Toddler behaviour causing problems

[Behaviour101]

Posting for traffic. I'm desperate for some help. Also posted in behaviour.

My DS is nearly 2 and I'm struggling with behaviour at home and at friends houses.

He pushes and hits other children at home and at his friend's homes. We're starting to see people less and less as they don't really want their child to spend time with mine. I really don't know what to do!

The other day he slapped my friend's child around the face so hard he left a hand print - this was after he pushed him face first into a cupboard. He'll also snatch food and take all of the toys in a room and hide them.

Nursery say he behaves there, it's just everywhere else.

AIBU to think this is just a phase?!

@MangshorJhol

"I will say I don’t mind when another toddler is rough, I do mind when the parent is totally ineffective in dealing with it. If he keeps hitting and you go, ‘darling give him a hug and say sorry!’ That’s not enough. My son doesn’t want to be hugged by someone who just slapped him."

absolutely this! it's not the hit or kick that bothers me with my friend and her DD, it's that it's not really dealt with and it's almost like a learning experience for her DD at my DS' expense. he doesnt want a hug from someone who just bashed him over the head and talking about feelings etc isn't cutting it, my poor DS is sat there crying and her DD just carries on playing! same at playgroups, she goes round snatching, hitting, pushing and nothing happens, they don't leave or go outside for 5 min. they just stay till the end.

We barely see SIL and her family because like you, she didn't like to ever see her little darling cry, even when he was shouting, hitting, kicking our DD. She would get down on his level and talk quietly to him about how it feels and why would he want to hurt his cousin. And then she would think it was all fine.

For years we saw them as little as possible. We allowed DD to do things she wouldn't normally be allowed to do while out - eg play with her iPad while sitting with us. And all that did was create more family tension because SIL couldn't understand why we were so unfriendly. Until eventually, we left in the middle of a family lunch one day after he hurt DD and we were determined that she didn't have to keep taking it. SIL still doesn't really get it and feels we over reacted, but I note that nephew hasn't hit, kicked or shouted at DD since..... But he's still an undisciplined child who runs riot so we still don't see them that much.

He is not going to be acting like this when he is 5 or 6 or 10 or 15 - provided you raise him as you are now - trying your best to teach him the right way to behave. Please don’t over worry - thinking how he might turn out as he grows up based on some difficult behaviour when he is only a one year old baby.

I completely disagree with this statement. Because OP is NOT teaching him the right way to behave. She's asking him not to do something but not giving him any consequences when he ignores her and as a result, he is going to learn that if he wants something, he can just bash that other kid and take it and it will be fine.

He cries and it upsets me

There’s your problem. You’re his Mum; it’s your responsibility to teach him what’s right and wrong and if he doesn’t like it - tough. You can do it gently and with compassion but yes, he's a toddler and is going to cry when he doesn’t get his way. Would you rather he have no friends and other children avoid him? Because that’s what’ll happen if you’re too busy trying not to upset him rather than being clear and firm with his boundaries.

There used to be a ''Thuggy'' toddler at our local 'Mothers and toddlers'.
We referred to him as ''Bullet head''.
He was like a mini Putin, bullying, forcing smaller children to give up their toys.
He was extremely unpopular, but his mother did NOTHING to stop him.

She just sat there with her new baby, and looked on.

He had zero discipline, he should have been told ''NO!'' in no uncertain terms, and taken away the minute his bullying started.

A bullying child, especially one who hits out will be ostracised swiftly, so it is crucial that you give consequences.

It isn't ''Normal'' behaviour.

As well it might be worth thinking - what are you doing when he does this? It doesn't sound like you are within arm's reach - are you off chatting to the other mums? If so and he knows that you will come over if he hits another child, it might actually just be his way of getting attention from you.

We are talking about a 1 year old!!!!!!!

Sometimes on mumnset there is a rush to recommend strict discipline with very young children - and i find it a bit weird!

Many, many children have difficult behaviour at that age. You do not need to lay down the law to have a good outcome with the child. Kindly pointing out the correct behaviour that is expected, distracting the child from a situation are a perfectly good method for raising a well adjusted child.

If a child at that age is hurting others then it is the adult’s responsibility to keep close to the child to prevent them hurting others - and calmly remind them how they should behave. Maybe the situation is too much for the child and they are not really ready for it - not the child’s fault.

My children went through all sorts of difficult phases as did my friends’ children. Somehow they turned out well as they got older without being hauled off to time out when they put a foot out of line at age 1!!

@PinkSyCo

I disagree that this amount of violence against other children is a phase. Do you tell him a firm ‘no’ and remove him from the situation OP?

I agree completely with you, here. Aggression needs squashing at once with a firm ''NO!'' and removing from the friend's house or friend immediately.

Rough toddlers can be little manipulators, turning on the tears as they know their mother will cave.

Who wants to see their {often smaller} child hit , pushed and slapped by a bully?..No one!

It is completely unacceptable.

When the hitting starts, the fun stops.

Your comments read about ‘you’ and how ‘you’ feel. He needs immediate consequences not talking to. He snatched their food take it off him, say no firmly, look sad and move him away. He smacks anyone say no and say ‘going now’ or whatever and go. Yes he’ll cry but he needs to learn.

That poor child he left a mark on their face!

This doesn’t mean he’s a naughty boy but he needs to be taught how to behave.

If he’s not doing it at nursery then I’m afraid it’s you not him that’s the issue.
You need to learn to show him consequences and discipline. If he hits another child remove him calmly from the situation, go down to his level and tell him no and why.
Don’t tell him to hug the other child or anything, 1) he needs to be less physical with other children and 2)it must be bloody scary for a child who’s just been hit to have the same child invade their space and overwhelm them like that

Oh my god, PARENT YOUR CHILD.

Try reading How to talk so little kids will listen. It has a lot of good coping strategies, time out doesn’t always work but I agree with PP that saying he cries and it upsets you is pretty wet of you. You need to be in charge, setting clear boundaries will ultimately make him happier and there are kind ways to do it.

As to it being a phase, it will be if you parent appropriately, but while it is I personally would limit play dates. It’s ok to say DC is going through a tricky phase so we’re sticking around home until we figure things out. I wouldn’t invite you over or go over if your DC was behaving like that.

We are talking about a 1 year old!!!!!!!

No, he's nearly 2. Massive difference. And it's not "strict discipline" to consistently and reliably remove a child from a situation in which that child is being aggressive or inappropriately physical with other children. Nor is it "strict discipline" to accept that perhaps you have to watch that child a bit more closely to ensure he doesn't behave badly in the first place.

DD went through something similar at about the same age, although hit was mostly pushing, though she did hit once or twice.

Wherever we went, I talked before hand about not pushing and hitting a cushion if she needed to hit. I shadowed her like a hawk. If I saw he move to push or hit, I'd catch her hands and tell her "I can't let you push/hit".

If she kept trying, or of she actually did it, I'd pick her up and say "I can't let you push, I'm going to take you outside to calm down." She'd cry and get cross, but I stayed with her and have her a cuddle if she wanted it. It wasn't a punishment, it was a consequence. We'd leave all together if the behaviour continued.

Did I enjoy it when she cried? Of course not. Did it work? Absolutely. Her nursery tell me at every pick up that she's kind and gentle with all the children and one of the most sociable in the room. And that's exactly how she is on play dates too. She just needed my help to get there.

Reframe what's happening. Boundaries are not a punishment. They are loving and they are essential for his well-being.

@Behaviour101

I'm not sure why his behaviour is so different at nursery. He's the youngest in his room. I thought he might be being territorial too, but he now does it at friend's houses too and at soft play if he's with other children he knows.

With the snacks, yesterday he tipped his on the floor before smacking a snack out of another child's hand so it also ended up on the floor. He didn't eat it, he's definitely not hungry.

We've tried playmates at different times so he isn't tired, but he's still horrible to the others.

He bedshares with us and seems to sleep reasonably well once he goes to sleep - time can vary between 7 and 10pm. He also has a 2-3 hr afternoon nap when he's at home, but not at nursery.

I do tell him he is being unkind and he will apologise, saying sorry and sometimes huggingthe other child... but immediately does it again!

He knows a lot of words and seems to understand what I'm saying. My partner thinks we should use time out as a consequence, but he cries and it upsets me.

Well there’s your reason why There are no consequences for his actions and if he cries it sounds like you just give in.

We are talking about a 1 year old!!!!!!!

Sometimes on mumnset there is a rush to recommend strict discipline with very young children - and i find it a bit weird!

You are still insisting that OP’s child is a baby I see. Fine, but then what about the ‘babies’ he is hitting so hard that they are left with his handprint on their faces then? Should all those babies have to suck it up because OP doesn’t want to upset her baby by telling him ‘no’ and taking him away-which is consequences, not ‘strict discipline’ if he doesn’t listen to her?

How you feel shouldn't come into it. How your child feels, how he responds to those feelings, and how those actions and responses affect his peers are what matters.

Get him to take deep breaths, help him to regulate his emotions, firmly tell him WHY his actions are wrong and WHAT will be done.

'When you hit x, he feels hurt and upset. What can we do instead when you feel angry?'

I have a friend who sounds very similar to you. Makes me cringe when their DS does something geniunely awful and all i hear is 'thats so naughty' in the most unmeaningful voice i have ever heard.
No surprise they also have a dog which they are uncapable of telling off, who regular attacks other dogs on walks.

It doesn't sound like you put any consequences in place for when he misbeahves - so all your creating is a child that could grow up to be a complete thug and disrespect you because youve never put any authority in place.

In short - if you want your child to have friends, discipline him when hes naughty. Your his mom, thats your job to teach him what is right and wrong. Else he will be friendless.

PinkSyCo

I think you have missed my point - i never said just let him run wild! (See above)

And yes he is almost 2 so should be very mature and well able to manage his emotions and behaviour!

@SuperSleepyBaby no, but the parent should be able to manage her emotions and act accordingly to prevent him hurting other children !

Time out, every time. remove him from the room and put him in solitary. He will learn very fast.

Stop being a wimp, he's hurting children. And yes , you will loose friends fast, no one wants to see their child being abused by another, without consequences.

Sounds like you're being a bit soft. You don't like to see him upset but what about the kids he's hurting.

@ohhooh

My partner thinks we should use time out as a consequence, but he cries and it upsets me.

Does it upset you more that he cries in time out, or that he's violent and badly behaved around others? If he's well behaved at nursery, but not with you - is it because he knows there's no consequences? I'm with your partner on this one if I'm honest.

Me too, sorry OP ☹️

I was hit with a brick on my back by a 4 year old, when I was 3, I remember it vividly. A violent two year old with no repercussions for bad behaviour might be violent at 4 year old, and so on. Parents who don’t supervise properly or teach repercussions make for spoiled and narcissistic adults 😞 I’m sorry OP and I’m not trying to be unkind.

[quote Sundancerintherain]@SuperSleepyBaby no, but the parent should be able to manage her emotions and act accordingly to prevent him hurting other children ![/quote]
Obviously this.