Was I wrong to send him in like this?

[Longcovid21]

Reality check needed.
Ds 10 had massive holes in his trainers which appeared out of nowhere. A few days ago I saw a sale on the vans website and so took the opportunity to buy him some nice new shoes. They look like this.
www.schuh.co.uk/kids/junior-vans-old-skool-metallic-flame-black-and-silver-trainers/2662457850/

He hates them. He says they are too showy and was crying that he wanted to wear the trainers with holes in instead. Usually I let him choose his own shoes but on this occasion I just spotted a bargain.

Was I being unreasonable to basically make him wear the shoes and tell him that if he wore shoes with holes in school may contact social services for neglect (I was feeling desperate).

He was in tears. It was stressful all around.
I need a reality check about whether I was BU to push it? Normally he has his own way but I just couldn't send him in in bad holey shoes.

I like them. But they wouldn’t be allowed in my kids’ school but I’m in England. I’d be harsh too and would have sent my kids to school in shoes they didn’t like if they were new, fit for purpose and fit.

@77kidsandcounting

To the posters saying the boy will get bullied for those etc, at the school my sons go to they would get bullied for wearing leather shoes! They would actually die of embarrasment if i bought them leather shoes for school, so think about that while on your high horse.

I think it's the shiny flames on the sides that he'll get bullied for.

as a teacher I am surprised you are on mumsnet during the school day.

You really are a pleasant one, aren't you.

Even teachers have breaks.

Or maybe she is isolating, or off sick, or works part time

Kids get bullied when they don’t fit in.

Surely this is an argument for everyone to be raising better children and schools to be addressing bullying. I'd love to make it so my child "fits in". Sadly we can't just buy things that change what makes her stick out.

Thankfully, the kids and school here seem to be better.

I don't see this as a "he'll get bullied" issue, it's a "he should be comfortable in the clothes he wears" issue.

I always used to worry about my sons trainers as he was constantly getting holes in them. Until he had a group of friends come round, they all kicked their shoes off in the hall and all had holes in! I worry less now.

What was he doing that the trainers ended up in that state in one day? Sorry but they’ve been falling apart for weeks not one day.

If my dd had such a visceral reaction which was out of character then no, I wouldn’t force her to wear that item of clothing. Imagine if your husband forced you to wear an item of clothing you cried over, how would that make you feel? Just because he’s a child doesn’t mean his opinion is invalid.

You’ve also made it so you can’t return the shoes and buy a more fitting pair, which is a shame if money is tight. I do appreciate money is tight but he really does need more than one pair of trainers too, it’s not good for adult feet, let alone growing feet, to be in the same pair of shoes daily. I’d probably sort through his clothes and toys and sell things he doesn’t use / has grown out of to get a couple of pairs of trainers he can alternate.

Well he's 10, so you need to check in with him.

And they don't look like school shoes so I take his point (I like them though).

Why don't you have a look on ebay? Lot's of hardly worn shoes and trainers there and you can avoid a sweat shop purchase.

@PrettyBluebells

Get a good permanent marker and colour out the silver.

I would try this.

They aren't trainers, though OP. The Vans are fine but you have to be into that style to feel comfortable wearing them. The photo of the old trainers show that your DS is into trainers that he can have a kick about in, not skate style footwear.

@BoredZelda

Kids get bullied when they don’t fit in.

Surely this is an argument for everyone to be raising better children and schools to be addressing bullying. I'd love to make it so my child "fits in". Sadly we can't just buy things that change what makes her stick out.

Thankfully, the kids and school here seem to be better.

I don't see this as a "he'll get bullied" issue, it's a "he should be comfortable in the clothes he wears" issue.

Is there any wonder that kids bully when their mothers carry on like this over a pair of shoes? My ds would never pick on anyone for what they were wearing or what they look like. But then I wouldn't come on an online forum and lay into another parent over something so petty either.

Ah, YABU but I feel a bit sorry for you because I'm guessing you thought they were nice and a 'good' name so they would be a nice surprise - and instead he went to school in tears.
They are too showy and yy if our DC went to school with shoes like that, people would tease them. I'm guessing since your DS was in tears he expects the same.
It would have made more sense to let him wear his holey trainers one last day and send the Vans back for a refund.

No don't send him in with shoes he hates. My mother did that to me when I was about 11 and I felt really uncomfortable and different from everyone else. I still haven't forgotten it 30 years later. Go with him to choose some new ones.

I was never allowed to choose my clothes, right into my late teens. It would have been nice to even bounce my opinion off DM or to be offered a choice between two affordable or appropriate options that she preferred.
My mother (now) freely admits that she has zero sense of style or fashion and never did. So you can imagine the horrors I ended up in.
And I got horrendously bullied as a result. I was being bullied anyway for various spurious reasons but my ridiculous clothing only compounded the attention I drew from those little fuckers and gave them further ammo.

So with DS as soon as he was old enough to voice a preference, he's always had a choice about what he wears, barring his uniform. We work together. I want him to get a warm water resistant jacket, I shortlist and explain why he needs one like that then he picks the colour or design.

Now, I've been in your situation where holes literally appeared overnight, I've sent him in with an emergency pair either rooted out from hand-me-downs from cousins or primark plimsolls as a last resort until we order a pair he likes together.

They are fucking horrendous. No wonder he was crying.

He's ten, he hated them and was crying. Sorry, OP, YABU.

I love Vans but that is one fugly as pair of sneaks.

The crux of the matter here is, if someone bought you a pair of shoes not asked for and which you really did not like at all, which made you cry, how would you feel, being sent to school in them and having to sit in them all day, and being worried about SS? His feelings matter and this is the problem here?

By the way, you can buy supercheap but named trainers on sportsdirect and they deliver to most places, you could buy another pair from there. I also recommend geox for longevity, the leather ones are really tough, last a whole season easily, and are comfy, and they come in a variety of styles so dc and I can usually agree on something.

He? They’re fine. I bet no one noticed

@Onlywomengivebirth

He? They’re fine. I bet no one noticed

What do you mean by "he"? Do you mean if it is a boy they won't care?! Or was that a typo?

I like the shoes but not for school. Will he wear them outside of school op.

@BoredZelda

Kids get bullied when they don’t fit in.

Surely this is an argument for everyone to be raising better children and schools to be addressing bullying. I'd love to make it so my child "fits in". Sadly we can't just buy things that change what makes her stick out.

Thankfully, the kids and school here seem to be better.

I don't see this as a "he'll get bullied" issue, it's a "he should be comfortable in the clothes he wears" issue.

100% this

It was a typo phewphew. was meant to be ‘eh?’

I wouldn't have made him wear them because 1) they're fucking ugly and 2) now you can't return them.

@Longcovid21

Holes don't appear overnight No they appeared one day.

They weren't £37 BTW that's not the sale price.

I guess I will be forced to get some shitty sweat shop trainers from sports direct then. Gosh you lot are conservative 😊. But point taken. No one likes them.

I wouldn't consider myself conservative (nor a 10 year old boy) but those trainers aren't actually very nice. Isn't a 10 year old, old enough to choose?

I don't think the reference to social services was great either!

I think a lot of people are also missing the point here - you threatened that the school would call social services because his shoes had holes in them? You know yourself it wasn’t right to tell him that.