Toddler behaviour causing problems

[Behaviour101]

Posting for traffic. I'm desperate for some help. Also posted in behaviour.

My DS is nearly 2 and I'm struggling with behaviour at home and at friends houses.

He pushes and hits other children at home and at his friend's homes. We're starting to see people less and less as they don't really want their child to spend time with mine. I really don't know what to do!

The other day he slapped my friend's child around the face so hard he left a hand print - this was after he pushed him face first into a cupboard. He'll also snatch food and take all of the toys in a room and hide them.

Nursery say he behaves there, it's just everywhere else.

AIBU to think this is just a phase?!

If he is doing it at homes it's because he is allowed too if you have ruled out things like over tiredness, hunger etc somewhere along the line he has learned that nursery behaviour and home behaviour expectations are different. Also there is a huge difference between a just turned 2 year old and a nearly 3 year old. You need to start installing consequences for this behaviour but those consequences depend on his age. At 2 put him in the naughty step if he cries and doesn't like that good as he will stop repeating the bad behaviour, warn him before you go out he must have kind hands or he will go home and take him home the minute he raises his hands to another child and carry through this threat. If you take him to soft play, toddler groups, activities, playdates etc and he hurts another child take him home. Right now he is hurting other kids and that's not acceptable. Yes he is only 2 but that behaviour needs nipped in the bud now or it will only get worse.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but I know a now 7 year old who has always behaved like this and it wasn't nipped in the bud as mum didn't like to upset him. He is now friendless, disliked, violent and a incredibly abusive bully. Nobody bothers with his mum either as she is just the parent who won't discipline her child to other parents. If you know your toddlers behaviour is getting out of control get it back under control. I am saying this as mum of 3 one of whoms kids used to hit as toddler.

PinkSyCo

I think you have missed my point - i never said just let him run wild! (See above)

And yes he is almost 2 so should be very mature and well able to manage his emotions and behaviour! grin

But you seem to think that firmly telling an almost 2 year old ‘No’ is strict discipline. It’s not, it is teaching the child right from wrong!

God, OP: seriously, If I didn’t follow through on consequence for poor behaviour because my son cried there’d be no consequences ever! He hates being told off (particularly by his daddy!) and cries a huge amount.

You need to mean what you say when they’re tagt age or they’ll know you don’t mean business.

Also, 10pm for his getting to sleep, even if not all the time, is far too late.

You need to be managing the situations so he doesn’t get chance to lash out, or you can respond very quickly if he does.
He needs to be removed from the situation of he does lash out, until he is calm again. If you can tell he is getting to the point of lashing out, use distraction as a way of calling the situation.
Children need to learn not to hit and hurt other children, but they also need to learn to manage the feelings that are leading to those behaviours and this starts now

He knows you let him get away with what he does, but wouldn't at nursery, that's why he behaves when he's there.

@Piglet89

Also, 10pm for his getting to sleep, even if not all the time, is far too late.

Depends what time he sleeps till in the morning. My DD slept midnight till noon and was an absolute delight. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@SuperSleepyBaby

He is not going to be acting like this when he is 5 or 6 or 10 or 15 - provided you raise him as you are now - trying your best to teach him the right way to behave. Please don’t over worry - thinking how he might turn out as he grows up based on some difficult behaviour when he is only a one year old baby.

One of my children has autism and had quite difficult behaviour when he was young. It was really stressful at the time. He is 12 now and is totally different from when he was younger. He is calm, kind, well adjusted etc.

Your son is too young to ‘punish’ with time outs. He does not yet have control over his emotions or behaviour.

I second this. And the poster who suggested Big Little Feelings on Instagram.

My kids are early teens now. We had a phase of hitting/anger and its really important not to pathologise or project forward "violent toddler turns into violent child".

In my experience the keys are

• making clear that e.g. "{other child's name} is not for hitting", "food is not for snatching" etc ie calmly, simply and verbally setting a boundary/expectation of what is ok. This is step one, but doesn't need to be laboured.
• looking at what might be the feelings behind the behaviour and empathising with your child (this is where Big Little Feelings is brilliant and will be able to give you the language/tools you need)
• managing situations so that your child isn't given too much scope to cause harm to others; this might mean (calmly) removing him from a situation where he has hit/seems to be getting agitated etc; this could mean premptively reducing your socialising for a bit. It isn't the same as time-outs for behaviour - its not a punishment (this is not needed and can make things worse), its you managing the situation to reduce harm.

Doing this consistently, the phase will pass, though it may take time. His behaviour (at home, with you, because that's where he feels safe) is his acting out feelings that he's too young to express in other ways. My child was much older when we had these challenges, and they too have passed.

I hope this helps. I know it's tough - good luck.

You can see his triggers and should be immediately removing him or distracting him, if he hits you go home straight away. You don't have to shout at him but he needs to get the idea of consequences, if he cries you toughen up for his own good, he's crying because he isn't getting his own way not because he's hurt or even emotionally distressed. Quite frankly it's scary to hear a parent won't parent their child as they don't like to hear them cry, only a psycho would like to hear there child cry but we endure it as it's best for them in the long run!

Just a small point - children don't feel remorse until much older (well into primary) If he's happy to say sorry then he doesn't mean it. He's saying because you asked.

Also I'd stop the hugs when he apologizes to another toddler. My child who would have pushed or shoved him away if he hurt them then approached them again. Another child isn't going to know that he's approaching them for a hug and their instinct will kick in and your son could end up hurt.

You need to get over feeling sad when he cries. Discipline isn't supposed to be pleasant. If you parent him in a way that he doesn't sometimes feel the full range of emotions, you'll be storing problems for later. It's ok for kids to feel the full range of emotions like angry, jealous, tired, embarrassed... the biggest lesson that kids learn when they are 2/3 is about handling their emotions imo. You want him to gradually move to saying " I don't want this snack" rather than throwing it and approaching people with words rather than grabs. It is an unfortunate phase but if you're consistent then he will grow out of it.

Sandrose - very sensible advice - you are more articulate than me!

@PinkSyCo

PinkSyCo - he is a one year old baby - it is a phase!

He’s a toddler. Perhaps it is a phase but none of my children went through it so I guess I was lucky. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Neither did mine

My partner thinks we should use time out as a consequence, but he cries and it upsets me.

Well there you go. The root of most behaviour problema in NT children. A parent who refuses to/is incapable of discipline.

@NavigatingAdolescence it is too late and a toddler sleeping until noon is a completely impractical sleep routine for the vast majority of families.

Anyway, I would bet my house the OP’s son isn’t going to bed at 10pm and sleeping until noon.

How is is sleep OP? Did you always want to bed share or would he not go down to sleep without?

Op have a look at Dr Laura Markham. She's fab. He's too small for time outs. She has a great parenting course that might be worth you looking at.

www.ahaparenting.com

Big Little Feelings on Instagram - game changer.
Be consistent and follow through.
Discipline in the moment and make sure the discipline is relative to the moment.

At that age, he won’t have empathy for the other children. He needs to know that if he hits someone, there will be bad consequences for him. Toddlers cry if you give them a blue cup instead of a red cup, so a few tears because you have got cross aren’t a big deal.

PinkSyCo
PinkSyCo - he is a one year old baby - it is a phase!

He’s a toddler. Perhaps it is a phase but none of my children went through it so I guess I was lucky. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Neither did mine

Thank God for that, I was starting to think something was seriously wrong with my lot!

[quote Piglet89]@NavigatingAdolescence it is too late and a toddler sleeping until noon is a completely impractical sleep routine for the vast majority of families.

Anyway, I would bet my house the OP’s son isn’t going to bed at 10pm and sleeping until noon.

How is is sleep OP? Did you always want to bed share or would he not go down to sleep without?[/quote]
We aren’t all the same. It worked for us.

You may feel it’s too late but millions of children around the world aren’t in bed for the magical 7pm and turn out just fine. (Incidentally, mine is now 11 and studying GCSE level maths.)

I think the fact he knows a lot of words and can mimic hugging/saying sorry/kindness is misleading you into believing he understands more than he does.

He is too young to understand all the whys and wherefores, he is NOT actually capable of being empathetic yet either, the hugging and saying sorry when told to is just a trick he has learned like a dog learns sit.. it doesn't mean much.

So your solution has to be the same response, EVERY time and it has to be swift - within a few seconds, and consistent.

No! Remove from whoever he was hitting/disrupting - if it's at home or nursery then it's going to be for a set time, if its you taking him out then it's out and home straight away.

This isn't at this point punishment as in ' he understands his behaviour meant he lost a priviledge or treat..' it's ending the behaviour so he CANNOT be reinforced by continuing to practice it.

Right now... he hits someone or knocks their food from their hand or pushes them... he gets attention in the form of other kid reacting, an adult talking to him... thats reinforcing the behaviour.

Hes then told to say sorry, and hug - he does, thats also reinforcing as he gets interaction and attention.

Then he can do it again - thats enjoyable.. and then the cycle repeats!

From my POV as a dog trainer/behaviourist I'd also be looking at whether there is an alternative outlet for some of his behaviour.

Obviously theres no appropriate way to go around slapping people, but there are appropriate outlets for lots of behaviours that may fit the bill - bouncing, kicking balls, throwing balls or beanbags etc.

IF you can find something that fulfills a need he has... then the chances of reducing the unwanted behaviour are far higher.

Say "be gentle" and hold his hands to stop the hitting. He is a baby, it is a phase, and you will just need to be watching over him closely for the next couple of months. My daughter did a similar thing around the same age, it lasted about 6 weeks from memory. The only thing I could do was to stop the hurting before it happened by following her everywhere.

I’m making assumptions here but it might be relevant.

You need to prioritise his social development for a while rather than your own - by which I mean a play date isn’t an opportunity for coffee and chat with another adult. You need to be on the floor, in arms reach, guiding and distracting as necessary.

You might need to enlist a friend for this, actually spell out that you need help socialising him.

Ime it’s not so much that difficult dc lose these opportunities to play, but it’s about parents not being on top of it.

You don’t have to be overly harsh or punitive but you do have to be fully present, and get in there to praise appropriate play and block him from hurting other dc.

YANBU it’s just a phase. Does it only really happen when you are seeing friends as maybe it’s because your attention is away from him? This is tough. My youngest used to hate play dates and would scream if I tried to talk to anyone. She was only happy if I got out of the situation and was with her one to one. This was so difficult and stopped me socialising with her around which made her very happy but me very lonely. This may be your son’s way of saying he doesn’t want to socialise? It’s tough but it is just a phase.

I might be old fashioned - however I'm not TOTALLY married to routine.

At this age, most children can sleep better, and independently. He may need more sleep at night, and less during the day.

As PPs have said, his empathy / awareness of what others are thinking or feeling. He needs to understand no / stop. Keep it really simple.

We never did time out, or had a naughty step, or naughty spot, but we did remove our children from the action (temporarily) so that they can refocus. Any chair, sofa, rug will do. Don't watch like a hawk or try to distract - I mean keep an eye on them, but don't over-exert yourself.

I also don't believe in the 'kind hands' or 'hands aren't for hitting', - I just think it's too complex at this age.

So - DS whacks another child with a toy...

You say, "Toby, stop that. We don't hit.". Then pick him up, take him not too far away, but away from whatever is happening. Firmly sit him down. Repeat "We don't hit, now sit there for two minutes and be a good boy". then make him do it. Then at the end, make him say sorry and let him go back to whatever he was doing.

Rinse and repeat.

Obviously if it gets really bad then you may have to leave. But I think a toddler this age can't really make the connection between their behaviour / going home - unless they are literally in no fit state to go back to the activity. Your response has to be immediate and meaningful to them. And don't worry about a few toddler tears fgs!!

If you don't discipline as you don't like to see him crying then this is all your own doing. Your child will grow bigger and uncontrollable and it won't only be him not making friends that you will have to worry about.