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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who’s in the wrong? Unsociable or sociable?

541 replies

ShittyFingers · 02/03/2022 08:26

Person A is pretty unsociable. She gets on the bus and looks forward to time alone to sit and think/daydream during her 1 hour journey.

Person B is sociable and looks forward the her 1 hour journey to chat.

Bus has lots of empty seats. Person B decides to sit next to Person A and try to strike up conversation. Person A is polite but makes it obvious she doesn’t want to talk. Person B is a little offended and thinks Person A is a miserable sod. After a few more attempts to make light conversation, person A moves seats. Person B now very upset and this plays on her mind all day.

Let’s say Covid isn’t a thing.

Who is unreasonable?

YABU - person A could have made more effort, it wouldn’t have killed her to chat

YANBU - person Bs wish to socialise doesn’t trump person A’s wish to not socialise

OP posts:
mumto2teenagers · 02/03/2022 11:16

I am person A, but would not get up and move seats from Person B.

Person B could be lonely and her bus ride home could be the only interaction she has with people.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/03/2022 11:17

As a society, as reflected in the op, we need to change our language here.

Person A is not miserable and unsociable, ie negative words.

Person B is not sociable, chatty and friendly ie positive words.

When actually..

Person A is peaceful and calm, and often too kind.

Person B is self absorbed, selfish and irritating.

Beees · 02/03/2022 11:18

Person B could be lonely and her bus ride home could be the only interaction she has with people.

Which is fine if you don't mind doing so, however no one should ever feel obligated to spend their time talking to someone just because they might be lonely. A person's right to peace and quiet is not overruled by someone else's desire to have a conversation. They are both equally valid.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 02/03/2022 11:19

B. Annoying. Why can't B leave A alone, who made it clear that's what they wanted to do. Being sociable and being selfish to your own desire is a different thing.

PinkSyCo · 02/03/2022 11:20

Either that or as women we've just been socialised to put up with shit that we are actually quite entitled to say no to.

Actually I’m pretty sure most men wouldn’t just up and leave if someone started chatting to them.

TempleBlossom · 02/03/2022 11:20

@mumto2teenagers

I am person A, but would not get up and move seats from Person B.

Person B could be lonely and her bus ride home could be the only interaction she has with people.

The thing is person B is likely to be lonely due to their lack of social skills. Talking at other people for an hour and ignoring the cues of others to stop doesnt win you friends.
Iamnotamermaid · 02/03/2022 11:21

Person B needs to wind it in. Person A may prefer a quiet journey in listening to a podcast and observing the scenery without mindless small talk from a stranger.

Fudgein · 02/03/2022 11:21

I take the point that I am obviously in the minority, but I stand by the fact that a person who is doing this is probably lonely & I have no issue with chatting to a stranger. In my own experience its usually older people who want to chat and I have no issue with it. @TempleBlossom it's not bullshit to be tolerant and nice to people. Jesus christ. Confused

nearlyspringyay · 02/03/2022 11:24

I used to get a really early train pre Covid to avoid this exact situation. Feck off and leave me alone!

PussGirl · 02/03/2022 11:24

My mother would be Person B - she hates silence & has to fill every bit with chatter - I find it hard work.

She once told me she'd had a lovely chat with a young woman with a child in a pushchair in the lift at John Lewis Confused

chaosrabbitland · 02/03/2022 11:24

i am person a , but that said though id have carried on making it clear i didnt really want to talk , but i wouldnt have actually got up and moved as that does look really rude if you know the person already

Beees · 02/03/2022 11:24

it's not bullshit to be tolerant and nice to people. Jesus christ. Confused

Of course it's not bullshit to be tolerant and nice to someone but isn't it interesting that the same tolerance and niceness is never applied the other way. Confused

Why should someone be tolerant and nice to the person wanting to chat because they might be lonely when that same person isn't being tolerant and nice to the person wanting to be left alone with their thoughts, read their book or enjoy some peace and quiet?

TigerLilyTail · 02/03/2022 11:25

I remember when I was about 17 and I was traveling on the train and a random woman with a baby came and sat beside me. Woman was chatting away and then ended up leaving her baby with me while she went for a fag. She didn't even ask. I was so terrified that I'd never see her again!

No one owes anyone conversation so B should have taken the hint and left her alone.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/03/2022 11:25

@MoonOnASpoon

How do you know how person B felt all day?

Maybe OP is person A and person B told them this.

They're strangers though so she would have had to have met her after the encounter either on the return journey or a following day and B would have had to come up to her again and tell A that she's very upset and it's been on her mind all day
Fudgein · 02/03/2022 11:30

@Beees I would hope that if you said "Oh sorry I'm just listening to a podcast/reading my book so can't really chat today" then the other person would stop talking. I've clearly lived a sheltered life as I've never experience these forceful people making everyone on public transport talk to them. I have experience (mainly elderly) people who like to chat and have no issue doing so. As I said earlier I realise I am clearly in the minority, and I like to listen to music on my journey too, but I'm not upset or annoyed if someone wants to chat instead. Maybe people are living far more stressful lives than me and crave the peace and quiet, I appreciate that I cannot speak for everyone else but that I personally do not find it an issue, I have learned a lot reading these replies.

Original poster
ShittyFingers · 02/03/2022 11:31

I’m person A. I mentioned the encounter to someone else who often gets the same bus and she said something along the lines of “Oh do you mean Michelle? Bless her she talks to everyone! She’ll have been thinking about it all day after that”.

I ended up feeling guilty!!

OP posts:
TempleBlossom · 02/03/2022 11:32

@Fudgein

I take the point that I am obviously in the minority, but I stand by the fact that a person who is doing this is probably lonely & I have no issue with chatting to a stranger. In my own experience its usually older people who want to chat and I have no issue with it. *@TempleBlossom* it's not bullshit to be tolerant and nice to people. Jesus christ. Confused
Being talked at for an hour? A quick morning, lovely day is fine but being disturbed by a random , stranger for a whole hour when you would like quiet, peace etc No thats ridiculous!
Synchrony · 02/03/2022 11:33

I'm person A. As a one-off I'd probably have made a bit of an effort to chat whilst getting out my book pointedly after a while. I wouldn't have moved.

Having said that, I know two couples who are now married having randomly struck up a conversation on public transport (and they are not all Type B). I also had a person sit next to me and start chatting on the bus once and I regretted being frosty - they were actually really lovely and we had some very meaningful conversations on future bus rides. So now I try to be more open minded.

Beees · 02/03/2022 11:34

I ended up feeling guilty!!

So not feel guilty. Her desire to chat to you is not more important than you having and maintaining your boundaries.

I bet if she really does chat to everyone she will have found someone else to talk to and not have given it a moments thought. Although I bet her next unwilling target was secretly jealous of your actions and internally wishing they had the balls to get up and love.

TheNoodlesIncident · 02/03/2022 11:34

Person B needs to learn to read body language and social cues.

Person A is allowed to travel undisturbed if she wants. She doesn't have to perform Chatty Person if she doesn't want to.

(I've had days when I've been delighted to chat to people on the bus/train and days where I really can't manage it, however nice the person is. We all need to cut each other a bit of slack.)

A was not rude to move seats. Nobody should feel obliged to remain where they are if they are uncomfortable. We should respect other people as well as ourselves. Unsociable is not bad, like antisocial would be.

newnameforthis76 · 02/03/2022 11:35

@ShittyFingers

I’m person A. I mentioned the encounter to someone else who often gets the same bus and she said something along the lines of “Oh do you mean Michelle? Bless her she talks to everyone! She’ll have been thinking about it all day after that”.

I ended up feeling guilty!!

You don’t have to feel guilty because Michelle is an entitled twat.
inappropriateraspberry · 02/03/2022 11:36

Well, Michelle needs to learn that not everyone wants to talk and that she should read social cues better.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 02/03/2022 11:37

Maybe she'll learn that other people don't always want to keep her entertained.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/03/2022 11:38

@Fudgein you didn't answer the pertinent question from @Beees post.

Why does the quiet person have to be tolerant and nice towards the chatty person, when the chatty person isn't being tolerant and nice towards the quiet?

AryaStarkWolf · 02/03/2022 11:39

@ShittyFingers

I’m person A. I mentioned the encounter to someone else who often gets the same bus and she said something along the lines of “Oh do you mean Michelle? Bless her she talks to everyone! She’ll have been thinking about it all day after that”.

I ended up feeling guilty!!

So you don't actually know if B was upset and thinking about it all day?

Anyway, yeah B is unreasonable. I hate making small talk with strangers