I ditched contraception a few years ago, on the grounds that I was too old to become pregnant (no doubt someone will come along to tell me I'm a dick for this).

I feel as if anything I say will seem goady, but please be assured that it isn't intended to be. Firstly: don't you feel as if you had years and years of doing stuff just for you, before you had children? Secondly, do you think that being older when you had them makes you a bit more certain about how you want to organise your life?

Most of the posts from people agreeing with the OP seem to be focussing on their own need as a parent not to be parted from their children. Everyday is a step closer to becoming independent for children so if there are opportunities where they can be cared for by other trustworthy adults we have a responsibility to allow them those opportunities to develop themselves and not to restrict this based on parental needs.
And as others have said, the relationship with your partner is as important and requires care and attention to keep it healthy. I know of couples who have divorced where part of the reasons were to do with one parent devoting their entire life to their child’s needs and neglecting their relationship with their partner.
My 8 yr old went on a residential for 1 night not long ago and the number of parents in tears at the drop off was ridiculous. It gave me joy to see my child go off happily knowing she would have a great time and felt secure enough to be away from her parents and I was proud of her for embracing the adventure

@YisforWanky But surely time for yourself whether it’s meeting friend for drinks or a weekend away with your husband etc are things that people just enjoy? There’s no shelf life or expiration date on them. You can’t have your fill and then not need them anymore. It’s kind of like weekends…we wouldn’t say to someone oh you’ve had 35 years of weekends you don’t need anymore now, you’ve had your fill’. For many of us time away from our kids is a way of recharging our batteries, it’s an ongoing process and not the need for time alone to do the things you enjoy doesn’t end just because you’ve had 40 years of doing them already. If you see what I mean.

Firstly: don't you feel as if you had years and years of doing stuff just for you, before you had children?

I know this isn't aimed at me but I've seen this comment a couple of times.
Firstly, just because you had years of doing stuff when you were younger doesn't mean you want to stop when you're older. If you enjoy something then I don't think there is necessarily a time limit.

Secondly, from my perspective, while both me and DH might have had years of travelling, nights out etc under our belt pre children,they weren't with each other. We met when I was mid 30's and DH was in his 40's. We were pregnant within a year. There still so much I want to do with DH and waiting until DS is older seems like too much of a risk to me. Unfortunately I know all too well how short life can be so I intend to embrace it! For us, that means a couple of adult only weekends away a year. That doesn't mean DS never gets to go away or that we resent him. It just feels like a nice balance

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@YisforWanky But surely time for yourself whether it’s meeting friend for drinks or a weekend away with your husband etc are things that people just enjoy? There’s no shelf life or expiration date on them. You can’t have your fill and then not need them anymore. It’s kind of like weekends…we wouldn’t say to someone oh you’ve had 35 years of weekends you don’t need anymore now, you’ve had your fill’. For many of us time away from our kids is a way of recharging our batteries, it’s an ongoing process and not the need for time alone to do the things you enjoy doesn’t end just because you’ve had 40 years of doing them already. If you see what I mean.[/quote]
Oh goodness, I absolutely see what you mean. As I say, I am absolutely not being goady. I am now enjoying, immensely, the freedom of being able to do whatever l like, whenever I like. I'm also aware that when my parents were my age, they were grandparents to my DC (they were part of the generation who left school young and got married at 18 and had children young), which is a different kind of tailspin...

@SpinsForGin

Firstly: don't you feel as if you had years and years of doing stuff just for you, before you had children?

I know this isn't aimed at me but I've seen this comment a couple of times.
Firstly, just because you had years of doing stuff when you were younger doesn't mean you want to stop when you're older. If you enjoy something then I don't think there is necessarily a time limit.

Secondly, from my perspective, while both me and DH might have had years of travelling, nights out etc under our belt pre children,they weren't with each other. We met when I was mid 30's and DH was in his 40's. We were pregnant within a year. There still so much I want to do with DH and waiting until DS is older seems like too much of a risk to me. Unfortunately I know all too well how short life can be so I intend to embrace it! For us, that means a couple of adult only weekends away a year. That doesn't mean DS never gets to go away or that we resent him. It just feels like a nice balance

@SpinsForGin Fabulous post. I completely agree with everything you have said. The idea that would stop doing the things that you enjoy just because you’re a mum and you had years of doing them beforehand is just so weird to me

@SpinsForGin

Firstly: don't you feel as if you had years and years of doing stuff just for you, before you had children?

I know this isn't aimed at me but I've seen this comment a couple of times.
Firstly, just because you had years of doing stuff when you were younger doesn't mean you want to stop when you're older. If you enjoy something then I don't think there is necessarily a time limit.

Secondly, from my perspective, while both me and DH might have had years of travelling, nights out etc under our belt pre children,they weren't with each other. We met when I was mid 30's and DH was in his 40's. We were pregnant within a year. There still so much I want to do with DH and waiting until DS is older seems like too much of a risk to me. Unfortunately I know all too well how short life can be so I intend to embrace it! For us, that means a couple of adult only weekends away a year. That doesn't mean DS never gets to go away or that we resent him. It just feels like a nice balance

This also makes sense. I sort of wish I had had my children when I was 21, and you kind of fall between all the stools if you have them when you're in your late 20s/early 30s. You do nothing very much with your early 20s, become a SAHM for 25 years, then feel too old to do anything!

@moita

No, I'm the same! I want to go on holiday as a family otherwise I'd have remained childless..

This !

@whysoserious123 But a weekend away isn’t a holiday!!

You do nothing very much with your early 20s, become a SAHM for 25 years, then feel too old to do anything!

I think this kind of relates to the other point you made about knowing how you want to organise your life. I knew that being a SAHM was not a choice I was going to make. I also knew that I wanted my children to spend time with grandparents in the same way I did.
I was only ever going to have children with someone who felt the same way.

I know it's not always that simple as life doesn't always go to plan but regular adult time and weekends away feature highly on our list of priorities. That's not to say we don't prioritise DS - believe me, he's a lucky boy!

whysoserious123 But a weekend away isn’t a holiday!!

Exactly!!!

The idea that would stop doing the things that you enjoy just because you’re a mum and you had years of doing them beforehand is just so weird to me

Me too. It doesn't make sense!

[quote DoorWasAJar]@SleepingStandingUp That sounds difficult, you’re brave having your children over 40, I’m 39 but have Tokophobia, maybe there’s hope for me yet? I don’t understand why babysitters won’t sit for 3 children for a cinema trip? It’s only a few hours, or do you live rural and not many options? Or a whole day so you can see a film with your DH if that’s what you both like. That’s not too much to ask for and you’re not a shit mom at all.[/quote]
I had them all under 40, I'm 40 now. Eldest at 33 and twins just before I turned 38.
Problem with babysitters is DS has extra needs so it's a lot with twin toddlers on top. Nothing major but he's on permanent o2