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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Your job is not as important as my job”

136 replies

MarcelDuchamp1 · 02/03/2022 09:32

I work part time, Mon-Fri.
I am part of huge arts organisation and my job is focussed on producing a large piece of national research. Part of my job entails hosting board meetings online via zoom, 5 times throughout the year.
I told DH the dates last year, so he could put them in his diary and be available to collect DS from school on those days, as I’ll be working a full day to prepare and host the board meetings.
DH works remotely from home and goes into his London office maybe once a week.
I have a board meeting next week which I need to host remotely and DH was aware of this but has decided he’s going into the London office that day. Not a necessity, but he wants a face to face with his team. He could do this any day.
He just said because he works full time and he earns more money, his job is more important than mine.
I think this is possibly the most disrespectful thing he’s ever said and I am outraged that he actually believes this is the case - AIBU?

OP posts:
Lookingforatimeslip · 02/03/2022 09:34

That’s really shitty behaviour! He was given the dates and sounds like he’s screwed up and forgotten or he’s being a complete bastard and doing it on purpose to keep you in your place.

Susu49 · 02/03/2022 09:36

If he's going to ne that much of a dick then his Great Big Very Very Important Job can pay for the babysitter then can't it?

Flowers
WhatsWithAllTheCarrots · 02/03/2022 09:36

I think that's shocking. You've given him months of notice. If he won't budge, it's up to him to arrange alternative care for your DS - don't you do it!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 02/03/2022 09:37

YANBU at all. He’s being a knob.

However, there does sometimes need to be a hierarchy in terms of flexibility at work. For example, my DH gets more paid parental leave than me and can take days off more easily so if our DDs need looking after, he usually does it. If he absolutely can’t, then I will but my job is harder to be flexible (teacher) and I will have to take it unpaid.

Your situation doesn’t sound like this though. It sounds like he doesn’t respect what you do at all.

JohnLapsleyParlabane · 02/03/2022 09:37

You are so not being unreasonable.
He's being a prick

DoNotTouchTheWater · 02/03/2022 09:37

That is totally unacceptable. You’re right.

He needs to collect your DS from school or make alternative arrangements for himself.

But the lack of respect for you is a bigger issue that needs to be addressed. I would wager a great deal that this isn’t the only way his dreadful attitude shows itself. It might be something counselling can help with.

MorningStarling · 02/03/2022 09:37

Is it definite that he can't move it? Maybe that's the day he has to announce to his team that he is making them redundant - this sort of thing should be done face to face and the manager doesn't necessarily have control over when he tells them. It would explain his attitude too, obviously he can't tell you what the real problem is.

Clymene · 02/03/2022 09:38

What an arsehole. I would just refuse to sort out school pick up for your DS as it's his responsibility to sort out.

And seriously consider your relationship

Aquamarine1029 · 02/03/2022 09:39

This isn't just about his attitude towards your job, it's indicative of how much he respects you as a person. Very little, apparently.

GalactatingGoddess · 02/03/2022 09:40

Unacceptable!

He's being disrespectful and unfair. He has voiced his true opinions about your job, he is Mr Bigshot and you are just doing your airy fairy work/hobby. I have a friend whose husband does this to her frequently and it has destroyed her career as she often picks up the slack and therefore has to compromise massively at work/cut things off short notice as he will not support her.

He needs telling about his business and he needs to sort childcare!

MonkeyPuddle · 02/03/2022 09:41

I would be utterly incensed that he viewed me and my job with such little respect. I am livid for you.
He needs to sort his misogynistic opinions out and buck his ideas up pronto.

Shoxfordian · 02/03/2022 09:42

He has no respect for you at all

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 02/03/2022 09:44

@MorningStarling but he didn't say that his day was more important than hers, he said based on the hours he worked and the money he brings in his job is more important.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/03/2022 09:45

That’s really shockingly bad! Especially as it doesn’t have to be that day - it’s not like it’s an emergency that has come up. He’s actually saying your job is not important at all. That he can put in anything he likes at any stage, and whatever you have planned with however much notice has to go.

He needs to book childcare if he won’t move his “face to face”

Original poster
MarcelDuchamp1 · 02/03/2022 09:45

It’s the fact that he said “my job is more important than your job” which has made me rage!
Him saying that suggests he has absolutely no respect for what I do.
He told me he can move the face to face meeting in London if he has to and then straight after, made that shitty comment!
I’m fuming!

OP posts:
Whatifitallgoesright · 02/03/2022 09:52

He is knowingly sabotaging your job although I expect if you said that to him he would accuse you of hyperbole. He is ok with you worrying so much you can't prepare properly and it effecting your performance. He doesn't care that he's capable of alleviating this but can choose not to. I would be planning and seriously withdrawing from him in many ways if I was you.

girlmom21 · 02/03/2022 09:54

Tell him when he's presenting to the board rather than just having a chat with people who report into him you'll prioritise his high and mighty job.

Twat.

Grinling · 02/03/2022 09:55

DH earns five times what I do, but would be the first to acknowledge that his job is less important than mine in terms of what we both do.

rookiemere · 02/03/2022 09:59

Tell him you're giving up your oh so
Unimportant job then as clearly he doesn't need the money from it.

Original poster
MarcelDuchamp1 · 02/03/2022 10:04

He really believes that. It’s not the first time he’s said it or alluded to it.
My job is actually very niche and it can be a very difficult career to get into, so I don’t know why he views me in that way at all.
It’s very upsetting.

OP posts:
mummykel16 · 02/03/2022 10:06

@MarcelDuchamp1

I work part time, Mon-Fri. I am part of huge arts organisation and my job is focussed on producing a large piece of national research. Part of my job entails hosting board meetings online via zoom, 5 times throughout the year. I told DH the dates last year, so he could put them in his diary and be available to collect DS from school on those days, as I’ll be working a full day to prepare and host the board meetings. DH works remotely from home and goes into his London office maybe once a week. I have a board meeting next week which I need to host remotely and DH was aware of this but has decided he’s going into the London office that day. Not a necessity, but he wants a face to face with his team. He could do this any day. He just said because he works full time and he earns more money, his job is more important than mine. I think this is possibly the most disrespectful thing he’s ever said and I am outraged that he actually believes this is the case - AIBU?
Is he correct?
BoodleBug51 · 02/03/2022 10:15

That's so disrespectful Sad

And I bet you work part time, do all the childcare and housework..... and carry 100% of the family mental load.

Bastard.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 02/03/2022 10:17

Correct about what? That his job is More Important because he earns more? That he doesn’t need to make arrangements to fit around his family commitments?

Seriously, one of the (many) problems I have with my estranged husband is that he is openly contemptuous of my career and views salary as the determinant of social worth. He Is Wrong. I might earn 1/3 of what he does, but arguably my job has far more social worth than his.

But that isn’t even the point. We both work FT but only one of us is ever inconvenienced by our son being off nursery yet again. Or is unable to travel because of family responsibilities. His attitude is shit. And misogynistic. And that’s not ok.

cheeseismydownfall · 02/03/2022 10:18

Absolutely appalling from your DH. Does he have form for this?

DH works full-time, I work part-time. He earns around 4x what I do, owing to the fact we have prioritised his career and I have focussed on the children.

If the shit absolutely went down, then we would both prioritise his job, no question, because it would be the right thing for the family. But day-to-day my job is treated as equally important and we both cover for each other when we have extra demands. We plan it together as a team, because we are a team.

SolasAnla · 02/03/2022 10:19

MorningStarling her husband is facing life work-changing challanges but is not willing to discuss this so he is engaging in domestic sabotage of her employment, plus the OP is mistaken in her observations and understanding of what was said. Sounds like a great relationship.

OP, even if you were being paid to sweep the floor of the closed down building which is to be knocked down the next day, he is being a prick.

If they are his children he has 100% responibilty to look after them 24/7.
When you are available its still his job.

I would be examining your relationship in financial terms because he is. Is it 50/50 sharing if income and lifestyle? Are you legally married to him? How are your finances organised and what provision has been made for your financial futures etc. If he thinks he is the chair and the board of directors whats your job title?

Once you have a serious discussion if that is still his attitude you need to take steps to protect your financial interests because he wont