Toddler behaviour causing problems

[Behaviour101]

Posting for traffic. I'm desperate for some help. Also posted in behaviour.

My DS is nearly 2 and I'm struggling with behaviour at home and at friends houses.

He pushes and hits other children at home and at his friend's homes. We're starting to see people less and less as they don't really want their child to spend time with mine. I really don't know what to do!

The other day he slapped my friend's child around the face so hard he left a hand print - this was after he pushed him face first into a cupboard. He'll also snatch food and take all of the toys in a room and hide them.

Nursery say he behaves there, it's just everywhere else.

AIBU to think this is just a phase?!

He is still little but he is absolutely old enough to start seeing consequences for poor behaviour. As others have said, you need to shadow him when he’s mixing with other children, say “NO” sharply (not a quiet ‘no’) and remove him from the situation. This will only escalate if you do nothing. His behaviour could worsen and he may widen his repertoire of poor behaviour to biting, hair pulling etc, and you’ll be shedding friends everywhere.

There’s nothing that other parents can’t stand more is a parent who just stands there and watches while their child attacks others. Make a concerted effort to address your child’s behaviour and others will think more of you and be more likely to give you and your child a second chance.

Speak to the nursery about what techniques they use for this type of behaviour.

I’ve been there with my friend’s child whose behaviour went downhill the moment he turned 2. Her child attacked other children but my DS (same age) was his primary target. My child was repeatedly bitten, hit, pushed over, hair pulled, punched, spat on, toys snatched, his food thrown, attempted to push off playground equipment etc.

We no longer see them and she cannot understand why as she thinks her DS, now 7, walks on water. I’ve heard that he still shows many of these behaviours, and if they’d ended up in the same school we would have asked the school to put them in different classes / it was that bad. Don’t be this parent and child!

He hits because you don’t stop him.

You need to intervene immediately, and remove him from the situation. There should be no apologising or hugging from him, he is too young for it to mean anything to him.
Just a “No. We don’t hit.” And take him away from the other child/toy/snack/whatever.

So what if you hate it when he cries? You’re his parent. Your job is to guide him, not to never upset him. Put your big girl pants on and parent your toddler.

My parents were like this with my younger sister. She'd slap, bite and kick - mainly me - and they'd then tell her to give me a hug and within a few minutes she'd be doing it all over again. I was told to just let her learn as she was younger than me. They didn't like her to cry and tantrum and they just assumed she'd grow out of it.

It was when she got to about 9 or 10 and was still slapping and biting - me and other kids too - that they suddenly realised there might be a problem.

If he's not doing it at nursery, it's your discipline that's lacking. You do need to deal with it, as he won't necessarily just realise it's not good behaviour. It was a lot harder to get my sister to stop doing it when she was 9, trust me.

If he behaves appropriately at nursery and not at home, he’s worked out that he has to do what he’s asked at nursery, but that you’ll give in to him at home.

What do they do at nursery that you don’t at home? I’d see if there are tips you can get from them. Otherwise, you’re right, no one will want to spend time with you.

Harden up and give him into trouble ffs.

You’re making a rod for your own back with the way you’re behaving.

If he's not talking that much and not yet 2 IMO he's too young for time out. You could try time in though (keeping him with you and taking him away from the situation/fun for a short time). Also worth trying to preempt it and distract or redirect him. I got fairly practiced at this with DD1 who was a biter although generally only bit her sister.

If you don't discipline him appropriately now he is going to turn into one of those obnoxious little horrors that are a nightnare to be around. You are making a rod for your own backotherwise. You have had some good advice here, sounds like it's time you need to enforce some boudaries.

His problems are definitely due to lack of attention, children don’t bite/punch/kick etc. For no reason.

@oakleaffy

There used to be a ''Thuggy'' toddler at our local 'Mothers and toddlers'. We referred to him as ''Bullet head''. He was like a mini Putin, bullying, forcing smaller children to give up their toys. He was extremely unpopular, but his mother did NOTHING to stop him.

She just sat there with her new baby, and looked on.

He had zero discipline, he should have been told ''NO!'' in no uncertain terms, and taken away the minute his bullying started.

A bullying child, especially one who hits out will be ostracised swiftly, so it is crucial that you give consequences.

It isn't ''Normal'' behaviour.

You're talking about op child's behaviour not being normal, whilst calling another child names and comparing him to a murdering, warmongering psychopath! Wow just wow! Think you need to take a serious look at yourself!

Yes - quick OP lay down the law or when he grows up he most likely will end up a serial killer!!!

This is on you. You need to helicopter and be right by him at all times on play dates, first sign of hurting other kids and you tell him no in no uncertain terms. If he keeps doing it you leave.

@Happyhappyday

Try reading How to talk so little kids will listen. It has a lot of good coping strategies, time out doesn’t always work but I agree with PP that saying he cries and it upsets you is pretty wet of you. You need to be in charge, setting clear boundaries will ultimately make him happier and there are kind ways to do it.

As to it being a phase, it will be if you parent appropriately, but while it is I personally would limit play dates. It’s ok to say DC is going through a tricky phase so we’re sticking around home until we figure things out. I wouldn’t invite you over or go over if your DC was behaving like that.

I second this! I love “How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen.”

Also, a trick nursery taught me that works brilliantly with my kids: don’t just tell them what they CAN’T do. Also tell them what they CAN do. The mantra my 4-yo and 2-to recite from nursery is “hands are not for hitting, hands are for playing”. They police EACH OTHER that way and it’s brilliant. They very, very rarely tussle (maybe once a month?) but when they do, if one hits the other, they recite this and an apology is usually very quickly forthcoming. It rarely escalates and is rarely repeated.

Each of my kids had a one-week phase around 18 months old where they tried hitting more frequently. We recited the mantra, we removed them immediately from the situation in which they hit (even if they were kicking and screaming at us), we made sure they were watching while we apologized to the child who had been hurt (if they weren’t ready to apologize yet - usually they did it themselves), and at home we played with dolls a lot… I’d have one doll (let’s call him Teddy) hit another doll (fox). I would ask: “how does fox feel?” “Why did Teddy hit fox?” “What could Teddy have done instead?” And we would act out Teddy asking to share, asking for a turn, getting a parent or teacher if something was going wrong, or taking deep breaths if he was simply feeling annoyed. I swear… It really worked!

I think it's possible to have compassion for this child and not see him as a bully, but still be effective in dealing with the problem.

FWIW, I think this is fairly normal behaviour for some (not all) toddlers and it makes sense it happens with mum because that's where he is most comfortable to show all his emotions.

BUT, I would follow him, get between him and other kids ("I can't let you hit," and physically block). If he tries more than once, "wow, you're having a hard time not hitting, I need to keep everyone safe so we're going home now." Pick him up and go.

He's telling you by behaving this way that he can't cope with the situation he's in. But you can do it calmly, with authority and with compassion for him as a small person not in control of his feelings, which must feel scary.

'He cries and it upsets me'? Flaming Norah! When he's 10 and he smashes someone in the face and you sweetly explain that he must say 'sorry' he's definitely going to be Mr Nomates. Or he'll be hanging out with a group of other thugs. If he knows crying upsets you, he'll be using that tactic for ever more.

"My partner thinks we should use time out as a consequence, but he cries and it upsets me."

There lies the problem. How would you feel if he was crying because another child had hit HIM?

You're the adult and parent so you need to take that role. A stern no and some consequences.

It's not acceptable to let him hit other children. The problem is that you obviously think it's not ideal but not that much of a problem.

Just don't allow him to do it. It's not complicated. Stay close enough that you can physically restrain him. If he persists in trying then leave. Avoid situations that he finds difficult. He's far too young for apologies and hugging. Why is he hugging someone he's just hit anyway. That's a really odd thing to encourage. You need to keep him away from the other child instead. You can try to get another parent on side and explain that you need help to socialise him in a low key setting. But if you are unable to stop him being violent then just stay away. Other children won't want to play with him soon anyway. A child hit mine twice, a few weeks apart about 6 months ago. I never mentioned it to my child since. She still remembers and won't play with him. She's only 2.5.

If he’s not doing it at nursery then I’m afraid it’s you not him that’s the issue.

This. Sorry.

Yes he's young. But actually he does know better because he can be better, you need to give him logical consequences, not punishments. But if you hit, you can't keep playing.

My god if someone's child left a mark on mine and their mum tried to get them to just say sorry and give him a hug I'd be absolutely fuming with her. Not the child, the mum. And I don't think I'd let them hug actually. I'm not teaching my child that kind of hit, hug, hit, hug relationship is OK.

"He punched me but he said sorry so it's ok"?

@SuperSleepyBaby

Yes - quick OP lay down the law or when he grows up he most likely will end up a serial killer!!!

Or just a child that nobody want s to play with if we want to be a bit less dramatic

but he cries and it upsets me.

Somehow knew this was coming.

It's not him it's you and your wishy washy softly softly parenting that's the issue

He is very young. But you must express intense disapproval of this behaviour and take him home immediately. No point in talking in a calm nicey nicey voice. Use a severe tone.

‘Intense disapproval’. - ‘severe tone’. For a one year old

He needs very firm and consistent consequences, yes even if he cries, otherwise this will be a very long phase! Obviously appropriate consequences such as a time out, 1-2-3 magic etc. I’d also watch some super nanny episodes for tips and try to make sure bedtime is closer to 7 than 10pm (which is too late, even with a good nap). I would also look at screen time/ diet too.

A good nap and a 10pm bedtime can work for some children - and not others. Its not one size fits all.

We know a child who's been very difficult. Not as physical as yours, but many huge tantrums, rude language, hitting parents. He's 5 now and still the same.

The issue for him is his parents. Mum has anxiety so never follows through with any discipline. There's always an excuse or quite literally just turns away so she "doesn't see" it. She's weak in her approach.

The dad is similar. When child was younger the dad would laugh when child was rude. He thought it was cute.

As the child's gotten older, it's become unenjoyable to be in their company. It's hard to stand by and watch him be rude to others with no consequences.

OP - this is the time to act. Be serious, be present and be strict. He can't teach himself, that's your job. When he hits, you hold his wrist, speak loudly and deeply "no, don't do that. If I see you hit again, we will be leaving". And if he does it again "no. I told you not to hit. I warned you we would leave. We are leaving". Then leave.

When making playdates, let parents know in advance it may be short as you're trialling a new way of disciplining to try to improve his behaviour so you may have to shoot if he's persistently naughty. Be honest with people and you may find they don't mind meeting again. So long as their child is safeguarded from harm.

I know it doesn't feel nice to have your child cry, but surely better that than him have no nice friends at school. (My friend's son has a few friends despite being a little s**t but he's friends with the other naughty kids so not a great situation).

And no, I don't think they do always grow out of it organically. Big hugs, no easy.