Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Toddler behaviour causing problems

132 replies

Behaviour101 · 02/03/2022 14:55

Posting for traffic. I'm desperate for some help. Also posted in behaviour.

My DS is nearly 2 and I'm struggling with behaviour at home and at friends houses.

He pushes and hits other children at home and at his friend's homes. We're starting to see people less and less as they don't really want their child to spend time with mine. I really don't know what to do!

The other day he slapped my friend's child around the face so hard he left a hand print - this was after he pushed him face first into a cupboard. He'll also snatch food and take all of the toys in a room and hide them.

Nursery say he behaves there, it's just everywhere else.

AIBU to think this is just a phase?!

OP posts:
BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 02/03/2022 14:59

What do you do when he is behaving badly?

Lolliepoppie · 02/03/2022 15:04

Do you have immediate consequences, ie being taken straight home if he hits another DC? What is his language and understanding like?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 02/03/2022 15:06

If he behaves at nursery, what is it they're doing differently?

Different consequences? Different expectations? Different routines?

Albgo · 02/03/2022 15:08

It is a phase - but an awful one and still needs to be managed by you.
Do you follow big little feelings on Instagram?

Snowpaw · 02/03/2022 15:13

Tackle the needs underlying the behaviour, in a child that young. So the food snatching - is he hungry? Going through a growth spurt maybe? Ensure regular meals and healthy snacks. Arrange play dates for times that he’s not overtired. Keep them short or outdoors. Prioritise good night time routines and nap if he still has one. I think a lot of “bad behaviour” in a child that young is often tiredness / being overwhelmed or hungry. Obviously react appropriately if he hits and remove him from situation. But maybe he’s signalling to you that he’s overwhelmed, needs a break / a snack etc with this behaviour.

KatieKat88 · 02/03/2022 15:17

See friends in neutral spaces for a while - soft play, playgroups, outside etc - he might be being territorial in his own space? Follow him like a hawk so you can intervene just before he manages to hit/snatch. Stern voice and remove from the situation at any sign of doing so. It's a phase but a stressful one!

Notimeforaname · 02/03/2022 15:19

Many toddlers go through periods like this but as pp's are saying, there should be some small consequence.

PinkSyCo · 02/03/2022 15:25

I disagree that this amount of violence against other children is a phase. Do you tell him a firm ‘no’ and remove him from the situation OP?

SuperSleepyBaby · 02/03/2022 15:25

Don’t over worry - he is is so young with not much sense yet.

Just keep calmly trying to remind him what is the correct way to behave but don’t have your expectations too high.

Until this phase passes you will need to follow him closely if there is other children around to limit his ability to hurt them.

SuperSleepyBaby · 02/03/2022 15:26

PinkSyCo - he is a one year old baby - it is a phase!

nanbread · 02/03/2022 15:30

@KatieKat88

See friends in neutral spaces for a while - soft play, playgroups, outside etc - he might be being territorial in his own space? Follow him like a hawk so you can intervene just before he manages to hit/snatch. Stern voice and remove from the situation at any sign of doing so. It's a phase but a stressful one!
Was going to suggest neutral spaces

And following like a hawk - watch closely too for signs of things to come

Look at triggers for behaviour - what happened leading up to it?

Make it clear before you go in what the consequence will be eg if there's hitting we will go home

Then follow through, but no need to be shouty / angry

Remember he is not doing it to hurt the other child intentionally or to upset anyone, he has little impulse control.

It's also common for children to behave differently at nursery than at home.

Original poster
Behaviour101 · 02/03/2022 15:31

I'm not sure why his behaviour is so different at nursery. He's the youngest in his room. I thought he might be being territorial too, but he now does it at friend's houses too and at soft play if he's with other children he knows.

With the snacks, yesterday he tipped his on the floor before smacking a snack out of another child's hand so it also ended up on the floor. He didn't eat it, he's definitely not hungry.

We've tried playmates at different times so he isn't tired, but he's still horrible to the others.

He bedshares with us and seems to sleep reasonably well once he goes to sleep - time can vary between 7 and 10pm. He also has a 2-3 hr afternoon nap when he's at home, but not at nursery.

I do tell him he is being unkind and he will apologise, saying sorry and sometimes huggingthe other child... but immediately does it again!

He knows a lot of words and seems to understand what I'm saying. My partner thinks we should use time out as a consequence, but he cries and it upsets me.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 02/03/2022 15:34

Its just a phase.but that doesn't mean you just stand back and let it all happen.

Stay close and alert enough that you can immediately intervene when he tries to smash someone else's child.

ohhooh · 02/03/2022 15:36

My partner thinks we should use time out as a consequence, but he cries and it upsets me.

Does it upset you more that he cries in time out, or that he's violent and badly behaved around others? If he's well behaved at nursery, but not with you - is it because he knows there's no consequences? I'm with your partner on this one if I'm honest.

Original poster
Behaviour101 · 02/03/2022 15:37

It seems to be more than just pushing and shoving. He often looks angry, if you know what I mean. He'll screw his face up. He seems to constantly want to be in other children's space, if that makes sense - he'll stand literally mm away from them.

He's always been a bit boisterous, but he's so much worse than the other toddlers we see. It makes me so sad 😞 I'm scared he'll end up with no friends when he's older and the other mums will all avoid me.

OP posts:
lochmaree · 02/03/2022 15:37

I'm on the other side of this atm. my friends toddler from about age 2 has hit, nipped, pushed my DS (5 months younger) - it had really impacted how much we see each other because my DS doesn't enjoy being around her DD. he is fine and sociable at the childminder and at playgroups, but if her DD is around he is either withdrawn and quiet or he's completely disregulated. it's really hard and I really feel for my friend. (and obviously DS which is why we don't see them as much). Her DD is now just over 2.5.

but there are no real consequences for her DD, they discuss how my DS might feel etc but nothing consequential like leaving. she also doesn't prevent her DD approaching my DS, even though its clear he is uncomfortable and her DD is sometimes kind but other times not and there appears to be no trigger or warning so impossible to tell what she will do. I'd rather she stayed within reach of her DD to be able to block any unkind actions. we also only meet at playgroups now as the attention on my DS is hugely diluted but he is not as comfortable as he usually would be. hugs for you, its so hard!

PinkSyCo · 02/03/2022 15:37

PinkSyCo - he is a one year old baby - it is a phase!

He’s a toddler. Perhaps it is a phase but none of my children went through it so I guess I was lucky. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Teacupsandtoast · 02/03/2022 15:38

Telling him he is being unkind means nothing at that age. Down on his level, firm low tone - 'we do not hit - hands are not for hitting' and remove him from the situation. Do not give him the opportunity to hit/snatch/grab/push - you need to be right with him helping to direct his energy and attention. Reward kind interactions and good playing

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 02/03/2022 15:39

'He cries and it upsets me'

I think this is part of issue. But his behaviour is fairly typical for a 2 year old. Not a fan of time out but at that age mine would have been lifted and we left. Only ever had to do it once or twice per child

Bubbles16395 · 02/03/2022 15:40

“ I do tell him he is being unkind and he will apologise, saying sorry and sometimes huggingthe other child... but immediately does it again!

He knows a lot of words and seems to understand what I'm saying. My partner thinks we should use time out as a consequence, but he cries and it upsets me.”

To be honest there is your answer, he doesn’t have any consequences when he behaves badly, and so there is no incentive for him not to. I have to say I agree with your husband, having a time out from plying/leaving etc is a natural consequence for hitting etc - if you don’t play nicely you don’t get to play at all.

Unfortunately sometimes parenting your child well means you feel crap - but it will be better for him in the long run

MangshorJhol · 02/03/2022 15:41

I think you are going to have to toughen up. If he pushed a child or hit him, that’s it, we leave instantly. Otherwise one warning, then you intervene and immediate consequence.

At home, remove him to a safe place. Sit with him there and ignore the screaming and pleading. And say firmly ‘you did X, that’s not ok.’
Also set clear rules. Ours were no hitting, kicking or throwing. Those were the red lines in the sand. We made it very clear they could get upset and frustrated but when you got frustrated you asked for a hug or got a cuddle but no hitting, throwing or kicking. You have to be EXTREMELY consistent.

I will say I don’t mind when another toddler is rough, I do mind when the parent is totally ineffective in dealing with it. If he keeps hitting and you go, ‘darling give him a hug and say sorry!’ That’s not enough. My son doesn’t want to be hugged by someone who just slapped him.

IDontDrinkTea · 02/03/2022 15:42

I think I’m with your partner here OP. You should be more upset with your child’s behaviour, rather than being upset that they’re in time out for a short period of time. It would be better to nip this in the bud quickly; it is your role as a parent to teach your child social skills. Currently you’re not giving any form of consequence for his violence

MangshorJhol · 02/03/2022 15:42

I suspect the reason he behaves well at nursery is because there are clear and immediate consequences for his behaviour and he knows it.

BlingLoving · 02/03/2022 15:45

OP, it is up to you as the parent to put the breaks on this. If you are not willing to put up with your child crying when there are consequences then I'm afraid it will not get better. And in a few years time, you will have few friends/family who are willing to spend time with you.

Looking him in the eye, asking him to be kind etc are all pointless. He is too young. You need to be firm - a sharp "No, we don't hit/bite/scratch/grab" and then remove him from the situation. He's young so you don't have to take him home and cancel the entire event, but remove him from the child he is attacking for a few minutes. You also need to be vigilant - don't leave him to wander around alone because otherwise this will keep happening. If you're there, watching and engaging, you can distract him before he does it when you see he's winding up to it, and encourage him to channel his emotions another way.

Why would he change his behaviour currently? There are no consequences and if he cries, you give in.

SuperSleepyBaby · 02/03/2022 15:48

He is not going to be acting like this when he is 5 or 6 or 10 or 15 - provided you raise him as you are now - trying your best to teach him the right way to behave. Please don’t over worry - thinking how he might turn out as he grows up based on some difficult behaviour when he is only a one year old baby.

One of my children has autism and had quite difficult behaviour when he was young. It was really stressful at the time. He is 12 now and is totally different from when he was younger. He is calm, kind, well adjusted etc.

Your son is too young to ‘punish’ with time outs. He does not yet have control over his emotions or behaviour.