“Your job is not as important as my job”

[MarcelDuchamp1]

I work part time, Mon-Fri.
I am part of huge arts organisation and my job is focussed on producing a large piece of national research. Part of my job entails hosting board meetings online via zoom, 5 times throughout the year.
I told DH the dates last year, so he could put them in his diary and be available to collect DS from school on those days, as I’ll be working a full day to prepare and host the board meetings.
DH works remotely from home and goes into his London office maybe once a week.
I have a board meeting next week which I need to host remotely and DH was aware of this but has decided he’s going into the London office that day. Not a necessity, but he wants a face to face with his team. He could do this any day.
He just said because he works full time and he earns more money, his job is more important than mine.
I think this is possibly the most disrespectful thing he’s ever said and I am outraged that he actually believes this is the case - AIBU?

@lanthanum

"Of course your job is more important, dear, which is why I collect DS on 185 days and ask you to do the remaining five."

(That ignores the question of whether it is really more "important", but that depends on what you're looking at, really. Sometimes one job is more "important" to family finances than the other. However a job that is few hours and low-paid might be more important in terms of impact on others if it is not done. I don't think we've ever thought in terms of importance in our household, although there is a huge disparity in our earnings. )

Exactly this response. Mildly. And make it clear you expect he'll sort it out as it's one of his 5 days and he's long known it.

I do know how you feel. I had similar said to me years ago when I had gone part time after maternity leave. A couple of months later his company were doing rounds of redundancy and I pointed out that if he became redundant, he could stay home and do majority of the childcare while I could go back full time with my “unimportant job” and be the major breadwinner. He never referred to my job as being less important than his again.

I’d ask him if his job is more important than being a parent to his own kids? I’d also tell him that you don’t appreciate his attempt to sabotage your career and to get on and sort childcare out on that day if he can’t be bothered to be there himself for his own child.

Your situation work-wise sounds very similar to mine and DH's. He has sometimes not done small things that might have been helpful e.g. not walked the DC 5 mins to school so that I could get to an external meeting earlier. However he is very aware that my job (combination of paid PT work, ALL DC related stuff and running the home) is as important as his and he wouldn't dare a) book in an unnecessary day in the office if he knew I had an important thing; or b) say that his job was more important because he earns more. He knows very well he'd have no bollocks left if he did.

Gross! This is why 'the husband working FT and the woman working PT' pisses me off - because the man inevitably feels his role is more important by the higher %ge of family money that he brings in and the fact that his work is given primacy within the family and in society.

Vom vom vom - more male entitlement and self importance rearing its head!

Move to full time and make him do part time!

My husband is lucky his line of work pays more per hour than mine. He doesn't think that means his work is therefore more important. He also works more hours than me as I want to do school pick ups etc. If he needs to do pick because I have have to work, then he will try his best as we are a team.

I know far, far too many men who seem to consider their wives' jobs as "her little hobby." It may never be said out loud, but their actions speak for them. I am so sorry that you are married to one of those men.

This is control. Gaslighting. It's awful.

He knows it's important so he's trying to screw it up for you. I'd be off.

Do not cover for him. Get someone else to - very publicly.

I come across this attitude quite frequently in respect to the arts. Many people, especially those in finance, see it as a pleasant "extra" for women.

Totally unacceptable to call a relationship in to question because of this. Some of these replies are just too aggressive and personal.

I hate to say this. But take it from me he won't get better. I fell for the 'my job pays the bills and is full time and so must be protected at all costs' line. It basically ramped up from there. I'm now getting divorced (5 years later). He's still saying 'i don't work properly and I need a better job etc etc. Conveniently forgetting about who looks after the children. His children too. No understanding that you can only have a 'very big and important job' if someone looks after your children when you are climbing the greasy pole. For someone very bright he's really struggled with that one.
It's like a stuck record. I hope you manage to convince him but I'm sorry to say that he already doesn't value you and your life.

My ex also when really pressed admitted he thought he worked harder than people on minimum wage... after that I knew there was no hope!

@AryaStarkWolf

Is he correct?

Jesus christ

OP works for an arts organisation.

I think part of the issue might be that the arts aren't seen as being so 'important' in this country. Hence the curriculum in schools being heavily STEM focused.

@StargazerAli

Totally unacceptable to call a relationship in to question because of this. Some of these replies are just too aggressive and personal.

It’s unacceptable to call a relationship into question when your partner is openly dismissive of your job and actually tells you he is more important than you?

Your bar is clearly below the floor.

My husband does this too. It drives me med but I get it, he earns consistently more than me because I allow it being the childcare. I sometimes wonder wether I should be trying to build my business or just being the 1950s housewife he expects me to be. Makes me sad!

@Waferbiscuit

Gross! This is why 'the husband working FT and the woman working PT' pisses me off - because the man inevitably feels his role is more important by the higher %ge of family money that he brings in and the fact that his work is given primacy within the family and in society.

Vom vom vom - more male entitlement and self importance rearing its head!

Move to full time and make him do part time!

Agree @Waferbiscuit

I love that my DH and I both work similar hours, earn similar £ and respect each other's contributions to household income. I would hate someone to treat my role as pin money / hobby work

Ugh, my ex is consistently saying things like that.

Me - I'm really busy at work at the moment and having to work late on Wednesday nights. Could you have her some Wednesdays?

Him - I'm busy too. I work and then I have Spanish and then I have judo and then I have to skateboard.

Me - okay but those are your hobbies, you choose to do them, I need to work.

Him - if you think about it you really choose to work

🤦‍♀️

He tries to compete with me who is more involved in our DDs life, me or him. Hmm, I have DD 24 nights a month, he has her 6. There's really no comparison but he will still make it some weird competition. He says because DD is at school I'm actually spending less time with her than he is. The thing is though he just goes off in this tangent himself no idea where it's coming from.

He always tries to have weird Spanish quizzes with me to see who knows the most Spanish even though I've told him im not interested in playing his weird ass games.

When we were both at uni his course was better than mine with more prospects as he would often tell me.

His time is more important than mine.

His family is more important than mine.

His job is more important than mine.

Sorry im ranting but yeah basically some dickhead men think everything they do is better than anything a woman does or can do.

@CarolinaStabril 'Focused' and 'focussed' are two spellings of the same word: Focused (one 's') is the standard spelling of this term in modern English. Focussed (with a double 's') is a rare variant spelling, although it is more common in British and Australian English than it is in American English.

He's done it deliberately to try and show you who's the "boss" in your household.He is dick swinging.

Does he feel inferior in other parts of his life eg at work so seems to bully his own wife to make himself feel important?

Out of interest;how are chores/childcare divided up?;often people with attitudes like his do very little in the house/with the kids (or be a Disney parent).

In every job I've had I've had the "my job/my career is more important BS" off the DH.

My husband said that once, as a reason for being a pathetic non contributing arsehole for a major change in our lives. He was drunk but I went nuclear. I said (the next day when I’d calmed down) that I couldn’t make him free up space from work, all I could do was free up as much of his other time as I could so I was not available for hanging out, going out, casual conversation, any casual time together until he'd contributed to us. And he’s not been stupid enough to ever ever say that again. We have 3 dc now but I’d either have him go to his mums or I’d check into a hotel letting him manage the kids if it ever happened again, that is not something you get to say to me twice.

@Susu49

If he's going to ne that much of a dick then his Great Big Very Very Important Job can pay for the babysitter then can't it?

Yes follow through with this OP

@Clymene

What an arsehole. I would just refuse to sort out school pick up for your DS as it's his responsibility to sort out.

And seriously consider your relationship

This ^^^

I’d remind him that you gave him ample notice. You respect entirely his decision to go into the office but that doesn’t change your commitment. That means you are unavailable for DS that day and you assume he has/will sort an alternative arrangement.

And, I’d be questioning things too.

Awful, but this isn't the first time.

This is who he is.
This is what he thinks.

This is not a man who you should depend on, because he couldn't love you and say that.

Do not have more children with this twat.

Protect that job and career.

I predict you are going to need it.

This is deal breaker stuff in a marriage so whilst I am not saying LTB, I am saying that you should be put on notice as to exactly who he is and what he thinks.

He certainly isn't a good man.

Be prepared.

This man has serious narcissistic issues. He needs to feel he is Top Dog to your Underdog in order to shore up his fragile ego. I recommend a very experienced counsellor or psychotherapist for him, and maybe couple counselling for you. There are no easy answers here for you, OP. Look after yourself, make sure you have an exit strategy, and good luck

Also OP, I work in the arts and it is hard work - long hours, lots of additional tasks, little compensation and certainly no bonuses. But it's also incredibly important, especially at a time when the arts have really been decimated.

And in terms of its value to society, definitely more than being a hedge fund manager or doing IT in the financial sector.

So ignore what your DH says, your work will have longer lasting value to the world even if he thinks his is more important now!

My blood is boiling reading this. My DH has done similar to me. I wouldn’t let this go - it’s so unfair, unhelpful to you and inconsiderate. I hope he changes his mind and helps you out because that’s all you’re asking for - and after all you’ve done for him. Maddening.