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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Your job is not as important as my job”

136 replies

MarcelDuchamp1 · 02/03/2022 09:32

I work part time, Mon-Fri.
I am part of huge arts organisation and my job is focussed on producing a large piece of national research. Part of my job entails hosting board meetings online via zoom, 5 times throughout the year.
I told DH the dates last year, so he could put them in his diary and be available to collect DS from school on those days, as I’ll be working a full day to prepare and host the board meetings.
DH works remotely from home and goes into his London office maybe once a week.
I have a board meeting next week which I need to host remotely and DH was aware of this but has decided he’s going into the London office that day. Not a necessity, but he wants a face to face with his team. He could do this any day.
He just said because he works full time and he earns more money, his job is more important than mine.
I think this is possibly the most disrespectful thing he’s ever said and I am outraged that he actually believes this is the case - AIBU?

OP posts:
BiscuitLover3678 · 02/03/2022 20:38

This would really, really piss me off. I could not be with someone who disrespected me like that. I’m not saying LTB or anything but it’s something you should really talk about.

Dh earns more than me but no way has he ever said his is more important. We even split things equally as he said it’s not fair he earns more than me it’s just different fields are paid differently.

cakewench · 02/03/2022 20:40

Jesus. My DH is on track to make Professor and I'm a TA/LSA in a primary school and he would never fucking say this. He really values my job and makes every effort to clear his schedule if I need to attend training at an odd time, etc.

Basically, I'm sorry, I'd be furious in your situation. It's not as if you're asking him the earth of him here, and it was totally unnecessary for him to comment on the value of his job versus yours. What a prick.

MangshorJhol · 02/03/2022 20:45

I earn a third of what my DH earns (different fields) and he would NEVER say that about my career. Ever. He’s super proud of my tiniest achievements and most importantly has turned down career opportunities because it didn’t work for me.

And for those who assume that all the default is yours, don’t. Push back. You and your work is valuable- the value of someone’s work isn’t measured by how much they earn.

BoJo earns a lot more than an intensive care nurse. Guess who I think works harder and I have more respect for?

Annette32123 · 02/03/2022 21:06

Maybe point out that he believes his job is more important because it’s his job. But that he’s deluded if he thinks you agree. It’s only more important to him.

Tell him that you believe your job is more important. Because it is. To you.

And then stop supporting his career. Make sure he does his fair share with home and kids. Don’t carry him. At any level. See how he does then.

HikingforScenery · 02/03/2022 21:12

@MarcelDuchamp1

He really believes that. It’s not the first time he’s said it or alluded to it. My job is actually very niche and it can be a very difficult career to get into, so I don’t know why he views me in that way at all. It’s very upsetting.
It’s because he earns more. I’m assuming he earn significantly more than you? A lot of people measure the importance of a job by how much money it pays.
piratehugs · 02/03/2022 21:21

This thread is giving me chest pains!

My DP has insinuated two or three times in the past that his job was more important than mine because he earned more and I worked part time from home. I had to sweep it under the carpet because there was no possible conversation we could have had about it that would have ended happily.

More recently I've returned to a full time office position and DP has had to take on more school runs (although absolutely none of the fucking mental load, pretends to be helpless, pisses me off). At least it made me chuckle when he realised "Wow! You earn almost as much as me!" Yep, I'm only a few grand less important than you now.

Grrrrr!

Bertiebiscuit · 03/03/2022 18:04

I got divorced for the same reason - never looked back - you deserve better - if a man thinks his job is more important than yours I guarantee he also tho ks his time is worth more than yours and what he wants is always more important than your wishes - so he's an abuser in my book tbh

CallmeBadJanet · 03/03/2022 18:18

@MarcelDuchamp1 I'm sure on any normal day you love him, but what an old fashioned, uncool, arse hole, turd head. Show him a calendar, it's 2022.

THEDEACON · 03/03/2022 18:23

Oh mine would be paying for that for a very long time !

FatCatSkinnyRat · 03/03/2022 18:26

My DH is MD of a major bank and I work part time in a lowly paid public service type job (that I love).

For context he out-earns me x 20.

Twice a year I have a similar type, important and stressful meeting I tell him when it is on and he blocks out his calendar and tells his EA the spot is not available under any circumstance. End of story. Because he respects me and the work I do.

Susu49 · 03/03/2022 18:28

@FatCatSkinnyRat that's lovely :)

Vynalbob · 03/03/2022 18:28

Sorry but it feels like an immature control grab. He maybe correct in terms of the household budget (or maybe not) but that doesn't mean one job is Intrinsically more important than the other.
I think you letting him know well in advance, and presumably him agreeing, was respectful.... his reaction was not.
Is he a 1950s throwback that thinks children are 'women's work'.
His names Richard isn't it, come on its got to be...

Jewel52 · 03/03/2022 18:31

@DoNotTouchTheWater

Correct about what? That his job is More Important because he earns more? That he doesn’t need to make arrangements to fit around his family commitments?

Seriously, one of the (many) problems I have with my estranged husband is that he is openly contemptuous of my career and views salary as the determinant of social worth. He Is Wrong. I might earn 1/3 of what he does, but arguably my job has far more social worth than his.

But that isn’t even the point. We both work FT but only one of us is ever inconvenienced by our son being off nursery yet again. Or is unable to travel because of family responsibilities. His attitude is shit. And misogynistic. And that’s not ok.

Exactly the same with me. But this is so much more than an individual attitude. People used to be so impressed when I told them my ex’s job and I was often made to feel that I shouldn’t expect him to have a family role because he was way too important for that. No wonder these blokes are arrogant arseholes Grin
JuneOsborne · 03/03/2022 18:35

I'd be furious too.

Me and DH can be guilty of competing for work time, I need to work late that day. No I need to work late that day and it's tiresome.

But if in that discussion my DH said that to me, I'd struggle to come back from it.

So in his view, you've got a low status job, and should therefore do all childcare and housework too and thinking for the family. Such lazy thinking because if he respected you, he'd want to be the kind of guy that did childcare, housework and thinking because he wanted to spend time with the kids, live in a clean, tidy and organised house, and know when it's world book Day/Tommy's birthday party (and he loves superman, must get something superman related and some wrapping and a card)/dentist is due.

The more important job is a ruse for being lazy. He's kidding himself.

Sparkletastic · 03/03/2022 18:37

My DH thinks his job is more important than mine. He works in travel and I work for the NHS. I frequently remind him that his just pays more and he is not one of the emergency services 🙄

YukoandHiro · 03/03/2022 18:39

YANBU.

Take your time to compose your thoughts so you're not yelling at him in the heat of anger. But so return to him later and say you need to speak to him about a remark he made and talk it through.

What a prick. I hope he reevaluates when you've had a chance to chat

restingbitchface30 · 03/03/2022 18:50

If my fella ever said this to me he would be at his mums for the foreseeable! Cheek

Mummyofsquidge · 03/03/2022 18:58

What a total bell end.
Anyone who works has a job of worth and parenting to a dual role.
Our school closed this week for 3 days and I am so pleasers the first thing my husband asked is "which days shall we take each?"
I was equally enraged in our parents what's app group by other mums also saying that their husbands can't take the time off at short notice - I had to but my tongue so ask what on earth made them think they had a choice?
I am not quite sure how you tackle the conversion with him, but he needs a damn good lesson around equality and co-parenting being a shared role.

Celledora · 03/03/2022 19:12

We had a similar conversation when I changed from part to full time when DC was 5. He’d said all the right things about being a team. That me doing all the home and child care so his ‘important’ job hadn’t been disrupted for 5 years, was why he’d been able to do the job. That he acknowledged I needed to return to my ‘career’ for my mental health. In practice he still seems shocked that there are any occasions when I need to work a bit later (though it’s ‘normal’ for him to every night) or the housework isn’t done (often!)

Acesup · 03/03/2022 19:40

It is an utterly shitty comment, but why don't you have childcare in place? What will happen when you both need to be in the office?

ThistleTits · 03/03/2022 19:47

@Whatifitallgoesright

He is knowingly sabotaging your job although I expect if you said that to him he would accuse you of hyperbole. He is ok with you worrying so much you can't prepare properly and it effecting your performance. He doesn't care that he's capable of alleviating this but can choose not to. I would be planning and seriously withdrawing from him in many ways if I was you.
Yes, this 👏 ^
stimpyyouidiot · 03/03/2022 19:50

I would be absolutely steaming at his disgusting attitude

Mirw · 03/03/2022 19:55

Tell him to f off. And withdraw labour...

Lampface · 03/03/2022 20:14

I know this sounds extreme but I work in the arts and if my DP said this to me I would leave. Hands down. To have the person who is meant to support you more than anyone else in the world belittle a career you've spent years working towards... it's awful and total disrespect.

Dragonsmother · 03/03/2022 20:20

Wow! He has no respect for you, who you are or your ambitions.
Is this ongoing attitude or a one off?
It sounds very much like cohesive control.