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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Your job is not as important as my job”

136 replies

MarcelDuchamp1 · 02/03/2022 09:32

I work part time, Mon-Fri.
I am part of huge arts organisation and my job is focussed on producing a large piece of national research. Part of my job entails hosting board meetings online via zoom, 5 times throughout the year.
I told DH the dates last year, so he could put them in his diary and be available to collect DS from school on those days, as I’ll be working a full day to prepare and host the board meetings.
DH works remotely from home and goes into his London office maybe once a week.
I have a board meeting next week which I need to host remotely and DH was aware of this but has decided he’s going into the London office that day. Not a necessity, but he wants a face to face with his team. He could do this any day.
He just said because he works full time and he earns more money, his job is more important than mine.
I think this is possibly the most disrespectful thing he’s ever said and I am outraged that he actually believes this is the case - AIBU?

OP posts:
Onlyforcake · 02/03/2022 10:20

Once you've chosen to have a child your responsibility gets to trump your oh so important job. Hmm he was given a family commitment and he's acting like a teenager. He has to sort the childcare, right away.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 02/03/2022 10:25

You gave him plenty of notice.
He chose to have a non-important meeting that day.
He needs to sort out his childcare.
Not your problem - turn your phone off that day and the day before if necessary and find somewhere else to host your Board Meeting from even if it's a travelodge

AryaStarkWolf · 02/03/2022 10:26

Is he correct?

Jesus christ

TheKeatingFive · 02/03/2022 10:26

Classic dick swinging behaviour. What an arse.

I'd go back to him and say your job is important to you and the family at large. He's had ample time to prepare for this, so childcare is his issue to solve.

Keep it calm, matter of fact and unyielding.

DameHelena · 02/03/2022 10:28

Have you ever had or tried to have a conversation about his attitude?
Have you asked him if he thinks it's acceptable to say things like that to you? Does he acknowledge at all that comments like that are unkind, undermining and disrespectful?
You need to have a conversation along those lines.

FantasticFebruary · 02/03/2022 10:35

@MorningStarling

Is it definite that he can't move it? Maybe that's the day he has to announce to his team that he is making them redundant - this sort of thing should be done face to face and the manager doesn't necessarily have control over when he tells them. It would explain his attitude too, obviously he can't tell you what the real problem is.
What are you on about?
Clymene · 02/03/2022 10:38

@MorningStarling

Is it definite that he can't move it? Maybe that's the day he has to announce to his team that he is making them redundant - this sort of thing should be done face to face and the manager doesn't necessarily have control over when he tells them. It would explain his attitude too, obviously he can't tell you what the real problem is.
Yes, I'm sure that's what it is Hmm
James83 · 02/03/2022 10:41

This is power and control. Proving he has authority to make you change.

ErrolTheDragon · 02/03/2022 10:42

@Susu49

If he's going to ne that much of a dick then his Great Big Very Very Important Job can pay for the babysitter then can't it?

Flowers

And arrange the childcare too, obviously. That's his choice.

YANBU, OP.

Googlecanthelpme · 02/03/2022 10:44

Yeah massively disrespectful.

It doesn’t really even matter if his job was more “important” (which is totally subjective). What is relevant is respecting how important our own jobs and careers are to US and to view other’s, especially our partners as equals.

He sounds like a prat. Self important and entitled.
I wouldn’t be doing any heavy lifting for him at home going forward. Fuck that, no washing or special dinners / treats, until he was grovelling with a real apology and promise to do better.

He needs to understand and respect your whole value - as a person not just a wife / mum.

Sunnyjac · 02/03/2022 10:46

@MorningStarling you’re talking rubbish

OP as others have said, you need to have some serious conversations with your husband to clarify his attitude towards you, your finances and your relationship as a whole. From that you can then decide how to move forward with your life. But no, YANBU. He is, completely.

rookiemere · 02/03/2022 10:48

I have to say my desire for marital relations with DH would not be strong until I received a full and wholehearted apology for that remark, his day trip into the office was moved and significant reparations ( preferably in the form of additional household chores and childcare) was made.

HeadNorth · 02/03/2022 10:49

@MarcelDuchamp1

It’s the fact that he said “my job is more important than your job” which has made me rage! Him saying that suggests he has absolutely no respect for what I do. He told me he can move the face to face meeting in London if he has to and then straight after, made that shitty comment! I’m fuming!
This is terrible. He is acting like moving the face to face meeting is a favour for you. He knows he should never have set it up on that date. He did it on purpose, so he could then make a point about how much more important his job is, before he moved it. That is the key - he wants to put you firmly in your place.

After you have finished your important meeting, so that stress is over, you need to have a proper conversation. It is not about the logistics of one meeting, but his desire to assert his dominance. You cannot let this go.

Jvg33 · 02/03/2022 10:56

He needs to move it. You aren't sorting the childcare. Or he needs to sort the childcare. I would accuse him of doing it on purpose. Tell him to leave for London and not come back as you and your child are not important to him.

lanthanum · 02/03/2022 11:03

"Of course your job is more important, dear, which is why I collect DS on 185 days and ask you to do the remaining five."

(That ignores the question of whether it is really more "important", but that depends on what you're looking at, really. Sometimes one job is more "important" to family finances than the other. However a job that is few hours and low-paid might be more important in terms of impact on others if it is not done. I don't think we've ever thought in terms of importance in our household, although there is a huge disparity in our earnings. )

Somatronic · 02/03/2022 11:03

How incredibly disrespectful of him.

I had a friend whose husband used to make comments like this to her. It was one of the early signs that he was a malignant narcissist and he eventually ended up abandoning his wife and children and made them homeless. Unfortunately she didn't see who he really was until months after he left because she'd been living with an asshole who had been putting her down and eroding her confidence for years.

I would have a chat with your husband about his attitude towards you and your work and make it clear that what he said is not reasonable or acceptable.

ikeepseeingit · 02/03/2022 11:04

Wow that was absolutely horrible of him. How dare he disrespect you like this?! Don’t do any of the work for him. He’s picking the kids up and he needs to deal with whatever fallout when he doesn’t do it. Turn your phone off, it’s his fucking problem now. I would consider leaving him if he is unwilling to apologise, what a shitty attitude towards the person you’re supposed to love.

rookiemere · 02/03/2022 11:05

@lanthanum

"Of course your job is more important, dear, which is why I collect DS on 185 days and ask you to do the remaining five."

(That ignores the question of whether it is really more "important", but that depends on what you're looking at, really. Sometimes one job is more "important" to family finances than the other. However a job that is few hours and low-paid might be more important in terms of impact on others if it is not done. I don't think we've ever thought in terms of importance in our household, although there is a huge disparity in our earnings. )

Actually I think @lanthanum response is perfect. Makes the point that what is being requested is ridiculously small compared to what OP does.
MrKlaw · 02/03/2022 11:07

is it possible he doesn't mean 'more important' in the grand scheme of things, but more important regarding financial stability for the house?

Still a horrible thing to throw at you to justify what sounds like a fairly easy office visit to move

rookiemere · 02/03/2022 11:10

I'm sure OP is well aware she earns less than her DH @MrKlaw . Doesn't matter how it's meant it's a scummy thing to say to a loved one with a perfectly reasonable ask with loads of notice.

SpilltheTea · 02/03/2022 11:10

He has absolutely no need to go in to the office. I'm sure no one needs or cares to see his super important face. He'll have to suck it up or sort childcare out. It sounds like he's purposely being awkward and doesn't like that you're important enough in your job to host meetings.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/03/2022 11:12

There. He’s told you what he really thinks of you and your job. Believe him because that’s what he and most men think. And until these outmoded beliefs about what our roles are in the home and the workplace, we will never ever have equality.

Lots of men believe this. Very few dare say it. But trust me, they believe it.

I don’t think I could get past this tbh.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/03/2022 11:13

It’s not good at all.

However to get what you need practically, I’d focus on the fact that your day is more important than his day - you are hosting a board event, he’s just meeting with his team - he needs to stay home.

TheKeatingFive · 02/03/2022 11:14

I'm sure no one needs or cares to see his super important face.

😂

Sisisimone · 02/03/2022 11:18

What a complete arsehole. He's very much trying to make a point there isnt he, deliberately booking in to the office on the day he knew your meeting would be. Just such wankerish behaviour.

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