Toddler behaviour causing problems

[Behaviour101]

Posting for traffic. I'm desperate for some help. Also posted in behaviour.

My DS is nearly 2 and I'm struggling with behaviour at home and at friends houses.

He pushes and hits other children at home and at his friend's homes. We're starting to see people less and less as they don't really want their child to spend time with mine. I really don't know what to do!

The other day he slapped my friend's child around the face so hard he left a hand print - this was after he pushed him face first into a cupboard. He'll also snatch food and take all of the toys in a room and hide them.

Nursery say he behaves there, it's just everywhere else.

AIBU to think this is just a phase?!

Appropriate consequences at this age are a firm "No" or "We don't hit" and physically - gently - moving the child from the immediate vicinity of the toy/food/other child. Then distraction and getting on with the day. Time-outs are not appropriate - he's too young and it will only confuse and distress him. Taking him home will do no good either - he'll have forgotten what it's all about before you even make it to the car.

So many parents fall into the trap of doing "performative discipline" with children who are too young for it to be meaningful, usually because they want to look like proactive parents to other adults. What he needs is for you to helicopter him, gently but firmly discouraging/moving him every time he does it. No drama, no punishments, and it will take a little while for him to respond - that's because he's a tiny toddler, not because the consequences aren't stiff enough.

@SuperSleepyBaby he’s nearly two. And it’s possible to be stern with a child without emotional harm. You can be strict without punishment or being punitive. It is possible to set really firm boundaries with small kids. In fact I would go so far as to say that the boundaries make kids feel safer.

With older kids and I have a 10 year old they won’t behave like a toddler because well…peer pressure. But actually there are boys in my son’s class whose behaviour is appalling and whose mothers think the sun shines out of their arse- they are rude, can’t work cooperatively with other kids- it’s their way or the highway. It’s not their fault per se, I would blame the parents. And I bet they were ‘boisterous’ as toddlers.

OP, children like and need boundaries. Your little one is angry because he knows he is unsafe with parents who don't give him any boundaries.

Do you have any compassion for the children he hurts and takes the food away from?

Also as the mother of a kid who regularly got beaten up by ‘boisterous’ ones sometimes please DO take them home. It’s not performative discipline. It’s calling an end to something that isn’t working. And my child is not the Guinea pig for your child to learn their social skills. After the 3rd time your child has whacked mine please please do take them home because I am too kind to throw you out!

I'd really recommend that you develop "THE VOICE". It isn't a shout, it's a powerful low toned voice, so that "Stop!" or "No!" sound as if you mean it.

Obviously appropriate consequences such as a time out, 1-2-3 magic etc.

123 Magic is hideous, and inappropriate especially for a child this age. Time outs not much better either.

Don't get him to hug kids as an apology it's not fair on the other child who probably doesn't want the child who has just hurt them in their personal space again . I'm also not sure if toddlers understand sorry or unkind but they will understand it if they are taken home when things like this happen. You need an age appropriate consistent consequence and removing him quickly from the situation is better than hugs or saying sorry as he will quickly learn that's what happens if he lashes out, although worth thinking if he is actually over stimulated and wanting to leave and the behaviour is his way of trying to escape ?? Maybe limit play dates for a while especially if he is at nursery and seeing lots of children there as he may need some down time ?
Definitely one to monitor - all toddlers have aggressive traits and moments but if it's happening a lot and doesn't seem to be just a phase I would talk to your health visitor.

I have two good friends whose boys were like this. Both very gentle, loving mums who were baffled. The boys are now teens and over the primary school years they learned not to lash out at other children, and underneath they are both very kind-hearted/sensitive, but both have displayed what I as a teacher would view as ASD traits. It makes me think back to all the times they hurt my children and I was tempted to just not see them, and I really feel now that they were lashing out as a defence because they couldn't cope with the situation they were in, maybe because of sensory overload? They're now very well-behaved boys who have a couple of friends who share their interests, but they are very close to their parents and don't tend to socialise much, and would find typical teenager activities overwhelming or frightening. Does your DS display any ASD type behaviours?

@Piglet89

Also, 10pm for his getting to sleep, even if not all the time, is far too late.

The poor thing must be exhausted.

My DD 16 months, is going through a hitting phase. I remove her from the sittuation and tell her no. I try not to give her any more attention than "no".

She hit a friend (same age) today at their house, my friend (child's mother) always been okay, just says they all do it and visit their house regularly

A 2 year old doesn’t need a naughty step. Just immediately taking out of the room to interrupt their play every time he hits or pushes. Simply telling him he’s being unkind won’t cut it because 2 year olds don’t have empathy, he’s just learnt to say “sorry” as learned behaviour.

Have a look at Big Little Feelings. Various things on YouTube and they have an Instagram page.

If seeing your DS crying upsets you then how do you think the mum of the child he hurt feels seeing their own DC cry?!

My DS went through a very short biting phase when he was young. Every time we went somewhere I reminded him that biting wasn’t ok and if he did it we’d have to leave. I had to hoick him out of two play dates before he stopped. I’d literally pick him up and go straight away (I obviously warned the other parents in advance that we’d be making a sharp exit if the teeth appeared).

My son hits a lot. He is autistic and it's really tough to make him understand its unacceptable. If he does it we immediately stop and remove myself or whoever he has hit. I think you need to be firmer.
Especially if he is hurting children to leave a handprint! Goodness.
It sounds like he has learned to say sorry but doesn't mean it as he is too young to have a concept of this. I wouldnt be saying this isn't kind, I would be saying a firm NO.

Also my son goes to sleep at 10pm it takes him 2-3 hours to get to sleep. But be is happy bouncing around. It takes a lot to decompress for him.

My partner thinks we should use time out as a consequence, but he cries and it upsets me
🙄🙄

Do you know what upsets other parents? Seeing their toddler get slapped round the face!

You can't allow this sort of thing to happen OP. It's really not OK! You need to hover over him and stop him before he is violent. Do not take your eye off him. If he does manage to hurt another child then you remove him from the situation immediately with a firm "NO, we do not hit" (master that "voice"). Keep him away from other children/toys anything fun for a few minutes (so what if he cries? He just hurt someone, that's completely unacceptable) then take him back to play. Remind him again that "we do not hit". If he does it again then take him straight home. No ifs no buts.

And please don't make him cuddle the other child. Saying sorry is fine but forcing a child to be cuddled by someone who has just hurt them is not OK.

@Biscuitsneeded

My dd bit other children when she was two, and she has absolutely no ASD traits. She did however get consequences.

Pick him up and remove him. Quietly & calmly. Every single time.

Once he realises his behaviour means he is taken away from toys, playing, fun, his peers - it will stop. Natural consequences.

I hate to say if you allow bad behaviour to continue for fear of upsetting him he's going to be shunned, avoided & disliked throughout school. My daughter has a couple in her class who's mothers think they sun shines but they are utter bullies, often picking on the girls. Can only imagine what kind of men they'll turn out to be.

You need to helicopter parent. Immediately take him home if possible or you sit with him on your knee for 2 min time out. Yes he will cry because he isn't getting his own way. If you give in every time he cries you will raise a brat

We are coming out the other side of this phase and it’s really hard. At the time I didn’t believe everyone telling me it was a phase and I literally thought I’d failed my daughter but it did get better, but I had to be proactive.

My daughter (just turned 2) has a really good understanding and her speech is good, so I knew it wasn’t a frustration thing. It was purely attention, so you have to reinforce boundaries without drawing massive amounts of attention to the negative behaviour.

What has worked for us:

-Explaining expectations before a play date ‘Poppy so coming over today, we are going to be kind and play nicely’
-We talk a lot about kind behaviours and really overly positively reinforce good behaviour.
-anytime she’s playing I’m very close by, literally there and ready to remove her from the situation if she was to hit or grab.
-Play dates are always early in the day so she’s not overly tired and keep them short.

• if she hits, firm No, we don’t hit as it’s unkind and remove her from the situation.

-If the behaviour doesn’t improve, we leave.

I’ve also massively reduced her screen time. I’ve seen such an improvement and she’s happier overall as she has clear boundaries.

I'm just adding one comment ... from years of working with children who have disabilities (and mostly at toddler stage of development but MUCH bigger)
Use short sentences...don't go on 'please stop hitting/pushing your friend, that's not very kind' etc
Instead make it short and snappy..and the last word is the one they will actually hear..
'Hitting STOPS'
At not quite two, he isn't going to comprehend long explanations about how it's not nice, etc. Just make sure the last word is the key word.

You’re being far too soft here, OP. My two were pretty good on the whole but on the odd occasion when they weren’t I dealt firmly with it. Pick him up straightaway by the elbows ( not a nice cuddle) and move him out of the way. Keep hold of him and get down on his level and say ‘ no hitting!!’ Or whatever. When he has calmed down, stay by him when he rejoins the group and watch him like a hawk. If he does it again you take him away, straight home. He needs to know that if he does those things he loses out - every time.
Accept that he will cry - and get a grip. If you get upset because he cries when he is being told off he will walk all over you. You need to be in charge and he needs to know it.
Never expect him to hug the child he has just pushed or hit - I would never have let mine be hugged by the child who had just hurt them. That’s the last thing that child wants - they want yours to be away from them.
As PP have said, other parents will keep their DC away from yours if you don’t tackle this now. I’m not a fan of timeouts - I can’t see they work with boisterous kids - my DS2 just ran off. What worked was teaching them that bad behaviour has consequences that they don’t like.

We had a similar issue around 1.5-2 years old with our DD at daycare. Daycare did not do timeouts by policy, but recommended that the child is immediately removed from the situation. When you remove them you have to sit them somewhere quiet and tell them they made X sad by hurting them. You don’t let them leave and go back until you’ve had this moment. Usually our DD would cry at this point and you’d say please go say sorry to your friend, and she would. IMO it was a time out, in its own way. Daycare also recommended reading books about it to them, I think there was “hands arent for hitting” etc. we also talked a lot about being nice to friends and to us. Daycare also made a big effort to do the same. Ultimately I think a lot of her frustration was coming from not being able to communicate what she wanted. At 2 she is suddenly talking a lot and the incidents have more or less subsided completely. If you think it’s communication, sign language can be a useful aid to bridge the gap. I’ll say that both parents have to be ready to watch the child like a hawk and treat the situation the same. If one doesn’t, the messaging will be confusing.

Oh and daycare also used “space” and holding an arm out like a physical stop sign. A lot of incidents were happening due to other kids in general not respecting personal space/boundaries. Between that and taking them to a quiet spot when things got too rowdy, things got better. Like someone else said, we had the same, where prolonged periods of overexcitement seemed to lead to acting out, maybe through exhaustion. So just remembering to sit down and give some quiet time/a drink or snack might help too. Good luck.