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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Your job is not as important as my job”

136 replies

MarcelDuchamp1 · 02/03/2022 09:32

I work part time, Mon-Fri.
I am part of huge arts organisation and my job is focussed on producing a large piece of national research. Part of my job entails hosting board meetings online via zoom, 5 times throughout the year.
I told DH the dates last year, so he could put them in his diary and be available to collect DS from school on those days, as I’ll be working a full day to prepare and host the board meetings.
DH works remotely from home and goes into his London office maybe once a week.
I have a board meeting next week which I need to host remotely and DH was aware of this but has decided he’s going into the London office that day. Not a necessity, but he wants a face to face with his team. He could do this any day.
He just said because he works full time and he earns more money, his job is more important than mine.
I think this is possibly the most disrespectful thing he’s ever said and I am outraged that he actually believes this is the case - AIBU?

OP posts:
Helpel · 02/03/2022 11:18

yeah i think he's confused and needs guidance around job importance! His might be more 'important' if the conext was 'one of you has to quit your ojb tomorrow, who's it going to be?' because in this scenario he earns more so it would be more important for him to keep his. However, when is life that simple (or when would that scenario come up?!)
So in a broader and more realistic context, yours is more important to keep the family and home life ticking over, yours is more important to allow him to continue in his full time career, yours is more important in the specific scenario because you specifically requested those very few days. So he can go fuck himself.

sashh · 02/03/2022 11:26

What he is actually saying is that HE is more important than you and your dc together.

Is he a paramedic? Did he invent the covid vaccine? Has he saved a life today?

Oh sorry, those jobs are paid very little so are not important.

Tell him he is being a dick.

horseymum · 02/03/2022 11:26

I think if someone's job is really important then they have the influence to shift things around to suit them. ( Unless a medical professional) Maybe his job isn't as important as he thinks?

Velvian · 02/03/2022 11:28

If you couldn't fund your lifestyle on 1 income, it is irrelevant. That's before you even consider that you have just as much right to a career as he does.

Any illness or accident could befall him at any time. He needs the financial stability that you provide just as much as the reverse.

MrKlaw · 02/03/2022 11:28

@rookiemere

I'm sure OP is well aware she earns less than her DH *@MrKlaw* . Doesn't matter how it's meant it's a scummy thing to say to a loved one with a perfectly reasonable ask with loads of notice.
You’re totally right - apologies if if sounded defensive of the husbands stance, it wasn’t intended at all
Original poster
MarcelDuchamp1 · 02/03/2022 11:28

Thanks so much for the responses. I totally know and agree that his attitude stinks!
I think his view of me sometimes leaves a lot to be desired. I think we differ greatly in what we perceive as successful and important.
I very much show support and pride for his achievements- they are tangibly rewarded by a big wage. I feel he doesn’t understand my achievements are just as good, they are just not rewarded by a big pay packet.
He has now said he will wfh that day.
We have a lot to talk about still..

OP posts:
puffyisgood · 02/03/2022 11:29

YANBU.

"Your job is not as important as my job” is a real thing but it really kicks in crucially only in certain situations, e.g. one of you needs to give up work; one of you needs to go part time; etc etc.

Less important's job's Board meeting sounds vastly more important than more important job's general facetime.

Brainwave89 · 02/03/2022 12:20

What I am hearing is he is more important than you. He should understand that this is important to you and accomodate your needs.

Dixiechickonhols · 02/03/2022 12:24

Not surprised you are fuming. It’s the old when someone shows you their true colours moment.
How does future look to you. Do you want to increase hours, go for promotion etc.
You need to have a serious discussion.

BlingLoving · 02/03/2022 12:29

It wouldn't matter if your job earns twice as much as him - in my experience, the man's job is always more important/more difficult to flex (if you work in a supermarket and a child is sick, you will have to drop the shift because it's badly paid and he can't risk his job. If HE is the one who works in a supermarket and a child is sick, you will have to adapt your job because it's more flexible and if he does he'll be letting people down).

I earn at leat 5x what DH does. I am with sick DD right now because the reality is that my seniority etc means that it IS easier (although not less irritating) for me to do the flexibility thing.

BlingLoving · 02/03/2022 12:30

Should clarify - I'm okay with it in my situation, although annoyed. I'm just making a point. And OP, your H is being a complete and utter wanker.

balalake · 02/03/2022 12:54

Awful, and you gave at least three months notice.

I am convinced that the more important a person thinks their job is, the less it is in reality. If it ws physics no doubt someone would have named a law after it.

SafferUpNorth · 02/03/2022 13:18

I get this too occasionally. Not just for work commitments but social things too. It's usually because my DH is being defensive because he forgot. Men do that. Trying to wriggle out of a double booking with some ridiculous excuse.

Just tell him calmly it's been in the dairy for months, you WILL be in the board meeting all day and he WILL be sorting the kids. And if he can't be there himself, it's up to him to arrange alternative cover/care for them.

Lampzade · 02/03/2022 13:25

He doesn’t respect you or your contribution to the household. That is the problem

wingscrow · 02/03/2022 13:25

Awful, arrogant and disrespectful behaviour.

Maxiedog123 · 02/03/2022 13:28

Agree, definitely wanker behaviour

Theskullycup · 02/03/2022 13:30

What he is actually saying is that he is more important than you are.

He is a twat.

CityMumma78 · 02/03/2022 16:10

That was a hugely disrespectful thing to say and by doing so has belittled your career and tried to put you down. It sounds like he is as an inferiority complex!

dottymac · 02/03/2022 16:16

This is the reason I'm not rushing into getting a job after being a sahm for almost a decade - I know that every child sick day/sports day/inset day would be automatically defaulted to me, despite my husband's being keen for me to work. The practicalities and logistics would just result in my trying (and failing to keep another plate spinning with minimal help). Your job is important, how dare he act that way - I'm angry for you.

thepeopleversuswork · 02/03/2022 16:18

My ex used to do this sort of thing all the time. He unilaterally decided that he couldn't ever leave work early to do any pick-ups or drop-offs and that I needed to arrange to WFH permanently (this was long before COVID and not possible). Even though I earned rough three times what he did. Because he was the man and it would "look bad" if he did that.

TBH this is the last bastion of feminism for me. Even the most supposedly "progressive" blokes really struggle with the idea that their partners' jobs should ever be prioritised over theirs. It's pathetic.

I divorced mine. Not sure if you're quite there yet but we'll never get to parity with men socially or financially as long as we tolerate this sort of shit.

violetbunny · 02/03/2022 19:29

That comment would give me so much rage my vagina would shrivel whenever he came within a 5 meter radius.

ChocolateMassacre · 02/03/2022 20:08

I think you need to get away from the 'importance' issue because regardless of how he backtracks, he's clearly going to go on thinking that his job is more important.

The tack I would take is this...he undertook to be responsible for those days. You gave him the dates and he (either explicitly or implicitly) agreed to do them. Not doing what you promise you will do makes you a flaky, shitty unreliable human being, regardless of how 'important' your job is. Because decent human beings do the things which they say they will do, rather than trying to wriggle out of them. So regardless of his career importance, he's a bit of a shitbag isn't he, if he's trying to go back on what was agreed.

Greengagesnfennel · 02/03/2022 20:30

Glad to see that he's sorted it. I would've replied that fortunately for me his opinion on the matter of job importance was irrelevant. I'd booked the date and if he's so important at work then he can either reschedule his minions or be a bit better at organisation in his super senior role and not mess up in the first place. I would suggest he checks the dates I'd given him for the next ones too as he'd better be aware my bookings are non negotiable. A good reason I might discuss but a pathetic attempt at a personal dig to get out of it - short shrift.

Darbs76 · 02/03/2022 20:32

I’d be furious and he would be re-arranging or he’d be finding someone else to pick the child up

CarolinaStabril · 02/03/2022 20:33

@MarcelDuchamp1

I work part time, Mon-Fri. I am part of huge arts organisation and my job is focussed on producing a large piece of national research. Part of my job entails hosting board meetings online via zoom, 5 times throughout the year. I told DH the dates last year, so he could put them in his diary and be available to collect DS from school on those days, as I’ll be working a full day to prepare and host the board meetings. DH works remotely from home and goes into his London office maybe once a week. I have a board meeting next week which I need to host remotely and DH was aware of this but has decided he’s going into the London office that day. Not a necessity, but he wants a face to face with his team. He could do this any day. He just said because he works full time and he earns more money, his job is more important than mine. I think this is possibly the most disrespectful thing he’s ever said and I am outraged that he actually believes this is the case - AIBU?
Focused has one s